Children’s hunger ruining my life

[Hungryhippos123]

NC as I’ve spoken to lots of friends and family about this.

I have two lovely DC 6 and 3. They are both happy lovely children but in the overweight category and have HUGE appetites and this is literally ruining my life. It sounds dramatic but it takes over every day. I’m a physio and my husband runs a business but is an ex-PT. we are both healthy, slim, eat well, exercise. Both kids were normal birthweight, EBF but 99th centile by 6 months and have stayed there since.

I spend huge amounts of time ensuring they have a healthy balanced diet. They eat well, cooking from scratch, loads of veg, enough protein to fill them (in theory). But they are always always hungry. We tried portion control at the recommendation of an nhs dietician for 3 months solid and gave small portions but they cried constantly (every waking moment, didn’t adjust to the new portions, waking in the night hungry etc. We now do the Ellyn Satter method where we have set meal and snack times but they eat their fill of healthy food. But still between these times they constantly moan they are hungry. Now the eldest can tell the time she counts down to the snack and meal times.

Days out are ruined by them wanting the picnic or lunch but 10:30am. When we are with friends I get so embarrassed by the constant requests for food especially as they are overweight. At parties/buffets they want to eat constantly. I allow them the odd ice cream/biscuit/treat and let them to wild at parties as don’t want the single them out and Also don’t want to demonise any food and make it super exciting.

I sought help from my HVs, GPs and dieticians for years. Advice ranges between they are obese you’re a terrible mother stop feeding them rubbish (I wasn’t!), ensure they have correct portions however hungry they are (everyone was miserable), that’s just they way they are (just accept they will be obese?!). They’ve both been tested for thyroid issues/health problems but all clear. They have no other indications of a health issue, no SEN etc.

I speak to family and friends but because they don’t look obese or even overweight as they’re v heavy but strong and muscular they tell me not to worry. Or tell me I’m lucky to have good eaters and try having a fussy/low centile child. I’m so worried about the impact on their lives especially when They’re old enough to buy food or move out as I’m sure they will balloon. I go to sleep hoping they will snap out of this food obsession. I’ve looked into hypnosis etc but they don’t do that for children.

We encourage healthy diet, theyre v active walking, swimming, park lots etc. I never talk about weight, never call them greedy never say fat. We just talk about healthy choices and waiting for meal and snack not grazing.

Honestly I’m at the end of my tether. I’m close to tears every day and cry often when they’re in bed as I worry so much about it. I’m embarrassed, worried for the future and exhausted by the constant effort to stop them eating or whinging. When I’m really bad we have no rule days where I let them eat whatever all day (maybe 3 x a year). They’re so happy, well behaved, calm, chilled on those days. They eat loads but I still generally offer healthy things so it’s not a junk free for all. Part of me thinks screw it ill do this every day as it makes life 100000 x easier and we are happy but realistically I can’t.

Anyone had similar? Please be kind I’m so worried upset and am acutely aware of the risks of obesity in childhood so I don’t need to be told this more.

Big and strong with dense bones?

That’s what the paediatrician said about the boys and my gp describes me as having ‘heavy bones’ because I weigh more than they would expect.

I think the clue here is whether they just moan for food or if they are actually crying and wailing and having a full on meltdown?

If they are just constantly nagging then I'd assume it's habit - like they had at school but the teacher didn't engage and so they stopped.

You can do the same at home.

Breakfast is at x time. Choice of 3 things.

Snacks at x time. Choice of 3 things. Etc for all meals.

Fruit bowl with carrots etc available on dining table at all times.

And disengage. "I'm hungry" just gets the answer "you know where the fruit bowl is"

It's not denying food or controlling it and it's actually making food obsession so boring as well by not rewarding the moans with attention.

When you go out and about get them each a small backpack you put snacks in. And do the same - "I'm hungry" "well you have snacks" and change subject or disengage.

@MrsKoala

Big and strong with dense bones?

That’s what the paediatrician said about the boys and my gp describes me as having ‘heavy bones’ because I weigh more than they would expect.

Absolutely. The issue regarding health is body fat. FAT not weight. It really does not matter how heavy you are. What matters is how much fat you are carrying. In the same vein, skinny-fat people are people with tiny light bones and little muscle mass who may be small in size but all they are is fat. Lots of people in Asia like this. Diabetes is prevalent and to look at with clothes on, you wouldn't be able to understand why such small people have developed diabetes until you realise that they have an extraordinarily high body fat %.

Do you think they might have OCD - might explain the compulsiveness. Do either you or your husband have it? it takes many different forms so it might show up as tics/tidiness/ health obsessions/anxieties.

@godmum56 no return? Op has updated several times. She might have just been busy in the last 4 hours with, you know, life?

@Hungryhippos123 I absolutely sympathise. I know what it's like to have a child whose hunger dictates your every waking moment and overshadows every activity. I don't think your title is hyperbole. Perhaps your children are not actually obese because of how hard you work to moderate their intake. Well done!
In our case, my daughter has a wide range of medical problems. We are not sure really why she's the way she is but we assume it's genetic or from her unusual brain anatomy. We are under lots of medical specialities for her various difficulties but one study we've been a part of is GOOS (genetics of obesity). There's lots of info on the study website about why some people don't lost weight no matter how hard they try, or why others seem insatiable. I'm not suggesting your children are eligible for the study. That's up to you and your medical team. It's just useful and interesting reading so thought I'd point it out, as well as showing you some solidarity away from the 'it's in your head' brigade.

I’m concerned cos judging by the menu of food that you said they eat, my one year old niece eats more than that now! I would let them eat until they are not hungry, children won’t over eat at that age, I certainly wouldn’t be listening to health visitors who don’t know your child like you do

My DD 5 is also a big eater. She is in the normal range - just but would carrying eating and snacking all day if she was able. At parties and play dates ( when we were allowed them) she would be the child sitting at the table finishing everything in sight while others played...

I just wanted to share a strategy that has worked for us ( apologies if it has been already mentioned up thread). Once DD has finished her portion she is allowed a small amount of Seconds. However if she can see left overs then she often claims to still be hungry. We refuse thirds and she has to leave the table... to wait 20 minutes. After that she can ask again if she is still hungry. (the idea is that it can take 20 mins for the brain to recognise the tummy is full). She has only come back for another helping a handful of times - I really think this is method is helping her learn when she has had enough- something that she doesn’t seem to naturally recognise herself.

It certainly helps keeping things cheerful as she gets down knowing that we’ve not said ‘no’ but ‘later’.

I haven't RTFT but having looked at what your children eat in a day OP, I think the reason for their constant hunger is that they are lacking FATS. Children need a far, far higher percentage of good fats per day than adults. They need it for growth and they burn much more fat than adults when making energy. Try more fats and fewer carbs and I think you'll find that helps.

I mean this very kindly op because you sound really down but you need to find a way to relax over this, even if it involves talking to someone for yourself. I was brought up by a mother who projected very complex and shame-motivated attitudes to food onto me and it has absolutely fucked up my relationship with food for life. In particular please stop finding this embarrassing and please stop caring what other people think. The judginess of others is not worth sacrificing your children’s relationship with food.

I'm confused, they're obese but dont look overweight? How?

children are 242 times more likely to develop an eating disorder than Type 2 diabetes

Horseshit. Not many children develop T2 diabetes while they are still children but obesity in childhood is one of the main predictors of getting T2DM later in life. You can't ignore it just because it takes a while to have an effect. That's like looking at smokers in their twenties and saying that smokers are more likely to die from setting themselves on fire than lung cancer. That would be true while they're in their 20s, but it would be ignoring the fact that the damage they are doing to their lungs will take some years to show up, but is ultimately a much greater risk.

I've not read the whole thread so I'm sorry if this is out of line or already been covered.

My DSis has an unhealthy obsession with food and exercise, always has. She won't eat for days or just have a mouthful then exercise like crazy. She is incredibly underweight.

She passed her obsession on to her 3 DC and counted every calorie they ate, even from babies. They're late teens now and they are all obese. Because eating was such a 'thing' and monitored so closely, all 3 of them now secretly eat, go to the shop and buy cakes and chocolate and hide it away.

I'm not saying this is you but you seem very watchful about food. Could this be having a negative effect? Are they wanting what they can't have iyswim?

I had a health visitor tell me my son was obese at 9 months old. But he was 9lb 12oz born and 65cm long. He was a big hungry baby. Always a little chub he's now 16 and 6ft 3 and could hide behind a lamppost. I would just let them eat and as long as its healthy they will be fine. I think the hv have a bad habit of making mom's feel like they are always wrong. I never took my son back to weigh clinic and he reached all his milestones.
3

Is the food not about food? Attention?

[quote OhWifey]@Hungryhippos123 I absolutely sympathise. I know what it's like to have a child whose hunger dictates your every waking moment and overshadows every activity. I don't think your title is hyperbole. Perhaps your children are not actually obese because of how hard you work to moderate their intake. Well done!
In our case, my daughter has a wide range of medical problems. We are not sure really why she's the way she is but we assume it's genetic or from her unusual brain anatomy. We are under lots of medical specialities for her various difficulties but one study we've been a part of is GOOS (genetics of obesity). There's lots of info on the study website about why some people don't lost weight no matter how hard they try, or why others seem insatiable. I'm not suggesting your children are eligible for the study. That's up to you and your medical team. It's just useful and interesting reading so thought I'd point it out, as well as showing you some solidarity away from the 'it's in your head' brigade. [/quote]
I also have sympathy. My dc2 and dc3 are like this - dc2 also has ASD and some other physical differences, as does their father, and I always wonder if there's something physiologically different. I am lucky in a sense that my other DC is quite slim and picky, so people maybe believe me (slightly) more.

As this thread shows, people who aren't in the situation rarely understand. There's always a lot of 'wow you're so blessed, I wish mine would eat more". Or they think that the children are big because you restrict their appetite, instead of vice versa. Or people who say that maybe portions aren't big enough, as they have for you - well if that were the case, my DCs wouldn't be overweight! Often I find that when people talk about the huge amounts their child eats, when I catch up they actually just snack loads but pick at food, or eat huge breakfasts but hate school dinners and leave them completely etc.

We've also tried the Satter method. After 3 months of bowls of rice and pasta as big as my head, and my DC expanding to only fit into the 'husky' clothing ranges, we stopped it and went back to portion control. My friend swears that going gluten free turned her hungry DC's appetite around - I can't see why it would work but am.tempted to try.

I don't have the answer, but do want to give solidarity.

BMI hasn’t been discredited, there are some drawbacks and using it in conjunction with other measures such as waist circumference is more accurate. It’s very unusual for women and children to have sufficient muscle mass to make it inaccurate as without testosterone that amount of muscle is quite unlikely. In children early growth spurt and puberty can make comparing to age average inaccurate. It’s not true that weight doesn’t matter, only fat proportion. Very muscular people also have problems because your heart has to work a lot harder to pump around the increased bulk. Also if fat is quoted as a percentage someone of 13 stone would have much more fat than someone of 8 stone with the same % fat.
OP says that she’s spoken to several HCP and a dietitian so surely the kids must have been accurately weighed and measured and there was a problem or they wouldn’t be referred, the dietitian thought it necessary to restrict portions which does indicate that they were eating too much food? Kids often nag for food when they’re bored. I’d personally stick to the dietitian recommendation and allow free veg based snacks in addition if nagging for food. Maybe some plain yogurt with fruit purée or similar. Vegetable soup.

I posted this yesterday but children are 242 times more likely to develop an eating disorder than Type 2 diabetes

That is because children don't tend to get Type 2 diabetes - it is more likely to develop in adulthood.

OP, I've just read your posts, not the whole thread - you mention veggie pasta and veggie sausages - are they vegetarians?

Are you sure they are overweight?

We have very slim friends who had 2 kids just like this. They were constantly hungry and nagging for food and they were less disciplined about quality than you sound. They did nothing, made sure the kids didn't go hungry. Kids are now 14 and 12 and I would say skinnier than average. They just lost it when they had a growth spurt.

@AliceMcK Did you read my second post. Let me clarify. I do not think it’s sad that an 8 year old hasn’t had Coke. I think it’s sad that the little girl felt under such pressure about it that she felt she had to lie.

Please climb down from your high horse. I I had no idea until after the child had drank the inch of coke that she wasn’t allowed. The first I knew of it was the little girl told me “that’s the first time.., I’ve ever had coke.. I’m going to have to lie when I go home”I made absolutely no comment either way one because 1) I was surprised 2) I didn’t want to say anything that might undermine the Mummy such as “what harm will it do” 3) appear to condone lying to parents. I reacted by saying “really”and didn’t offer any more. I didn’t make a big deal of the lying comment as it was a birthday celebration and it wasn’t the time to deliver moral lessons to my daughters classmate who I don’t know very well. I have only ever had contact with at parties. I deduced that the mother was exceptionally strict from the constant comments the little girl makes. BTW if you were bringing your daughters friends on a picnic do you provide parents with a full list of every possible food/drink that may pass their lips beforehand? I don’t. I never have been given such info and would never expect anyone too. I obviously check if anyone has a gluten free diet or has a nut allergy but besides that I’d expect parents to inform me of any special dietary requirements. If people are kind enough to look after and feed my children I tell my children to eat up and say thank you. Yes sometimes they get things that I don’t really approve of and wouldn’t give them but I accept that you have to take the rough with the smooth.

2 suggestions.constant water supply.can add ice...//fixes filled up urge,even briefly.

1. dunno how subtly suggest this.not means as judgement just suggestion- reaction provoking pattern maybe?

This is a mom issue. You're setting them up for disordered eating. To look at me you would never think I weigh as much as I do, as I am normal-sized. However, I have very heavy bones and muscles. According to the charts I am obese, but my very wise doctor said to ignore the charts.

There are wide variations in body density. If your children don't look fat, and you've said they don't, then your obsession with what they eat will eventually communicate itself to them and effect their perceptions of themselves.

Knock it off, mom. You're letting your issues hurt your children.

To he honest my 4 year old will eat more than that at breakfast. She eats less in the evening if she's had a decent breakfast and dinner, maybe they need a bigger breakfast? Or more protein in the morning?