Children’s hunger ruining my life

[Hungryhippos123]

NC as I’ve spoken to lots of friends and family about this.

I have two lovely DC 6 and 3. They are both happy lovely children but in the overweight category and have HUGE appetites and this is literally ruining my life. It sounds dramatic but it takes over every day. I’m a physio and my husband runs a business but is an ex-PT. we are both healthy, slim, eat well, exercise. Both kids were normal birthweight, EBF but 99th centile by 6 months and have stayed there since.

I spend huge amounts of time ensuring they have a healthy balanced diet. They eat well, cooking from scratch, loads of veg, enough protein to fill them (in theory). But they are always always hungry. We tried portion control at the recommendation of an nhs dietician for 3 months solid and gave small portions but they cried constantly (every waking moment, didn’t adjust to the new portions, waking in the night hungry etc. We now do the Ellyn Satter method where we have set meal and snack times but they eat their fill of healthy food. But still between these times they constantly moan they are hungry. Now the eldest can tell the time she counts down to the snack and meal times.

Days out are ruined by them wanting the picnic or lunch but 10:30am. When we are with friends I get so embarrassed by the constant requests for food especially as they are overweight. At parties/buffets they want to eat constantly. I allow them the odd ice cream/biscuit/treat and let them to wild at parties as don’t want the single them out and Also don’t want to demonise any food and make it super exciting.

I sought help from my HVs, GPs and dieticians for years. Advice ranges between they are obese you’re a terrible mother stop feeding them rubbish (I wasn’t!), ensure they have correct portions however hungry they are (everyone was miserable), that’s just they way they are (just accept they will be obese?!). They’ve both been tested for thyroid issues/health problems but all clear. They have no other indications of a health issue, no SEN etc.

I speak to family and friends but because they don’t look obese or even overweight as they’re v heavy but strong and muscular they tell me not to worry. Or tell me I’m lucky to have good eaters and try having a fussy/low centile child. I’m so worried about the impact on their lives especially when They’re old enough to buy food or move out as I’m sure they will balloon. I go to sleep hoping they will snap out of this food obsession. I’ve looked into hypnosis etc but they don’t do that for children.

We encourage healthy diet, theyre v active walking, swimming, park lots etc. I never talk about weight, never call them greedy never say fat. We just talk about healthy choices and waiting for meal and snack not grazing.

Honestly I’m at the end of my tether. I’m close to tears every day and cry often when they’re in bed as I worry so much about it. I’m embarrassed, worried for the future and exhausted by the constant effort to stop them eating or whinging. When I’m really bad we have no rule days where I let them eat whatever all day (maybe 3 x a year). They’re so happy, well behaved, calm, chilled on those days. They eat loads but I still generally offer healthy things so it’s not a junk free for all. Part of me thinks screw it ill do this every day as it makes life 100000 x easier and we are happy but realistically I can’t.

Anyone had similar? Please be kind I’m so worried upset and am acutely aware of the risks of obesity in childhood so I don’t need to be told this more.

You may actually be the person who has biggest issue with food in your house.
"Honestly I’m at the end of my tether. I’m close to tears every day and cry often when they’re in bed as I worry so much about it."
It would really help you to go therapy and talk about why this is so upsetting for you. Do you feel very anxious around food?
Do you prefer cooking for people but don't enjoy eating in front of others? Do you think about food a lot yourself, like planning meals and worrying about if different foods are 'good' or 'bad'?
Look at your extended family. Is your mother very critical about appearances or comparisons with others?
Food can be tightly bound up instinctively with nurturing from the mother, therefore the mother cannot say 'No' to a child begging for food.
Then on the other hand you are worried what people will think when they see your child is overweight.
So the mother ends up in the position of both loving (and feeding) yet hating (and wanting to stop feeding) the child at the same time.

Mummy anxious. Kid asks for food. Mummy anxious but doesn't want to say 'No' so says OK here have this so. Kid eats food feels better. Mummy feels better because kid goes off and stops hassling her.
She relaxes when the 'fight' inside her is over and she gives in. Then it starts again in an hour.
I say 'hassle' but I mean that very gently because being a mother is so, so difficult and the responsibility for other people's health is such a weight sometimes.
Food may feel as if it has become a 'feelings management system'.
I'm not saying this is how you are, because I don't know you but if you can find a therapist and discuss this issue, at least you could make yourself a bit happier, feel emotionally supported and then the food issues with your kids would be easier to deal with.

Also, from their diet are they predominantly veggie meals with just occasional fish finger?

If veggie, meals still need to have protein. Beans, eggs, nut butters, tofu, cheese, Greek yogurt.

@SeaTurtles92

Also out of curiosity, have you ever had an ED or issues with food?

My thoughts entirely. OP, I mean this kindly, but it is you with the problem about food, not them. They have found this is a stick to beat you with. If they do not look overweight and are muscly and strong what’s the issue? You fretting. That’s what. Children are always hungry. A snack at 10.30 is normal. At 6 my DGD wanted 3 breakfasts. At 14 she’s skinny as a rake. Eats well. Just natural. Relax. Stop fretting. Give them healthy filling snacks. Apple and a glass of water is filling. Protein, complex carbs. As CS long as they’re not grazing on sugar all day, they’ll be fine.

My three year old is 99th for weight (and like 95th for height? Very close) and is technically “overweight” but looks like a normal, healthy kid. I worry a bit internally but my if I’m honest with myself my 7 year old eats just as much or more (proportionally) and is a beanpole, always has been, so I let it go. She’s healthy and happy, very active, and will probably thin out as she grows. We are all active and average weight.

We offer offer fruit bowl between meals. It’s sitting at a height they can reach and they are always welcome to it. Sometimes I feel like they eat me out if house and home, but really it’s not like they empty it every day. If they want to eat between meals for don’t want to something in the fruit/veg bowl, I tell them if you were really hungry you would eat a banana (or apple or orange or berries, cucumber, carrot, you get the idea...) and it’s generally not stressful. Other than my astronomical grocery bill. I’d let them have at it and see if, with unlimited healthy food, they really never stop.

Honestly, if they are eating just what you say it’s pretty impossible for them to be fat. So either they are eating rubbish you haven’t listed, drinking rubbish, get no exercise at all or they have a medical condition.

One of my children would eat all day if she could, usually when he is bored. She takes after me. Youngest isn’t bothered by food. But at the weekends we are always busy, clubs, walks, craft activities. If we have a day doing nothing it’s constant I’m hungry. I brush it off saying it’s snack time after..... whatever. No negotiation, no discussion. That’s just how it is.

@Horehound the example of ribs is because its one of the 'indicators' - and I don't just mean you can't see her ribs, she has a pretty massive belly! and some rolls under her neck. Unlike the OPs children, as well as being overweight by centile, I think she actually does look it as well.

Dietitian and GP have both said they're not worried, because she's eating healthy food and is still young, but they've also said it would be better if portions were smaller if possible. I worry because they're not. Unlike the OP, I tried restricting portions for a v short period of time, and couldn't bring myself to leave her hungry/constantly asking for food. I thought maybe she'd readjust, and she'd just grown used to overly large portions, but after about a week she didn't so we went back to feeding her more food, trying to stick roughly to meal and snack times but I do give in and have an extra snack if needed, just draw the line at constant grazing.

But I do worry when I see her with her peers and think she looks so much bigger, and I worry when I see articles talking about the huge future issue with toddlers who are obese - the problem is they all tend to act as though toddlers are only obese because they're being force fed mcdonalds and coke, and when you actually ask for advise when you're eating healthy food there's little there.

In our case, DD eats a bit more than is described by the OP. Breakfast - porridge and berries, oat milk, a banana. morning snack - fruit, crackers and hummus. Lunch - mackerel, bread, carrot, broccoli. Possibly with something afterwards if requested. Afternoon snack - rice cake and peanut butter, mandarin. Dinner - whatever we're having - using v veg and lentil heavy as well as carb, so maybe a veggie curry with beans, aubergine, cheese, and rice, followed by a yoghurt/kiwi fruit, something like that. None of these are small portions. Sometimes its ok, sometimes she still constantly asks for more food. And when your 2 1/2 year old has eaten about as much food as you, and is asking for more, it is something that worries you.

Honestly your kids will grow up with food and body issues, there are active kids so you need to fuel the little body's for it

Why don't you try porridge for breakfast with a banana in it, maybe fruit as a snack

Maybe a sausage and mash with veg for lunch

Fruit I afternoon

Then maybe a lean meat with pasta and veggies

How much milk do you give them?

My kids are the same, I stopped buying snack food and just bought exactly what I need to make meals plus fruit. I might buy chocolate as a treat for the weekend or some popcorn for movie night. If they are hungry between meals they can’t eat fruit or dd will chose a raw carrot.

I get what you mean about going out and wanting to eat the picnic early. My dc seem to be continuously looking for food sources when we go out and there is often food everywhere, days out seem to be planned around ‘what we are giving for lunch’ and ‘when are we eating’, it’s a nightmare and I often feel I have to bribe them with food to do anything.

If they are not eating lots of junk let them eat until they are full. Not all kids are the same. They may be athletic builds and need more energy than most to grow - they might turn out very tall and strong. Everyone shouldn’t be average. If you and your husband aren’t fat they will likely steady their intake as they grow older.

It sounds like the HV comments have triggered worry in you perhaps relating to your upbring and your Dsis eating disorder and your parents comments at the time.

I'd try Kerfir and probiotics - as well if there are digestive issues might help - and try and focus more on activity - are they swimming, sign them up for football etc.

Also you need a way of delaing with nagging for food - watches we eat at such and such time - or none-food distractions.

DS can be like that if he knows there's food he wants it even if not hungry - FIL was a bloody pain making point of buying food and then not having it and then complaining DS behavior was deteriorating- tends to be with sweet foods as well which was a concern - but he's not overweight and it's less an issue as he'd got older and has more self restraint.

How overweight are these children?

It’s hard to know, without knowing how tall/fat they are. Lots of kids that age are a bit round (cute) before they shoot up.

My kids were “overweight” age 2-5, according to the NHS method but really it was silly as DH and I are both from tall families (broad shoulders/hips etc as well) and my kids were never really fat IMO. They just did not fit the “stats” if that makes sense. I am very dubious about BMI for young kids...

I used common sense and kept feeding them as per my “normal”: 4 meals a day (or 3 meals and 1 snack), never limiting the actual amount they ate. Just the quality.

We (and they) function best on lots of slow-release carbs like porridge, whole meal bread, potatoes, rice etc.

They both slimmed out massively and are now (the MN cliche ... ) tall and lanky teens. Both very slim. Both 6ft3

I hope you can relax about their eating and let them eat to appetite. Three meals + 1 snack a day or 4 meals (school lunches are tiny, and early, so mine always had a ham or cheese sandwich after school, then dinner at 6:30)

If there is no medical issue, like Prader Willi , they should just be allowed to eat. For dinner, I’d give my DC at that age 1 sausage + as much mash and vegetables as they want.

Hope you figure it out. This is no way to live!

@Hungryhippos123. Tell me what you eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, including snacks??

I started crossfit and I was consently hunger even now after a very tough work out I can eat and eat

My toddler is classed as overweight but she does tons and never stops while someone we know os classed as healthy but eats junk so which is better the junk eater with lower bmi or 1 who eats health and is active with a higher bmi

I'm muscular build and I'd never ever get to the right bmi

Start following your own instincts and try to enjoy them as children.
This is negatively impacting all your lives.

Relax and allow unlimited access to healthy snacks.

Both my children were chubby at that age. My son used to eat any biscuits children had put down for a second at toddler group
They're both now very tall skinny teenagers.

My hv told me as a rule of thumb, if the parents eat healthily and are normal weight, then the children will be too.

A big hug from me. You're clearly unhappy and not enjoying parenting right now. Please relax and enjoy your lovely children

I cannot see the problem here really. The children sound fine. Why are you "embarrassed" by them asking for food if they don't even look overweight? If them pestering you for food between meals drives you crazy, feed them more at mealtimes (sounds like they eat a lot less than the healthy active 6yos I know) and have a star chart for not asking at other times!

@CuriousaboutSamphire

I speak to family and friends but because they don’t look obese or even overweight as they’re v heavy but strong and muscular they tell me not to worry. And one does gymnastics. You and DH are well versed in exercise/nutrition and have expectations based on tables, charts etc.

Basically STOP! Your kids are, as you have already pointed out, muscly not fat. They exercise a lot and are happy, active kids.

Put the height/weight, percentiles and every other chart you have in the bin!

YOU are making this a problem, Stop before you cause your kids a lifetime issue.

If you believe one new thing today make it that the height /weight charts, no matter where you get them from are fatally flawed, useless with kids and are only ever used as a guideline.

If you want a second ask your exPT OH - muscle vs fat and the comparative weight/size.

But most of all tell those GPs and HVs that your kids are not overweight, they are fit active kids with a greater body% of muscle than the average kid and you won't be starving them to meet some out of date, one size fits all table!

And then let our kids appetite guide you!

You don’t need to use charts to see if a child is fat. My youngest, you can see every rib, he is pure muscle, never stops moving and is 47th percentile. My daughter, you can see her ribs just about but I am conscious that she is going to have to keep on top of it. Some kids put weight on more easily than others just like some adults do. And yes it’s shit but unless she wants to be fat all her adult life like me then she needs to learn to be sensible from a early age. We talk about eating for health rather than weight, never mentioned being fat. But I certainly push my DD towards more exercise then my son which luckily she loves. I give him so extra calories when she’s at a club so when they are together they are treated the same. When I was young everyone said it was puppy fat, turns out it actually wasn’t and it’s blighted my whole life. I don’t want that for my children.

@Caspianberg

Also, from their diet are they predominantly veggie meals with just occasional fish finger?

If veggie, meals still need to have protein. Beans, eggs, nut butters, tofu, cheese, Greek yogurt.

That's exactly what I noticed from the OP's "healthy" diet.

My toddler who is 2.5 years will eat more food if the food is something she likes like pasta or vegetarian processed food e.g. sausages. If she eats meat e.g. roast chicken, a burger or pulses e.g. lentils in a curry she eats less for the rest of the day.

The fruit and vegetable snacks, while healthy, aren't going to fill anybody up! I'd definitely offer carbs or protein alongside. Hard boiled eggs / crackers / breadsticks / rice or oatcakes are all healthy, and would curb hunger better than just, say, an apple. I know carbs can be demonised on mumsnet, but dc do need more of them.

One of my kids was big. I’m sure MN would say fat.
He was always hungry. Always running around.
Do you know what he’s like now OP? He’s a bloody professional footballer .

Late teen DS is midway between 98th & 99.6th percentile for height and been above the 91st percentile for weight since birth (and he was prem). His weight in the red book charts has barely fluctuated in almost 20 years. His height has been fairly consistent but not quite so much as weight. He is an athletic build, the strongest person I know by a long way, has a huge appetite but someone will probably say that at that percentile he's overweight. He was eating 1.5 weetabix plus fruit for breakfast at 7 months old.

Not read whole thread and I’m no expert but that doesn’t seem like a lot to me. At age 6 my son would eat 3/4 weetabix for breakfast every day. He is the tallest child in his year and very slim. It’s just want he needed.

Your kids need more carbs, mine would be starving on what you've laid out here. Porridge for breakfast! Omelette without any carbs is the kind of thing I'd eat if I was trying to LOSE weight. The fact you break weetabix in half is telling. I think you need to spell it out here. You haven't actually said what the problem is. I think YOU need help for your anxiety. Your kids sound normal. If they're active they'll be hungry.

I have no idea what my kids weigh. I stopped all that years ago. I go by their appetite and how active they are (very). If they look healthy they probably are.

My DD is 6 and in 7-8 clothes. She eats pretty similar to what you posted. It's never occurred to me to weigh her though to be honest. I expect she's quite heavy because she's tall, but she doesn't look overweight so we've never worried about her weight. She pesters us for food alot outside of meal times but only when she's bored. If we make sure she has plenty to do she doesn't mention food so much.

It sounds like this is more of a problem with you, either perception or phobia.

If they don’t have double chins or rolls of fat and you are offering healthy foods only (cut out crisps and sweets) and they exercise regularly then everything is fine. Let them choose their snacks, continue offering ones with good protein. It sounds like you are offering the right things.