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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be so cross about this?

378 replies

Tiredandcross · 02/05/2021 06:46

Have nc'd as outing but regular, long time poster....sistene screamer, penis beaker, Spanish gran etc

Had a huge row with dp last night. I do all...and I mean all....the housework we both work full time. I have not been happy for sometime and have made it very clear he needs to start helping but nothing going.

Three weeks ago I had day surgery. It was minor but can take months to recover. I had 2 weeks off work and spent the first week asleep on the sofa most of the day but was still expected to do dinner etc etc. Back to work last week and yesterday was totally exhausted.

I am menopausal, disturbed by the dogs the night before, and dp snoring. So was also not very friendly to anyone...not rude but not chatty.

He was really off with me during dinner. It was late as I was tired, and had not got my act together very well.

However we always eat at 9 because he likes to game with his mates until then. Last night he had a go as apparently I don't care and spend more time doing stuff for my kids as dinner is getting later and later.

I pointed out that I finish work at 5.30 and by the time I have walked the dogs and got the kids dinner it is 7pm. Then I like to speak to my parents every evening, they are in their 80's and I have seen them once in the last year as they are some distance from me. I also have laundry and housework to do and assist my dc with asd with personal care and school work. So yeah sometimes dinner is late.

He told me I don't care and when I started to get frustrated and upset apparently this meant I knew he was right. I told him no, I'm upset because he is wrong and wasn't letting me talk at which point he told me to stop raising my voice.

I was so upset. I pointed out that I had surgery 3 weeks ago and having been back at work last week am really tired. Not sleeping well either which doesn't help. I pointed out that when he gets in from work he games. I do everything else.

He wouldn't let me talk and I ended up shouting "what did your last servant die of" as I got so frustrated. I shouldn't have shouted but at that point I had had enough.

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time, I never feel like having sex (I'm exhausted and can't just switch it on!) , and shouted at him when he asked me not to (I did ask him at this point to write down how he would like me to behave in future so I don't forget)

I have woken up this morning really upset about the whole thing. Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with? Aibu to feel like this or was I wrong?

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 02/05/2021 16:21

You've got this, OP!

Your life will be so much better with this arsehole gone.

Yorkterrier · 02/05/2021 16:21

Go OP! We have got you here! We will be here to help give you strength!

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 02/05/2021 16:22

Good luck OP...we're all behind you!

NeedNewKnees · 02/05/2021 16:23

Wishing you so much happiness and joy once you get this entitled eejit out of your house and your life.

One difficult conversation, then the rest of your life free!

NewlyGranny · 02/05/2021 16:23

Two ideas: first that you might tell him since your op and his complete failure to make your life the tiniest scrap easier afterwards, you've been having a long hard think about the current arrangement and ask him to spell out in a written list, not verbally, exactly what he thinks he is bringing to the partnership/household to enhance your life and day-to-day happiness.

Second idea: If you tell him to leave and he asks where he is supposed to go, you can tell him that's his concern, not yours, and remind him you aren't a charity-run homeless hostel with room service!

You need rid of this one, you really do. He's another child, the most unreasonable and demanding of the lot, and one who will never grow up!

If he writes you the list, you could annotate it in another colour with what you bring to his life, point out the massive imbalance and give him notice. I'd be tempted to say 59 hours, but perhaps a week to be sorted, packed and gone is more realistic.

Is there any likelihood he could turn awkward or violent? Be ready to dial 999 if he does. I'd be changing all my passwords just in case and organise a locksmith to change the locks.

He got a mite too comfortable, didn't he?!

everythingthelighttouches · 02/05/2021 16:24

Hope you can do it OP. Just a few short moments to get the words out and although daunting, it will be the most empowering moment of your life.

This last few years will become a period of time in your life ....but not your life.

NewlyGranny · 02/05/2021 16:24

48 hours! Not 59...😂

Mix56 · 02/05/2021 16:24

OP, I'm glad you have made the resolution to drop this dead weight.
You will have so much more time to spend on yourself, eat at 7 with your kids, none of his mess to clear up,
You are effectively already living alone, he prefers his gaming mates to you.
Watch the idiot back track once he realizes he has ruined his free housing option.
Be strong, but be safe, if there is any likelihood of him being violent get someone around to be there to see him out. (& leave the keys obvs.)

Howshouldibehave · 02/05/2021 16:42

Good for you!

Where did he live before he moved in with you? Do you think he will complain that he has nowhere to go?

WallaceinAnderland · 02/05/2021 16:44

You really need to see this through OP. He is not a partner. Partners support, encourage and help each other. That's why it's a partnership. What you have is, well, an annoying person in your house. Tell him to leave. You will be so much happier.

Original poster
Tiredandcross · 02/05/2021 16:47

I have just been over to pick ds up and come home and he is on his game.

I have been doing my dparents online food shopping for a year now and have to do it again now. But I'm not putting up with this anymore.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 02/05/2021 16:48

Just tell him OP, get it over and done with. Is he likely to be aggressive?

Coyoacan · 02/05/2021 16:48

I arrived late to this thread. As your situation is so clearly wrong, I'm glad to see you are getting good advice and are going to act on it, OP.

Howshouldibehave · 02/05/2021 16:51

Stop his game and tell him now. Get it over with.

BruceAndNosh · 02/05/2021 16:54

@Tiredandcross

I have just been over to pick ds up and come home and he is on his game.

I have been doing my dparents online food shopping for a year now and have to do it again now. But I'm not putting up with this anymore.

Is he gaming on the computer you need to do the online shop?
FeatheredHope · 02/05/2021 17:00

You can do this @Tiredandcross

Just think how much easier life will be without all his shit weighing on you.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/05/2021 17:01

Op, you could do this another way.
Will he be at work tomorrow or Tuesday? Take an emergency day off. Get a locksmith out whilst you chuck most of his stuff in black bags (do not waste a suitcase on him unless it's his). Text him after the locks are changed (lunch time?) to tell him to find somewhere else & his stuff is on the doorstep. Do not let him back in the house. Any other stuff he needs to pick up (again from the doorstep) can be arranged for when you can have some back up support with you in the house.

Ponoka7 · 02/05/2021 17:01

"Maybe it took the surgery to feel so tired that all my coping strength went and I can actually see it for what it is."

It's possibly also the menopause. It sets your bullshit radar to zero.

Whatamesssss · 02/05/2021 17:03

Do it in your own time and when you are comfortable and safe.

Best wishes Flowers

Wallywobbles · 02/05/2021 17:09

Just text him if you prefer. Think it out. Decide on the time frame. Then text him. Say it's not a discussion or a negotiation it's just done.

Good luck. Project yourself into the future. It looks bloody awesome.

Josette77 · 02/05/2021 17:11

OP you are strong and can do this. You will be so much happier on your own. I speak from experience. 💗

RampantIvy · 02/05/2021 17:23

Can you switch the router off mid game?

I know it is childish, but you can switch it on again and claim internet outage Grin

Gothichouse40 · 02/05/2021 17:24

Remove the plugs from the gaming machines and hide them. Tell him he can get them back when he gets his lazy a* into gear and gives you and both your children some support and help. Why, oh why do women put up with this? You'd be better off as a single parent, in fact you are one. Either get him to help you or get rid.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 02/05/2021 17:27

Just wanted to wish OP good luck. She deserves so much better than what she's getting with this guy.Flowers

BobLemon · 02/05/2021 17:28

I’ve just realised the age of your DCs!!!

Two mealtimes is ABSURD. FU&KING ABSURD.

If you don’t want to go whole hog in kicking him out, then at least start with mealtimes. There will be ONE meal prepared by you and it’s up to him if he bothers to eat with you or not.

Also - don’t you eat with your DCs? It’s one of my fav parts of the day!