Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be so cross about this?

378 replies

Tiredandcross · 02/05/2021 06:46

Have nc'd as outing but regular, long time poster....sistene screamer, penis beaker, Spanish gran etc

Had a huge row with dp last night. I do all...and I mean all....the housework we both work full time. I have not been happy for sometime and have made it very clear he needs to start helping but nothing going.

Three weeks ago I had day surgery. It was minor but can take months to recover. I had 2 weeks off work and spent the first week asleep on the sofa most of the day but was still expected to do dinner etc etc. Back to work last week and yesterday was totally exhausted.

I am menopausal, disturbed by the dogs the night before, and dp snoring. So was also not very friendly to anyone...not rude but not chatty.

He was really off with me during dinner. It was late as I was tired, and had not got my act together very well.

However we always eat at 9 because he likes to game with his mates until then. Last night he had a go as apparently I don't care and spend more time doing stuff for my kids as dinner is getting later and later.

I pointed out that I finish work at 5.30 and by the time I have walked the dogs and got the kids dinner it is 7pm. Then I like to speak to my parents every evening, they are in their 80's and I have seen them once in the last year as they are some distance from me. I also have laundry and housework to do and assist my dc with asd with personal care and school work. So yeah sometimes dinner is late.

He told me I don't care and when I started to get frustrated and upset apparently this meant I knew he was right. I told him no, I'm upset because he is wrong and wasn't letting me talk at which point he told me to stop raising my voice.

I was so upset. I pointed out that I had surgery 3 weeks ago and having been back at work last week am really tired. Not sleeping well either which doesn't help. I pointed out that when he gets in from work he games. I do everything else.

He wouldn't let me talk and I ended up shouting "what did your last servant die of" as I got so frustrated. I shouldn't have shouted but at that point I had had enough.

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time, I never feel like having sex (I'm exhausted and can't just switch it on!) , and shouted at him when he asked me not to (I did ask him at this point to write down how he would like me to behave in future so I don't forget)

I have woken up this morning really upset about the whole thing. Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with? Aibu to feel like this or was I wrong?

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 02/05/2021 08:15

Don't get cross, get angry
Sweetheart, get funking LlVID.

What is this man really bringing to your life?
How would you feel if you knew your daughter was in a relationship like this?

KICK HIM OUT.
Today preferably.

And thank your lucky stars and he's a P not a H (he certainly instead a D anything), you owe him nothing.

All my very best wishes x

everythingthelighttouches · 02/05/2021 08:17

What does he contribute?

Does he pay rent at market rate? Would you have room for a lodger?

My opinion, reading what you’ve just written, is it sounds like yours and your children’s lives will be much better without him around, even if you are financially worse off. How awful for them to live with a horrible atmosphere/treading on eggshells the whole time .

In the interests of helping you get your head straight, perhaps you can think about the following:

You already lived in the property before so presumably could afford it without him. How did life improve when he joined the household? Money for.... new cars, holidays, paying the house off, home improvements???

I’m not saying any of those things are worth having him in your life for at all but I suspect that when you look at what the benefits are, they are extremely few.

Bluetrews25 · 02/05/2021 08:17

Asking him what his last slave died of was genius.
OP, this is your house, you are the boss. He sounds really nasty. You know what to do, and we all agree with you.
Hope you feel fully recovered from your surgery soon. Flowers

stressfuljune · 02/05/2021 08:17

He's a leech. He's got a cushy number. He's acting like a spoilt teenager. Does he even pay his way?
You'd be better off on your own as he adds work not shares.

Frustratedbeyondbelief · 02/05/2021 08:20

Close your eyes for one minute and imagine what it would feel like not worrying about the possibility of a 'bad atmosphere'

.. because you have got shot of him and regained your self respect- all in one simple move... time to send him back to his mums where he can play games and be waited on hand and foot.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/05/2021 08:21

@stressfuljune

He's a leech. He's got a cushy number. He's acting like a spoilt teenager. Does he even pay his way? You'd be better off on your own as he adds work not shares.
Your house, your kids, your rules. If dp is not a husband, set him straight. You are doing everything for everybody now. So show him the door and you have one less body to do things for! PS. Make sure you get his set of keys before he exits.
squiglet111 · 02/05/2021 08:21

What are you doing with this man?! The only good thing I've read is it's your house.... Get him out!!!

Yorkterrier · 02/05/2021 08:22

You are showing your children that this is what women and men do. Women are slaves. Please stop it for the sake of society. He's awful, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone like that. What a turn off.

KinseyWinsey · 02/05/2021 08:23

You can be free of this shithead.

He brings nothing to make you happy or doesn't even seek to make your life easier.

He sounds horrible.

Please get rid of him.

itsgettingwierd · 02/05/2021 08:24

I* don't feed him on time
*
He's an adult apparently

If he wants feeding then make food.

The relationship sounds awful and I'd want out. But if I was going to give it a chance I'd tell him when he starts doing 50% of the housework as your partner then you will start doing things for him again.

Until then he can do his own cooking and washing etc.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 02/05/2021 08:24

Kick him out, get on with life without a piece of shit cock lodger.

Yorkterrier · 02/05/2021 08:25

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM THE RELATIONSHIP??

SpiderinaWingMirror · 02/05/2021 08:31

Honestly. Your kids dont have to put up with this.
What are you doing?

Nith · 02/05/2021 08:32

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time

Point out that he doesn't care enough to feed you on time, particularly when you're recovering from surgery. Really, it's a total nonsense that he isn't sharing chores in the evening.

stairgates · 02/05/2021 08:33

Time for him to leave

Breakfastburrito · 02/05/2021 08:33

Kick him out! What exactly does he bring to your life? Sounds like he just creates extra work for you and makes you feel like shit on top of it.

squiglet111 · 02/05/2021 08:34

Honestly op I'm angry for you. I am glad you've woken up and realised that it's not right. You should not be working full time and doing all the chores / cooking while he does nothing. That's not on at all. I don't know if he pays any of the bills, but regardless, he should still be contributing to the house. He should not be demanding that you cook for him. Even if you were a house wife its still not on for him to expect dinner at the time he wants. And if op you worry about how you will cope being a single mum... Does he actually do anything that helps you at all? Sounds like your life would be easier without him. Get rid and wake up tomorrow not having to tip toe around wondering what mood he will be in in YOUR HOUSE

Killahangilion · 02/05/2021 08:36

Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is how their own adult relationships should be conducted?

The sooner you get rid, the sooner you can start looking for a decent caring partner, and he’s definitely out there waiting for you!

MarcelinesMa · 02/05/2021 08:39

No wonder you shouted. He sounds a fucking useless prick who treats you like his staff and I wouldn’t be in a massive hurry to do anything for him anymore.

HappyRaven · 02/05/2021 08:40

You sound like you would be so much happier without him. You deserve better. How does he benefit yours and your child's life?

Modestandatinybitsexy · 02/05/2021 08:41

What a useless arsehole. Honestly, what did his last servant die of, or did they just get sick of his shot and kick him out?!

Notagain20 · 02/05/2021 08:42

@Tiredandcross

Thank you for your responses.

I'm glad I'm not wrong to have got so cross. He left me feeling like I was in the wrong somehow.

It is my house, he moved in with me and my dc 8 years ago. We eventually planned to buy our own but it's not happened...thank goodness really!

Yes I've facilitated this I know. I'm not proud of that but it has happened and this is where I am.

I'm dreading hearing him get up as I know he is likely to be in a bad mood and sulking and short with me and I can't bear bad atmospheres.

One of the best things you can do here is learn to tolerate a bad atmosphere. Think of it like a superpower. If you crumble at the thought of him sulking or ruining the atmosphere this gives him a huge amount of power over you. One of the simplest ways of taking your power back is by acting as if you simply don't care or haven't even noticed that he's sulking. Be your cheerful self and go about your day, go out for the day perhaps, just let him sulk.

You need to develop your superpower of not being scared of a bad atmosphere. It's not your responsibility to ensure the atmosphere is a good one, it's a shared responsibility. As long as he knows you will do whatever is necessary to stop him ruining everyone's day, he will continue to behave like a spoiled child.

And get your affairs in order because you will soon want to leave him, I reckon. Especially once you start to feel your superpowers Star

HarebrightCedarmoon · 02/05/2021 08:42

I'd have told him last night if he doesn't like the arrangement he can fuck off, the cheeky twat.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 02/05/2021 08:42

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time

So he sees himself as a kind of pet? You keep him like other people keep cats? Rehome.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 02/05/2021 08:43

You have to make two evening meals because his lordship wants to play with his friends till 9pm???? Everything you’ve told us about him is bad, but that is ludicrous.

Come on, OP. You’re stuck in a rut with this leech. I know it’s hard to make a new start at this time of life, but you have nothing to lose. I ended a relationship like yours in my 40s because I reckoned loneliness would be better than the miserable life I was enduring. Once he was off my back, I started enjoying life again: I’d been more lonely while he was with me.