Disagreement with DH over DD staying with boyfriend

[laughinggasssing]

Disagreement with DH tonight over a possible future situation. Who’s BU?
DD has had a boyfriend for a year. They met right before first lockdown and obviously have had longish periods of not seeing each other, but always spoke every day, and are now meeting each other a lot more. She’s 15, year 10, Sept birthday. He’s 15, year 10, Oct birthday. Same school.
He seems very nice. He’s polite and she tells me he’s respectful and doesn’t pressure her to do things she’s not comfortable with. We’ve all met his parents and they’re lovely and his mum and I are on a similar wavelength about parenting. It’s all good.
His parents are American and when travel is allowed they really want to go and see family. Their plan is to go for 5 weeks in summer. Boyfriend and his older brother and sister (19 and 21) don’t want to stay for that long so the plan is that the three of them travel home after 3 weeks and boyfriend stays at home in England with older siblings for 2 weeks.

DD was chatting over dinner tonight and was very excited as she plans to spend lots of time there over the summer and apparently she will also be staying overnight. DH (usually very chilled chap) just told her no way and so now she’s sulking. Personally I feel they’d be a month or 2 away from 16, in a long and committed relationship and (crucially) if they’re going to have sex then they will and they’ll just have sex in the daytime! I’d rather talk to her about consent, make sure she feels safe and not pressured and has birth control if needed. DH seems to think I’m hopelessly lax as “it’s illegal” and it sounds like I’m encouraging it. I’m not delighted, but I’m also pragmatic.
Am I being foolish? DH has just said I’m prioritising my good relationship with DD over parenting her appropriately in this situation and it stings a little....

I'd be with DH on this...if you allow her stay over in his then should it not be reciprocated & he is made to feel welcome to stay overnight in yours...? And then what happens if they've broken up by the end of summer (or whenever) & when there is a new bf on the scene...at what point is she allowed stay over with the new bf & vice versa? It was because of this I said No & also had younger kids in house too at the time taking it all in. I didn't want to set a precedent at such a young age. So rules were def not whilst still in school. After that it was only longterm gf/bf & with permission ...TG they were mostly away in college & getting up to whatever in flats...it is cringeworthy when they start the fake yawning & pretending to be tired to get up the stairs! I agree that they'll do whatever they are going to do & you can have all the talks about being safe...but overnights are quite different I think. My kids think I am old fashioned & joke about it now...my son at 16 or so even argued about being respectful & did I think what could be done at night, couldn't be done in daylight. I actually was quite a young Mum (so I did know well!) & a single parent for a long time so I'm not all spouting hellfire & brimstone... but I was drawing the line at any possibility of a revolving door of bfs & gfs staying over......time enough for that next step when they are out of school. But maybe that's just me...

I wouldn't allow it.

Yeah, they'll be nearly 17 by the time they can all visit America. Wouldn't worry

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I agree with your DH too. Mine will not be having sleepovers with dates until 18 and are adults. It may be legal at 16 but they are still a child at that age.

But isn't this kind of stigmatising sex? Making it seem like something a bit wrong or dirty? You're essentially telling them to sneak sex in around parental strictures for quite a long time...

I survived 3 teen daughters. Talked about consent etc. I never allowed bfs to stay over at ours or them at theirs before 16. They may well have done under the guise of "sleeping at chloe's" but I never condoned it.

@BillyIsMyBunny

My worry would be that if she is staying overnight with no adults in the house, supervised only by her DB’s older siblings, is that it’s not just about the sex but that the overnights are likely to be mixed with alcohol, drugs, peer pressure from older teens who are also in the house seeing her DB’s siblings.

I had parties in my parent’s house at 19/20 when they were away and I definitely wouldn’t say they were suitable for a 15-year-old. How well do you know the BF’s siblings to be sure they will offer adequate supervision? If she goes over in the day but knows she’s coming home to you they might still choose to have sex but she’s less likely to be mixing sex with alcohol which could make her more likely to do things she doesn’t truly feel ready for.

If you’re going to start letting them have overnights I think doing it in a house with no adults is really risky; you’d be far better letting them take that first step when there are parents in the house which will probably make them hold back on doing anything unless they are definitely ready rather than moving forward too quickly because they feel the novelty of an empty house is time limited and so it’s a kind of ‘now or never’ situation.

Honestly this is a great point and I was so discombobulated I didn't think of it.
Indeed. The older siblings are lovely but who knows?
Is beginning to look a bit like I was being a bit foolish (not unreasonable though!!!)

I have a year 10 girl. There’s not even a remote possibility I would even start to consider overnights. I wouldn’t be happy them having second under 16 and would certainly not be allowing them to stay together. Have an 18 year old boy too who has had a girlfriend for 3 years. They have had 2 overnights, and both after they turned 18. I think it’s important to have some boundaries and for them to have a safe space, encouraging overnights, to me, pushes the relationship to a different level emotionally

I have a friend who works in teenage sexual health. The main focus she has is trying to get the girls she sees to delay each stage along the way, if she can.

As the saying goes 'one thing leads to another', so although it's a road we're all going to travel, starting off too soon can lead you too quickly to the final destination - or off on a variety of side roads you wouldn't have gone down with more mature thinking.

I think you should have a conversation with her about consent and contraception regardless of what you and DH decide. Do you know of his parents are going to have a similar conversation with him?

I've no idea what I would say (I have 3 boys under 5). I dont think I would be comfortable with them having their gf to stay with us away at that age. If we were home we could enforce sleeping in the spare room; I know this doesn't prevent them having sex.

I wouldn’t allow this for the reason that my parents did allow it (at 14 in my case). It was too much too soon. It did change the dynamic of the relationship and not for the better.

It’s like the parents are approving of sex before 16. It’s implied by allowing them to share a bed (you’d be naive to think otherwise). I’d rather wait those few months. If you have a good relationship with her, she’ll understand I’m sure.

I would have preferred my parents to make those difficult decisions and been more firm.

I agree with PP that staying overnight unsupervised takes the relationship to a totally different level. Especially with only older siblings around. I would try to avoid that before GCSEs, they can so easily get out of their depth.
I would question whether a relationship between 15yo of 1 year where at least half that time has been in lockdown is that well a developed relationship.
I wouldn't be encouraging a sexual relationship but would be signposting my child to where they can get contraception if needed and go with them if they wanted.

What do his parents think?

I am with your husband. Approving of her staying with her boyfriend overnight at the age of 15 is essentially providing consent for underage sex.

Oh my mum used to try that tactic with me, boyfriend can't stay over. At 16, hormones racing at the speed of light and we couldn't keep our hands off each other...we would just shag anywhere we could find, this included her shed, a golf course, an abandoned building. It was all very romantic...AND because my mum forbid it so much I never felt comfortable talking about or going and getting contraception so I ended up pregnant at 16.

I'm in your camp, when my daughter is old enough (14 - 16 because realistically it could happen any time between or after then) I will discuss in depth consent, how sex is a natural act and nothing to be ashamed about, that she can ask me any questions she wants about it and yes, contraception, contraception, contraception! As long as it's safe and consensual I really don't care if she has sex under my roof or not.

I work in Sexual Health btw and support young people who are sexually active.

Does your daughter know about STIs that are less effectively prevented by condoms such as herpes? Does she know that young age of first sex increases cervical cancer risk (although hopefully she's had her vaccination).

@Iwonder08 with or without consent they'll be doing it anyways. So better to be safe.

"I'm still not that fussed about her perhaps having sex a bit earlier than legal."

I'm quite surprised by this view if I'm honest.

I think it’s important to have some boundaries and for them to have a safe space, encouraging overnights, to me, pushes the relationship to a different level emotionally

This.

@catmandont

I have a friend who works in teenage sexual health. The main focus she has is trying to get the girls she sees to delay each stage along the way, if she can.

As the saying goes 'one thing leads to another', so although it's a road we're all going to travel, starting off too soon can lead you too quickly to the final destination - or off on a variety of side roads you wouldn't have gone down with more mature thinking.

Thanks for this. Very interesting.

Sorry I agree with your DH.
Allowing overnight stays at age 15 with a boyfriend is sanctioning underage sex.

You also said that when you were 15 you were having sex but did not have a healthy relationship with sex and consent. Have you thought maybe that your being under the age of consent might have been part of the reason why this happened to you? So why are you pushing your daughter down the same path at the same age you were?

I’d feel this way even if the parents were home to supervise. But they won’t be. So the overnight stays are under supervision of slightly older siblings. The likelihood of pressure being placed on your DD to consent to sex is increased a hundredfold by the absence of her boyfriends parents.

Also, if I were a parent of a boy of that age I most certainly wouldn't want a 15yo girl staying overnight under my roof

Dp and i started going out when i was 15 and pp are right, we had sex sleepovers or not. I slept over around 15/16 and my parents asked dp parents that we slept in different rooms. It worked for a while until dp just waited until his mum and dad fell asleep and came back in. Dps parents gave up after that

Dp and i started going out when i was 15 and pp are right, we had sex sleepovers or not.

Not allowing sleepovers isn't always about preventing them having sex. It's about the deeper emotional aspect it creates.

@Ginger1982

"I'm still not that fussed about her perhaps having sex a bit earlier than legal."

I'm quite surprised by this view if I'm honest.

Like most things it's context that's important. We'd be talking about an 18 month relationship and them being 6 weeks away from being 16. It's all hypothetical anyway. They're both quite shy according to DD so apparently things are progressing pretty slowly.... 😃

@conywarp

Dp and i started going out when i was 15 and pp are right, we had sex sleepovers or not.

Not allowing sleepovers isn't always about preventing them having sex. It's about the deeper emotional aspect it creates.

This is what I e taken away from this thread. It's Jess about them perhaps having sec a bit before16 and more about "how would we put the genie back in the bottle" if we allowed this?

I’m siding with your DH, I think a “living together” type relationship, even for short time, is too much at this age.