Disagreement with DH over DD staying with boyfriend

[laughinggasssing]

Disagreement with DH tonight over a possible future situation. Who’s BU?
DD has had a boyfriend for a year. They met right before first lockdown and obviously have had longish periods of not seeing each other, but always spoke every day, and are now meeting each other a lot more. She’s 15, year 10, Sept birthday. He’s 15, year 10, Oct birthday. Same school.
He seems very nice. He’s polite and she tells me he’s respectful and doesn’t pressure her to do things she’s not comfortable with. We’ve all met his parents and they’re lovely and his mum and I are on a similar wavelength about parenting. It’s all good.
His parents are American and when travel is allowed they really want to go and see family. Their plan is to go for 5 weeks in summer. Boyfriend and his older brother and sister (19 and 21) don’t want to stay for that long so the plan is that the three of them travel home after 3 weeks and boyfriend stays at home in England with older siblings for 2 weeks.

DD was chatting over dinner tonight and was very excited as she plans to spend lots of time there over the summer and apparently she will also be staying overnight. DH (usually very chilled chap) just told her no way and so now she’s sulking. Personally I feel they’d be a month or 2 away from 16, in a long and committed relationship and (crucially) if they’re going to have sex then they will and they’ll just have sex in the daytime! I’d rather talk to her about consent, make sure she feels safe and not pressured and has birth control if needed. DH seems to think I’m hopelessly lax as “it’s illegal” and it sounds like I’m encouraging it. I’m not delighted, but I’m also pragmatic.
Am I being foolish? DH has just said I’m prioritising my good relationship with DD over parenting her appropriately in this situation and it stings a little....

I’m with you OP. At that age they’d have sex in a bush on the way to school of a morning if that’s what they wanted.

Your approach is the reasonable one. Be safe and understand consent. I think your husband is being unreasonable

Compromise. Dd can go over during the day but comes home at night to sleep? They will have plenty alone time during the day to do what they will.

@Hankunamatata

Compromise. Dd can go over during the day but comes home at night to sleep? They will have plenty alone time during the day to do what they will.

But isn't that just a bit inconsistent? Assuming they'll get up to all sorts but it's ok as long as it's not overnight?

DH is being the protective dad, unhappy at the thought his dd is growing up and not needing her df quite so much. Only to be expected from a loving father I suppose. But as you say, she's so close to being 16 - will he react any differently in another month or two?

They’ll be having sex regardless if that’s what they choose to do, so banning overnights is pointless.

I do think 15 is a bit emotionally young to be having that sort of staying over lots relationship. It’s up to you both though only you know your daughter. I’d never of asked my parents at 15/16 to stay at a boys house. This may be a non issue you though as teenage relationships are fickle, they may not even be together in the summer!

@Stinkywizzleteets

I’m with you OP. At that age they’d have sex in a bush on the way to school of a morning if that’s what they wanted.

Your approach is the reasonable one. Be safe and understand consent. I think your husband is being unreasonable

Thanks. I think some of this might be triggered by his discomfort over our different early experiences. At 15 I was most definitely not a virgin- there was also lots of vodka, fags and a much older boyfriend. I WOULD NOT BE SUPPORTIVE OF DD DOING THIS!!! DH was head boy of a posh school on a choral scholarship and finally lost his virginity at 19 to his girlfriend of two years.

DD is a nice mix of the two of us!

However his comment has made me uncomfortable. I know he's struggled with our different life experience in the past (although it's been 22 years so I thought he was over it.) I'm not suggesting she follows in my footsteps (frankly God forbid) but he can't seem to see the difference in circumstances.

There is a big difference though between allowing dd to be at bf house during the day to sanctioning over night sleep over. It's a bit like saying yeah go ahead and have sex, we are cool with that.

I know they will do it regardless but I can kind of see dh point by not giving it the parent seal of approval

There just seems more pressure with overnight stays, putting more of an emphasis on the relationship- I know that probably sounds daft

I agree with you OP, and never thought I would u til I was in that situation myself. I ket DD have sleepovers with her boyfriend at 16 and never thought I would. I think affording her that respect and trust has meant she’s always been honest and open with me. We have a really honest relationship now, she talks about everything to me. I’m confident she’s being safe too which is reassuring.

@Hankunamatata

There is a big difference though between allowing dd to be at bf house during the day to sanctioning over night sleep over. It's a bit like saying yeah go ahead and have sex, we are cool with that.

I know they will do it regardless but I can kind of see dh point by not giving it the parent seal of approval

But that makes no sense to me. So you’re saying no for appearances sake? If you know they’ll likely be having sex anyway, why is it different if this is overnight or during the day?

One school of thought on overnights is that it pushes the relationship to a stage that perhaps the kids in the relationship are not ready for and makes it harder for them to exit the relationship when they want to.

Also, taking it further, what happens when the parents return from their trip? Are you happy for the boy to stay overnight at your house. What impact will it gave on your family life? Does this mean you will rarely see DD as she will spend the entire weekend at the boyfriends place
For me the question of overnights has far more to do with the emotional part of a relationship and the impact of the relationship on family life than the timing of when they have sex.

Are these issues that you and DH have thought about?

I also get the they can have sex any time of the day etc. I actually used to use that line on my mum 😂 well maybe worded a bit better lol. I wouldn't let my dd stay over at 15, I think ur dh is right in this.

@Hankunamatata

There just seems more pressure with overnight stays, putting more of an emphasis on the relationship- I know that probably sounds daft

It doesn't sound daft. It's very much DHs opinion and I do respect him. We're usually aligned on most things so this is unusual, hence me questioning myself. I suppose I'm asking "would we feel any different if she was actually 16- if they waited another 2 months to be all above board or is it just that 15/16 is too young to be staying over? I'm desperate for her to be safe and happy and have a healthy relationship with sex and consent (things I really didn't have myself at her age) because I know the emotional mess it makes if not.

IMO you should respect his wishes, the parent not comfortable should trump the one who doesn't mind.

I’ve got a16 year old with a lovely boyfriend. She doesn’t stay there but he sometimes stays here in the spare room.
You and DH need to agree on what you are comfortable with and I think you should respect your DHs opinion.

@Rainbowqueeen

One school of thought on overnights is that it pushes the relationship to a stage that perhaps the kids in the relationship are not ready for and makes it harder for them to exit the relationship when they want to. Also, taking it further, what happens when the parents return from their trip? Are you happy for the boy to stay overnight at your house. What impact will it gave on your family life? Does this mean you will rarely see DD as she will spend the entire weekend at the boyfriends place For me the question of overnights has far more to do with the emotional part of a relationship and the impact of the relationship on family life than the timing of when they have sex. Are these issues that you and DH have thought about?

These are great points. And I hadn't thought about them at all. Dammit. His mum and I are really aligned so I suppose I've been thinking this would be a one off in exceptional circumstances whilst the sibling supervision gives them a bit of freedom. I wouldn't have him staying overnight with us and I'm nearly certain his mum wouldn't either but obviously haven't spoken about it.

i agree with your husband.
it isn't appropriate, esp in a house where there are no parents in charge.
it is for a later stage of life, not 15. they would be playing at being grown-ups, and things can go wrong.
they are still very young and need careful guidance, whether they accept that or not. in fact it is part of being so young that they cannot see that.

What are the boyfriend's parent's thoughts about your daughter's plans to be there overnight while they are abroad?

I agree with your DH too. Mine will not be having sleepovers with dates until 18 and are adults. It may be legal at 16 but they are still a child at that age.

@AlmostAJillSandwich

IMO you should respect his wishes, the parent not comfortable should trump the one who doesn't mind.

I think this is a very important point.

@lap90

What are the boyfriend's parent's thoughts about your daughter's plans to be there overnight while they are abroad?

Great question. This was dropped on us tonight and is obviously a long way in the future but I was surprised DH and I weren't on the same page. We're usually very aligned so I was questioning myself, and people have made good points. I'm still not that fussed about her perhaps having sex a bit earlier than legal m, but now rather more worried about the emotional repercussions of moving to a very adult life stage too quickly. I will obviously talk to his mum when the time is closer and hopefully we can agree something of a united front. I will however be having a conversation about contraceptive options pretty soon.

I slept in the same bed as my first boyfriend on overnights for over a year before we had sex. Just because a parent says ok you can stay overnight doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to go straight to having sex. Your husband didn’t have sex for a couple of years into a relationship, why does he assume his daughter would be any different?

He needs to learn to respect her, trust her judgement and decision and accept her growing up. If she had just turned 15 I might feel differently but she’s about to be 16

My worry would be that if she is staying overnight with no adults in the house, supervised only by her DB’s older siblings, is that it’s not just about the sex but that the overnights are likely to be mixed with alcohol, drugs, peer pressure from older teens who are also in the house seeing her DB’s siblings.

I had parties in my parent’s house at 19/20 when they were away and I definitely wouldn’t say they were suitable for a 15-year-old. How well do you know the BF’s siblings to be sure they will offer adequate supervision? If she goes over in the day but knows she’s coming home to you they might still choose to have sex but she’s less likely to be mixing sex with alcohol which could make her more likely to do things she doesn’t truly feel ready for.

If you’re going to start letting them have overnights I think doing it in a house with no adults is really risky; you’d be far better letting them take that first step when there are parents in the house which will probably make them hold back on doing anything unless they are definitely ready rather than moving forward too quickly because they feel the novelty of an empty house is time limited and so it’s a kind of ‘now or never’ situation.

I would say no to spending nights i would also never let my ds have overnights with a girlfriend so unless you want to deal with an underage pregnancy I would side with your dh on this