Disagreement with DH over DD staying with boyfriend

[laughinggasssing]

Disagreement with DH tonight over a possible future situation. Who’s BU?
DD has had a boyfriend for a year. They met right before first lockdown and obviously have had longish periods of not seeing each other, but always spoke every day, and are now meeting each other a lot more. She’s 15, year 10, Sept birthday. He’s 15, year 10, Oct birthday. Same school.
He seems very nice. He’s polite and she tells me he’s respectful and doesn’t pressure her to do things she’s not comfortable with. We’ve all met his parents and they’re lovely and his mum and I are on a similar wavelength about parenting. It’s all good.
His parents are American and when travel is allowed they really want to go and see family. Their plan is to go for 5 weeks in summer. Boyfriend and his older brother and sister (19 and 21) don’t want to stay for that long so the plan is that the three of them travel home after 3 weeks and boyfriend stays at home in England with older siblings for 2 weeks.

DD was chatting over dinner tonight and was very excited as she plans to spend lots of time there over the summer and apparently she will also be staying overnight. DH (usually very chilled chap) just told her no way and so now she’s sulking. Personally I feel they’d be a month or 2 away from 16, in a long and committed relationship and (crucially) if they’re going to have sex then they will and they’ll just have sex in the daytime! I’d rather talk to her about consent, make sure she feels safe and not pressured and has birth control if needed. DH seems to think I’m hopelessly lax as “it’s illegal” and it sounds like I’m encouraging it. I’m not delighted, but I’m also pragmatic.
Am I being foolish? DH has just said I’m prioritising my good relationship with DD over parenting her appropriately in this situation and it stings a little....

I would say no on the grounds that the "supervision" is by not very old siblings, leaving aside other grounds. The fact that your call
DH disagrees is also crucial here.

I'd feel the same as you. It's a committed and nice / loving relationship. They are the same age. And ultimately they'll be doing it anyway, if they want to.

But I also understand why usually chilled DH wants to feel like a boundary is still in place. 'No you can't stay the night at your boyfriends' seems like it's the line the concerned parent should say.. Maybe see how the situation is closer to the time.

I agree with your DH too.

15 is too young for a sleepover with a boyfriend/girlfriend.
It's not about preventing them having sex it's about a) reinforcing the message that they are underage and b) not letting them jump forward to a stage in a relationship that they aren't ready for
In your position I'd probably consider stays after age 16 if they are still together but absolutely not before.

Just because they will be having sec if they want to have sec doesn’t mean you should give up all sense of supervision.

Letting her stay overnight without parents also ramps up the relationship ii to a level of cohabitation that just is not age appropriate . At this age you want things to stay casual, even if they are physically intimate. Play acting at domesticity is not a good idea.

I’m finding this thread really interesting, I started with your OP on the same page as you, but as I’ve thought about various points, I’m not sure. I had a similar sounding early sexual experiences to you, and now I think about it, was when my boyfriend was able to stay when my mum was out working night shift.

At the time I believed I wanted to but looking back, mainly wanted to feel loved and was so swept up by his wishes and my lack of maturity to know what I even wanted. This may not be the case for your DD but it does up the stakes a bit by having an overnight in this way. But I share your pragmatism too, that there’s a good chance it’ll happen in another way. Definitely consent and contraception conversation sounds important, soon.

I would talk to your dd tomorrow on your own ask her does she feel ready for this big step is this her first serious bf.
Ask her to invite him to stay at your a few times before hand.
Parties in summer can start early so it's just not at night time drugs drink could be about.
I would tell them you would rather they where at yours when parents are away.
My dd1 17 and bf 17 stay at each others houses on Saturday night but parents are always there at bed time.
They do sleep together but they are 2 years older than your dd they will be 18 in July.
My dd has had other bfs from 15 but never had others at house.

TBH my son was 15 and his girlfriend was 16 ..I definitely made all the right noises and insisted that girlfriend slept in a separate room...but after we went to bed I would have been shocked if they didn’t then get together..it’s actually normal behaviour.

The thing is at that age, if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend who you like you might think that sex is the natural progression. I was a little bit older than your daughter when I first slept with my perfectly nice serious boyfriend but when I look back it was probably a good few years after that I discovered what real attraction is.
It just made me feel a bit .. don't know what the word is. It was consensual but it really was too soon. They say your first time can be awkward but should it be? I had relationships after in which I was equally unskilled but it was amazing and I feel sorry that I didn't have that with him. Nice boyfriend? Check. Dating for a while? Check. Consensual? Check. Then naturally sex MUST follow. So no I wouldn't encourage it. I thought I was ready but I had no idea what lust and sexual attraction really felt like. Why would I? I had no benchmark. So taking it really slowly might not be the best indicator.
I just thought that's what you did

Looking at your post where you've said they are both quite shy and your DD says things are progressing slowly. In this context I would agree with others that the sanctioned sleepovers might make either your DD or her BF feel pressurised into a step they are not ready for.

Also I don't think I would feel happy with the idea of a 15 year old girl overnight in a house with her BF's older siblings. Who knows what complications could happen, eg are they sensible or likely to have parties, alcohol, drugs etc

It’s a tough call, bit I agree with your DH, having had this situation with 15 year old DD - now adult - she’s wasn’t mature enough for the eventual fall out and split, based mainly in the fact things had been more ‘adult’ in staying over (with parents there) and I should imagine a few times ‘at friends’ that o didn’t know about. It was almost worse because they had spent the night and it wasn’t a quick fumble without the awkward morning to follow.

I wouldnt allow it either as shes only 15. I'd allow it at age 18.

I wouldn't allow it at 15.

I will obviously talk to his mum when the time is closer and hopefully we can agree something of a united front

This doesn't sit right with me. I don't think you should be discussing this aspect of your daughter's life with her. I'd be telling my DD she wasn't to stay at the boy's house, doesn't matter what his mum thinks. She might be Cool Mum and think its fine for them to be having sex at 15.

And remember 16 is the youngest age you're allowed to have intercourse - its not a target. Oh I'm 16, I'll have sex now, tick that off my bucket list!

Both you and your dh have fair points, but id much rather the bf stayed at mine so she was safe and had some control over the situation.
I think asking her to come home at night gives her a get out clause that she might want/need

I would not allow overnights in the house with no adults present at that age, so am with your dh.

I think you can simultaneously send the message that sex isn't bad or weird and say no to sleepovers. This isn't an either-or situation.

I'm with your DH.

My view is that if they arent ready for sex (regardless of almost 16/only 15 etc) then an overnight stay might push it there as they feel they have to. Daytime visits mean if they want to they will and if not then they won't. There isn't the added pressure of lying together, possibly in a single bed, so extremely close and feeling the others person's every movement.

Personally I would have been scared shitless at 15 to have sex and waited until I was 17 in a committed relationship before doing so. But perhaps your Dd and her bf are already having sex and are fine with it. Maybe have that discussion with your Dd before making a decision.

At 15 I would not be facilitating them to have sleep overs and leading to sex more than likely. A big no from me and I am with your dh.

Parent of 3DS so been through this. We didn’t allow it with gf while under 18 and not steady relationship. Concerns were

1. Younger siblings in the house . Didn’t want to set a precedent ie it’s normal practice for gf to stay over so 14 year old accepts it as normal practice.
2. If you agree it for a steady gf what happens next time? What counts? 6 months? 6 weeks? A one night stand? Slippery slope potentially……..
3. Although they may well be having sex, didn’t want to make it any easier than necessary as it acted as a brake on any relationships that we weren’t too happy about. (Would never say that last bit to DC but it was true!) Obviously did have conversations about sex and emotional involvement etc. One friend who let her DD bf stay overnight - because she’d rather they did it somewhere safe - ended up as a grandma. So it doesn’t always work out for the best that way either.

@alexdgr8

i agree with your husband. it isn't appropriate, esp in a house where there are no parents in charge. it is for a later stage of life, not 15. they would be playing at being grown-ups, and things can go wrong. they are still very young and need careful guidance, whether they accept that or not. in fact it is part of being so young that they cannot see that.

Same here.^

I would have been the same as you OP until my close friend's son entered into a relationship and they allowed her to stay and to be frank, the whole thing has turned into a very co-dependent thing as both were too immature to manage their feelings after they began to have sex at 15.

They're still together but it's quite toxic...one of them is always upset with the other seeing friends etc.

The thing with an overnight stays without parents is its basically saying 'go for it have sex'

Its telling your DD almost that she should be having sex with her bf, even her mum and dad expect her to, and actually at 15 she might not be ready at all. They still have a safe space to have sex if they chose during the day but its not fully condoned - the pressure of being along in the house at night. She is only 15, which is still pretty young to be having sex.

Is she on birth control?