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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to be so cross about this?

378 replies

Tiredandcross · 02/05/2021 06:46

Have nc'd as outing but regular, long time poster....sistene screamer, penis beaker, Spanish gran etc

Had a huge row with dp last night. I do all...and I mean all....the housework we both work full time. I have not been happy for sometime and have made it very clear he needs to start helping but nothing going.

Three weeks ago I had day surgery. It was minor but can take months to recover. I had 2 weeks off work and spent the first week asleep on the sofa most of the day but was still expected to do dinner etc etc. Back to work last week and yesterday was totally exhausted.

I am menopausal, disturbed by the dogs the night before, and dp snoring. So was also not very friendly to anyone...not rude but not chatty.

He was really off with me during dinner. It was late as I was tired, and had not got my act together very well.

However we always eat at 9 because he likes to game with his mates until then. Last night he had a go as apparently I don't care and spend more time doing stuff for my kids as dinner is getting later and later.

I pointed out that I finish work at 5.30 and by the time I have walked the dogs and got the kids dinner it is 7pm. Then I like to speak to my parents every evening, they are in their 80's and I have seen them once in the last year as they are some distance from me. I also have laundry and housework to do and assist my dc with asd with personal care and school work. So yeah sometimes dinner is late.

He told me I don't care and when I started to get frustrated and upset apparently this meant I knew he was right. I told him no, I'm upset because he is wrong and wasn't letting me talk at which point he told me to stop raising my voice.

I was so upset. I pointed out that I had surgery 3 weeks ago and having been back at work last week am really tired. Not sleeping well either which doesn't help. I pointed out that when he gets in from work he games. I do everything else.

He wouldn't let me talk and I ended up shouting "what did your last servant die of" as I got so frustrated. I shouldn't have shouted but at that point I had had enough.

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time, I never feel like having sex (I'm exhausted and can't just switch it on!) , and shouted at him when he asked me not to (I did ask him at this point to write down how he would like me to behave in future so I don't forget)

I have woken up this morning really upset about the whole thing. Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with? Aibu to feel like this or was I wrong?

OP posts:
feistymumma · 02/05/2021 14:17

OP, the day I chucked my useless ex who sounds like your partner out was easily one of the best days of my life. Even the children (his) were relieved. He initially thought I was messing around but fours years later I am still thriving.

Phrowzunn · 02/05/2021 14:23

Sending you some support and strength and courage to just chuck him out. Today’s the day! Time to start the rest of your life - what are you waiting for? I’m excited for you!!

CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/05/2021 14:24

Sorry for the derail but @fishonabicycle, love the name!

Drawingablank · 02/05/2021 14:28

Poor dear, is there something wrong with him that he isn’t able to cook?

insomniaisaballbag · 02/05/2021 14:33

Jesus fuck. You do everything while he games and you pay for the pleasure? I hope this is a wind up.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 02/05/2021 14:47

Just ask him to leave. "I don't like you anymore. I'm not going to discuss it with you and you can't bully me into liking you again. We have broken up, I want you and all of your things out of the house by X day."

EdwinPootsLovesArchaeology · 02/05/2021 14:48

@Tiredandcross, when he says 'where am I supposed to go?' the answer is, 'a Premier Inn for all I care, your mother's, a gaming friend's - just leave'.

Don't make it your problem. It's his problem now.

He chose to be a nasty useless arsehole. He gets to reap what he sowed.

HedgePutty · 02/05/2021 14:49

Oh lovely, you sound like a wonderful mother to put them first, get angry that’s normal. Well done for seeing what he is like and look forward to your free time and life free of him. It will only give you more!

Babygotblueyes · 02/05/2021 14:51

Because lazy, irresponsible, selfish, sulky behaviour is soooooo sexy! I would never want to have sex with him again.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 02/05/2021 14:54

Also change the password for the wifi to 'help' him free up time to find somewhere else to live.

Theworldisfullofgs · 02/05/2021 14:54

He gets loads out of this relationship. What do you get?

Keep reminding yourself and at some point you'll be ready. Remember anticipation is always worse than reality.

StrangeLookingParasite · 02/05/2021 14:58

I can't see the poînt of him at all.

thinkIamdone · 02/05/2021 15:09

@Tiredandcross

Thank you for your responses.

I'm glad I'm not wrong to have got so cross. He left me feeling like I was in the wrong somehow.

It is my house, he moved in with me and my dc 8 years ago. We eventually planned to buy our own but it's not happened...thank goodness really!

Yes I've facilitated this I know. I'm not proud of that but it has happened and this is where I am.

I'm dreading hearing him get up as I know he is likely to be in a bad mood and sulking and short with me and I can't bear bad atmospheres.

Thank god you are not married and he is not on the deeds. Ask him to leave now. How on earth have you put up with this piece of shit for so long?
DaphneDuBois · 02/05/2021 15:18

He sounds hideous and selfish.

Howshouldibehave · 02/05/2021 15:44

Have nc'd as outing but regular, long time poster....sistene screamer, penis beaker, Spanish gran etc

I’m amazed if you’ve been a MN this long, you wouldn’t recognise this twat for what he is!!

QueeniesCroft · 02/05/2021 15:46

Unless he is actually a labrador, he doesn't get to play all evening and then moan that his dinner isn't ready.
Since you already do all the work, the change when he leaves will mostly be to do with the atmosphere in the house. You won't have to worry about the moaning or the extra mess and you will feel instantly lghter.

Moonwhite · 02/05/2021 15:48

He really landed on his feet when he met you. Free housing, all cooking and cleaning laid on for him and he's free to game with his mates while you juggle everything. I'd ask about the solid gold cock but clearly that has no appeal either.

You have the power in this situation, you just need to realize it. So does he...

lalafafa · 02/05/2021 16:07

this can't be real

Tiredandcross · 02/05/2021 16:10

Hi all...thank you again for all your replies, I keep wanting to reply to them all individually but I would be here a while!

Yeah you would think having been on MN for so long I would know. I am and always have been a classic example of being able to give advise but not seeing my own situation for what it is.

He hasn't spoken much to me today but went out to wash the car and his van and his ds has just turned up to wash his car (his dc, he has 2, are fab and never been an issue, their dm is great with them).

I'm trying to remember some of the other questions. My DC one is at Uni, 2 at home. 1 with asd and unable to cook yet though I am working with her to help her be more independent. 1 has struggled with MH over lockdown, in yr 11 so working really hard to complete assessments for GCSE grades. Can cook very well but I want him to focus on himself at the moment.

I just went for a walk on my own, and thought it really is just a short moment of telling him and once he's gone that's it. I just have to do it.

Thank you for the collective MN strength.

OP posts:
KarmaViolet · 02/05/2021 16:13

Good luck OP. He sounds draining on all possible levels.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/05/2021 16:14

Get rid. Standing up for you, for your kids, for your self-respect and their lives is not confrontation. It's putting all of you first over this cocklodging douchebag.

NO backing down. This is who he is. You had surgery and he still expected restaurant and bed service. He's a cunt.

stackemhigh · 02/05/2021 16:16

Rooting for you OP. You will feel much lighter when he's gone.

Taikoo · 02/05/2021 16:20

Just do it today.

Noshowlomo · 02/05/2021 16:21

Good luck OP

1forAll74 · 02/05/2021 16:21

It's a crap way to live, living with a moody selfish and sulking man, and I certainly would not like any man, who has to spend time gaming, instead of participating in family life, and I would not cook him any meals under this kind of situation.