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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be so cross about this?

378 replies

Tiredandcross · 02/05/2021 06:46

Have nc'd as outing but regular, long time poster....sistene screamer, penis beaker, Spanish gran etc

Had a huge row with dp last night. I do all...and I mean all....the housework we both work full time. I have not been happy for sometime and have made it very clear he needs to start helping but nothing going.

Three weeks ago I had day surgery. It was minor but can take months to recover. I had 2 weeks off work and spent the first week asleep on the sofa most of the day but was still expected to do dinner etc etc. Back to work last week and yesterday was totally exhausted.

I am menopausal, disturbed by the dogs the night before, and dp snoring. So was also not very friendly to anyone...not rude but not chatty.

He was really off with me during dinner. It was late as I was tired, and had not got my act together very well.

However we always eat at 9 because he likes to game with his mates until then. Last night he had a go as apparently I don't care and spend more time doing stuff for my kids as dinner is getting later and later.

I pointed out that I finish work at 5.30 and by the time I have walked the dogs and got the kids dinner it is 7pm. Then I like to speak to my parents every evening, they are in their 80's and I have seen them once in the last year as they are some distance from me. I also have laundry and housework to do and assist my dc with asd with personal care and school work. So yeah sometimes dinner is late.

He told me I don't care and when I started to get frustrated and upset apparently this meant I knew he was right. I told him no, I'm upset because he is wrong and wasn't letting me talk at which point he told me to stop raising my voice.

I was so upset. I pointed out that I had surgery 3 weeks ago and having been back at work last week am really tired. Not sleeping well either which doesn't help. I pointed out that when he gets in from work he games. I do everything else.

He wouldn't let me talk and I ended up shouting "what did your last servant die of" as I got so frustrated. I shouldn't have shouted but at that point I had had enough.

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time, I never feel like having sex (I'm exhausted and can't just switch it on!) , and shouted at him when he asked me not to (I did ask him at this point to write down how he would like me to behave in future so I don't forget)

I have woken up this morning really upset about the whole thing. Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with? Aibu to feel like this or was I wrong?

OP posts:
Embracingthechaos · 02/05/2021 09:11

Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with?

Yes. I'm sorry, but that is true.

I would leave him.

Lady08 · 02/05/2021 09:12

He sounds awful! The longer you excuse his laziness and facilitate this to happen, the longer he’ll take you for granted.
Sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious talk, if he’s not willing to change, tell him he can leave.

Notagain20 · 02/05/2021 09:13

@Morechocolatethanbarbara

The great thing about it being a bank holiday weekend is that he now has 2 full days to pack up every last scrap of his stuff from your house and move out.

If (& it's a big if) you wish to keep seeing him (god knows why) you can still date, but you can do so whilst he cleans up after himself and cooks for himself somewhere else and you just have to worry about yourself and your kids.

Currently you are just his servant. Why would you want that for yourself?

Very wise. If you still want a relationship with this loser then just date him. Just don't live with him
BobLemon · 02/05/2021 09:15

Christ. Does he make a bloody good financial contribution to the household? I’m not saying that money makes this right, just wondering why he thinks his position is so secure that he can treat you like this?

Mabelene · 02/05/2021 09:18

Your house, then it’s easy, pack his bags for him, today

Dragongirl10 · 02/05/2021 09:19

OP, seriously, read your post back to yourself!! Hr comes home from work and games until 9pm while you do EVERYTHING???

THIS x 100^

LannieDuck · 02/05/2021 09:19

Pleased that he's not the father of your children - makes it much easier. And you own the house... excellent. Tell him to leave. Maybe give him a week to find somewhere else to go.

You can decide whether to continue the relationship (although based on what you've said here, I'm not sure why you would), but he's too lazy to live with. You can tell him that.

OP, would you ever move in with a man and expect him to do all the housework and all the cooking, and not lift a finger to help even when he had surgery? And then shout at him when dinner's late? Of course not. And it's not ok for him to do it to you either.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/05/2021 09:21

Yes, that is what he sees you as.

Why don't you eat with the children and let him do his own dinner? (He could always batch cook at the weekend and heat something up each day).

FeatheredHope · 02/05/2021 09:25

His general selfish behaviours by themselves are enough to make me scream LTB but to be behaving like this when you’ve had surgery?!
Fuxk that for a game of soldiers. You are worth far more than this OP, this isn’t a partner, this is a selfish man child who wants a servant he can fuxk.
Get him the hell out of your house and away from your kids. It’s not right for them to see someone treat their mother like this.

timeisnotaline · 02/05/2021 09:26

I don’t get why you put up with him at all? Luckily it’s your house(I’m assuming not married) - he doesn’t even cook dinner after you’ve had surgery, what does he add? I think it would be well past due to ask him to leave.

HTH1 · 02/05/2021 09:27

I know it can be daunting to become single later in life OP but think about what you really want/need from a partner.

For me, the lack of concern and help after you had surgery would be the last straw - if he can’t even be there for you when it really matters, then he isn’t the one for you. This is before you even get to the day to day lack of help and creating a bad atmosphere to control you.

By letting him go, you have the chance to meet someone who might actually contribute to your life and genuinely be there for you (but, even if you didn’t, you would still be freer, and no doubt happier, without him).

hettie · 02/05/2021 09:30

I wonder if your dislike of bad atmospheres has contributed to you getting to this place? Basically all he has to do is get grumpy and sulk or critical and you give in and facilitate his lazy arse because you don't like the unpleasantness? If so try and figure out why 'bad atmospheres' make you so uncomfy and find a way to push through this discomfort and ditch the lazy bugger If you don't you will remain a domestic skivy to this utter cockwomble for years to come....

Chamonixshoopshoop · 02/05/2021 09:33

Just what everyone else said. I find gaming a real turn off. Especially whilst you run around after him and do all the house work.
I just couldn’t be with someone that bone idle!!

Chamonixshoopshoop · 02/05/2021 09:34

That’s great advice from @hettie that ‘avoiding conflict/discomfort’ is the undoing of a lot of women, and historically I’d include myself in that.

RealisticSketch · 02/05/2021 09:35

Christ on a bike, he's got you thinking up is down!! The list of what you do is long and his assessment is 'you don't care' an opinion which could be borne of lack of self awareness (looking at it very forgivingly) except that even when you pointed that out, he had not one moment of realisation and stood by that statement.
Bloody hell. If course you don't feel like sex - he is yet another dependent weighing you down.

billy1966 · 02/05/2021 09:39

Have you e en one drop of self respect that you would accept being used and abused by such a waster.

8 years you have subjected your children to this.

I just cannot fathom the utter desperation for any man that some women must feel to be treated so appallingly in THEIR own home.

Unbelievable 🤷🏻‍♀️

Justanticipating · 02/05/2021 09:39

@lockdownalli

Eat dinner with the kids at 7 and he can reheat his when he has finished his very important hobby.

Or, actually, just get rid.

He sounds horrible and completely selfish. I'd have shouted much more than you.

This is a good idea.

Muchasgracias · 02/05/2021 09:42

OP please consider what kind of a role model he is for your DC. It doesn’t sound like a healthy balanced relationship. From what you’ve said he falls way short of a decent DP. I would not want my DC exposed to a man who thinks gaming for hours on end every day and not sharing the load is any kind of normal.

HollowTalk · 02/05/2021 09:44

I'd put good money on this man not pulling his weight financially, too.

everythingthelighttouches · 02/05/2021 09:49

HollowTalk

I'd put good money on this man not pulling his weight financially, too.

Me too.

fluffydinosaur21 · 02/05/2021 09:49

Get rid of him. He's using you OP.

My DH games but he will always make sure he's helped out with DC and done his fair share of housework and cooking (we take turns cooking) before going on.

Sunflowers095 · 02/05/2021 09:50

@Tiredandcross

Thank you for your responses.

I'm glad I'm not wrong to have got so cross. He left me feeling like I was in the wrong somehow.

It is my house, he moved in with me and my dc 8 years ago. We eventually planned to buy our own but it's not happened...thank goodness really!

Yes I've facilitated this I know. I'm not proud of that but it has happened and this is where I am.

I'm dreading hearing him get up as I know he is likely to be in a bad mood and sulking and short with me and I can't bear bad atmospheres.

I'm sorry but it's hard to have any sympathy for you in this situation. Why are you allowing it? Why are you being his servant? Why have you not told him to get out yet?

From now on, if you're actually going to let him stay, get a cleaner that he pays for. Or tell him it's 50/50 or he can get out. Or tell him you're going to stop working and contributing financially since you do all the housework and cooking.

But Jesus christ stop cooking for him separately and letting him treat you like garbage.

nimbuscloud · 02/05/2021 09:52

What sort of relationship does he have with your children?

ddl1 · 02/05/2021 09:52

YANBU. You are not his servant; nor is he there to discipline you. If he isn't satisfied with the manner or timing of your doing the chores, he can do them himself. Why doesn't he ever do any housework himself? Especially when you've just had an operation? He sounds like a cross between a spoilt selfish child and a male chauvinist pig from the 1950s.

WatchlistAndWaiting · 02/05/2021 09:58

Sounds like it is time for a serious conversation with him where you assert yourself

  1. Things have got off track in our relationship. It isn't an equal partnership. This isn't the way I want it to be.
  1. I need you to do more so I'm not carrying the load. From now on you need to do more ...make a list for him...
  1. I'm not blaming you, we've both done this. But it doesn't work for me any more and I'm telling you how I want to fix it. If you don't want to fix it, you need to find another relationship.