DH wants to spend £4000

[amblers]

DH works, I'm a stay at home mom. Last month we sat and looked through the accounts etc and apparently I need to get a job to cover the weekly shopping. I've found a temporary part time job but will be looking for more hours.

Today DH insists he needs to replace something he uses for a hobby (cost £800) with a more expensive £4000 version! Apparently it's fine as it's a one off cost and he earned the money to pay for it. He recently spent £2k straightening his teeth but didn't discuss that with me. He feels entitled to spend 'our' savings as he wants. He points out that he acknowledges legally yes half of the money is mine but doesn't agree with it as I didn't earn it. AIBU to think this is a waste of 'our' money and that I should have a say about how it's spent? Nobody goes without, we live comfortably but I'm always reminded of the struggle it's been on one wage. It does feel he changes his mind about our finances to fit him. He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like. It's all feeling very reckless and childish. We are having relationship issues and part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

I recommend you become financially independent by getting a full time job and requiring him to share in child/home care equally. That would change the dynamic of the relationship and it may then be perfectly possible that things work much better. Financial abuse is a very triggering term and I'm not sure I would use it here, but he does seem to see himself as more deserving of treats than you.

But you've got £50k in savings, and the £4k item will pray retain some or all of its value.

With interest rates at 0% I can see why he wants to spend on a physical item.

The demand to spend 4K on a hobby item is one thing but not providing for his family and expecting you to use an inheritance is abuse.
What did you use to pay for shopping before you received the inheritance?
What ages are the children?

Take the £4000 and get some clothes and shoes for job interviews and a work wardrobe, use some on childcare if needed when you get a job, then if you decide to leave you'll have a job and childcare in place beforehand.

@MyGorramShip

Take the 4K and put it into a new account that he can’t access.

Phone Women’s Aid.

How old are the DC?

I’d advise using the 4K to move into a rental property whilst you divorce this cunt.

This.

He's controlling and purposely horrible - and that's before we know about what other abuse he's been meting out.

He's the sole earner but won't pay for things. What sort of person does that make him.

Assuming your DC are secondary age I'd definitely get a job, any job for now, and move out.

Sorry, what? He's spent money on dentistry and op needs to withdraw the same amount to make it fair?!

I can't believe this is anything but goady.

He spent £2k on COSMETIC dentistry while OP is struggling to make ends meet and having to spend her small inheritance to pay for food for her DC.

And this thread is yet another example why being a SAHM/working for a pin money job is a bad idea. You become dependent on a man, they can buy the expensive £4000 bike they want (let's face it, it's a bike), but will moan if you buy a new top.

Get a FT job OP.

I'm a sahm, my husband works. We both have to discuss big purchases. We always make it fair, if he makes a big purchase then I get to do the same too.

Is anyone else getting seriously fed up of the downright nasty posts about SAHM’s on her recently. Earning a wage is not the only contribution people can make to a family!

Op I would definitely take the £4K and put it in an account in your name, I understand what you say about it all becoming marital assets anyway but divorce can be a lengthy process, having some cash to your name could be helpful to say the least in the meantime!

He doesn’t see you as a team
Doesn’t respect you
Take some steps to speak to a solicitor and start the divorce

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

His money was earned on the back of you working for free at home

Not really. I earn my salary because I do the job. DH doesn’t earn it for me. The DH could easily have paid for childcare given he can replace the savings so quickly and one child who isn’t pre school doesn’t cost that much in childcare.

Well all her children were pre-school once. His earning potential would have significantly benefited from not taking time out for maternity/paternity leave in the very early days, not taking time off for illnesses, appointments, nursery closures, school holiday time (when older). The cost of putting 3 children through childcare across their childhoods is quite significant. Also, I know in many cases, the earning spouse is able to take promotions in different regions because the SAHP can support that (plus keep continuity of childcare) without having to give up their job and begin again. That's just looking at the career benefits to the earning spouse when one stays at home. Presumably, when she's not providing childcare, or the children are older, he's coming home to dinner and a much smaller second shift of housework so has more leisure time than if they both worked.

@Viviennemary

I don't know what your issue is. You haven't earned any of this money. He has spent money on himself and has also offered you £4k to spend.

Let's just spell it out.

The OP and her husband are married - they entered into a legal contract which made them a unit, financially. What he earns is needed to support his wife and his children as well as himself. If she was earning, her money would also go into the pot. Once they've covered all bills, they can decide how much to keep for their own spending/saving. But bills come first.

The OP and her husband have children. This didn't just happen, presumably they made a choice to have them - his choice as well as hers. These children have needed looking after as they have grown up. There are only two ways of doing this. One is for a family member to do it, but while they are looking after young children they can't also be doing paid work. The other way is to pay somebody else to do it. The OP and her husband went for the first approach. This has saved them a great deal in childcare costs, but at the expense of her own earning abilities and future pension provision.

If they split up (which I very much hope, for the sake of the OP's and her children's sakes, that they do, and soon) the OP would be entitled to a substantial share of her husband's assets, including pension provision, in recognition of the fact that he's been able to concentrate on work for the last few years while she took care of everything at home.

It amazes me that even in 2021 some people can't see this for themselves.

There is 50k on savings, that's not a small amount. Its 6k overall if you took the 6k which is offered there is still 38k. What is it achieving just sitting there?

Presumably OH is paying mortgage and all bills, I think asking you to pay for food is hardly unreasonable. If all his earnings are family than inheritance should be equal to.

To all those who keep saying it's a bike, it's not a bike! Read the OP's posts.

Christ on a 4k racing bike.

This is a really painful read.

If you are a partnership and decided together that he would work and you would stay home to run the house side, then all money is shared. It may be that you could now get a job to help and it seems like you've done that.

If you have £50k in savings, I'm not sure £4K for his hobby is THAT ridiculous if I'm honest? But it should be agreed by both of you and I agree you should take £4K for yourself.

But other than that, he sounds like an unpleasant arse to put it likely and you should get the F out of there.

@Pebbledashery

In the nicest possible way, he doesn't not sound like a husband that respects you.

This. And straightening his teeth? Sounds like a mid- life crisis to me. Watch out!

@MrsWhites

Is anyone else getting seriously fed up of the downright nasty posts about SAHM’s on her recently. Earning a wage is not the only contribution people can make to a family!

Op I would definitely take the £4K and put it in an account in your name, I understand what you say about it all becoming marital assets anyway but divorce can be a lengthy process, having some cash to your name could be helpful to say the least in the meantime!

Yes @MrsWhites !

He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like.
Put it in your account and every time he helps himself to savings, you match it and do the same.

I did 23 years living like this, if he wanted it, he had it and in the meantime we got our clothes from charity shops. He was abusive in other ways too. Eventually he was arrested. It was bloody hard at first but down the line, it’s amazing. Be strong and get away.

Some of these responses are so unsupportive. OP does contribute, contributing to the family doesn't always mean working out of the home. She's made it clear that whilst she's found temporary work he's saying she needs to work but making it hard for her to do so. It's all part of the pattern of control. She's being abused and controlled but some posters on here are blaming her simply due to vitrol towards sahms.

OP you sound miserable and he sounds awful. I would use this time to get ducks in a row. Copies of bank statements, work out what financial help you might be entitled to if you split. Maybe take the 4k and spend some of it on a chat with a solicitor. Document his abuse, and make an escape plan. I hope you are ok.

If you took the £4k and put into an account in your own name if you split up it will still be seen as a marital asset and put into melting pot. Take the £4 and give to your Mum or Sister as a 'gift'. If you split up they may want to 'gift' you back the £4k. If he is having teeth straightened at same time as suggesting you get a job he could have found someone else and be planning on leaving you. Ask for £2 k for teeth straightened money for yourself too. Gift that to your sister or Mum too.

@rwalker

Why wouldn't you want to work and contrubute

Sod off, she IS working and contributing, she looks after the kids and the household. Crap remarks like this that continue the rubbish and wrong attitude to women and sahp.

Take your share , get a house set up for you and your kids and get out . You shouldnt have to live like this , you deserve to be happy and treated as an equal . I know its easy looking in especially after only reading a few lines on the internet but what you say if i had wrote this .

Exactly this

There’s more to this than money obviously.

Women starting up in relationships- read this thread - It might work out cheaper/ be more convenient re. Childcare etc to be a SAHM but don’t do it. Keep your career and your independence.

I have always worked and contributed 50/50 to everything. The money goes into a joint account and what’s left over at the end of the month is spent.
We don’t control each other financially.