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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your dh/dp can look after the children independently?

415 replies

Neonprint · 30/04/2021 08:53

Can your dp/dh/father of your children look after them on his own? Two children aged 18 months and 4.5? Or just tow under 5. No additional needs or SEN.

If so for how long? What set up support would be needed if any? For example getting clothes out, sorting food etc. If he did look after them alone would he manage well or just cope?

Is this something which happens regularly in your home? Or would it be like you owed him something and he'd be a bit put out?

To be full transparent just having a conversation with a friend and she felt it's normal her dh can't really (doesn't want to) have the children on his own. When she is out of the house. I don't think this is normal and most fathers can do childcare independently even for pre school age. I look after the kids I know although I love them it's not easy!

I think she thinks what men can do and what they should ideally do are different. So is it unreasonable of me to think a father should look after two children that age? Not sure if I'm being unrealistic?

OP posts:
minniemomo · 01/05/2021 08:56

Obviously exh couldn't feed them at first because mine ebf and bottle refused but otherwise he could look after them. He couldn't cook at all so I would leave either homemade food or jars when they were tiny, once older he would take them out for dinner (I found out afterwards for the year long diploma he took them out to eat both evenings he watched them or bought rotisserie chicken!)

BertieBotts · 01/05/2021 09:01

I don't get the outfit thing either.

I mean yes, clothes which are too small, still dirty from the day before or not weather appropriate would annoy me - but something clashing? Meh. Who cares? I mean yes, I like to choose outfits I don't think clash when I am getting the DC dressed, but I find the whole sneering/laughing at men's "hilarious" choice of clothing bizarre.

misscarlar · 01/05/2021 09:24

When we were together he was fine looking after our son. We have split now and share custody so he has him for a full week at a time due to work commitments I sometimes do school runs on those days, he's dropped to me in the morning fed in his uniform with a packed lunch.
When I was younger my mum would sometimes go away I'm on work and my dad was also perfectly capable of taking care of me and my sister for a few days at a time.

FreeButtonBee · 01/05/2021 09:30

I went to Ibiza for 4 night and DH coped no problems. 3 kids who were 4 and 6 at the time. I do organise a rough menu plan and make sure the cupboards are stocked but that’s always my job and he can rustle up most meals which small kids find acceptable amd makes sure they eat veg.

He was tired at the end but they had a lovely time. He actively prefers not to have any grandparent help as it’s more trouble looking after them on top of the kids these days.

I think it is basic parenting to be comfortable looking after your kids in normal times for more than 24 hours. Who knows what will happen I t he future to require it longer

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/05/2021 09:33

DH was a SAHD so managed perfectly fine. There is nothing about men that makes them intrinsically less capable of childcare.

Blakey24 · 01/05/2021 09:37

Yes he can absolutely but I find that if I was to go out leaving him with dc at home I’d come home to the house wrecked. He can look after the kids just fine but he can’t keep on top of the house too - not even dishes or picking up laundry off the floor 😂 whereas I multi task everything.

Mellonsprite · 01/05/2021 09:43

My DH was perfectly fine. In fact was better than me at looking after kids and doing household cleaning etc simultaneously.
The only thing was DD would have some pretty weird combinations of clothes on (he didn’t understand tights went with pinafores or skirts), but they were dressed, fed, clean ad so was the house.
The thing is neither of us had experience of babies small children, so we were both chucked in at the deep and had to learn together. I suspect in your friends DH’s car, he’s choosing not to learn.

PerspicaciousGreen · 01/05/2021 10:06

@ladygindiva Sorry but pink floral leggings and a red polka dot sweater isn't to anyone's taste surely? I think you'd have a rethink if you saw some of my dps combos. 🤣

Yes but my original post said don't you let your children choose their own clothes? Always, I mean, not just when it's DH looking after them. THAT'S why my toddler is dressed like a nutter sometimes, because HE has outlandish taste.

dotdashdashdash · 01/05/2021 10:17

[quote PerspicaciousGreen]**@ladygindiva* Sorry but pink floral leggings and a red polka dot sweater isn't to anyone's taste surely? I think you'd have a rethink if you saw some of my dps combos*. 🤣

Yes but my original post said don't you let your children choose their own clothes? Always, I mean, not just when it's DH looking after them. THAT'S why my toddler is dressed like a nutter sometimes, because HE has outlandish taste.[/quote]
Same. Both my kids choose their own stuff (2&5). They look ridiculous most of the time!

CigarsofthePharoahs · 01/05/2021 10:25

Mine is doing so right now, he's taken them both off to the shops to get me a birthday card.
He takes them camping on long weekends, they managed to go just after Easter when the sites reopened. They all love it. I get a break, they get a boys weekend!
He's never shied away from kid stuff that needs doing, he's changed his fair share of nappies over the years. He loves our children!

billy1966 · 01/05/2021 11:17

I remember my father going on about turning off the lights.

Him returning from dinner with my mother one evening and the house so lit up a plane could have used itbas a beacon🤣.

I remember being 🙄to myself.

However, I wasn't 5 minutes living in a flat when I got it.

The OP's children will really appreciate in the long run if the the habit of saving is instilled in them.

Show them the house utility bills, let them see the reality of what life costs.

Food bills, let them know what you spend in a month.

Why not.

This is valuable information that they need to know.

Where else will they get it from.

Sleepyblueocean · 01/05/2021 11:25

Not for long but no one can in our case.

Maggiesfarm · 01/05/2021 11:52

allbilly1966
I remember my father going on about turning off the lights.
.....
I remember my mother doing the same, and going on about the immersion heater being on for a long time.

So stupid, light bulbs don't burn much, though it makes sense not to leave a light on if you aren't in the room, and it takes longer to heat up a tank of water than to leave the immersion on all the time.

Everyone has to economise on something but heating, hot water and lighting , least of all.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 01/05/2021 22:08

My DH has always been as completely able to look after his own kids as I (their mother) am.

I do have friends with partners where this is not the case. I have no idea why they stay with them. But obvs wouldn't say this to them as they would be upset. It's their choice. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Neonprint · 02/05/2021 09:56

@SmiledWithTheRisingSun

My DH has always been as completely able to look after his own kids as I (their mother) am.

I do have friends with partners where this is not the case. I have no idea why they stay with them. But obvs wouldn't say this to them as they would be upset. It's their choice. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do wonder about the not saying anything thing. As although on here it's socially unacceptable to have a useless husband I wonder if it's not as unacceptable in real life, I see plenty of it.

So I wonder if we actually need to say something a bit more to our friend about this type of thing?

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