Children’s hunger ruining my life

[Hungryhippos123]

NC as I’ve spoken to lots of friends and family about this.

I have two lovely DC 6 and 3. They are both happy lovely children but in the overweight category and have HUGE appetites and this is literally ruining my life. It sounds dramatic but it takes over every day. I’m a physio and my husband runs a business but is an ex-PT. we are both healthy, slim, eat well, exercise. Both kids were normal birthweight, EBF but 99th centile by 6 months and have stayed there since.

I spend huge amounts of time ensuring they have a healthy balanced diet. They eat well, cooking from scratch, loads of veg, enough protein to fill them (in theory). But they are always always hungry. We tried portion control at the recommendation of an nhs dietician for 3 months solid and gave small portions but they cried constantly (every waking moment, didn’t adjust to the new portions, waking in the night hungry etc. We now do the Ellyn Satter method where we have set meal and snack times but they eat their fill of healthy food. But still between these times they constantly moan they are hungry. Now the eldest can tell the time she counts down to the snack and meal times.

Days out are ruined by them wanting the picnic or lunch but 10:30am. When we are with friends I get so embarrassed by the constant requests for food especially as they are overweight. At parties/buffets they want to eat constantly. I allow them the odd ice cream/biscuit/treat and let them to wild at parties as don’t want the single them out and Also don’t want to demonise any food and make it super exciting.

I sought help from my HVs, GPs and dieticians for years. Advice ranges between they are obese you’re a terrible mother stop feeding them rubbish (I wasn’t!), ensure they have correct portions however hungry they are (everyone was miserable), that’s just they way they are (just accept they will be obese?!). They’ve both been tested for thyroid issues/health problems but all clear. They have no other indications of a health issue, no SEN etc.

I speak to family and friends but because they don’t look obese or even overweight as they’re v heavy but strong and muscular they tell me not to worry. Or tell me I’m lucky to have good eaters and try having a fussy/low centile child. I’m so worried about the impact on their lives especially when They’re old enough to buy food or move out as I’m sure they will balloon. I go to sleep hoping they will snap out of this food obsession. I’ve looked into hypnosis etc but they don’t do that for children.

We encourage healthy diet, theyre v active walking, swimming, park lots etc. I never talk about weight, never call them greedy never say fat. We just talk about healthy choices and waiting for meal and snack not grazing.

Honestly I’m at the end of my tether. I’m close to tears every day and cry often when they’re in bed as I worry so much about it. I’m embarrassed, worried for the future and exhausted by the constant effort to stop them eating or whinging. When I’m really bad we have no rule days where I let them eat whatever all day (maybe 3 x a year). They’re so happy, well behaved, calm, chilled on those days. They eat loads but I still generally offer healthy things so it’s not a junk free for all. Part of me thinks screw it ill do this every day as it makes life 100000 x easier and we are happy but realistically I can’t.

Anyone had similar? Please be kind I’m so worried upset and am acutely aware of the risks of obesity in childhood so I don’t need to be told this more.

@Hungryhippos123

But as you can see here it’s a minefield isn’t it! ‘Feed them as much as they want they’re growing children’ ‘change to a french/African/Mediterranean diet’ ‘have set meal and snack times and don’t feed them outside those...ignore the whinging’ ‘have a free for all snack supply they can help themselves to’. All great advice and I appreciate your time and effort to help me I really do but everything is so conflicting!

It's not really a minefield. Keep them active and let them eat a sensible balanced diet until they aren't hungry anymore. If that means an extra slice of toast at breakfast or a couple of biscuits here and there with a glass of milk it's fine. Nothing terrible is going to happen.

Don't over complicate it. A lot of children ask for food and cry and whinge to get it. It's how they learnt to be fed as babies and will grow out of it. Try to relax, this isn't a medical issue.

Feeding your children isn't a "complicated minefield". You're educated enough on nutrition and exercise to understand the framework for a healthy diet and life style. As already said, just use your common sense and have confidence in yourself as their mother.

I honestly think the issue is you.
My daughter is 99% for height, her weight is off the chart (shes slowly slimming down). She was 50percentile at birth and 75 by 4 months. 98percentile until last year but being stuck in during pandemic and no nursery meant her weight slowly crept up.
No way would I leave my children crying for food all day, they are growing and just like us occasionally get hungry outside of meal times and also during growth spurts.
It sounds like you have strong HEALTHY children. They are going to have so many issues in life if you don't calm down about their weight and just enjoy your children.
I suggest you seek help with your issues surrounding food.
What does their dad say about this?

I can see it’s all very conflicting advice. You have literally had every angle here.

I guest the key point is whether they are or are not, indeed fat.

That would narrow down much of the advice. If they’re not even overweight then you can ignore all the dietary advice and carry on.

If they are, then they’re simply eating too much food. Which technique/s you adopt to try to regulate that really depends on which works on the ground.

No offense but children ARE aware when parents (moms especially because they usually spend more time directly with them) are anxious about something. So you're not hiding your fears from them. Your anxiety about their eating, their diet, their portion size, their weight, their appearance and how they compare to other children at school, parties, play dates and weight charts comes through loud and clear in your post. You say they are happy and full on the few days you allow them to self regulate? Try this for a couple of weeks and see if you can all calm down a bit and just relax about food and all the issues you seem to be having with it. Children seem to want to eat ALL DAY LONG because their tummies are smaller and they need frequent refilling. It seems like you are working so hard and really beating yourself up over this. Give yourself and the kids a break, RELAX, let them eat food without worrying about "doing something wrong" or upsetting you. (you're not feeding them junk so they will still eat healthy foods). Don't overvalue things your read online or any particular "method" of eating. It is natural and necessary for life. Just let them and yourself enjoy meal times and food and eating together as a family. This is the really enjoyable part of eating - being together! Don't focus so much on every morsel they consume! This phase will pass, they will learn to self regulate if you allow them to without being so controlling. Just try to enjoy them without so much worry, guilt and control. Maybe talk to someone about how much this is creating anxiety for you? Is it bringing up unsolved issues from your own childhood? Sorry if my post seems harsh, I don't mean it that way at all. You are doing a great job on the food part, just relax and enjoy your kids without all the guilt, control and fear that seems to have taken over. Don't worry one bit about what "others" think.
We all overvalue others opinions to our own detriment. Do what makes your children happy and stop comparing them to other kids or percentile charts. Do you have interests outside the children and their diet? Try focusing less on their diet and more on their abilities, strengths, areas of growth and anything else you love about them. Also focus on your value as a person outside of your role as a mom. It's important to feel valued for more than providing food for little ones. Good luck, take a deep breath and RELAX - you care so much, just learn to enjoy them without all the anxiety about food, weight and controlling every bit that goes into their mouths. It's ok to let them eat and let yourself give up the guilt and fear.

@Allwokedup

Have you thought about worms!?

For fucks actual sake 🤦🏻‍♀️

Mummy put us on ignore I suspect

OP I have 2 kids. The oldest was always hungry as a baby and quickly went from 75th centile to being off the centile chart when all she was having was milk. When I started weaning her I stopped taking her to the HV as they used to ask me accusingly what I was feeding her (nothing but pureed veg) and look at me like I was a terrible parent and suggest I cut out feeds. She did look very chubby as a baby. She was overweight when they weighed them at school age 5 and I received a letter, which I threw in the bin obviously. She was always bigger than the other kids, although like yours, she was healthy and strong and by that age didn't usually look overweight although would go through periods of looking a little chubby when going through a growth spurt. She was the first of all my friends kids the same age to sit up and reach other physical milestones. Neither myself nor my husband are overweight. I've always been quite small and a healthy weight other than my late teens when I had an ED and was underweight. My husband is naturally quite broad and puts on muscle quickly and easily. With my own issues around food and weight this all caused me quite a lot of stress feeling that I was doing something wrong. I didn't want my daughter to grow up and have issues with food like I'd had, so I decided it was better to just try and let it go and try to ensure we all ate relatively healthily, so that's what I've done. My daughter is now 10 and is still always hungry and a head taller than most of her friends but is strong and healthy and doesn't look at all overweight. She is good at sports and very strong. She grows very quickly and is in clothes for kids a year or 2 older than her. We don't own a set of weighing scales and I never discuss mine or their weight. I impress healthy eating on them and the importance of a balanced diet, while still allowing take-aways and treats occasionally, by making it about them having healthy teeth, and just generally being healthy/not getting ill. What helped slightly was that her sibling who barely ate anything when she was very little, was also quite heavy despite not having any fat on her at all. She's also bigger than most of her friends height wise and is very naturally muscular so it made me realise they are just built that way. If you and your husband are both naturally slim it's unlikely your children will grow up and be obese. Imo BMI is a terrible tool for kids, it just doesn't work with some. Please let it go, for yours and your children's sanity. It's just not worth getting so stressed about. If they're eating healthy food they won't be overweight. Stop going to the HV/Doctor/etc. Let them be and just make sure their intake is healthy and they will be fine. My oldest now grazes all day but then barely eats any dinner. She just needs a lot of energy to.get her through the day as she's growing. I'm sure yours will be the same. I look at her now and wonder what on earth I was worrying about.

Worms Haha after nearly 30 pages, a eureka moment

Love your post , Terrimom wise words.

It might help feeding them soup as a starter - especially something filling like a lentil soup? You can make them easily in an instant pot or similar and it's healthy enough that they could have additional portions of it whenever they felt hungry? I have four kids, they're different sizes so I think it's partly just how they made? I don't think they will necessarily become obese later just because they are hungry now - please don't worry too much! XX

What about grass, that's not fattening. Seriously though mum has fled because counselling for her is not to be countenanced. Her parents have a lot to answer for

I haven’t fled? I posted earlier today.

@SmileyClare
Thanks! I try and sometimes get it right. I was so worried that I came across as holier than thou. I was trying not to bash the op, just point the focus to what matters and hope she can relax about food. She obviously cares so much and wants to do the right thing for herself and the kiddos or she wouldn't have risked asking for advice on MN. The responses here take every view and are not always what the OP wants to hear. But that's what makes it great reading material as well!

@justasking111

What about grass, that's not fattening. Seriously though mum has fled because counselling for her is not to be countenanced. Her parents have a lot to answer for

I specifically said earlier I have understood the many replies saying I need to tackle my issues loud and clear. It’s easy to say have counselling but Nhs lists are v v long for non urgent things and not everyone has the means to go private. I have reflected hugely on all the comments taken them on board and will be relaxing my approach. I haven’t disappeared off but listening to anyone or saying everyone is wrong.

Thanks @terrimom that really helps💕

It's a huge step to accept your own issues at play here Op. Just acknowledging that will probably help. I agree, it's not as easy as deciding Right I'm going to get help. There's no magic wand.

Wishing you well, and good luck with your new approach. You can do this

Glad to read your replies OP. If your sister had bulimia because of your parents comments, you are possibly carrying your own critical voice that comes from their attitudes. The inner critic is a bugger. But it can be helpful to identify it and tell it to do one.

Fyi if I eat Weetabix I'm starving by 930. A couple of eggs? I can keep going much longer. See food as fuel and it creates a different dynamic. I'm also really heavy but don't look it. Seriously, it's quite weird. When I tell people how much I weigh they're like shut up no you're not. I have no idea what is heavy lol. My bones? Maybe I'm just sense

*dense!

Hi, easily said but try not to worry so much. You're a good mum, doing her best. How about giving them eggs for breakfast? Nuts/nut butters on rice cakes for snacks (i know - but very nutritious) and increase the good fats eg avocado in their diet as no one can eat too many of them with them being so filling... And letting them have as much food as they like for breakfast, in the hope that the energy from that will tide them over dips in energy late afternoon etc. In my experience they will regulate themselves, as we all do; one day very hungry and so eat more, the next day not so hungry so it all evens out. If those three 'free' days a year you mention are happy, i'd go with that as an everyday experiment for three months or so. Your kids don't look fat, and are within the normal range, they might just have very heavy bones? If they are getting all they need to eat they will be well nourished and won't constantly think about food and as a consequence they will also sleep better, be more active and the problem might go away. I mean it nicely but try not to worry, you sound very unlikely to be doing damage by feeding them as much as they want but more than you think they need. Psychological damage creating food issues in the future is far more of a danger to your children than 'overeating' right now. If you can, just let them have what they want, make no food 'bad', and get on with enjoying life. Mine ate way more than yours at that age and are all slim in their twenties now. I wish you and your children well.

The menu you laid out is very similar to what my age 2 toddler eats, with actually more at breakfast time as ends up being a 3 course meal; my age 6 would not survive on that. They probably just like food and that’s their personality.

Sorry,OP, but I am still pondering the 'days off"idea.How do the children know when one is,who decides it and are you inadvertently setting yourself up for a fail here? Both are at an age of where they dont have the adult concepts of time.I wonder if the less whinging on the free days are because of the mood of the day?

It's so hard to be a decent parent when children are targeted and sugar is addictive.

It's so hard to be a decent parent when children are targeted and sugar is addictive.
Sugar is not addictive, there is no evidence that it is other than in dodgy scaremongering books which misquote the research.

Ah OK as you wish.

I've read your comments OP but not RTFT.
From what you say, I would personally serve much larger meals. My DC eat far bigger meals than you describe, esp breakfast. Then perhaps more snacks if they still need them, healthy things such as peanut butter on toast, hummus and pita and vegetable sticks. Personally I find that I stay fuller if I eat carbs and/or proteins (rather than fruit or veg, these never fill me up at all, or I feel hungry soon after eating them).

I'm confused as to how they are overweight if they don't look that way?

OP I think the best thing you could do for yourself and your kids is to change GP and HV and recognise that you’ve obviously got duds there....my job is not a million miles away from this type of role and there are good ones about, I think you’ve been unlucky with both and you’re completely entitled to change both. A good HV should be supporting you with your anxieties as well as advising about your kids. You’re kids are on the 99th centile, they are active and you’ve described them as not looking overweight, you’ve had them at various health professionals and there’s no underlying health conditions so they are fine! And you’re feeding them a lovely healthy diet, I would stop regulating their eating so much and let them eat more of the healthy and nutritious snacks when they’re saying they’re hungry, the food regulation may be causing their ‘obsession’ with eating, maybe not, but it certainly sounds like it’s making your life a misery. Mumsnet is a tough audience, I think your kids sound absolutely fine....xx