Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be so cross about this?

378 replies

Tiredandcross · 02/05/2021 06:46

Have nc'd as outing but regular, long time poster....sistene screamer, penis beaker, Spanish gran etc

Had a huge row with dp last night. I do all...and I mean all....the housework we both work full time. I have not been happy for sometime and have made it very clear he needs to start helping but nothing going.

Three weeks ago I had day surgery. It was minor but can take months to recover. I had 2 weeks off work and spent the first week asleep on the sofa most of the day but was still expected to do dinner etc etc. Back to work last week and yesterday was totally exhausted.

I am menopausal, disturbed by the dogs the night before, and dp snoring. So was also not very friendly to anyone...not rude but not chatty.

He was really off with me during dinner. It was late as I was tired, and had not got my act together very well.

However we always eat at 9 because he likes to game with his mates until then. Last night he had a go as apparently I don't care and spend more time doing stuff for my kids as dinner is getting later and later.

I pointed out that I finish work at 5.30 and by the time I have walked the dogs and got the kids dinner it is 7pm. Then I like to speak to my parents every evening, they are in their 80's and I have seen them once in the last year as they are some distance from me. I also have laundry and housework to do and assist my dc with asd with personal care and school work. So yeah sometimes dinner is late.

He told me I don't care and when I started to get frustrated and upset apparently this meant I knew he was right. I told him no, I'm upset because he is wrong and wasn't letting me talk at which point he told me to stop raising my voice.

I was so upset. I pointed out that I had surgery 3 weeks ago and having been back at work last week am really tired. Not sleeping well either which doesn't help. I pointed out that when he gets in from work he games. I do everything else.

He wouldn't let me talk and I ended up shouting "what did your last servant die of" as I got so frustrated. I shouldn't have shouted but at that point I had had enough.

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time, I never feel like having sex (I'm exhausted and can't just switch it on!) , and shouted at him when he asked me not to (I did ask him at this point to write down how he would like me to behave in future so I don't forget)

I have woken up this morning really upset about the whole thing. Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with? Aibu to feel like this or was I wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredandcross · 02/05/2021 17:28

@Ponoka7

"Maybe it took the surgery to feel so tired that all my coping strength went and I can actually see it for what it is."

It's possibly also the menopause. It sets your bullshit radar to zero.

This is definitely true!

No I will do the online shop on my laptop. I'm not going to disturb him cos it suits me right now while I sort the kids out and do my mum's order.

But wouldn't you think, if he was so totally in love with me, he would be trying to sort this out?

OP posts:
CoolCatTaco · 02/05/2021 17:30

Good luck OP, stay strong. I know it won't be easy, but things will be better for you and your DC when he's gone.

Muchmorethan · 02/05/2021 17:40

You've answered your own question... he doesn't love or respect you.

He has no respect for you and basically see you as someone who is is there to cook, clean and pay for him.... you are beneath him.

Get rid.

me4real · 02/05/2021 17:42

He is up and being really nice to me now. So he obviously realises he was in the wrong.

No, he just is trying to charm you for a bit to keep the gravy, laundry, and sex train running.

He's a neanderthal, and sexually coercive.

I hope to hear that you've binned him when you feel able. Please keep us updated.

Pansypotter123 · 02/05/2021 17:43

He is up and being really nice to me now. So he obviously realises he was in the wrong.

That clearly wasn't the case, was it, as he's already reverted to type by playing his sodding game while you continue to do everything (I'm not criticising you here, merely stating the facts).

He's worn you down over the years since he moved in with you and knows you won't challenge him (or haven't up to now). By not challenging him, and/or by continuing to allow the behaviour to continue (if you have questioned him previously), you have unwittingly facilitated his behaviour because he knows exactly how much you will let him get away with.

I agree with other posters - get rid. He brings nothing to your life.

UniversalAunt · 02/05/2021 17:43

I have not read through the whole thread but leapt here as I am shouting...

THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL!

He is not your soulmate, equal partner or helpmate.
He is a burden, an overhead, well past his sell-by date.

You are doing too much for him & not enough for yourself.
He is an adult man who needs to take account & be responsible for how his life is managed, e.g. doing his share. You do not need an adult sized adolescent in the nest.

Eat with the kids by 7pm.
Eat nourishing food that you enjoy - put yourself first.
It’s on the table for him, he shifts his arse & joins the family at the table.
End of meal, if you are kind you put it in the fridge for him to reheat, otherwise it goes in the bin. If he cottons on within a few days, then there is hop for him, otherwise he needs to live somewhere else very soon.

Why can’t you shout at him in your own home?
Why can you not express your own feelings?

I am writing this in a rage at this ghastly man.
But it is not my rage, it is the rage that you are not expressing with him.

It’s your house, your home, your family - this is your life.

There ends my ranting, I’ll now go read the full thread.

Pansypotter123 · 02/05/2021 17:44

But wouldn't you think, if he was so totally in love with me, he would be trying to sort this out?

And there in lies your answer.....

Miasicarisatia · 02/05/2021 17:54

if he was so totally in love with me
he is in love with having someone so in love with him that she sacrifices her own interests to make his life better
he loves you like an amazing appliance which makes your life easier and does all the crap jobs for you
if the machine goes wrong.... well, you just kick it until it starts working again

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 02/05/2021 17:58

@DinosaurDiana

I can’t see why you are still with him to be honest.
I can’t see why you were ever with him to be honest, let alone "still". - assuming that he has always been like this.
pheonixrebirth · 02/05/2021 18:06

I would have a look at the thread on here about the upside of being single, it's amazing, you can feel the collective sigh of relief! 😉
I got rid of mine before Christmas and it was the best feeling. Well, he actually left me and obviously thought I'd beg him to come back. I immediately felt relief when he left, and he very quickly realised that his life is shite without me doing everything, including financing his skint arse. He keeps trying to worm his way back but all he gets is a firm fuck off from me. 😆

Whywonttheyhelpme · 02/05/2021 18:09

You’ve got this @Tiredandcross.

You may have got lost along the way but you are clearly a strong & independent person who does not need this idle, entitled prick in their life.

You and your children will be happier & better off without him.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/05/2021 18:13

He doesn't love you at all. He has ZERO respect for you and love IS respect. You're a meal ticket and sex to him. He's a weapons grade cunt.

Oneeyeopen · 02/05/2021 18:18

OP just think of the peace, the freedom.
You can eat with your children, sleep in a big bed and sprawl, no snoring, buy what food you fancy and only clean up your own mess.

Kick the cock lodging waste of space out!

ivykaty44 · 02/05/2021 18:28

id suggest a break from each other and he moves out for a short while....see what life is like and if your headaches and sleep improve

toocold54 · 02/05/2021 18:29

I will never understand why adults (usually females) stay with someone who they feel uncomfortable around. Two adults shouldn’t not speak to each other, they shouldn’t argue all of the time, they should share childcare chores finances etc as equally as possible - if not then just be single or find someone else. We need to teach our daughters it’s ok to be alone if someone isn’t right for you.

Hexinthecity · 02/05/2021 18:33

@Tiredandcross Flowers for the post suregrry recovery and for all the shot you’re dealing with. He’s a turd. Look on the bright side though, you own your own home, he has no claim to it so you can just tell him it’s over and not have to totally restructure you’re life and the lives of your kids. You deserve so much more, and if he’s not prepared to give it to you then the least he can do is sod off so you can give it to yourself!

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 02/05/2021 18:37

And you are with this useless, entitled teenage wannabe...why, exactly? I honestly don't think he could be any less attractive a proposition if he was trying.

username12345T · 02/05/2021 18:53

Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with?

Obviously not OP. You do other stuff as well.

CoraPirbright · 02/05/2021 19:00

All power to you OP! Ditch the odious turd as soon as you can. I am willing to bet that you will feel an astonishing feeling of lightness & freedom!

ladygindiva · 02/05/2021 19:16

Sorry but this absolutely warrants a LTB. He sounds like an utter prick and I would have said a lot worse than your last slave comment. You were restrained. I'd get rid.

Sagaris · 02/05/2021 19:23

You can do this, @Tiredandcross, please make it sooner rather than later. As others have said, it's a Bank Holiday weekend so plenty of time for him to move his stuff and his lazy arse too. Reminds me of my exh, who sounds remarkably like your cocklodger - his definition of wife was 'Washing, Ironing, Fucking and Everything else', which he thought was hilarious, every time he trotted it out to his drunk moronic friends. He was a lazy bastard too, spent all his time and most of our money on booze, to impress the morons. Got rid and my life became immeasurably better. Good luck, you can do this - you HAVE to do this!

IRIELADY · 02/05/2021 19:28

What a scumbag. He needs to go now.

JanuaryJonez · 02/05/2021 19:28

Sorry but this absolutely warrants a LTB

I usually hesitate from saying this but absolutely agree. You (anyone) deserve so much better than this!!

1WayOrAnother2 · 02/05/2021 19:32

Just tell him that due to recent cuts in energy, you have to slim down the family to make things run more economically.

Only children and essential staff will remain in position.

Which is he again?

Lurcherloves · 02/05/2021 19:42

You sound very tame. I would have told him in harsher terms if I were in your position. He needs to stop being so bloody selfish. Don’t feel bad for sticking up for yourself