Children’s hunger ruining my life

[Hungryhippos123]

NC as I’ve spoken to lots of friends and family about this.

I have two lovely DC 6 and 3. They are both happy lovely children but in the overweight category and have HUGE appetites and this is literally ruining my life. It sounds dramatic but it takes over every day. I’m a physio and my husband runs a business but is an ex-PT. we are both healthy, slim, eat well, exercise. Both kids were normal birthweight, EBF but 99th centile by 6 months and have stayed there since.

I spend huge amounts of time ensuring they have a healthy balanced diet. They eat well, cooking from scratch, loads of veg, enough protein to fill them (in theory). But they are always always hungry. We tried portion control at the recommendation of an nhs dietician for 3 months solid and gave small portions but they cried constantly (every waking moment, didn’t adjust to the new portions, waking in the night hungry etc. We now do the Ellyn Satter method where we have set meal and snack times but they eat their fill of healthy food. But still between these times they constantly moan they are hungry. Now the eldest can tell the time she counts down to the snack and meal times.

Days out are ruined by them wanting the picnic or lunch but 10:30am. When we are with friends I get so embarrassed by the constant requests for food especially as they are overweight. At parties/buffets they want to eat constantly. I allow them the odd ice cream/biscuit/treat and let them to wild at parties as don’t want the single them out and Also don’t want to demonise any food and make it super exciting.

I sought help from my HVs, GPs and dieticians for years. Advice ranges between they are obese you’re a terrible mother stop feeding them rubbish (I wasn’t!), ensure they have correct portions however hungry they are (everyone was miserable), that’s just they way they are (just accept they will be obese?!). They’ve both been tested for thyroid issues/health problems but all clear. They have no other indications of a health issue, no SEN etc.

I speak to family and friends but because they don’t look obese or even overweight as they’re v heavy but strong and muscular they tell me not to worry. Or tell me I’m lucky to have good eaters and try having a fussy/low centile child. I’m so worried about the impact on their lives especially when They’re old enough to buy food or move out as I’m sure they will balloon. I go to sleep hoping they will snap out of this food obsession. I’ve looked into hypnosis etc but they don’t do that for children.

We encourage healthy diet, theyre v active walking, swimming, park lots etc. I never talk about weight, never call them greedy never say fat. We just talk about healthy choices and waiting for meal and snack not grazing.

Honestly I’m at the end of my tether. I’m close to tears every day and cry often when they’re in bed as I worry so much about it. I’m embarrassed, worried for the future and exhausted by the constant effort to stop them eating or whinging. When I’m really bad we have no rule days where I let them eat whatever all day (maybe 3 x a year). They’re so happy, well behaved, calm, chilled on those days. They eat loads but I still generally offer healthy things so it’s not a junk free for all. Part of me thinks screw it ill do this every day as it makes life 100000 x easier and we are happy but realistically I can’t.

Anyone had similar? Please be kind I’m so worried upset and am acutely aware of the risks of obesity in childhood so I don’t need to be told this more.

I think it sounds like an awful lot of food. I'm not being competatively skinny here....I just do. My children would never eat the weetabix AND a banana....or the sandwich AND the sausages.

It's one or the other because they get too full.

I’m afraid I think this is more a problem you have with food than them and both your backgrounds in physio and PT are giving you a regimented viewpoint of their food and what it should consist of. You are trying to apply adult standards to children.

Remember children are growing and energetic. They need more energy to grow especially in growth spurts.
The meal list you gave doesn’t sound particularly excessive to me and if they have stronger builds that explains it.

Huge big hugs OP. Can I start with the days out? Because my son is broadly built and at family gatherings the joke was always to guard the apple tart/cake from him because he'd be popping back for more. I was always on edge and enjoyed none of them and told my sister once and she said basically jesus most of the kids are trying to nab extra bars/crisps, relax! I pointed out the kids that weren't and she was rolling her eyes at me. We always notice our kids more and as someone that's skirted around play dates with my friend's kids before I realised they all had different issues (eg I thought mine too loud then saw some mothers of tantrums etc), life is too short. As for them being bigger but not obese looking they will even out even more. The amount of kids at 3 and 6 that honestly look like they could go either way but average out is huge. Where you said in your op 'what let them get obese?' I think they meant keep the food as it is and they'll be fine. Enjoy the kids, forget about food, you're doing great. Hugs.

Bless you OP this sounds hard! My kids are the other way, but I would find that really hard. Just a hand hold really.

My kids have always been high 90s centilw for height and weight. Now my 16 year old son is 6.3 and broad shouldered athlete and my 12 year old daughter has just hit 5.6 height

How tall are you and your dh? I was a hungry big tall child and as an adult have always been slim and tall

Op also have considered a lower carb approach for them ? It will make them feel much more satisfied and not need snacks as much www.dietdoctor.com/low-carb-kids

It sounds like you're giving your kids nutritious food and lots of opportunities for physical activity. Well done. Given their lifestyle, I think if they don't look chubby you shouldn't worry about their percentiles, and definitely not to the extent that it is overshadowing what should be a happy time with healthy, thriving children.

One of my kids has a really hearty appetite (also hovers at the birthday party buffet while her friends play!) and I worry about being one of those parents who doesn't seem to notice as their child becomes obese. I ask family to be honest with me about it, because it really is hard to be objective.

But actually, as pp have said, I don't think the childhood obesity epidemic is because of a relaxed attitude to rice cakes and fruit, and I don't suppose you do either really, so maybe be a bit more free and easy with healthy snacks and see if that calms them down a bit?

It's interesting how pp have variously said that you are feeding them too much and that you are feeding them too little. Can't win!

You seem to be quite upset here, and yet you are questioning yourself even if there is a problem. The only way is to get them weighed properly with the GP or HV with a fat percentage, and then sit yourself down with them and decide if there is a problem.

For some reason, this has gone on for years with several professionals telling you that they are overweight, but in your post you are still questioning this?

I presume that it may be that they are overweight. If so, calorie control is the only way for several months. Exercise won’t shift the weight. The children will give you hell for a while as it’s horrible feeling hungry, that that’s your only course. I guess you’ve done down various routes, why haven’t they worked? You dont really seem to know, and that is key, there is some blind spot you need to find.

The only other suggestion is filling the house with only good foods, and ones that take a while to eat but aren’t that heavy on carbohydrates. Nothing else. No cafe treats or anything. Let the kids eat when they want, what they want, from the cupboards, and when it’s gone, it’s gone until the next week. Put the pressure off but make it dead easy to eat better stuff. Think no soft or fruit drinks, water only. Think loads of veg cooked ready to heat. Think some fruit, not millions. Think lots of portions in small pots and you heat one at a time every 5 hours, if they ask, of pasta or carbs so that these are there but it’s just a way of persuading no binging on them. After a while they will eat less if the food is’nt that appetizing.

Try giving unlimited veges between meals when they ask for food. Veges are low calorie and filling due to fibre. Do carrot sticks, celery, capsicum, beans, peas etc. You have to consume a huge amount of veges (not cooked in oil, butter etc) to gain weight.

Popcorn is also a good low calorie filler (not the microwave flavoured types).

Oh OP, I really feel for you. If they don't look overweight, you're feeding them healthy things, they're doing lots of exercise, there is no medical issue and the dietician has said that if they're hungry, feed them, please don't worry about this just because some unhelpful people following a very basic and very flawed height and weight chart have told you they're 'obese'.

I completely understand your worry and you sound like a very conscientious parent, but it is madness to let your children wake up hungry in the night, especially on the basis of a chart rather than the child standing in front of you.

If it's reassuring at all, my son was an absolute guzzler as a baby, to the point we had a professional looking at him when he was crying just after drinking his huge nighttime bottle of milk. Trying to calm him, they said, "well he can't possibly be hungry, but we've exhausted everything else so feel free to give it a go". He was indeed hungry. Fed him a few more oz and he was happy. The advice at that point was that he had an extraordinary appetite but just go with it. We did. He still goes through quite extended phases of huge appetite but then goes back to 'normal' for a bit. We just go with it, feed him when he's hungry (keeping to a flexible structure of meal times) and enjoy getting him to try ever more unusual food! He's now a very healthy little boy at the top end of both height and weight charts but, like yours, looks perfectly normal size.

One side of my family has tall genes and very fast metabolism which I inherited so I put it down to that. He has been known to grow over an inch in a month!

Apparently I was much the same as a child, they just worried about it less! (I have literally no health problems as an adult).

Conversely, we have some family friends whose mother (and to a lesser extent, father) was absolutely paranoid about her children getting fat. Tried not to show it, but it came across as these things will. The result was that as soon as they left home their weight shot up as they revelled in the lack of implicit restriction and worry over food, and it has taken then many years to get back to something sensible (and they're still prone to weight swings). Honestly, I think they were lucky not to come out with any more disordered eating than that. Just my cautionary tale!

I feel like your HV (and possibly the internet!) has made you paranoid and I'm really sorry it's taking such a toll on you. Honestly, I think you'd all benefit from a bit more lassaiz faire parenting! I wish you peace of mind and a decent sleep.

Oh, and your average day meal is not that far off my toddler's standard day! Yesterday he ate far less than usual; tomorrow he may guzzle again. It's all good!

The food on offer doesn't sound very calorie dense or have much protein and fat to fill them up. Where is the fruit and puddings?

My 4yo has always been a grazer and worries me with how little he eats at one sitting. My 18m old is totally different and will absolutely stuff her face every meal. Both of them are a totally normal body shape for their age.

In the nicest possible way, give them more food. They will self regulate.

Mine are nearly 6 & nearly 3, both boys, so just about the same as yours. 5 year old is 97th%ile height, looks normal/skinny but weighs 25kg. He can eat for a football team. Your ‘typical day’ sounds like a very moderate food intake day for him, he’s been having 4 weetbix for breakfast since he was 4, and would happily down a banana or toast after that before he starts begging for snacks 20 mins later. I remember when 6 months preg with his brother we went to Bruges and it was FREEZING, I wasn’t that well so was thinking it wasn’t a bad thing that he needed a multi course meal every few hours. We’d go into a cafe and order the meal for him- a bowl of bolognese or similar, and a snack for us as we can’t just eat that much! It’s been like that since he started eating. His only feedback from childcare was could he eat more slowly as he’s finished 3 bowls of lunch at the same time as others finish 1.
He’s active, extremely healthy, intelligent, and I have zero concerns about him, although as a small woman myself it is hard to believe I made that. We have rules like if you’re I’m hungry you’d eat dinner, always offer more dinner before the extras if we have it, maximum 2 bananas a day (which he regards as the set amount ‘I haven’t had two yet so you have to give me a banana’) I really think you need to work on your mindset to this. It is a little embarrassing at some parties when he is the one at the food table, but he’s hungry. When he’s 18 I might do an album of photos of him alone at the table after the meal, everyone’s playing etc and he’s having another serving.

Your typical day menu sounds awfully light on protein. All the carbs and sugar fuel hunger.

How about turkey or chicken, precooked and served sliced? Or beans. Or a hard boiled egg for snack. And more fat - olives, avocado, cheese.

I don't understand - they don't look obese or even overweight? I never weigh my kids. They're both heavy (to pick up!), Heavier than other children their age (I work with children) and they eat LOADS which I'm thrilled about! I only provide healthy food made from scratch and healthy snacks so never would occur to me that its a problem.

I live abroad though with no HVs which I'm eternally grateful for as they seem to be useless and pretty... Consistantly wrong 😂

If they don't look obese they're not obese. Why are you letting a chart tell ntky what your eyes know?! In the nicest possible way, try the free for all approach for at least six months. You may find they eat a lot less at lunch and dinner when they know they can have a light snack an hour later. My you fest is six and grazes all day. She is as slight as they come. We all have our own healthy eating habits.

What you stated they eat is very well balanced and healthy. My youngest who's 8 is literally hungry 24/7, he'll have a meal and he'll be hungry within 30 minutes. He just grazes constantly all day from the moment he gets up until we wind down for bedtime. A lot of children are like this. I wouldn't worry too much about it OP, just feed your kids when they're hungry, literally the worst thing you can do is start making food an issue.

When I’m really bad we have no rule days where I let them eat whatever all day (maybe 3 x a year). They’re so happy, well behaved, calm, chilled on those days. They eat loads but I still generally offer healthy things so it’s not a junk free for all.

Can you see the problem now? They whine and pester you for food because they have to. You’req controlling it.

You’re not “bad” on the days you stop worrying about food. What you are aiming for is strong, physically active kids and that’s what you have.

If they don’t look overweight then they’re not overweight.

Can you post a photo with faces blurred out?

3 year olds are often chubbier- I think that’s completely usual and nothing to worry about if, as you say, they eat healthily and exercise.

I suspect you’re worrying over nothing.

Hi OP reading your posts it strikes me that you are feeling more anxious than most about food and weight and how your children and you may be perceived.
The fact that your sibling had an eating disorder is probably the reason for this. If when you were growing up food was a massive issue in your household it’s really not surprising that this has happened at all, and definitely not your fault.
I think for your own happiness you could maybe explore this with a counsellor, you might find that you have very strict “rules” for yourself as well.
Good luck and I really hope you do manage to find a way to feel less stressed about it all x

You sound worn out, anxious, unhappy and obsessed 💐. I suspect, if someone took over responsibility for your children's eating, you would be anxious about something else. Your children sound fine but in danger of being negatively affected by your obsession and over restrictive methods. Some children, who can't leave the party table, are just amazed that they suddenly have free choice of endless fun foods, compared to their usually restricted diet. Your "embarrassment" is a red flag. Please stop obsessing about this and refer yourself for talking therapies - something like CBT could really help - you would need to be really honest about how you feel and behave. Please do this for yourself. Also, given your sister's problems, consider how she was parented. Are you at all similar to your parent in attitudes to appearance, eating, or caring too much about what others may think, or how your children's behaviours or appearance reflect on you? It's hard to do this honestly without the support of an appropriate person. You are in a difficult place, and I really feel for you. Switching the focus from your children to yourself may be the way to a happier place. Good luck.

Poor OP. We’ve all got so mixed up about food and weight. For what it’s worth, that isn’t a huge amount of food and also not terribly filling, depending on the dinner portion sizes and what is in the lasagne. And as someone who is very affected by carbs/sugar, weetbix, muesli bars, tomatoes and apples all make me more hungry rather than less.

Are you avoiding red meat? I would bulk things up with things like more eggs, cheese, unsweetened peanut butter, multigrain bread, lentils, chick peas, cooked carrot, zucchini, and red meat if you eat it.

If the kids were waking hungry it was definitely not enough food for them.

How do the children know when its a day off?

It's interesting how pp have variously said that you are feeding them too much and that you are feeding them too little. Can't win!

Not only that but posters have also suggested the following:

They need more fats
They need more protein
They need more carbohydrates
They need less carbohydrates

There daily diet seems fine except the breakfast sounds a bit meagre. Surely they can manage 2 weetabix as well as a banana! Then they wouldn’t be nagging for a mid morning snack so soon.