Children’s hunger ruining my life

[Hungryhippos123]

NC as I’ve spoken to lots of friends and family about this.

I have two lovely DC 6 and 3. They are both happy lovely children but in the overweight category and have HUGE appetites and this is literally ruining my life. It sounds dramatic but it takes over every day. I’m a physio and my husband runs a business but is an ex-PT. we are both healthy, slim, eat well, exercise. Both kids were normal birthweight, EBF but 99th centile by 6 months and have stayed there since.

I spend huge amounts of time ensuring they have a healthy balanced diet. They eat well, cooking from scratch, loads of veg, enough protein to fill them (in theory). But they are always always hungry. We tried portion control at the recommendation of an nhs dietician for 3 months solid and gave small portions but they cried constantly (every waking moment, didn’t adjust to the new portions, waking in the night hungry etc. We now do the Ellyn Satter method where we have set meal and snack times but they eat their fill of healthy food. But still between these times they constantly moan they are hungry. Now the eldest can tell the time she counts down to the snack and meal times.

Days out are ruined by them wanting the picnic or lunch but 10:30am. When we are with friends I get so embarrassed by the constant requests for food especially as they are overweight. At parties/buffets they want to eat constantly. I allow them the odd ice cream/biscuit/treat and let them to wild at parties as don’t want the single them out and Also don’t want to demonise any food and make it super exciting.

I sought help from my HVs, GPs and dieticians for years. Advice ranges between they are obese you’re a terrible mother stop feeding them rubbish (I wasn’t!), ensure they have correct portions however hungry they are (everyone was miserable), that’s just they way they are (just accept they will be obese?!). They’ve both been tested for thyroid issues/health problems but all clear. They have no other indications of a health issue, no SEN etc.

I speak to family and friends but because they don’t look obese or even overweight as they’re v heavy but strong and muscular they tell me not to worry. Or tell me I’m lucky to have good eaters and try having a fussy/low centile child. I’m so worried about the impact on their lives especially when They’re old enough to buy food or move out as I’m sure they will balloon. I go to sleep hoping they will snap out of this food obsession. I’ve looked into hypnosis etc but they don’t do that for children.

We encourage healthy diet, theyre v active walking, swimming, park lots etc. I never talk about weight, never call them greedy never say fat. We just talk about healthy choices and waiting for meal and snack not grazing.

Honestly I’m at the end of my tether. I’m close to tears every day and cry often when they’re in bed as I worry so much about it. I’m embarrassed, worried for the future and exhausted by the constant effort to stop them eating or whinging. When I’m really bad we have no rule days where I let them eat whatever all day (maybe 3 x a year). They’re so happy, well behaved, calm, chilled on those days. They eat loads but I still generally offer healthy things so it’s not a junk free for all. Part of me thinks screw it ill do this every day as it makes life 100000 x easier and we are happy but realistically I can’t.

Anyone had similar? Please be kind I’m so worried upset and am acutely aware of the risks of obesity in childhood so I don’t need to be told this more.

I would try worming them, just to rule that out.

Oh and I’ve always been near the top of the BMI range, always “big built” since I was a kid...now a competitive weightlifter. BMI would have me classified obese, but I’m a size 10-12. I’ve made that shit work in my favour. If they’re genuinely just a bigger build, then finding physical activities they’re good at will be helpful for their self esteem, focus on enjoying exercise and being active as a family rather than food intake.

@Hungryhippos123 I had a conversation this week in a work meeting (NHS) after a presentation on a weight management programme for children, where parents are supported to make healthy changes within the family where children are obese. All great, and they’re mainly families who’ve got a lot of other stuff going on, too. A few people (including me) took slight issue with the inclusion criteria of ‘obese’ being >90th centile for a toddler/ pre schooler. My child wasn’t a particularly big baby - 50-60th centile - but steadily gained weight (even during the first week post partum) until she hit the 90th centile by a few months old. She stayed in the 90s until she was about two and a half, then went off the (red book) charts for both height and weight. She was exclusively breast fed and I never gave her crap, processed food or sugar. She was a sturdy, chunky kid - not fat, certainly not obese, just solid. I used to pick other people’s kids up and nearly throw them in the air because they were like little hollow dolls! She’s never been overweight, and is now a six foot tall amazon of a young woman - broad-shouldered and slender-waisted. She’s never going to be waif-like; that’s not how she’s built, but she’s strong and gorgeous and she’s got legs one and a half times as long as mine.

I’m telling you this to say... don’t fret about centiles, and BMIs, and weights. Use your intuition, your common sense, and look at your whole family’s body types. If your kids don’t look overweight, and they’re active children who eat healthy food, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. Mine was a fussy eater with a big appetite, and I always took the view that if she was eating decent, nutritious food, there wasn’t much to worry about. She didn’t like many veg? Fine - give her all the ones she does like. She didn’t necessarily want to eat the stuff we ate? Fine - give her the healthy stuff she likes; pulses, beans, whole grains, good quality meat and fish, decent cheese. No crap. No sugar. No ultra-processed carbs. Real food. She didn’t get sandwiches in her lunch box (she was never keen on sandwiches); she got a hot meal in a flask.

The other thing I noticed time and time again, was that she would periodically get a ravenous appetite, be constantly hungry and be mithering all the time for food and ferociously grumpy if she didn’t get it. This would go on for a few weeks and I’d notice her getting a little podgy, then suddenly there’d be a big growth spurt; she’d shoot up and slim down, and have usually taken some developmental leap as well - mastered a new skill or matured in some way.

My point is... give them plenty of protein (and sorry, but weetabix and a banana for breakfast isn’t that - it’s a load of mega-digestible carbs) and good (ie natural - olive oil, butter) fats, moderate amounts of whole grains, minimise processed carbs and cut out sugar apart from occasional treats. They’ll self regulate.

I wholeheartedly recommend you read these books;
The Diet Myth by Tim Spector
Spoon Fed by Tim Spector
Why We Eat Too Much - the science of appetite by Andrew Jenkinson

ruining my life

hungryhippos

cry when they're in bed

sought help from my HVs, GPs and dieticians for years

speak to family and friends

so embarassed (of your own children! Who are, by your own account, not visibly overweight?!)

It is not them that's obsessed, it's you. I mean this kindly as it obviously started from/is generally from a place of wanting the best for them, but you have become obsessed with what and when they eat and children are very, very good at picking that up. You were evidently already in that mindset after the comment about your eldest and it's spiralled into obsessive thoughts and behaviour with all your children.

Get some help. As a child of someone who was the same way, it has not done our relationship any good, and it's evidently not doing you good either.

You're clearly educated on nutrition, food groups and dietary requirements Op. You don't need a dietician.

I'll try to appeal to your science brain: (all based on evidence you've given here)

Method 1: food portion sizes reduced, rigid meal and snack times, limited carbs. Result: behavioural issues in children, mood swings, disrupted sleep, a learned fear of hunger

Method 2: portion sizes increased, more healthy carbs, unlimited access to fruit, vegetables and light snacks. Result: happy children, no behavioural issues, good sleep patterns.

I wonder also if you're suffering with undiagnosed depression and anxiety? Crying a lot, struggling to sleep and feeling very anxious and overwhelmed are some signs. You know there's no such thing as a perfect parent? Be kind to yourself, take the pressure off yourself x

@therocinante

ruining my life

hungryhippos

cry when they're in bed

sought help from my HVs, GPs and dieticians for years

speak to family and friends

so embarassed (of your own children! Who are, by your own account, not visibly overweight?!)

It is not them that's obsessed, it's you. I mean this kindly as it obviously started from/is generally from a place of wanting the best for them, but you have become obsessed with what and when they eat and children are very, very good at picking that up. You were evidently already in that mindset after the comment about your eldest and it's spiralled into obsessive thoughts and behaviour with all your children.

Get some help. As a child of someone who was the same way, it has not done our relationship any good, and it's evidently not doing you good either.

Seek help for your issues around food OP.

Hi OP, this clearly isnt working for you or the kids, why not just do a no rule day for 6 months? See how it goes. Offer heaps of fruit as snacks that they can have when they want, maybe create a list of healthy things they can choose to have whenever they feel hungry. Give them some autonomy over their food intake.

One of mine was a grazer from babyhood and still is now that he’s 15. It was hard when he was little as we’d have breakfast, get ready to go somewhere and he’d be whiny the second we got in the car about being starving even though he’d only eaten an hour ago. And starving every 30 mins when we were out. I have two older kids and learnt pretty quickly just to have a ready supply of snacks on me ALL the time for peace and quiet. He’s always been skinny and still is. His pattern of eating is completely different from his siblings though, and he’d have never been able to cope with 5ree meals a day plus two snacks in between. Because he was my third I was pretty chilled about it, and he’s fine and incidentally has always been the skinniest of all my kids.

There is a lot of advice above. I do think you need to try and relax a little and then try different things to see what works best. Then go for it. If you’re concerned about feeding them more and them putting on weight then perhaps encourage them to move more to accommodate the extra food? Just a thought-an extra walk or runabout in the garden etc. Just trying to think of a way to balance it. Looking at your food diary, I think on average my child eats more, he was a hungry baby and continued this! Maybe some cereal before bed would help them to settle at night? Most importantly- do what works for you as a family, your children wouldn’t want you to be unhappy over all this, they just need you x

Your are projecting weight issues on your children and you might think that you are managing well what they eat, but I guess it depends on your culture. @Hungryhippos123

Well, from a French point of view, no wonder they are hungry because it is a high processed and sweet diet.
It is not a healthy diet. From the veggie crips, to the fish sticks, rice cakes, quorn sausages, organix muesli,
sweetcorn in pasta, ...

Yours are typical lunch/dinner but this would never appear on a French table.

For one week, remove all processed food, and all sandwich-based lunches.
Cook a piece of meat or fish (a small steak, a chicken breast, salmon, cod, ....) that isn't covered in bread crumbs or other processing. With some potatoes, green beans, tomatoes salad, carrot salad, oven roasted veggies, like zucchini or pumpkin
For dinner, same thing , or a rich soup with beans, a risotto, ....

Just for a week, remove all the .... sorry .... crap because those

• fish stick is 45% pseudo-fish, 55% crap (Surimi (45%) [Alaska Pollock (Fish) and/or Hake (Fish), Sugar], Water, Wheat Starch, Potato Starch, Rapeseed Oil, Sugar, Salt, Dried Egg White, Crab Extract (Crustacean), Flavouring, Colour (Lycopene), Dried Egg) ,
• your quorn sausage , even more crap (Mycoprotein (29%), Rehydrated Free Range Egg White, Textured Wheat Protein (Wheat Flour, Stabiliser: Sodium Alginate), Vegetable Oils (Rapeseed, Sunflower), Onion, Rusk (Wheat Flour, Salt), Seasoning (Dextrose, Yeast Extract, Wheat Flour (Wheat Flour, Calcium Carbonate, Iron, Niacin, Thiamine), Spice Extracts (Coriander, Pepper, Nutmeg), Salt, Rapeseed Oil, Antioxidant: Ascorbic Acid), Casing (Stabiliser: Sodium Alginate; Cellulose, Modified Starch), Natural Flavouring, Milk Proteins, Firming Agents: Calcium Chloride, Calcium Acetate, Roasted Barley Malt Extract)

Fake food-like substances are not satisfying for the body so of course they are hungry. Don't give pre-made custard. Why add sweetness to savoury food with (canned?) sweetcorn. And do you do your own hummus or a processed one.

clean your cupboard and adopt a French- week and see how it goes.

I’m sure this has already been said but I’m wondering if it’s because you’ve been limiting what they eat, controlling portion sizes etc and that has been counter productive making them want to eat more - so it’s become a power battle of sorts. Food has become an issue.

It would never occur to me to limit what a growing child eats, my kids can eat as much as they like as long as it’s reasonable healthy and they don’t stuff themselves before dinner.

I agree with Starsky It's sad to hear a parent unhappy and struggling emotionally. I think your issues with the children's behaviour could be improved with a different approach and mindset.

I'd love to hear how you're getting on and mumsnet can be very kind and supportive. Forget seeking the approval of doctors and find what works for you.

My kids are exactly the same and similar ages. Although they aren’t particularly overweight (dd has her check at school and high end of Normal) they have definitely both got a bit chubbier over the last lockdown.
I find it really stressful, they are constantly hungry, I have to keep a stair gate on the kitchen door to stop the younger dc climbing in the cupboards/fridge for food. I try not to buy anything too exciting but they will eat the entire contents of the fruit bowl in a few hours if they get a chance.
Like the op we can’t enjoy days out because if they know I’ve bought food they just constantly ask for it and cry about being hungry! When they aren’t at school/nursery I find the constant ‘hunger’ unbelievably wearing, they will have at 3 different breakfasts and be complaining they they are hungry again by 10am, then they just ask for food constantly until I crack and give them lunch at 11:45, Then the entire cycle repeats until dinner time 😭

The key element of your post was - they don't look overweight. They are heavy and muscular.
Based on this I don't think there is a problem. Some people are naturally healthy and strong (and therefore heavy) and that's okay. I think it's best not to worry about it. The greater risk is you inadvertently creating an issue with food for them.

Percentile ans BMI can be very misleading. Ds has always been 95-99% for both height and weight but for a few years he was noticeably and significantly overweight. He has now lost loads of weight (15% of his total weifht) grown even taller, looks amazing.... he's still on 95-99% for both and his bmi says he is overweight. I am ignoring it now.

Dd on other hand is absolutely overweight. But I am not going to restrict food for a 6 year old (and dr told me same when ds was same age). I AM trying v hard to get her food more balanced and actually I would say yours has same problem as dd - too many carbs and protein.

Getting them to fill up on veg or even fruit would be better and I am trying with dd (shes a bit fussy so not super successful but I am making progress). Try a modified slimming world concept in that at least 1/3 plate is veg, snacks like baked beans etc work and limited sugary treats.

Larger framed children (which my children, and dh's family are) need lots of exercise too. Ds turned things around when he also started doing exercise for longer periods and I am hoping for similar with dd as she gets older.

In the nicest way, I think you have some severe issues with food and possibly anxiety. I would get yourself some help for this. Your attitude towards your kids and food are not doing anyone any good.

Hi. I have not read all of the replies.
Maybe consider an occupational therapist for advise. Would they be sensory seeking? Maybe chewing gum? Crunchy foods? Maybe spicy foods or strong flavours would satisfy them for longer. There is a lot more to this area and I may be totally off the mark. Maybe it may help. Good luck

@Leafy12

That is ruining your life? You are embarrassed by them? Please spare your children's mental health but accessing therapy for yourself to address some of the glaring issues you have raised in this thread.

What @Leafy12 said.

All this ANGST and dietary analysis.

FFS just tell them to have an apple or a carrot if they say they're hungry and get on with your life.

You talk about your parents attitude to food, weight, your bulemic sister. Your parents sound unkind and toxic, you need to talk to a professional there's a lot bubbling below the surface in your mind that needs sorting through

I think many children are like this. Mine would eat lunch at 10:30am if I let them! Mine have 3 meals and 2 healthy snacks a day. Puddings are fruit or yogurt, unless maybe at a weekend and I might bake something. They quite often will complain inbetween meals/snacks they are hungry, but they just get told it's not time to eat year.

Looking at what the kids eat, I'd say they don't eat enough.

Maybe that seems a bit odd, but they don't sound overweight: they just sound like sturdy kids. Not massively so, but just taller and heavier than the 'average'.

It doesn't sound to me like you're doing anything wrong as a Mum, either. You're feeding them decent food, they get plenty of exercise and water, etc. They're getting plenty of protein and regular meals, but I'm wondering... where are the veggies? Half their plates should be veggies. Low calorie, fat-free, guilt free too, and they fill up the kids, gives them something to chow through.

As it looks like you're doing everything right, I'd think about increasing the fibre content. Sometimes when people need to feel like their bellies are full they just need more roughage. Volume foods. So, maybe add more salads, cucumber, tomatoes, more carrots, broccoli, sprouts, spring greens, cabbage, kale, etc. All pretty cheap, healthy, and presumably at mealtimes they can then eat as much of those things as they like.

Maybe get rid of the weetabix? You can make your own muesli with a small cup of ordinary (cheap as chips) oats, a spoon of value currants/sultanas, add a portion of nuts (about 16-20, depending on the nut) and add a cut-up apple/pear. There's great protein in oats, better for glycaemic load/insulin production/resistance, and you get a massive big bowl to chomp on, should keep them going 'til lunch.

They're not obese, they don't look overweight, they're very active, eating healthily and they're growing children who are chunky built. I don't see any problems there.

I am hugely concerned that they cry in bed because they're hungry. I understand this. I can't sleep if I'm even slightly hungry. I can be tired as anything but I'll lay there with my stomach growling and gurgling all night, doesn't matter how much I've eaten during the day. So if something wakes me at night, it's snack time. If I have troubles going off to sleep so I'm laying there a couple hours still half awake and those stomach gurgles start, it's snack time. Some nights I've essentially had a fourth meal. I don't get fat, but I do get some quality sleep. I naturally adjust what I eat the next day. Or at some future point, anyway. There are times I'll eat like a horse for days on end, followed by times when it's 3 light meals a day because that's all I want.

There's some science I once read said if you don't sleep right, so you're not properly rested, you crave sugary/fatty junk. I can't remember exactly what the link was between sleep and food but it was something to do with the brain's functioning, whereby lack of sleep caused junk food cravings. I have a sweet tooth, although I basically eat healthily, and will sometimes crave sugar if I've had none for a while. I could have over eaten and feel stuffed but still I'll want more, half a teaspoon of honey stops me wanting more food to eat in those circumstances. I'm probably just addicted to sugar but maybe my poor sleep doesn't help. You mentioned your DC asking for sweets so I'm wondering if being hungry at night is affecting them further during the day and making the situation worse.

I agree, many children are like this. Not long ago they were babies crying for food and comfort. They grow out of it. It's not a medical issue if healthy .Distraction techniques are useful if they are asking for food continuously.

Its very sad that they are going to bed hungry.
You obviously place great value on being slim and it sounds like you would be ashamed if they don't live up to your ideal.
They need you to relax, there are far worse things to be than a bit overweight (anorexic/bulimic).

@Hungryhippos123
I see in your anxiety the cold, dead hand of your parent's bulimia. It is very hard to be objective about children's size and their diet when you come from a background like this.
Sorry to be blunt, but please get help dealing with that legacy before you pass it along to the next generation.

The sample daily diet you posted is very lacking imo. I agree with Cormoran in her analysis of what's wrong with it.

Breakfast should include a lot more protein. Add Greek yogurt, oatmeal, eggs.

Lunch should be a mix of protein and carbs. Think meat and potatoes, literally. Or unprocessed fish (incl tinned sardines). Plus veg.

Dinner should have more protein.
Or as Cormoran suggests, a rich soup, and cheese after dinner.

Add avocados, cottage cheese, drinks of milk, sweet potatoes, green veg, baked beans, hummus, carrot sticks, mushrooms, varied fruit to each day's intake.

I would say they need more veg and fruit and definitely more carbs with their meals. There doesn't seem to be any puddings? I can't imagine breaking a weetabix in half! My baby used to eat 3 for breakfast.

I really wouldn't listen to HV or anyone else telling me my children were obese.