To ask if your dh/dp can look after the children independently?

[Neonprint]

Can your dp/dh/father of your children look after them on his own? Two children aged 18 months and 4.5? Or just tow under 5. No additional needs or SEN.

If so for how long? What set up support would be needed if any? For example getting clothes out, sorting food etc. If he did look after them alone would he manage well or just cope?

Is this something which happens regularly in your home? Or would it be like you owed him something and he'd be a bit put out?

To be full transparent just having a conversation with a friend and she felt it's normal her dh can't really (doesn't want to) have the children on his own. When she is out of the house. I don't think this is normal and most fathers can do childcare independently even for pre school age. I look after the kids I know although I love them it's not easy!

I think she thinks what men can do and what they should ideally do are different. So is it unreasonable of me to think a father should look after two children that age? Not sure if I'm being unrealistic?

Thinking about it further, my brother suffers from what I shall term Deliberate Acquired Moronism. My mother enabled it when he was at home and still does, his girlfriend enables it too now. He paints it as being "more of a strategic executive" but the only executive strategy going on is his strategy of tactical incompetence. When he gets the wind up him, he can miraculously learn something almost overnight. Decided he wanted to be all cheffy, went from pasta-and-jar-of-sauce level to serious cooking in a few weeks. But clean a bathroom? Why bother? If he leaves it, someone else will do it for him. I think it makes him look a bit thick, tbh, not like a strategic executive.

I've been to Rome for a week and my husband doesn't need me to prep their clothes or food. He is involved dY to day though anywY.

Twins now aged 4. My dp has been in sole charge of them for whole days or 3 afternoons including bedtimes every week since they were 8 months and I went back to work pt. He had them alone for a 3 days and 2 nights stretch when they just turned 3 as I went away to attend my dds graduation. It would seriously piss me off if he wasn't capable of doing this.

Yes. My dh is just as capable as looking as dd as I am. The only thing I will usually do if I'm heading out is prepare food for them, because the poor sap would burn water, though he's more than capable of ordering a takeaway and cooking a freezer meal if needs be. I'm going away for a week next year for a friends wedding, and I've no doubts that I'll come home and dd will have been well looked after, fed (even if it's cereal, sausage rolls, crisps and takeaway) and that my house will be semi tidy (at least as tidy as it can be with a 3yr old running around). I wouldn't have dreamt of having children with a man whose parenting abilities I doubted.

I have a 20 months old and nearly 5 year old. DH would be fine with them for the day, he is not used to having them all day so I’m guessing the house would like a bomb site but he could sort that when they went to bed. He has yet to do solo bedtime as the youngest still bf to sleep but with covid restrictions there hasn’t been a need for him to but he will be doing it for the first time this weekend. To be fair I haven’t done solo bedtime since December 2019 when he went away with work for 5 days.

I’m a sahm so I’m generally responsible for keeping track of medical stuff and activities but if I said I’m off out for the day from 8 until
8 on Saturday then they would survive.

Yes absolutely they should. My partner made a major drama any time he had to do it but that is only due to him being a lazy selfish man.

@NightIbble

My DH looks after our 3 year old DS every weekend while I work no problem. Admittedly there is only 1 of him but he does have SEN. The only thing I like to do is pick out his clothes. DH is quite capable of dressing him appropriately for the weather but normally chooses rather odd combos.

Lol at this, my dp does this. Mismatched pyjama tops and bottoms particularly... I'm not sure why it bothers me but it does although I don't say so!

My DS's father could do it but didnt want to.

My DF was better at it than my DM. He would let me choose what to wear so my outfits were interesting but everything else was fine. He also looked after my DS from a small baby on his own.

Mine was a SAHD to two under three and he was fab. A far superior SAHP than I would be

@WorraLiberty

Exactly *@MedusasBadHairDay* but you'll rarely see MNetters on these threads admitting their DH's can't/won't look after their own children.

Yet in real life, I see it and hear of it a lot.

Interesting. I have friends from a pretty wide background and I can't think of any couples where the DH/male DP didn't look after the DC by himself once they were past the baby stage. There was quite lot of variation in when/whether they looked after babies - but breast-feeding and the mothers' attitudes were clearly factors in that too.

Of course, 2 under 4 and he's fully capable. Youngest was 6 months old and oldest 19 months when I had a night away.

I got the nappy bag ready for him just to be nice. Other than that he got on with it.

DS took care of DGD for 6 weeks while DDIL had to go back to her homecountry when her father was ill. DGD was 18m at the time. Yes she was in childcare while he was at work, but that was normal as both parents worked. Everything else he did, we live an hour away and I worked full time then. They came up at the weekend fir a day but that was all.

What???!!! I can’t believe I’m reading this. DH has looked after DS on his own since day dot. I spent a month in hospital when DS was a baby so he had to... and we shared parental leave

Yes absolutely my DH can care for the DC. We have a 3.5 year old and 5 week old. DH is currently washing up with the 5 week old strapped to him in the sling. When I go back to work, he’ll be having both kids all day Saturday alone, and on the occasions I need to travel with work.

He doesn’t need any input etc, as a PP has said, he’s as capable as myself, aside from his useless nipples (I exclusively pump) and not being able to give birth 😂

My DH can and dose. If I wanted a weekend away it wouldn’t be an issue my DH will take care of our DCs. The last time I went away they were 7, 5 & 1. I didn’t need to do or prepare anything other than to remind him to make sure he took the 2 days off work he needed. He certainly wouldn’t expect anything back. We don’t point score. He’s their Dad he sees it as his job to take care of them just as much as it’s mine.

I grew up in a home where men pulled their weight and if anything are better homemakers than most women. There is not a chance I’d be with a man who thought housework and child rearing was a women’s job.

The only thing my DH ever passes off to me is hair and clothes, and only because I’m controlling in that department and well he’s a guy and we have 3 DDs with long hair so it’s unfamiliar territory for him and he’s happy to leave it to me, just like I’m happy for him to put the bins out.

My DH is CRAP at looking after the kids. It’s the only thing we argue about. Mostly because I won’t accept that it’s a reason to not try! He believes that women are just “better” with kids. I think there’s a lot of laziness in that attitude. I do the majority of the childcare because honestly, I can’t accept how low his standards are. But pre-COVID, he had sole charge for the school run for DD and was expected to do something with her on every Saturday afternoon and every Sunday morning. But I know that when left to his own devices with her he just puts on Disney films one after another and they both eat chocolate buttons all day. If I was going away for a week, I’d definitely call my mother in as otherwise DD wouldn’t wash, eat a meal or read a book.

HOWEVER I married him knowing he would likely be totally useless with little kids. But he’s a teacher and always been involved with lots of teenage activities like scouts, so I think he will be better with teenagers.

Could she be worried about leaving them with him due to a safeguarding issue? Does he drink/ use drugs?

I know locally to me there are a lot of mums who moan husbands don't do their share but when you look a bit closer, lots have at some point taken the decision that mum would be a SAHM (not due to financial reasons but by choice) and then 5-6 years down the line are moaning they don't do anything. One of the main reasons is for DH to keep bringing home the 6 figure plus salary is they need to put in the hours, so are not around to be able to pull their weight. (I don't know financial matters, but lots of moaning about not getting the 30 hours free funding, all kids in private school etc)

I do get frustrated as they like the lifestyle but the novelty has worn off now its all just school runs and not much else.

@Blah1881

Could she be worried about leaving them with him due to a safeguarding issue? Does he drink/ use drugs?

No he doesn't drink. Not from alcohol misuse previously. It's just a cultural thing, he's not British. Same for drugs, he hardly goes out.

They both work full time. She has a better paid job. So not a sahp. Where I think whoes job it is can become skewed.

At the point where a man and a woman become parents for the first time, they both have the same amount of experience of looking after their own child, none.

If the mother learns to look after the child/children, what would the father's legitimate excuse be for not doing the same.

"I'm a selfish misogynistic prick" is not a legitimate excuse.

Yes, my husband can, and always has, been able to competently look a free our children.

He may not do things exactly as I would, and something their outfits/hair are ‘interesting’ but fully and appropriately cared for.

The only exception to this I suppose was when they were tiny and breastfeeding, but he had all the other stuff nailed

My husband could/does because he isn't a useless twat.

Im puzzled why so many votes are yanbu but there are so often women complaining that men dont pull their weight if they know that they can and should

DH can cope well, I wouldn’t say he thrives, but he gets school holidays and I don’t, so he looks after our 3 alone and always has done. The clothes he chooses aren’t always the best match, but I can be a bit fussy with what they wear. They’re always dressed and have been fed and done activities, not just sat in front of screens all day. He won’t often take them out for the day himself, but would do a walk on the beach/to the park if it was a nice day, but is happier around the house and garden with them.

I often think its a sign of deep insecurity when one parent says the other is completely incapable of looking after their children.

Obviously barring disability/addiction issues etc.