Children’s hunger ruining my life

[Hungryhippos123]

NC as I’ve spoken to lots of friends and family about this.

I have two lovely DC 6 and 3. They are both happy lovely children but in the overweight category and have HUGE appetites and this is literally ruining my life. It sounds dramatic but it takes over every day. I’m a physio and my husband runs a business but is an ex-PT. we are both healthy, slim, eat well, exercise. Both kids were normal birthweight, EBF but 99th centile by 6 months and have stayed there since.

I spend huge amounts of time ensuring they have a healthy balanced diet. They eat well, cooking from scratch, loads of veg, enough protein to fill them (in theory). But they are always always hungry. We tried portion control at the recommendation of an nhs dietician for 3 months solid and gave small portions but they cried constantly (every waking moment, didn’t adjust to the new portions, waking in the night hungry etc. We now do the Ellyn Satter method where we have set meal and snack times but they eat their fill of healthy food. But still between these times they constantly moan they are hungry. Now the eldest can tell the time she counts down to the snack and meal times.

Days out are ruined by them wanting the picnic or lunch but 10:30am. When we are with friends I get so embarrassed by the constant requests for food especially as they are overweight. At parties/buffets they want to eat constantly. I allow them the odd ice cream/biscuit/treat and let them to wild at parties as don’t want the single them out and Also don’t want to demonise any food and make it super exciting.

I sought help from my HVs, GPs and dieticians for years. Advice ranges between they are obese you’re a terrible mother stop feeding them rubbish (I wasn’t!), ensure they have correct portions however hungry they are (everyone was miserable), that’s just they way they are (just accept they will be obese?!). They’ve both been tested for thyroid issues/health problems but all clear. They have no other indications of a health issue, no SEN etc.

I speak to family and friends but because they don’t look obese or even overweight as they’re v heavy but strong and muscular they tell me not to worry. Or tell me I’m lucky to have good eaters and try having a fussy/low centile child. I’m so worried about the impact on their lives especially when They’re old enough to buy food or move out as I’m sure they will balloon. I go to sleep hoping they will snap out of this food obsession. I’ve looked into hypnosis etc but they don’t do that for children.

We encourage healthy diet, theyre v active walking, swimming, park lots etc. I never talk about weight, never call them greedy never say fat. We just talk about healthy choices and waiting for meal and snack not grazing.

Honestly I’m at the end of my tether. I’m close to tears every day and cry often when they’re in bed as I worry so much about it. I’m embarrassed, worried for the future and exhausted by the constant effort to stop them eating or whinging. When I’m really bad we have no rule days where I let them eat whatever all day (maybe 3 x a year). They’re so happy, well behaved, calm, chilled on those days. They eat loads but I still generally offer healthy things so it’s not a junk free for all. Part of me thinks screw it ill do this every day as it makes life 100000 x easier and we are happy but realistically I can’t.

Anyone had similar? Please be kind I’m so worried upset and am acutely aware of the risks of obesity in childhood so I don’t need to be told this more.

@BungleandGeorge

BMI hasn’t been discredited, there are some drawbacks and using it in conjunction with other measures such as waist circumference is more accurate. It’s very unusual for women and children to have sufficient muscle mass to make it inaccurate as without testosterone that amount of muscle is quite unlikely. In children early growth spurt and puberty can make comparing to age average inaccurate. It’s not true that weight doesn’t matter, only fat proportion. Very muscular people also have problems because your heart has to work a lot harder to pump around the increased bulk. Also if fat is quoted as a percentage someone of 13 stone would have much more fat than someone of 8 stone with the same % fat. OP says that she’s spoken to several HCP and a dietitian so surely the kids must have been accurately weighed and measured and there was a problem or they wouldn’t be referred, the dietitian thought it necessary to restrict portions which does indicate that they were eating too much food? Kids often nag for food when they’re bored. I’d personally stick to the dietitian recommendation and allow free veg based snacks in addition if nagging for food. Maybe some plain yogurt with fruit purée or similar. Vegetable soup.

Duh yeah. Someone who is 13 stone 6'3" will have more fat than someone who is 7 stone 5'. That's irrelevant. It's spread across a bigger mass. That's not a problem. That's why % is used. Do you not understand how it works?

The problem is loving parents see their children differently from other people's pov.
My nephew was clearly overweight. But my sister got really defensive if anyone, even medical professional suggested he was overweight. She wasn't feeding him crap, just more than enough.
He lost weight when he went to boarding school because of bullying.

I have a v tall 6 year old who never sits still. He eats much more than you're giving to yours and would be constantly moaning about being hungry if I restricted his food. My attitude is he can have as much savory food as he wants but of course I'm strict with any sugary snacks.

His normal breakfast is a bowl of porridge, followed by 2 weetabix with a few shreddies. I have no idea how much he weighs or what his BMI is - but he's really fairly skinny looking so why would I restrict food if he's hungry??

@lambchoc if you had a short, chubby child would you restrict food then?

Restriction absolutely leads to binging and obsession/addiction too, so the constant asking for food is highly likely to stem from that. Children self regulate with food in a way adults generally don't because we've all been indoctrinated with diet culture and thousands of pieces of 'health advice' and ridiculous rules around food. If the kids know that when they are hungry food will be available they will regulate themselves, although you may find in the short term that they will eat LOTS more than they need because they've been restricted and had food rules imposed upon them. Hold your nerve. They will be coming out of 'starvation mode'. This is not to say they're necessarily literally 'starving', but it's more of a state of mind - if they're denied food multiple times per day it their bodies and minds are experiencing deprivation. This will eventually pass and they will begin to regulate themselves and become less preoccupied with food. Read a book called 'intuitive eating', it explains it really well. There's a chapter on kids too.

Give them more carbs to fill them up. I’d struggle on an omelette for lunch and want snacks. Offer unlimited fruit and veg between meals

Are they going through a growth spurt? My son goes through phases of feeling hungry all the time and phases of not eating much.
I always notice he grows a bit taller after the phases of eating more.
His paediatrician's advise has always been to restrict sugar (treats) and have a balance of protein, fats and carbohydrates. Kids need a bit of fat too in their diet.
I would offer porridge with berries and a banana instead of wheatabix. It keeps them fuller longer. Also if they have no allergies add some nuts into the diet either at breakfast or as a snack. Peanut butter on whole meal toast etc.

I totally understand OP.
Two of my three kids are obese. One is a teen and the other is 6.
We have always offered good and healthy food but I've seen the difference between my dc and their sibling and other children. They are simply FAR more interested in food! If I didn't control portions, they'd easily polish off adult sized portions (obviously for the teen that's fine now but also when she was younger). Never turning down an offer of food or a snack, never not finishing a meal. I remember when my older dd was little and we would go to birthday parties. All the other kids would leave half eaten sandwiches, packs of crisps etc and go and play whereas DD would sit and finish everything nad only then go to play.
My advice, based on my experience, is this:

1. Chill. It's just food. Sure, we don't want our kids to be overweight but there's more to life than this. My teen DD is now overweight and not so happy about it but she's a well-balanced, popular, funny and smart girl. Regular exercise is just as important as weight control for good health too.
2. Offer low calorie foods that will fill them up if they are still hungry. if they have finished their food and are still hungry, I offer them veggies for eg or no fat yoghurt etc. Like you, i don't want them hungry but try to restrict the calorie intake. Try to fill their plate more with veggies in general.
3. Watch for any calories they drink in juice or anything else. Even on 'free for all' days, i'd restrict this one.
4. Whatever happens, hide any concerns from the kids, especially girls due to the messaging they'll get externally. If they are overweight, it'll be hard for them and they need to know it's OK.

Good luck OP. It's not easy.

Children constantly saying they’re hungry doesn’t necessarily mean they are overweight or eating too much. Without being able to see what your children look like (no, don’t post photos here), the best person to deal with your concern is not mumsnetters but your doctor. Your GP can refer you and your children to a dietician or a paediatrician if they are really eating too much.

There are defensive mothers who refuse to believe their overly fed and unhealthily fed obese child is overweight and needs a change in how and what they are fed. There are also overanxious mothers who believe that if their child does not stick religiously to meal quantities from a fashionable parenting book or look like mini versions of thin movie stars they must be too fat, when in fact they’re actually normal or even slightly underweight.

Food requirements differ from child to child- there are many skinny children who constantly eat far more than their overweight siblings/friends. Book an appointment with your children’s GP to get proper advice.

PS if your GP has said they’re on the heavy side and need to eat less or be more active, two ways to help keep the pounds off in children is to take them to sport clubs or dance lessons outside school time at least twice a week, which use up a lot of energy. The focus on a different hobby also takes one’s attention away from eating and will ensure that any excess calories are at least being burnt off. And they could even develop a new hobby that they love. (And hopefully gets them out of the home for a little while so that the “I’m hungry” requests are momentarily quietened!) Find things that they like- don’t force them to do football or netball if they prefer tennis, swimming or tap dancing (all burn calories and improve fitness well). Another thing is having a dog that the family can go on walks together with (but make sure you have the time, finances and commitment for looking after a dog long term)...my relations and friends who had or have dogs all say their dog is the best personal trainer, as they have to take him/her out on walks, rain or shine, no excuses.

my son was like that, huge and heavy from a few months old.
He is now a strapping (lean but heavy) young man. 6 foot, medium shirt size, small trousers size.

Suggest you let them eat as much as they like, never limit quantities, just make sure its all healthy options. I used to make up fruit plates and they liked that better than sweets.

We were all like it as kids, my mum used to make filling items such as adding dumplings to dinner, crumbles for pudding etc, yes its a bit carby but better that was the 70s. Bread and butter on the side of dinner if needed. I still do that one.

Also as no one goes back for seconds of veg, I still mix all the veg (so much veg!!!) into the dinner so if they want more they can't help but eat piles and piles of veg.

Did a nice one the other day, massive bag of kale, did some brown rice, quinoia and grains (lazy person's 2 min microwave rice as was in a rush) and also some sweetcorn, and mixed that all up. So mainly kale but they had to eat it or be hungry. We had that with spicy kebabs, but then husband had the rest with tuna mixed through. Woudl have been nicer with some lemon or lime squeezed in.

What i am getting at is you can make piles of things like that, they can eat their fill.

Kids your DCs age really should not be left hungry.

Mine used to eat every couple of hours, my DD didnt eat as much as chunky boy but she would then be hungry again very quickly, so was on pretty much constant feed until she was a teen. The constant feed didnt cause her a problem, she is now 15 and a size 4.

Suggest chill out re kids food, never let them be hungry. Make sure they are as active as poss.

My friend's kids were a bit chunky, she watched their food, she told them "only one pudding", it was always a "thing", they are now both young adults, both overweight and both have unhealthy relationships with food. Best thing you can do is stop thinking about what they eat, and please please please never let them be hungry.

ohh and I didnt buy fizzy drinks unless it was a birthday. They are not big pop drinkers now so didnt cause a big issue, we just didnt have it in the house.
Used to give them apple juice mixed down with water as a treat, but mainly just water or milk to drink.

We never fry food don't have fizzy pop, DS runs all day, plays frisby, get them out exercising it'll help shape their body, he is still 99% cen aged 6 in height and weight. I removed one small item each meal and an extra walk, he has lost some.
Lockdown hasn't helped, plan an active summer with them.

Hi, this is tricky situation, the thing that stands out for me is when you say they do not look overweight.
Both of my children were far heavier than their peers but looked normal weight, I don’t weigh them often I could feel they were a lot heavier, when I looked at my kids and friends I could see they have thicker legs/ankles and wrists, bigger heads, the widest feet etc but the generally looked the same size. I’be never restricted food and now age 11 and 12 they self regulate well, we have Easter eggs sitting out uneaten but they have more or less free access to them. My daughter has asked for less packed lunch, my son adds items to his and I’ve increased his sandwich quantity to fill him. I would never go by a measure such as BMI for a healthy looking child, my kids are just generally heavier but are not fat it’s their normal. The eat big breakfasts of weetabix and shreddies. The do like carbs and lots of fruit, they are active and happy, I never think of their weight. I don’t restrict any food types but would discuss healthy options should they ask for a lot of crisps/sweets. They tent to naturally choose fruit or veg and love if it’s all cut up ready.
I would definitely relax the restrictions for the next year and see how they go. Just upping meal portions should help. When mine were younger I always carried snacks, toast, fruit, bread sticks to hand out regularly. We still find my daughter suffers low mood if she does not eat very regularly, good luck and enjoy your beautiful children.

People come in all shapes and sizes. Children too. All equally valuable. Maybe if we stopped this damaging obsession with conforming everyone to some ideal stereotype it would stop propelling people into a lifetime of worry and fear over food and bmi. Honestly, I just don't think this is the way. Somewhere along the way we have lost sight of what really matters, and it's not dress size.

I don’t think it’s do any harm to allow unlimited ‘healthy’ snacks if they’re saying they’re hungry. DS is the king of “I’m still hungry Mummy”- after a big dinner and a yoghurt. We just offer an apple or carrot sticks. You might find that they stop looking forward to the next meal so much if they know there’s always something they can have.

I was also told DS was obese when he was a toddler- and he definitely was, but he’d also only just started moving properly and I think it’s a bit daft to start measuring BMI at such a young age for that reason- it causes unnecessary anxiety for the vast majority of families who receive the message. DS is fine now, aged 4. Are you sure that your children are actually overweight?

Apart from that DH and I just model good choices and a healthy lifestyle without making a big deal of it. Do you eat as a family? Sounds like you’re very active and eat well yourself.

I re read your original post, OP.
Your children "weigh" as overweight.
Your children are not obese.
You feed them a good mix of all food groups.
I would not give crisps as the extra snacks.
Consultant is not concerned - so neither should tyou be unless they move from overweight to obese. Kids constantly grow and stretch. My youngest was 99th centile for weight for years and now she's grown into her tummy she is in 50th.
Don;t let this become a thing. They've already been scrutinised by HV, GP and consultant and this could become a thing if you let it continue.
My mother had weight issues - they transferred to me. I was not naturally slim like my sister and was known as the fat one. I was not fat - but I became fat and fulfilled their prophecy.

I wonder if you're suffering from post natal anxiety and it can go on for years it's the fixation that makes me ask.

What I would say is that their diet looks good but the foods they are eating aren't necessarily nutrient dense foods so dead calories like rice cakes ok for babies but you may want to switch it up to something like a crisp roll that has whole grains in it so slow release complex carbohydrates and they may need more protein so full fat yoghurt or something similar.

Kids need carbs. Adults less so. But subjecting kids to adult-based food intake is going to leave them hungry. Not all carbs are bad and kids need them due to constant growing. Restricting (good) carbs is bad.

They are not eating vast amounts from what you listed... if they are not overweight, just tall, solid and hungry I would increase breakfast to 2 weetabix, greek yogurt and a banana or scramble them each a couple of eggs with whole grain toast followed by fruit. My son ate a bowl of rice crispies, 2 slices of toast and bowl of fruit for breakfast at that age, and was still hungry for a snack at 11. He has always been slight with hollow legs! They burn calories quickly at that stage as they are always moving.

I saw an internet blogger Mum put photos of the ‘free snack shelf’ on Facebook which was a row of plastic boxes in her fridge full of mini cheese blocks, cucumber sticks, carrot sticks, pepper sticks, mini hummus pots and a cereal dispenser of rice cakes or oat cakes which her kids could help themselves to at any time. From what I remember the novelty of food anytime meant that for a week or two her children grazed continually, then they got used to it being there and only eat it when they were hungry. She didn’t vary the offerings hugely so it wasn’t like there was anything particularly exciting to graze on! It was literally, if you’re hungry it’s cucumbers & oat cakes or wait for dinner.

My children are heavier than they look. I remember one being weighed at hospital, and weighing in the obese range - the consultant said this is when common sense comes into play and told me to worry. They look skinny but weigh a ton - one is always hungry and the other eats normally.

kids are hungry creatures! With respect It sounds like your obsession with their weight & dietary intake has made them obsess with constantly wanting to eat.
It’s like when your on a diet and all you can think about is food (or is that just me?)
How does them asking for food at 10:30 on a day out ruin the day? This is completely normal everyone can’t wait to dig in when you’ve got a yummy picnic waiting, and if they’ve been up since 7 and travelled somewhere they’ll be ready for a snack. They have snack time at school at morning break it’s normal, make sure that your selection of snacks in the house is reasonably healthy and relax about it all you’ve said yourself they’re much happier on the days you let them do this.

*I haven’t done height or weight for a while but looking at them they’re v average height but feel heavier than friends kids.

This makes no sense. If you don’t know where they are on the height chart, why are you concerned about where they are on the weight centile? Using one metric makes no sense. If a child is 99th for weight but 25th for height, that’s a problem. If they are 99th and 75th, it isn’t.

They eat much much healthier than mine so I think it’s prob just the way they are supposed to be. If the run fast and do gymnastics and don’t look fat, I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

@MintyMabel

*I haven’t done height or weight for a while but looking at them they’re v average height but feel heavier than friends kids.

This makes no sense. If you don’t know where they are on the height chart, why are you concerned about where they are on the weight centile? Using one metric makes no sense. If a child is 99th for weight but 25th for height, that’s a problem. If they are 99th and 75th, it isn’t.

Because Health Visitors spout utter shit about this. It’s honestly ridiculous. I detest them. I’ve never met a single one who has been helpful.