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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your dh/dp can look after the children independently?

415 replies

Neonprint · 30/04/2021 08:53

Can your dp/dh/father of your children look after them on his own? Two children aged 18 months and 4.5? Or just tow under 5. No additional needs or SEN.

If so for how long? What set up support would be needed if any? For example getting clothes out, sorting food etc. If he did look after them alone would he manage well or just cope?

Is this something which happens regularly in your home? Or would it be like you owed him something and he'd be a bit put out?

To be full transparent just having a conversation with a friend and she felt it's normal her dh can't really (doesn't want to) have the children on his own. When she is out of the house. I don't think this is normal and most fathers can do childcare independently even for pre school age. I look after the kids I know although I love them it's not easy!

I think she thinks what men can do and what they should ideally do are different. So is it unreasonable of me to think a father should look after two children that age? Not sure if I'm being unrealistic?

OP posts:
Itstheprinciple · 30/04/2021 20:27

I had post natal anxiety just after DD was born. I craved some normality so would go out for a walk around shops and leave DD with DH from when she was tiny. I went back to work when DD was 6 months. DH is a teacher and was on summer hols at the time so he was in charge, as he was during each subsequent school holiday. I think I probably left meals for her when she was weaning but I used to batch cook her meals so I think it was a case of getting something out of the freezer for her and then we'd eat when I got home later. I know I rolled my eyes at some of his outfit choices but she was well looked after. He'd take her to baby/toddler groups etc too. I think he was quite the celebrity when he turned up!

Tereseta · 30/04/2021 20:28

I hope my dh can as he is a stay at home dad!

PerspicaciousGreen · 30/04/2021 20:34

I'm surprised by everyone commenting on their DH not putting together aesthetically coherent outfits. Once they're not babies, don't your children choose their own clothes? At the moment our toddler likes to dress all in grey except for brightly coloured socks and pants which match each other. I purchase the clothes so he can't wear anything intrinsically objectionable (hot pants or stupid slogans) but as long as it's appropriate for the weather he can wear whatever combo he wants.

DissociativeBitch · 30/04/2021 20:36

Of course a father should be able to look after his own children!
My husband manages just fine, he does 1 full day on his own with them a week whilst I work, I do 2. (This is just a matter of the working hours that work best for us.) Equal parenting should not be negotiable.
Unless the baby is very young and breastfeeding.

Original poster
Neonprint · 30/04/2021 20:53

@Snoozer11

I often think its a sign of deep insecurity when one parent says the other is completely incapable of looking after their children.

Obviously barring disability/addiction issues etc.

I'm not sure if you are talking about the situation I described? Just I clearly stated he won't have them alone. There's no not letting happening.
OP posts:
Kangaroobill · 30/04/2021 21:06

@PerspicaciousGreen

I'm surprised by everyone commenting on their DH not putting together aesthetically coherent outfits. Once they're not babies, don't your children choose their own clothes? At the moment our toddler likes to dress all in grey except for brightly coloured socks and pants which match each other. I purchase the clothes so he can't wear anything intrinsically objectionable (hot pants or stupid slogans) but as long as it's appropriate for the weather he can wear whatever combo he wants.
I have a child who is head to toe yellow with purple shoes! They’re happy.
JassyRadlett · 30/04/2021 21:10

I'm surprised by everyone commenting on their DH not putting together aesthetically coherent outfits.

Plus it’s basically saying ‘my husband doesn’t dress them to my taste’ but dressing it up as ‘he’s not as good at dressing the children’.

Original poster
Neonprint · 30/04/2021 21:22

@PerspicaciousGreen

I'm surprised by everyone commenting on their DH not putting together aesthetically coherent outfits. Once they're not babies, don't your children choose their own clothes? At the moment our toddler likes to dress all in grey except for brightly coloured socks and pants which match each other. I purchase the clothes so he can't wear anything intrinsically objectionable (hot pants or stupid slogans) but as long as it's appropriate for the weather he can wear whatever combo he wants.
Your toddler sounds very cool. I like grey with a pop of bright colour!
OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 30/04/2021 21:27

Dh was sahd with dc1. But he coped fine by himself with 3 under 5. He prefers babies and toddlers as he says they are much simpler than older cheeked versions we have now

Headyhurty · 30/04/2021 21:33

FGS, my father was my childminder when DC were small. A man born in 1943 perfectly capable of caring for children. His methods were unconventional at times and maybe that's the issue? Dad's don't do things exactly the way mum would but different is good, unless you're a control freak.

CamVegOut · 30/04/2021 21:34

3 kids, now teens. Dh has always looked after the kids independently (except for breastfeeding 😂). I worked nights when they were younger so we passed each other coming/going to work and we both made dinner, put on a wash etc. We share taking kids to things (esp when we have days where they are all at activities). I couldn't be dealing with crap of dads not being able to look after their kids. My sister had one of those. Things are much easier now she does things on her own rather than working under the illusion she was sharing responsibilities.

Gogetsalife · 30/04/2021 21:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Neonprint · 30/04/2021 21:44

@Gogetsalife

So sad this is even a question. When will women stop procreating with these type of menHmm
Well I mention this. But in general when I've seen people ask this on here they get shot down and told its the man's fault for being shit not the woman for having children with him.
OP posts:
Original poster
Neonprint · 30/04/2021 21:46

@Headyhurty

FGS, my father was my childminder when DC were small. A man born in 1943 perfectly capable of caring for children. His methods were unconventional at times and maybe that's the issue? Dad's don't do things exactly the way mum would but different is good, unless you're a control freak.
Yeah I've addressed this point a few times. It's not about her not letting him or him not doing it right.
OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 30/04/2021 21:50

I'm shocked at the amount of men that can't handle their own children for a couple of hours let alone a few weeks. Being a military couple we are used to one of us being away for weeks at a time. Even if we were not mitary I would not expect anything less than 50/50 parenting in am equal marriage.

ineedaholidayandwine · 30/04/2021 21:54

I only have 1 and she's 4, my husband has always been great at looking after her on his own from her being a baby, and he enjoys it, longest he's done is 3 days when i was away.
The father should be capable and happy to look after their child surely?

wellhellohi · 30/04/2021 22:30

I really hope so he is a stay at home dad!

fiorentina · 30/04/2021 22:36

Yes he definitely could. And had to regularly when I was away with work - he wasn’t a stay at home dad. I might have organised food supplies etc but I would have been deeply unimpressed if he’d been unable to cope at those ages.

pallisers · 30/04/2021 22:41

yes. As could my father (born in 1926)

what would actually happen if these men who could not mind their own children were left in charge - would their children die, starve, sit in their own dirty nappies?

Or is it more that the children would survive but the men wouldn't like doing the work required? I suspect it is this.

FrangipaniBlue · 30/04/2021 23:14

From DS was 3 until he was 8 I worked away for all or part of the week. DH was perfectly capable of getting him up, dressed, fed and dropped at breakfast club. Ditto pick up, feeding and bedtime routine at night.

He also did any kids parties that fell on week nights that I may have been away for.

I've also been abroad with work for between 5 days and 2 weeks on numerous occasions from DS was 5 months old until he was 10 years old. DH managed perfectly fine on his own on every occasion.

When DS was a baby PIL looked after him a couple of afternoons a week. On some of these afternoons MIL had to go to work.... FIL managed to look after his grandson perfectly fine on his own aswell.

Men who cannot look after their own children and women who think this is acceptable totally boggle my brain Confused

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 30/04/2021 23:24

Yes but with low food standards, ie just fish n chips, no veg etc or fruit.

Yes but with no brushed hair or teeth or curtains open or fresh air or concsousnce thought to learning or schools or education he's very passive.

Lots of good stuff.

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 30/04/2021 23:25

Small dc amazing with... Total care.

ladygindiva · 01/05/2021 08:06

@JassyRadlett

I'm surprised by everyone commenting on their DH not putting together aesthetically coherent outfits.

Plus it’s basically saying ‘my husband doesn’t dress them to my taste’ but dressing it up as ‘he’s not as good at dressing the children’.

Sorry but pink floral leggings and a red polka dot sweater isn't to anyone's taste surely? I think you'd have a rethink if you saw some of my dps combos. 🤣
20viona · 01/05/2021 08:11

My daughter is nearly two and I absolutely trust my husband to look after her alone, he's her parent! 50/50. He may put her in a questionable outfit but we are learning 😂

BigFatLiar · 01/05/2021 08:41

I'm surprised by everyone commenting on their DH not putting together aesthetically coherent outfits

We had identical twin girls. DH liked them to be the same, in nice girly outfits. By the end of the day though we would just be glad to have clean stuff left for them to wear.