Dd Chapel of rest

[Namechangenumber2000]

Dd is 11, 12 in November. has adhd and possible autism. She's a young 11. Shes in mainstream school and is year head. My dad died and she's been asking to go see him before they bury him. She was very close to him. She heard the paramedics trying cpr. I asked why and she said just to see him. She really wants to. I cant decide. Could it bring her some closure of makes things worse?

Aibu to say no?

NRFT or a single reply but wanted to share....

My grandma died when I was 11. I wanted to go and see her and it was because I was a bit morbid and death is so removed from general society that, for me (and particularly children) I almost wanted to go to the parlour of repose to show how ‘grown up’ I was. Almost to impress my parents because I was so ‘mature’!

I got there and the undertaker walked us to the room and I seen the coffin and a body (wasn’t identifiable as my grandma) and seen the yellow bits on her nails and............. fucking shit myself!!!!

I was so young, only 11 and in British culture it’s not the norm to see dead bodies. I thought I was so grown up but I shit myself and acted like the child I was and ran back to reception and almost out the door.

The undertaker stayed with a terrified me, until my dad and adult brother viewed the deceased. I couldn’t get out the room fast enough.

Now i don’t have autism OP, I’m neurotypical so I don’t know whether autism would make an 11 year old act less childish than I did or more so?....

I will add my parents were religious and I was brought up as a catholic. I’m early 40’s and I absolutely don’t practice religion and I’m very much an atheist.

I do wonder if the brainwashing I received about spirits and ghosts altered my perceptions of death and ‘life after’. In fact, I don’t wonder, I absolutely know that’s what made me terrified. I thought my grandmas spirt was going to bust me and I was scared!

I think if I was brought up non religious and taught that upon death a body is simply a slab of meat with no spirit etc much in the same was as when you go to the butchers and don’t see the dead bodies of animals, anything more than a meal, then I don’t think I would have been frightened really.

I also felt like I was going to pass out at her funeral but again, I believe now, it’s because I was frightened of getting spooked by ghosts....

My daughter was 5 when her grandad died. The grandchildren were young so none of them went to the funeral. We got back and DD had a temp and was unwell. Much later we discovered she thought grandad had turned into a skeleton on view at the funeral. This obviously distressed her but we had no idea. Sometimes when we protect children we’re actually leaving them with their imaginations which can be worse.

On the other hand I saw my mum twice after she died. First time, she died abroad and I travelled out to sort things out. She looked lovely and like herself. Later I took my father to see her. It was a couple of weeks later and her appearance had changed dramatically. It’s still one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.

I’d definitely recommend consider letting your daughter see her grandad but I echo another pp and strongly suggest you check what he looks like first. I’m so sorry for your loss.

To make it clear please you see him first. After a post mortem the body can look very different

I dont think i would. Im 35 and have never seen a dead body. I dont think its necessary and will leave you with a haunting image. Just tell her its not possible.

So sorry for your loss OP. And a really hard decision.

All I would say is if you do go ahead, prepare your daughter that he will look more like a waxwork, and any wrinkles will be gone. I found that a big shock.

Also, PPs are right in terms of how “nice” your dad will look I went to see a very close relative with no make up or anything and tbh, years later, I still think it was awful. She just looked like a corpse of someone else. I had to go, but it wasn’t pleasant.

On the other hand my grandma looked beautiful, and really at peace.

I’m sorry to speak so plainly, I know it’s emotional when it’s your family. I just wanted to be honest.

On balance I don’t think I’d let my DD14 go to be honest.

@Oneweekleft

I dont think i would. Im 35 and have never seen a dead body. I dont think its necessary and will leave you with a haunting image. Just tell her its not possible.

I also agree with this. See my other post (a few posts above about my grandmother)

My mam died when I was barely an adult and I decided not to see her dead body.

I understand it brings comfort to some adults but I’d question what comfort it would bring to an 11 year old child with ASD. I don’t think it something a child needs to see OP and from experience I’d not allow my almost 13 year old who is older than than their years academic to view a dead body. Remember them as they were...

My DH and SIL were with FIL when he died. SIL was quite traumatised and wanted to see FIL laying in rest as a better final memory. Although SIL was an adult, it seems like this might be similar for your DD?

Sorry for your loss

I was much younger when I went to see my grandad but it really affected me negatively. Have been through it twice since with my uncle and nanna and regretted it so much that I didn’t go and see my mum when she died (although I was there when she died so that was enough).

Nothing can really prepare you for how different someone looks in death. I wouldn’t say it will look like he’s sleeping because IME it really doesn’t look like a person sleeping at all - all of the people I’ve seen in death look completely and totally different to when they were alive.

I would be open with her and say you’re worried that she might find it upsetting and have bad memories of it later, but ultimately it’s her choice. I wish someone had warned me how upsetting it can be.

I thought I should see my Dad and as soon as I saw him, my body just jumped as though I'd been electrocuted and I turned around and came straight out.

Definitely not for me. I have had to try and block out the image but it is still fresh 6 years later.

I was with my mother when she died (age 99), but still went to the Chapel of Rest to view her about 3 weeks later (even had a weeks pre-booked holiday, between death and visiting).
To me it was fine. In fact, I think seeing her the week before she died was worse.
Three weeks later, she just looked like a body. Can't say I was really affected by it, but as I said, more how she was the week before she died, and in fact the few years before she died, were pretty awful.
I think you have to make a judgement based on your knowledge of your own child.

@ifyougetthechancedoit

Sorry for your loss

God yes, it's getting lost in all this wrangling; op has lost her father. So sorry, op.

Thank you. Lots to think about. Mum and my brother are going to see him do I'll see what they say about how he looks. Dd is quite morbid/fascinated about death. Talks about it alot.

Not all bodies are the same and larger people often don't far well.

Why not see the body yourself alone first and then decide.

My personal choice is no but I know some feel it helps them.

I would also add, without wanting to single anyone out, that I assume you DF want particularly old, given your DD is only )11. I’m sorry for your loss OP)

So I’d also add that I think this could make a difference. If we’re talking anoint viewing a 95 year old, I’m sorry but I do t think that’s the same as viewing say a 65 year old. I assume your dad is nearer to 65 so will still potentially be youthful looking.

Just something to consider OP x

wasn’t

Sending condolences for your loss OP. My kids (then 5 and 12) saw my Dad in the minutes after he died (and they saw him in the days/hours before he died). They both wanted to go into the room and see him afterwards. My youngest had made a load of loom band bracelets (which she put on him) and drawings which she insisted stayed with him. Both my DC are NT and it didn’t phase them. They were upset that he died, but I think because I work on an acute ward (and prior to covid, they were very used to coming to that ward with me when I’ve needed to pick things up etc), we’ve talked a lot about illness, death etc so they view it as quite a normal part of life.

If it’s something that your daughter wants to do then I think let her do it, but be guided by the funeral directors. I think it’s lovely that she wants to give him a paper xx

It could be quite unpleasant for her if your dad's remains have deteriorated, as other people have said. I grew up with open coffin funerals as a normal thing and 90% of the time, it just looked as though the deceased was asleep. If this is the case then I'd say great but can't be guaranteed...
Hope you're both ok OP xxxx hugs xx

Check what he looks like first. I’ve seen many dead bodies and there’s definitely a sweet spot. I particularly enjoy people who’ve had a ‘hard’ death and the next day just look so wonderful and could no merely at peace, it’s a blessing. I would encourage anyone to view and believe it helps the grieving process.

There’s a point where they turn though where natural decomposition does odd things to structures and then they just don’t look like themselves and seeing them can be worse than not.

I’ve never seen an embalmed body i was fond of. They look odd and most definitely not themselves, waxy and weird and the make-up tends to sit oddly.

Long of the short. Have a look yourself first or speak to someone else and if they look fine I’d completely encourage your DD to view. It will assist her.

Not sure if this helps but I saw my dad after he died, just turned 13 at the time, so not far off in age.
My choice, don't think my mum was 100% keen but she supported that part of my grieving process. It was a very surreal and odd experience personally, I don't think I really grasped what was going on and was obviously naive. However, I was glad I did it then, glad I did it now.

I didn't have any experience of death prior to that and was very much unprepared for the viewing process. A step by step for the viewing may be helpful, what they may look like, will be wearing, the temperature of the room for example. I wish I had known all those things before as it was sensory overload for me and they are the things I still remember now.

Really sorry for your loss

Could no merely = completely

Dad was 70 and boy did he not look it. No one belived me when I told them how old he was. He wasn't over weight either. Had hardly any wrinkles and no grey hair. Lucky him.

I'd advise against it. When I was younger I was encouraged to see two relatives in a chapel of rest and found it very upsetting.
Neither looked like they were sleeping.
Facial features can change drastically, especially if the poor person has been ill for a long time and is elderly on top of it.
She could get nightmares.

If she insists, then is it possible you could go and see him first?
You will be able to see whether the undertaker has done a good job or not. You can make a judgement call on whether to take her.

Sorry for your loss.

No. Personally I think this is a very bad idea. But everyone has their own thoughts on this.

@Laura280706

Have you been already? I wouldn't take her, when I went to see my dad his face was stuck in a really strange expression. He was so cold just not right it was quite traumatic for both me and my brother. I have older DCs and would definitely not have wanted them with me.

When I was a child my mother rook me to see my uncle, his eyes had sunk in which is common apparently and his mouth had set in a strange shape. I had nightmares for years afterwards. It was a shame, as he was a lovely person and would have been mortified if he'd known he was the cause of such distress.