Children’s hunger ruining my life

[Hungryhippos123]

NC as I’ve spoken to lots of friends and family about this.

I have two lovely DC 6 and 3. They are both happy lovely children but in the overweight category and have HUGE appetites and this is literally ruining my life. It sounds dramatic but it takes over every day. I’m a physio and my husband runs a business but is an ex-PT. we are both healthy, slim, eat well, exercise. Both kids were normal birthweight, EBF but 99th centile by 6 months and have stayed there since.

I spend huge amounts of time ensuring they have a healthy balanced diet. They eat well, cooking from scratch, loads of veg, enough protein to fill them (in theory). But they are always always hungry. We tried portion control at the recommendation of an nhs dietician for 3 months solid and gave small portions but they cried constantly (every waking moment, didn’t adjust to the new portions, waking in the night hungry etc. We now do the Ellyn Satter method where we have set meal and snack times but they eat their fill of healthy food. But still between these times they constantly moan they are hungry. Now the eldest can tell the time she counts down to the snack and meal times.

Days out are ruined by them wanting the picnic or lunch but 10:30am. When we are with friends I get so embarrassed by the constant requests for food especially as they are overweight. At parties/buffets they want to eat constantly. I allow them the odd ice cream/biscuit/treat and let them to wild at parties as don’t want the single them out and Also don’t want to demonise any food and make it super exciting.

I sought help from my HVs, GPs and dieticians for years. Advice ranges between they are obese you’re a terrible mother stop feeding them rubbish (I wasn’t!), ensure they have correct portions however hungry they are (everyone was miserable), that’s just they way they are (just accept they will be obese?!). They’ve both been tested for thyroid issues/health problems but all clear. They have no other indications of a health issue, no SEN etc.

I speak to family and friends but because they don’t look obese or even overweight as they’re v heavy but strong and muscular they tell me not to worry. Or tell me I’m lucky to have good eaters and try having a fussy/low centile child. I’m so worried about the impact on their lives especially when They’re old enough to buy food or move out as I’m sure they will balloon. I go to sleep hoping they will snap out of this food obsession. I’ve looked into hypnosis etc but they don’t do that for children.

We encourage healthy diet, theyre v active walking, swimming, park lots etc. I never talk about weight, never call them greedy never say fat. We just talk about healthy choices and waiting for meal and snack not grazing.

Honestly I’m at the end of my tether. I’m close to tears every day and cry often when they’re in bed as I worry so much about it. I’m embarrassed, worried for the future and exhausted by the constant effort to stop them eating or whinging. When I’m really bad we have no rule days where I let them eat whatever all day (maybe 3 x a year). They’re so happy, well behaved, calm, chilled on those days. They eat loads but I still generally offer healthy things so it’s not a junk free for all. Part of me thinks screw it ill do this every day as it makes life 100000 x easier and we are happy but realistically I can’t.

Anyone had similar? Please be kind I’m so worried upset and am acutely aware of the risks of obesity in childhood so I don’t need to be told this more.

After years of holding birthday parties when mine were little, you can always pick out the child who has food strictly controlled at home. They're the ones with eyes like saucers at the food, and the ones that want to eat all the food usually not allowed and are (literally) like a kid in a sweet shop.

I've no idea what the actual issue is at home for you Op. Be brutally honest with yourself and try to take a step back. Something has to change because this food issue has become an all consuming issue which is negatively impacting your quality of life and that of your children.

The advice to stop, throw your diet "regime" book away and have a break for 6 months is good I think. Allow unlimited access to healthy snacks and drinks and the problems around food and hunger may resolve.

You've inadvertently created a battle ground around food, perhaps driven by your irrational fear of obesity.

I hope you're ok with these blunt responses. I think everyone can see you're very unhappy and struggling with what's best to do. All us mums are finding our way and often get this parenting thing wrong. No mum is perfect and motherhood is never a bed of roses.

I really hope you find a way to relax and enjoy your beautiful children.

That daily food plan doesn’t sound like that much OP tbh (but it’s hard to say without visually seeing the portion sizes).

Could you try allowing them unlimited access to food that is basically impossible to “make you fat” (vegetables & more filling fruits) and see what they do?

Also, it might be worth trying upping their protein and healthy fats especially in the morning.

Even as (a slim, healthy) adult - if I eat 2 weetabix or any cereal with milk in the morning, I’m hungry 1.5 hours later & that hungry feeling seems to carry on throughout the day. I do better with eggs, porridge, overnight oats or chia seed pudding.

For comparison OP here is what Dd5 eats on a typical school day. She’s very much not a morning eater and increases her intake as the day goes on.

Breakfast
Bowl of porridge w maple Syrup
3 cups of milk

Lunch at school
1 cheese sandwich
1 fruit pot (pear / berries / melon)
1 snack pot yoghurt
Water

Snack after school
Berries
Snack pack of biscuits
Toast
Apple juice
Peanuts
Rice cake

Dinner
Mashed potatoes
Carrots
Steak or fish
Water

Eve snack - bowl of Popcorn

OP, reading your daily meals, I think it’s generally a good balanced diet but they could probably do with some more food throughout the day. Mine eat a bit more than that and I do allow a mixture of snacks. They differ from each other in build and body type but I don’t worry about that. The priority is that they are eating well, are full and happy. If your children need to eat more, then let them! And in the kindest possible way, don’t worry about what others are doing or not.

I haven't read the whole thread but here's
what we do: meal times are portion controlled but there are always cut up veg like carrot sticks/cucumber in the fridge and they are more than welcome to eat their fill of those along with access to the fruit bowl.

Hi OP. I have two children the same age. What you have described wouldn’t keep my two full all day.
They generally have
Breakfast - Bowl of porridge and an apple/banana sometimes they will have a cereal bar as well.
Mid morning - usually fruit and cheese snacks (school mandate)
Lunch - they have school lunches so different every day with desserts.
Afternoon snack - (school mandate) a cereal bar/go ahead type thing
After school snack - I do a platter of crudités with carrots/cucumber/grapes/pineapple and some pitta and humus.
Dinner - salmon and boiled pots (Fridays we have “beige days” or “picnic” days where they can have chicken nuggets and chips/picnic food/nachos/fish fingers etc) Jacket spuds are a huge hit for dinners.
Before bed - a biscuit and a warm cup of milk.
That fills up my two and they are certainly not obese, they are in fact on the lower end of the scale and very slim/skinny.
I would suggest you need to be looking at giving them some more food, because they are clearly hungry if they’re asking for more food. They will regulate themselves eventually.

I was absolutely in your position. What size / shape are people in your wider family? What size was your DH at that age, and now?

My only advice is if the HV or GP question their weight then ask for a referral to a paediatrician.
If they are only getting healthy food (rather than high fat, high calorie, low nutrition food) then being hungry all the time and being obese (if they really are) could be a sign of a metabolic problem. And a Pediatrician may well be able to reassure you far more than strangers who haven't even seen your children.
And sometimes, especially for active children going hours between meals can be too long, they may need snacks - 3 meals a day is not really that "natural".

With the portion control you need to stick to healthier portions for quite to let their bodies adjust. Do gradual reductions, start by keeping the volume of food on the plate the same but swapping for lower calorie options.

I have DC aged 4 and 6 and they both eat a lot more then that. They aren't overweight but are towards the higher end of the healthy range. I feel like they eat loads but they have stayed in the same percentiles pretty much since they were born. I think is their weight is consistent and they don't appear overweight and aren't having problems due to their weight (like struggling to keep up with friends) you should ditch all of this worrying and just let them be.

I haven't read all the posts in the thread, so I apologise if this has been suggested already...

Do you think it's possible that they're not actually hungry? That they're maybe asking for food because it's pleasurable and staves off boredom/dulls uncomfortable emotions? Young children can have difficulty discriminating between these sorts of feelings...

So 6 year old is generally in 7-8 and 3 year old in 3-4 and 4-5 stuff. I haven’t done height or weight for a while but looking at them they’re v average height but feel heavier than friends kids (well younger anyway I don’t generally pick up other peoples 6 year olds often!). They aren’t rolly, double chinned etc or anything like that.

My niece and my second boy are almost exactly the same age. I remember when they were both nearly six months old, EBF babies they looked roughly the same size. They definitely occupied the same volume of space, IYSWIM.

When I picked up my niece I nearly threw her over my shoulder. My son was just denser and always has been. He was born with visible biceps. (He was also well over 10 pounds and off the chart for length...)

He’s 5 now and I’ll be honest I don’t know what he weighs. He’s not skinny but there’s not any excess fat on him. Those biceps are still defined but after a total stick of a first child he’s a very different body shape. He’s much more solid. But he’s fit and active and strong and if he wants to eat All The Apples that’s ok by me.

I think it’s fine to keep an eye on your kids’ weights (I do with mine) but I do think you need to loosen the reins a bit. A bottomless supply of cherry tomatoes, carrot sticks and plain rice cakes isn’t going to cause them any issues but may get them away from their current obsession.

Hi, I work in a nursery and have met children like yours.

We have had children who want to constantly eat non stop and will cry when the food finishes even when they have had thirds.

I have no help for you unfortunately. But you are not alone.

OP, seriously, this is your issue - you used phrases like “ruining your life”, that you were embarrassed by your children.

One of your children is THREE but you do a ‘method’ with timed feedings to manage their eating!

Cant you see the damage you are already doing?

And yet the people who are pointing this out are unkind? And then you try to undo all of what you’ve said by trying make out it isn’t that bad?

With respect, it is that bad.

You clearly have huge issues with their food, weight, eating. YOU have issues. Not them.

They aren’t 10 and 13 therefore far enough along in terms of cognitive development to understand certain conversations.

One of them is 3. The other is 6. The three year old has grown up her whole life surrounded by this constant low-level hum from you about food/weight/restriction/managing appetite their whole life already. No matter how unobtrusive it may feel to you, I guarantee that to them it absolutely isn’t - the subliminal and unconscious messages and cues you are giving off will be scattered about all over ther pkace and they will both have absorbed them all.

The behaviour in your house around food is being driven by you. Cook meals, let them eat if they are hungry. They WILL self-regulate their appetite. It will take time and it may seem as if they are eating more while that happens, but it will happen.

Please leave them be.

Really tough OP and I’m sorry this is clearly stressing you out. It’s so easy to get hung up on food - too much, too little etc, too heavy, too skinny. I get it’s really tough, but I think you need to let go and apply firm logic (I say this with empathy and kindness). You cannot possibly control what’s happening in their bodies and minds. You’re doing all the right things, an absolutely super job - healthy food, cooking from scratch, lots of exercise, testing for anything wrong, consulting a dietician etc. Logically, there is only so much you can do before natural will take its course. Keeping beating yourself like this will only achieve the same outcome it is doing now - making you miserable.

I have two (4 and 1) both of whom are big ( for context, I’m very slight and slim, my husband is much bigger built and overweight - but he eats a tonne of crap so to be expected)! My kids both look bigger than peers and have much bigger frames than I do, or did at their age. They eat a reasonable diet, with my 4 year old having treats like cake / ice cream at weekends. We are out daily for exercise. My 4 year old probably has 2/3 snacks a day and 3 meals. I probably say yes to snacks 80% of the time (but sometimes make it small, like a couple of grapes, strawberry or one organix gingerbread man). She says she’s hungry frequently - sometimes she’s 100% just bored. No real advice, more empathy but what’s worked for us;

• porridge in a morning (with nut butter or fruit) -‘weetabix is notorious in my family for leaving you hungry
• saying yes to snacks but two options and keeping them small
• getting out am / pm (not always possible but mind over matter)
• the times i say no to snacks, I’m quite firm and dismissive (nope, sorry I haven’t brought anything today. Shall we go on the swings’)
• I actively don’t focus on, or worry about, their weight. I focus on healthy choices (but casually, not re-emphasising all the time), staying active, having fun together and minimise food as much as possible.

They don’t sound like they’re eating a massive amount tbh. 1.5 weetabix for breakfast isn’t much, my 14 month old smashes two plus a banana most mornings.

I think the problem is with you and not them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some people naturally have big appetites. You are giving them healthy food and encouraging them to exercise, but the rest is down to nature.

I'll give you an idea of what my kids eat:

breakfast: 2 wheatabix or 2 crumpets, maybe boiled egg with 1.5 slices of bread and butter

snack: at school DD6 can pick 1 or 2 portions of fruit, at home DD4 will have a yogurt and a whole apple and maybe a couple of biscuits

lunch: dd6 school dinner which she usually finishes. DD4 peanut butter sandwich with 1 slice of bread, mini cucumber, dairylea dunker, 3 or 4 strawberries and a small bag of mini cookies or small cake

afternoon snack: cherry tomatoes, breadsticks, cheese, or maybe a brioche

dinner: 1 chicken drumstick, a serving spoon of rice or potatoes, 2 good portions of veg, small pudding

It seems like they eat absolutely loads, they would be starving on what your kids are having

I haven’t read the whole thread OP, but that does not sound like a lot of food. Both of my children are skinny beans (though DD9 was very solid and heavy until about the age of 6).
DS6 is permanently hungry and I will admit most people would be if they saw what he ate for breakfast, but just to put it in perspective, he will have two weetabix topped with fruit and a small token handful of cheerio type loops on top, FOLLOWED BY a bowl of porridge with blueberries (as this is what his sister has). He often tells me that he is still hungry after and at that point I do put my foot down, but if I gave him only 1.5 weetabix he would be crying too!
I can see his ribs and his stomach muscles.

Are you sure it isn’t just their builds?

And what is the worst that could happen if you gave them unlimited access to chopped veg sticks and rice cakes? Have you ever relaxed things for a week or so, like when on holiday? Have you actually seen their weight balloon? You might did that they just burn it off and stay as they are.

** minimising (i.e. not making a big deal out of food / eating) not minimise as in portion control! Good lord, I’m going to get myself into all sorts of trouble 😂

I have a 6 and 7 year old, who probably eat more than your ‘normal day’ and a junk item each day too. The 6 year is a skinny mini and eats the most (eg she’s eating a bigger serving of pasta than me for dinner), the 7 year old is heavier built. They were weighed in reception and deemed ‘normal’.

I’m no expert but the description of food consumption, appearance, clothes size etc makes them sound pretty normal and not overweight/obese.

So long as they’re running around and look fine, I’d say they are fine.

I think they’re okay as they are. They’re overweight but not majorly so.

I was chubby as a kid and actually had stomach pouch and thick thighs. Used to feel huge next to my slim besties. Then I puberty and my figure completely changed and I’ve been a slim hourglass since the age of 12. I probably went from a size 12 to a size 8 from the change in my torso alone. I’m the same size as the same slim friends now.

I think you also need to lessen how important food is. If they think treats are forbidden fruit, they’re only going to want them more. I think buy the crisps etc but buy the cheap or poor tasting versions? So when they snack, they find the experience mediocre/unsatisfying. Then simultaneously ramp up the taste for actual meals so eventually they prefer them.

My sons were both nearly 10lbs at birth and on the 98th percentile. My elder son started nursery when he was 1 and this is what he ate in a day:

2 weetabix or ready brek made with full fat milk
1 banana for morning snack
Home made pasta bolognese or fish pie or casserole and plain full fat Greek yogurt with strawberries or raspberries, a baby cereal bar
Organix puffed crisps or buttered soreen mid afternoon
Home made tea - pasta, fish, baked sweet potato with more fruit and yoghurt for pudding
A 9oz bottle of formula at bed time
He only drank water during the day.
He is now a young adult, just over 6 foot. Excellent at self regulation and eating to fullness etc.

You need to feed them nutritious food that is calorie dense. Full fat dairy, plenty of carbohydrates and not brown ones, meat, fish, eggs and beans. Rice cakes are pointless, what about oat cakes, you can get fruit and chocolate ones and they are really nice. Do they have butter on their bread or toast and some nice low sugar conserve or jam? What about crumpets or brioche for breakfast?

What are their heights and weights? Are they actually overweight? Or just heavier and taller than average? I mean my 7 year old needs 11Y clothes - he's actually underweight, just tall.

My ds can eat 3 weetabix plus toast for breakfast, that's one meal I would ever portion control, they haven't eaten for 12 hours and they grow in their sleep!