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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be so cross about this?

378 replies

Tiredandcross · 02/05/2021 06:46

Have nc'd as outing but regular, long time poster....sistene screamer, penis beaker, Spanish gran etc

Had a huge row with dp last night. I do all...and I mean all....the housework we both work full time. I have not been happy for sometime and have made it very clear he needs to start helping but nothing going.

Three weeks ago I had day surgery. It was minor but can take months to recover. I had 2 weeks off work and spent the first week asleep on the sofa most of the day but was still expected to do dinner etc etc. Back to work last week and yesterday was totally exhausted.

I am menopausal, disturbed by the dogs the night before, and dp snoring. So was also not very friendly to anyone...not rude but not chatty.

He was really off with me during dinner. It was late as I was tired, and had not got my act together very well.

However we always eat at 9 because he likes to game with his mates until then. Last night he had a go as apparently I don't care and spend more time doing stuff for my kids as dinner is getting later and later.

I pointed out that I finish work at 5.30 and by the time I have walked the dogs and got the kids dinner it is 7pm. Then I like to speak to my parents every evening, they are in their 80's and I have seen them once in the last year as they are some distance from me. I also have laundry and housework to do and assist my dc with asd with personal care and school work. So yeah sometimes dinner is late.

He told me I don't care and when I started to get frustrated and upset apparently this meant I knew he was right. I told him no, I'm upset because he is wrong and wasn't letting me talk at which point he told me to stop raising my voice.

I was so upset. I pointed out that I had surgery 3 weeks ago and having been back at work last week am really tired. Not sleeping well either which doesn't help. I pointed out that when he gets in from work he games. I do everything else.

He wouldn't let me talk and I ended up shouting "what did your last servant die of" as I got so frustrated. I shouldn't have shouted but at that point I had had enough.

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time, I never feel like having sex (I'm exhausted and can't just switch it on!) , and shouted at him when he asked me not to (I did ask him at this point to write down how he would like me to behave in future so I don't forget)

I have woken up this morning really upset about the whole thing. Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with? Aibu to feel like this or was I wrong?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 02/05/2021 09:59

Has he been a lazy fucker for all the time he's been living with you? I seriously get him out, he has fuck all respect for you.

AlmostSummer21 · 02/05/2021 09:59

Why have you been putting up with being treat like this?

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 02/05/2021 10:02

Don’t ask him to change, tell him to leave.

BillyIsMyBunny · 02/05/2021 10:03

What does he actually bring to the relationship? It sounds like he is doing nothing whilst expecting you to do everything. That’s not an equal, adult relationship. He’s basically just after a mother who’ll have sex with him whilst taking care of all his other needs and you’re fulfilling that for him.

You deserve so much more. I wouldn’t be staying in the rekationship in your shoes.

LemonRoses · 02/05/2021 10:07

Has he always been like this?

I think being single in your fifties sounds infinitely preferable to having a lump of lard for a partner. What does he bring that is positive? Can that possibly outweigh his laziness and lack of self respect?

My mother in law remarried at eighty-two, so plenty of time to find someone who loves you.

If he’s changed and fallen into bad habits and you want him to mend his ways then make the decision to stop being his servant from today. Stop doing his laundry (a black bin bag will keep it hidden from view and messing up the house).

Cook for you and the children and serve meals at a reasonable time for you. Like a small child, he is either sufficiently respectful to eat with you or he sorts himself something later on or earlier.
Work out the money too. Is he paying his fair share? Tell him to walk the dogs at least.

You may want to speak to your GP. Three weeks post a light anaesthetic it is not usual to be so tired. You have a lot going on and say you’re hormonal. I wonder whether you are unwell with depression. That wouldn’t excuse his lack of involvement but it might help you cope better if you had treatment.

mrstea301 · 02/05/2021 10:08

You need to get more cross!!!

If I was doing all the housework, dog walking etc and then making dinner, we wouldn't be eating til well after nine pm every night.

Instead of him saying you care care enough to feed him til nine pm, ask him why he doesn't care enough about you to help you at all?

I know how you feel re a bad atmosphere, I hate them too, but you're in this one now so make the most of it - this is your chance to stand your ground and shift the balance of housework, and if it doesn't work, then get rid of him and see how he likes doing everything himself in his own house. I bet your burden would be considerably lightened, it's like having another child!!

DarkDarkNight · 02/05/2021 10:13

Ask yourself seriously what you are getting out of the relationship at this point. You sound more like you have a third child. He games while you sort the younger kids alone and sulks because dinner is late.

He doesn’t sound like a partner who values or respects you, he hasn’t taken on a step-parent role in your children’s lives. Life wouldn’t be any harder without him.

Alfiemoon1 · 02/05/2021 10:14

What do you get out of the relationship? You already do everything so may as well be single.

bumblenbean · 02/05/2021 10:18

Absolutely outrageous behaviour. What a bloody cheek he has. There are so many things wrong with his behaviour I don’t even know where to start - but the long and the short of it is you deserve so, so much better than this OP. You deserve someone who cares for you, who is willing to share the burden and who doesn’t expect your life to revolve around his pathetic demands.

Do you want to spend the next 30 / 40 years feeling this way? Running your life around a sulking, manipulative man child? Putting yourself last? Trying to keep the peace to avoid an ‘atmosphere’? Exhausting yourself physically and mentally while he sits around gaming and ordering you around?

You don’t have to live like this OP. Please dig deep and realise that you deserve to be treated like an equal partner, and not someone’s surrogate mother.

Flowers
DowntonCrabby · 02/05/2021 10:21

Oh God, leave him.

He’s absolutely vile to you and just sees you a a slave and a sex toy. Flowers

How awful for your DC to have to live with him too seeing him treating their DM like this, it’s a very damaging dynamic, they won’t have any idea of how a healthy relationship should function.

Please please kick him out, ASAP!

CarnationCat · 02/05/2021 10:25

That is absolutely horrendous.

He should not be 'helping' with the housework. You do it together, take a share each.

I feel sick that he didn't do anything in the house, for you or for your DC when you had surgery. It might have been minor surgery but it is a medical procedure and this sort of thing can make you feel vulnerable and just shit.

Please leave him. You know you should. There is a much better life out there for you and your DC.

CoolCatTaco · 02/05/2021 10:26

He's a lazy, selfish, cock-lodging bastard! Buck him out. Really unfair to burden a waster like that on your DC.

TooMinty · 02/05/2021 10:29

YANBU, in fact you didn't get cross enough. There is absolutely no point to him, he does not enrich your life in any way in fact he makes it worse. You'll feel so much better after you chuck him out Thanks

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2021 10:29

@Tiredandcross

Have nc'd as outing but regular, long time poster....sistene screamer, penis beaker, Spanish gran etc

Had a huge row with dp last night. I do all...and I mean all....the housework we both work full time. I have not been happy for sometime and have made it very clear he needs to start helping but nothing going.

Three weeks ago I had day surgery. It was minor but can take months to recover. I had 2 weeks off work and spent the first week asleep on the sofa most of the day but was still expected to do dinner etc etc. Back to work last week and yesterday was totally exhausted.

I am menopausal, disturbed by the dogs the night before, and dp snoring. So was also not very friendly to anyone...not rude but not chatty.

He was really off with me during dinner. It was late as I was tired, and had not got my act together very well.

However we always eat at 9 because he likes to game with his mates until then. Last night he had a go as apparently I don't care and spend more time doing stuff for my kids as dinner is getting later and later.

I pointed out that I finish work at 5.30 and by the time I have walked the dogs and got the kids dinner it is 7pm. Then I like to speak to my parents every evening, they are in their 80's and I have seen them once in the last year as they are some distance from me. I also have laundry and housework to do and assist my dc with asd with personal care and school work. So yeah sometimes dinner is late.

He told me I don't care and when I started to get frustrated and upset apparently this meant I knew he was right. I told him no, I'm upset because he is wrong and wasn't letting me talk at which point he told me to stop raising my voice.

I was so upset. I pointed out that I had surgery 3 weeks ago and having been back at work last week am really tired. Not sleeping well either which doesn't help. I pointed out that when he gets in from work he games. I do everything else.

He wouldn't let me talk and I ended up shouting "what did your last servant die of" as I got so frustrated. I shouldn't have shouted but at that point I had had enough.

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time, I never feel like having sex (I'm exhausted and can't just switch it on!) , and shouted at him when he asked me not to (I did ask him at this point to write down how he would like me to behave in future so I don't forget)

I have woken up this morning really upset about the whole thing. Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with? Aibu to feel like this or was I wrong?

LTB
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/05/2021 10:30

What a waste of skin.

I would ask him to leave. He gives you literally nothing in return for everything. He is not your partner he is a cocklodger. Dump him.

If you decide not to do that then you need much former rules. Don’t do his washing. Eat with your kids at 7, leave his on the side and he can eat it when he likes. But I would dump him.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 02/05/2021 10:31

Tell him to get the fuck out of Your House and find a new slave.
Jesus Christ, please don't put up with this any longer!

Howshouldibehave · 02/05/2021 10:31

It is my house, he moved in with me and my dc 8 years ago

He sounds utterly vile and is making your life a misery. I would tell him to spend the day packing his stuff as I want him out of MY house. I would then order a takeaway for dinner once he’s gone.

Honestly-why would you put up with this shit?

waitingforthenextseason · 02/05/2021 10:37

Kick him out. it's your house, he's adding nothing to your life except misery. Kick him out.

Imagine watching your partner sit on the computers gaming with his friends while you work your arse up from morning til bedtime having the gall to have a go at you because his meal is 'late'.

Fuck him. Kick him out.

1WayOrAnother2 · 02/05/2021 10:41

Is he worth all this pressure and stress to you?

Clearly, the division of work in the household is not fair (even when you are not ill). Why is this? What does he do to look after you in normal times?

I'm not sure why you get to prepare two sittings for eve meals in the week when you are tired. Would you do this if he wasn't here?

Time for a re-think. Sometimes you only get to know a person by seeing how they are when things go wrong. He is not coming out well!

TurquoiseDragon · 02/05/2021 10:45

Another post saying kick him out and change the locks.

Belive me, being a single parent is easier than putting up with a nanchang.

And as it's your house, does he actually pay anything towards bills, etc? Or are you paying for everything, as well as doing everything? In that case he'd surely have funds to use.

LowlandLucky · 02/05/2021 10:49

Only you can change the situation, he won't change has he still wants the slave you have become.

SympathyFatigue · 02/05/2021 10:52

@Tiredandcross

Thank you for your responses.

I'm glad I'm not wrong to have got so cross. He left me feeling like I was in the wrong somehow.

It is my house, he moved in with me and my dc 8 years ago. We eventually planned to buy our own but it's not happened...thank goodness really!

Yes I've facilitated this I know. I'm not proud of that but it has happened and this is where I am.

I'm dreading hearing him get up as I know he is likely to be in a bad mood and sulking and short with me and I can't bear bad atmospheres.

Kick the turd out
Cloudyview · 02/05/2021 10:56

@WeatherwaxLives

So you're not married, it's your house, and the kids aren't his?

Fantastic news. Kick the arse out.

If you don't want to go nuclear right off the bat then cook for everyone at 7, eat with the kids and he can either join you or microwave his at whatever time his highness deems appropriate.

Ffs if you're doing his laundry etc then stop! And tell him you won't be doing x y z and they're now his chores. And mean it.

Tell him he can either shape up or ship out, and don't back down and apologise just because he's wandering around like a black cloud of doom trying to train you to do as he wants.

^^ This 100%. Tell him that he’s got till 3pm to move out.
saraclara · 02/05/2021 11:01

It's almost unheard of for me to say LTB. But I can't see anything remotely positive about this relationship. He gives nothing to you and your DC and expects everything from you.

Your children come first, and this is not a relationship that they should be seeing as normal. He needs to go. Presumably since the service isn't good enough at this hotel, he'll be happy to go and find something more suited to his demands.

NotAnotherAlias · 02/05/2021 11:03

I’ve had a few day case surgeries. My husband always picked me up from the hospital, cooked, cleaned, went to the shop to buy me different pyjamas as the ones I had were uncomfortable following one operation, and even helped me wash myself for a few weeks as one of the procedures made this very difficult to do. I would do the same for him if it was needed.

If your partner isn’t willing to do this for you then he isn’t really your partner. If he’s demanding ‘service as usual’ from you while you’re recovering from surgery it appears he doesn’t care about you as a person.

If I were in your shoes I’d be asking him to leave.