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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be so cross about this?

378 replies

Tiredandcross · 02/05/2021 06:46

Have nc'd as outing but regular, long time poster....sistene screamer, penis beaker, Spanish gran etc

Had a huge row with dp last night. I do all...and I mean all....the housework we both work full time. I have not been happy for sometime and have made it very clear he needs to start helping but nothing going.

Three weeks ago I had day surgery. It was minor but can take months to recover. I had 2 weeks off work and spent the first week asleep on the sofa most of the day but was still expected to do dinner etc etc. Back to work last week and yesterday was totally exhausted.

I am menopausal, disturbed by the dogs the night before, and dp snoring. So was also not very friendly to anyone...not rude but not chatty.

He was really off with me during dinner. It was late as I was tired, and had not got my act together very well.

However we always eat at 9 because he likes to game with his mates until then. Last night he had a go as apparently I don't care and spend more time doing stuff for my kids as dinner is getting later and later.

I pointed out that I finish work at 5.30 and by the time I have walked the dogs and got the kids dinner it is 7pm. Then I like to speak to my parents every evening, they are in their 80's and I have seen them once in the last year as they are some distance from me. I also have laundry and housework to do and assist my dc with asd with personal care and school work. So yeah sometimes dinner is late.

He told me I don't care and when I started to get frustrated and upset apparently this meant I knew he was right. I told him no, I'm upset because he is wrong and wasn't letting me talk at which point he told me to stop raising my voice.

I was so upset. I pointed out that I had surgery 3 weeks ago and having been back at work last week am really tired. Not sleeping well either which doesn't help. I pointed out that when he gets in from work he games. I do everything else.

He wouldn't let me talk and I ended up shouting "what did your last servant die of" as I got so frustrated. I shouldn't have shouted but at that point I had had enough.

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time, I never feel like having sex (I'm exhausted and can't just switch it on!) , and shouted at him when he asked me not to (I did ask him at this point to write down how he would like me to behave in future so I don't forget)

I have woken up this morning really upset about the whole thing. Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with? Aibu to feel like this or was I wrong?

OP posts:
Luckymummytoone · 02/05/2021 08:43

Don’t put yourself through this anymore 💐

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 02/05/2021 08:44

You keep him like other people keep cats? Rehome.

Star
ElphabaTWitch · 02/05/2021 08:44

No you’re not wrong. Maybe stop doing everything and start sitting in your phone. When he complains say ‘sorry It seems we were both gaming and never got round to it’. Or be really obvious and sort yourself and the kids out but not him. No cooking if his meals. No cleaning of his clothes or laundry. No buying of his toiletries etc etc. Although in all seriousness it sounds like this would not end well for you. Probably best to take a deep breath, try to remain composed, and have a bit of a chat with a list of all the things that need doing, all the things thar you do, and the very very short list of things he does. Be sure to include ‘worked full
Time tuis week’ as well. Sounds like he’s been taking advantage of you and have fallen into a very unbalanced routines. Maybe you can divide the needs of the family more equally with a bit of a chat and sticking up for yourself. Flowers

Tiktokersmiracle · 02/05/2021 08:46

Did you let an adult partner move in or adopt a fucking child?
He games until 9pm then bitches his dinner is late? He hasn't looked after you or the home when you've had surgery?
OP, he doesn't want a partner. He wants a handmaid, a servant.
It's your home so you are in a strong position. This is not a relationship. That is equal. This is not.
Kick him the hell out.

NoSquirrels · 02/05/2021 08:46

It’s your house?

Tell him to leave. Seriously.

What does he contribute to a happy home? What fucking use is he to you?

You work full time, you do everything.

He complains, sulks and expects sex and food and clean clothes all on tap.

Tell him to leave. Pack a bag for him today.

Lift not one finger for him ever again.

DustCentral · 02/05/2021 08:46

Seriously?!

Why are you with him?

If you say love then ask yourself what love he shows you? Love is caring for others, not demanding care from them.

Kick this man out and reclaim YOUR home.

You’ve got yourself a cocklodger.

A grown man gaming each night and not pulling his weight? Seriously what the hell!!

Does he pay bills and if so are they at least half?

In what way does this man ADD to your life?

Or does he take AWAY?

If the latter, LTB.

Yorkterrier · 02/05/2021 08:48

Perhaps you both grew up with this model of family life? You sound like you are not very confident and I'm not surprised because he's made you feel like a fucking slave. It's time to make a change, it doesn't make you happy.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 02/05/2021 08:48

Kick him out. He’s not a partner

KatherineSiena · 02/05/2021 08:48

You don’t care enough about him to feed him? Does he care enough to look after you post surgery? He sounds ghastly. What on earth does he bring to the table?

Please don’t tolerate this any longer. Be very blunt, either he shapes up and contributes in a meaningful way or he’s out. To be honest, I wouldn’t even go via the ultimatum route and just get him out.

diddl · 02/05/2021 08:51

@HarebrightCedarmoon

I'd have told him last night if he doesn't like the arrangement he can fuck off, the cheeky twat.
Or Op, you tell him to go as you don't want to carry on the relationship.

Unless you want to give him a chance.

Billben · 02/05/2021 08:53

You keep him like other people keep cats? Rehome.

😂🌟😂

NoSquirrels · 02/05/2021 08:55

He left me feeling like I was in the wrong somehow.-

That’s the game they play. You don’t need to be part of it.

You are gloriously, righteously furious about his treatment of you and he should be the one grovelling to you whilst you flounce about the house creating an atmosphere.

Please stop tolerating a shit life.

Nonmaquillee · 02/05/2021 08:56

So you spend all evening looking after your children, checking in on your parents and doing housework after being at work all day, and he spends this time GAMING and then expects YOU to have (yet another, having already made dinner for your DC) dinner ready for him at at time that suits HIM??
This is not an equal relationship. He regards you as a domestic servant. Please please tell him to sling his hook.

Fernie6491 · 02/05/2021 08:56

I wonder what attracted you to this gem of a man ?

Kokosrieksts · 02/05/2021 08:56

Why can’t he cook? What a strange set up. Clearly if you are busy with other things and he is hungry, he cooks for both of you.

DeciduousPerennial · 02/05/2021 08:59

What exact is the point of this man?

You’re not married, he’s not your kids’ father, and it’s not his house. It seem the only reason for him being there is for his benefit……

UCOinanOCG · 02/05/2021 08:59

He is a useless cocklodger. Get rid and reclaim your life and your self respect.

greeneyedlulu · 02/05/2021 09:03

Games??? You lost me there, I'd never put up with that.

Funnyface1 · 02/05/2021 09:05

Oh god, you yourself a huge favour here op. Better is out there but you'll never have it while you're putting up with this prick. Don't let another 8 years go by.

Homehaircuts · 02/05/2021 09:05

Op are you from a culture where men are seen as not the ones to do domestic chores? I only say this because you are almost questioning as if you are being unreasonable. When in the UK it's a clear YANBU. It may help explain better. In the UK other than some couples who accept these sorts of roles (women's work) are thought of as behind or in unhealthy relationships. Household chores are shared between men and women (maybe a bit more or a bit less depending on who works longer houses with as job) Now in the UK I would say you would get the support culturally if it wasn't a healthy relationship of coming to a happy agreement on the chores. Are you from a culture where people don't support equality around domestic life?

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 02/05/2021 09:09

The great thing about it being a bank holiday weekend is that he now has 2 full days to pack up every last scrap of his stuff from your house and move out.

If (& it's a big if) you wish to keep seeing him (god knows why) you can still date, but you can do so whilst he cleans up after himself and cooks for himself somewhere else and you just have to worry about yourself and your kids.

Currently you are just his servant. Why would you want that for yourself?

Homehaircuts · 02/05/2021 09:09

Sorry I should of said ALL couples who think it's just women's work are behind with the times and in unhealthy relationships. And also I was mean to say who work longer HOURS not houses Blush

HollowTalk · 02/05/2021 09:10

You are an idiot, OP. This man has moved into your house and is treating you like a servant. Why on earth are you letting him do that?

If you are old enough for the menopause then you are old enough to sort this out. Just tell him to get out. You wouldn't lose anything but you would gain so much.

windisblowing · 02/05/2021 09:10

Is there any reason that you'd like him to stay?

Merryoldgoat · 02/05/2021 09:11

I will never understand posts like this.

OP - you work, you have children that aren’t his. He lives in your house. He makes you miserable

WHY would you put up with this? Why? As soon as he wakes up tell him you’ve thought about things and you don’t love him and want him gone.

I honestly think some women would put up with anything rather than be single. What a miserable existence.