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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be so cross about this?

378 replies

Tiredandcross · 02/05/2021 06:46

Have nc'd as outing but regular, long time poster....sistene screamer, penis beaker, Spanish gran etc

Had a huge row with dp last night. I do all...and I mean all....the housework we both work full time. I have not been happy for sometime and have made it very clear he needs to start helping but nothing going.

Three weeks ago I had day surgery. It was minor but can take months to recover. I had 2 weeks off work and spent the first week asleep on the sofa most of the day but was still expected to do dinner etc etc. Back to work last week and yesterday was totally exhausted.

I am menopausal, disturbed by the dogs the night before, and dp snoring. So was also not very friendly to anyone...not rude but not chatty.

He was really off with me during dinner. It was late as I was tired, and had not got my act together very well.

However we always eat at 9 because he likes to game with his mates until then. Last night he had a go as apparently I don't care and spend more time doing stuff for my kids as dinner is getting later and later.

I pointed out that I finish work at 5.30 and by the time I have walked the dogs and got the kids dinner it is 7pm. Then I like to speak to my parents every evening, they are in their 80's and I have seen them once in the last year as they are some distance from me. I also have laundry and housework to do and assist my dc with asd with personal care and school work. So yeah sometimes dinner is late.

He told me I don't care and when I started to get frustrated and upset apparently this meant I knew he was right. I told him no, I'm upset because he is wrong and wasn't letting me talk at which point he told me to stop raising my voice.

I was so upset. I pointed out that I had surgery 3 weeks ago and having been back at work last week am really tired. Not sleeping well either which doesn't help. I pointed out that when he gets in from work he games. I do everything else.

He wouldn't let me talk and I ended up shouting "what did your last servant die of" as I got so frustrated. I shouldn't have shouted but at that point I had had enough.

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time, I never feel like having sex (I'm exhausted and can't just switch it on!) , and shouted at him when he asked me not to (I did ask him at this point to write down how he would like me to behave in future so I don't forget)

I have woken up this morning really upset about the whole thing. Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with? Aibu to feel like this or was I wrong?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 02/05/2021 19:56

He's dictating how and what you should do, and you're just letting him. I think us women tend to be submissive and let the MOTH rule the roost. It's your house and you're not married? Chuck him out, the lazy, bullying, domineering prick!

dapsnotplimsolls · 02/05/2021 19:56

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I repeat others' points. I've just been planning a lesson on women on Nazi Germany and your first post was eerily similar ...

numberoneson · 02/05/2021 20:01

Get rid of him, he's a selfish, emotionally abusive slob and life's too short to put up with his crap. You might even find someone else like my beloved late husband, who adores you unconditionally, works AND does his share of everything about the home and listens empathetically to you when you need support. (When I was in hospital for 3 weeks, he did his stressful day job as manager of a Care Home, went home for his dinner, saw to our dogs, cats and horses then drove the 90 mile round trip to visit me. Every. Single. Night.) Admittedly it took 2 short lousy marriages and 7 wasted years on a plonker before I found him, but if you stay with this jerk - whom you don't even have a good sexual mix with - you're denying yourself the chance of being REALLY happy.

Lilymossflower · 02/05/2021 20:29

He sounds extremely misogynistic

BonnieDundee · 02/05/2021 20:35

Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with?

Yes Sad

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 02/05/2021 20:44

Have you told him to go yet OP?

RachelRaven · 02/05/2021 20:49

Good luck getting rid of him, op.

Don not give him endless time to find somewhere to live. His sort will stay as ling as possibly and make you miserable.

NoNameNoOne · 02/05/2021 20:51

Why do you want to stay in this relationship? It sounds truly awful.

Horehound · 02/05/2021 20:58

It's pretty obvious he doesn't give a shot about you, is living with you for an easy life while you skivvy behind him making his food, cleaning up and paying the mortgage.

Jesus Christ leave this fucking loser.

skodadoda · 02/05/2021 21:26

(I did ask him at this point to write down how he would like me to behave in future so I don't forget)
What!!! I’ve never said this before but, LTB. How dare he!

Bopahula · 02/05/2021 21:47

I predict when you tell him, he will be all apologetic suddenly realising he's gone too far. When that doesn't work he will turn the screws and be nasty.
Tell him to go, if he's a knob pack his bags whilst he's at work and change the locks.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 02/05/2021 21:50

A cuckoo has sidled into your nest without you knowing. OP.
Kick it out, 💐

billy1966 · 02/05/2021 21:54

So does this mean by two meal times you have eaten with him instead of your children for years?

Really OP?

Mix56 · 02/05/2021 22:24

@Pansypotter123

But wouldn't you think, if he was so totally in love with me, he would be trying to sort this out?

And there in lies your answer.....

Perfect
GreenTeaPingPong · 02/05/2021 22:51

OP, you say you hate confrontation, I understand that. But it doesn't have to be a big row. You just calmly and clearly tell him that you've been thinking about things and you don't feel the same any more, it's over and he needs to move out by x date, there's no debate or argument, just keep repeating that it's over and he needs to move out.

You can do this, don't put it off. Good luck!

StardewMelons · 03/05/2021 01:10

OP, if you don't feel strong enough to just leave (it isnt that easy a lot of the time!) At least start by making only your own meals for you and the kids. Ignore his schedule. Leave him to it. Let him realise he doesnt have an unpaid servant. Leave his washing. His dishes his meals, and when you do have a moment not dealing with the kids enjoy a tv programme or film whatever.

NewlyGranny · 03/05/2021 09:20

Just remember, OP, when a parasitic man says "But I love you!" it needs a translation.

What he's really saying is, "But my life is comfortable here. I love having free lodgings. I love the room service. I love the laundry service. I love watching you scurry about trying to keep me sweet. I love having a handmaid. I love leaving all the heavy lifting to someone else."

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/05/2021 10:09

He doesn’t love you. He loves his easy cushty life...he doesn’t even pay his way financially. Get rid please, for your children’s and your own life-your boys are not learning about good relationships with your role modelling here.

wombatgoeswild · 03/05/2021 10:23

I'd have a chat with his ex about why he's an ex.

Turn that around & work out quite why you are trying to accommodate all of his needs when none of yours are being met.

Sit on his game until he's ready to eat at 9, I'd have killed and probably eaten him nicely roasted by then...would be so hungry...

OldEvilOwl · 03/05/2021 10:45

Get angry OP, he doesn't deserve you

1WayOrAnother2 · 03/05/2021 13:23

I hope that you can win back your life OP-however you decide to do this - you do deserve much better than this.

From the outside he looks very easy to leave but no doubt this is not so easy for you.

Wishing you all the best and a much happier future whatever you decide to do.

RealisticSketch · 03/05/2021 13:50

Keep it really simple when you talk. No details to haggle.
I would never have shared my life with you in the first place if I'd known that you would gradually take more and more advantage of me. This relationship has reached its full potential and I know longer want to be in it. You have until the end of Sunday to go.

Make sure you are prepared, maybe you know he has a friend who can put him up while he sits himself out, give him as little notice was you can without causing him huge issues.
If he knows any of your computer passwords etc change those so he can't sabotage any of your communications or banking.
Hide anything really valuable in case he has a vindictive moment.
Just state it calmly as fact and answer questions if he needs closure but don't discuss. 'This is how it is for me' is your base statement for your perspective, no-one can contradict 'my feelings are' because it is your truth.
Once he's gone maybe change the locks.

Howshouldibehave · 03/05/2021 14:25

How’s it going, @Tiredandcross -did you manage to have a chat with him?

Original poster
Tiredandcross · 03/05/2021 16:08

Hi everyone thank you again for all of your messages. They really do help keep my mind on track, it's amazing how incredibly easy it is to slip back to just accepting the status quo.

So today he is very subdued still and very non-confrontational. But get this....he vacuumed downstairs and washed the kitchen floor!! It was very passive aggressive cleaning and he clearly expected praise at the end of it which he did not get. This is the first time in years he has done anything in the house.

I don't know if it's the menopause or I've just had enough, or a combination of both, but I am not pandering to it anymore.

I want to be calm, I want to be happy, I want to be not tired. I really don't want to be with him and the responses on here have made that really clear to me. It took you all to show me what I didn't want to see! I don't even want to try and resolve it with him, I realise I have no respect for him just living off my goodwill for so long.

However I am also (because, you know, I have so much time to spare) doing my MA. I have a paper due in this week and I can't get an extension as I already have one due to the surgery. I am not going to let him get in the way of it so I am going to get that done and make sure I have all my paperwork safe and separate from his, I'm pretty sure I have it all but I want to be able to send him off with everything important so I can take his key and the rest he can collect when convenient for me and not cos he needs it.

I will keep you all posted cos the way I feel, still, after the way he spoke to me just hasn't gone away and I'm not going to let it after the strength I have got from all of you.

OP posts:
Frenchfancy · 03/05/2021 16:17

Get your paper done. There is no immediate rush as you don't seem to be in any danger. Take your time, you are in control. Stay strong!