Children’s hunger ruining my life

[Hungryhippos123]

NC as I’ve spoken to lots of friends and family about this.

I have two lovely DC 6 and 3. They are both happy lovely children but in the overweight category and have HUGE appetites and this is literally ruining my life. It sounds dramatic but it takes over every day. I’m a physio and my husband runs a business but is an ex-PT. we are both healthy, slim, eat well, exercise. Both kids were normal birthweight, EBF but 99th centile by 6 months and have stayed there since.

I spend huge amounts of time ensuring they have a healthy balanced diet. They eat well, cooking from scratch, loads of veg, enough protein to fill them (in theory). But they are always always hungry. We tried portion control at the recommendation of an nhs dietician for 3 months solid and gave small portions but they cried constantly (every waking moment, didn’t adjust to the new portions, waking in the night hungry etc. We now do the Ellyn Satter method where we have set meal and snack times but they eat their fill of healthy food. But still between these times they constantly moan they are hungry. Now the eldest can tell the time she counts down to the snack and meal times.

Days out are ruined by them wanting the picnic or lunch but 10:30am. When we are with friends I get so embarrassed by the constant requests for food especially as they are overweight. At parties/buffets they want to eat constantly. I allow them the odd ice cream/biscuit/treat and let them to wild at parties as don’t want the single them out and Also don’t want to demonise any food and make it super exciting.

I sought help from my HVs, GPs and dieticians for years. Advice ranges between they are obese you’re a terrible mother stop feeding them rubbish (I wasn’t!), ensure they have correct portions however hungry they are (everyone was miserable), that’s just they way they are (just accept they will be obese?!). They’ve both been tested for thyroid issues/health problems but all clear. They have no other indications of a health issue, no SEN etc.

I speak to family and friends but because they don’t look obese or even overweight as they’re v heavy but strong and muscular they tell me not to worry. Or tell me I’m lucky to have good eaters and try having a fussy/low centile child. I’m so worried about the impact on their lives especially when They’re old enough to buy food or move out as I’m sure they will balloon. I go to sleep hoping they will snap out of this food obsession. I’ve looked into hypnosis etc but they don’t do that for children.

We encourage healthy diet, theyre v active walking, swimming, park lots etc. I never talk about weight, never call them greedy never say fat. We just talk about healthy choices and waiting for meal and snack not grazing.

Honestly I’m at the end of my tether. I’m close to tears every day and cry often when they’re in bed as I worry so much about it. I’m embarrassed, worried for the future and exhausted by the constant effort to stop them eating or whinging. When I’m really bad we have no rule days where I let them eat whatever all day (maybe 3 x a year). They’re so happy, well behaved, calm, chilled on those days. They eat loads but I still generally offer healthy things so it’s not a junk free for all. Part of me thinks screw it ill do this every day as it makes life 100000 x easier and we are happy but realistically I can’t.

Anyone had similar? Please be kind I’m so worried upset and am acutely aware of the risks of obesity in childhood so I don’t need to be told this more.

Sympathy
My sons have turned into little chunks
Lockdown and some emotional issues
They ducking eat all the time

I hide sugar and try and cook healthy but I’m also embarrassed

So understand

I would suggest taking out the carbs of the evening meals. When I eat carbs in the evening I’m ravenous the next morning.

Is it habit rather than hunger? Are they similar when at school, or too busy and distracted? Maybe a more substantial lunch.

So ARE they actually overweight? Or are you keeping your healthy children hungry because they 'feel' heavy or wear bigger clothes? Clothes size doesn't tell you much if they are also taller than average.

I spent the babyhoods being pestered by HV as my bf babies born big were coming done the centile charts - as toddlers and children had few times either us or someone else has had concerns then month or two later they've shot up.

Feed them healthy stuff mostly and keep them active and chances are it will all be fine.

....

My 11 year old is overweight but I've no idea how. He eats well, very rarely snacks, drinks water only, we don't have sweets etc in the house. He runs 3 times a week and can run 5k around 30 minutes, he also walks 6 miles with us at weekends with no issues and does hiit. I've no idea how he's overweight either. I'm hoping it's going to drop off in teenage years.

Rereading your OP, I can't help feeling there's something of panic in your response to food - a strong fear of a loss of control. Your saying that you're 'sure they'll balloon' when they move out and are no longer under your control is quite eloquent in that regard. I also noticed that you thought we were going to lecture you about childhood obesity*, and I'm sure you've noted the contrast with the replies you've actually received. I think professional help unpicking this could be really useful in helping you sustain the changes you really do need to make. Because it does sound as if you are too rigid and limiting and that it's already causing damage.

*The constant, paternalistic, morally charged public health discourse around what's 'healthy' and 'unhealthy' particularly directed at parents and exemplified by your HV, is almost certainly not helping.

Are they acruelly fat as opposed to heavy? Your meal plan doesn't sound like much to me. I would feed them more - keeping it healthy of course! I.come from a family where we are slim but eat loads, especially when young. As a 20 year old working a physical holiday job I used to eat 8 Weetabix - my skinny older brother are 12. Daily.

I hope I’m not misunderstanding OP, but if you’re saying they don’t look overweight but are just very muscly and solid, then isn’t the most likely explanation that they aren’t overweight (for them)?

I think the simplest explanation is usually the right one and this appears to be it. Has a doctor or HV ever spontaneously expressed real concern to you? If not I would just assume they are developing early in some ways and not worry till they actually look overweight.

In terms of the asking for food, which I do understand must be unsettling, could you up their protein quite dramatically? Eg eggs for breakfast, chicken for lunch, more meat, less pasta for dinner. I know adults and kids are different but I would be starving in 5 mins if I ate cereal for breakfast. If you can’t afford too much meat/oily fish, then lots of pulses are next best thing - but meat is super filling. Also, some people do find refined carbs trigger an endless appetite - I know it might be unusual in kids, but could you also knock off things like pasta and replace with lentil or whole meal pasta etc, replace cereal with porridge and add yogurt (I don’t mean don’t have refined carbs at parties I mean everyday.)

Also try not to distress yourself by imagining they will be obsessively hungry at 11. Kids change a lot as they get older.

I would really experiment with lots more protein, worth a go anyway.

Were you an overweight child or are you now? I wonder if there is some projection going on.

I think you’re right to be concerned. It could be as simple as they’re bored so thinking about food too much, and are eating mostly carbs so not feeling as satisfied between meals.

I would reduce the appeal of the snacks (veggie sticks, plain yoghurt, unsalted nuts, that sort of thing) but make them always available, and push protein at every meal - especially breakfast. Hopefully this would reduce the boredom snacking, and reduce calorie intake while also reducing their hunger.

I fear you will end up doing exactly the thing you are trying to avoid. By not allowing your children to eat intuitively now, you will set them on a road of binging as soon as they have their own access to food.

I have always let my kids eat what they want. When me youngest was two he never ate and even now he still grazes. Let them find their own appetite now before you give them disordered eating habits for life.

I have a 13 month old who I kid you not eats like a 10 year old. He scares me but is not overweight - no idea how. I empathise with the anxiety you feel and the lack of guidance or help available. I was an overweight child/teen and had to lose it all as a young adult so don’t want that for them. I’ve been slim and healthy since 20 but it was tough!

I never know if what I’m doing is right.

It sounds like it’s wearing you down to the point of despair though so I think regardless you need to ease up on it. Your MH is just as important as their weight.
It doesn’t sound like they’re so overweight people would look and think ‘wow that’s a huge kid’ they just weigh a lot and are sturdy/strong.

I would give yourself a full months break. Take their BMI now and then literally switch off to it for a month. As many healthy snacks and as much healthy food as they like. No timing, controlling or organising it.
Maybe make up healthy snack boxes so they aren’t asking you every 5 minutes and just get out and about as much as possible so they’re physically active. Live the next month happy and carefree!

At the end recalculate their BMI and see what damage has been done, if it’s bad then back to the drawing board but perhaps it’ll kick them out of the habit of focusing on food so much.

Xx

@MyLordWizardKing

Have you already tried having a prolonged 'no rules' period, for perhaps a week or so? You might find they will learn to self-regulate their intake after a few days, the older DC at least.

I wondered this.

Do you think they might want it because they can't have it, or so to speak? Not saying you're keeping your kids hungry btw! But kids always want what they can't have and I wonder if you left them to it for a week or so, would they get bored and move onto something else?

My kids are slim but also 3 and 6 and never go long without requiring a snack. It does my head in some days. I will be trying to get on and requests for snacks come in. I think boredom has certainly played a huge part in it this last year. My eldest wasn't at school and so she wanted to eat and eat and eat.

I think a planner will be worth a try. Stick with the plan and time when it's a day at home.

7.30 toast or cereal.

10.00am piece of fruit biscuit or yoghurt.

12.00-12.30 lunch

3.00 crackers or crisps or fruit

Then that's it until teatime.

Obviously change the above to the snacks or meals. I'm sorry if someones written this suggestion already. But hopefully it will train their brains.

My kids ask for food when we are out too.

It sounds like you are doing normal things so I wouldn't overthink it. Perhaps it is genetics to an extent. My six year olds lanky and tell. Absolutely did not get that from me. Her dads family have some really tall people. Where as we are all quite short. Just is the way it is.
Even their eyes are blue and ours are brown. Sometimes it's just what you make!

Porridge or wheetabix for breakfast or bran flakes. Muller light yoghurts low fat cheese etc in fridge and only wholemeal bread. No snacks other than fruit. Mum I'm hungry isit dinner time? No bit here are some carrot sticks. Works well here and my dd aged 11 is coping well as she's 8st13 and 5ft2 and over weight

Could you do porridge for breakfast,
Unlimited food like carrots, cucumber sticks, as snacks, or sliced up apples.
Things that have low calories but easy to have on hand?
That way you can ditch the crisps and sweet snacks.

OP I think you need to reread your post with a slightly critical eye. You repeatedly say you are embarrassed by your 3 and 6 year.. are you really saying you are ashamed of your children just because of their eating habits? I repeat a 3 and 6 year old???

Educate yourself about disordered eating and please stop treating your children this way... they will soon, if they haven't already, start to understand that their mum, who is meant to love them unconditionally, is 'embarrassed' by them due to their eating habits. Despite your beliefs re: healthy eating, this really isn't the best start in life for them from a mental health perspective.

Are you sure they are eating enough?
I mean this in a kind way but I have seen some one berate their child for being hungry after what the parent described as an enormous meal only the meal was mainly green leaves and matchstick size pieces of carrots and beetroot.

At their ages I would let them eat what they want and not be too worried about weight and BMI
Usually from the children I have seen who you can’t fill at a young age they end up being super tall and super skinny as teens.

Maybe take away the mystique around food and have it available but fill their time with activities.

Obsessing over food will just make it more appealing and whilst you might not think you are, children will notice your monitoring their food.

If i was to offer advice on their diet I would say either to turn the eating times around and have the lasagna for breakfast and the Wheatabix and omelette for lunch or dinner and drop the glass of milk before bed.
Or look at the protein portions especially in the evening meal. Steer clear of carbs being the main ingredient and maybe give them a 6 egg omelette with a load of cheese and broccoli, mushrooms and salad with lashings of olive oil. Meat and green veg and green salad (we eat salad with everything)

Honestly, given that they seem at worse slightly overweight rather than morbidly obese, I think you need to stop letting this cause so much anxiety and distress.

Give them the chance to truly self regulate and they may well lose some of their interest in food. I think you’re at risk of damaging your relationship with them and giving them a complex around food, and that’s probably a bigger concern than being a bit chunky before a growth spurt.

Maybe they need an extra meal?

I honestly think if the children are eating healthy natural foods and not junk foods or sweets, then let them have what they need. It would be far worse to make food into a big issue of good or bad, and it rarely helps.
My neice has been on a diet and its miserable to watch a small child being told to stop after half a jacket potato. Eating disorder waiting to happen. Being hungry is miserable for some people. My partner for instance doesnt suffer when hungry, he just knows he needs to eat, but if I get hungry, I cant think and feel emotional and ill. Im not diabetic. My dad is the same.
Give your kids an extra sandwich

If they are on the 99th Centile, what's their hieight Centiles?

Both my DC ate like horses and were deemed big when they were younger. The eldest got teased a little about his size. They are both big and strong and wore at least 2-3 years above their age.

They never ate junk and ate good food and had massive appetites. My eldest, now 16, is nearly 6 foot and like a bean pole. The other was a bit overweight and it is now coming off as he grows taller. I can't remember the last time either of them was off sick. They are both very strong and healthy boys. I kind of knew this was how it was going to pan out as all my nieces and nephews were a bit big and then lost it in teens and are very healthy adults.

Bear in mind that even a young child's calorie needs are only slightly less than an adult's. A moderately active 3 year old needs up 1000-1400 calories a day, and a 6 year old 1400-1600.

I suspect the issue is two-fold: they are genuinely somewhat hungry because you are not feeding them quite enough (though with the best of intentions), but they are also obsessing about food because you are restricting it too much. It's quite concerning that they have already developed disordered eating at such an early age.

I agree with PPs saying you should step back and let them learn to self-regulate.