To ask if your dh/dp can look after the children independently?

[Neonprint]

Can your dp/dh/father of your children look after them on his own? Two children aged 18 months and 4.5? Or just tow under 5. No additional needs or SEN.

If so for how long? What set up support would be needed if any? For example getting clothes out, sorting food etc. If he did look after them alone would he manage well or just cope?

Is this something which happens regularly in your home? Or would it be like you owed him something and he'd be a bit put out?

To be full transparent just having a conversation with a friend and she felt it's normal her dh can't really (doesn't want to) have the children on his own. When she is out of the house. I don't think this is normal and most fathers can do childcare independently even for pre school age. I look after the kids I know although I love them it's not easy!

I think she thinks what men can do and what they should ideally do are different. So is it unreasonable of me to think a father should look after two children that age? Not sure if I'm being unrealistic?

My DH is a stay at home dad while I work. He's probably more capable of looking after our little one and the house than I am!

I wouldn’t ever of have had children with someone incapable of looking after them.

My DP wouldn't cope, he can do a few hours now our DC is 2 but if I ever do leave them alone together he takes DC to his mums/nans mostly I think so they can help juggle the childcare.
He cannot do the night time routine so I could never leave him with her in the evenings/overnight.

I certainly couldn't leave them overnight or longer than that because he doesn't know how to cook, doesn't know how to work a washing machine and knows nothing of our DC's routine.

I have an older child with a different partner and he was exactly the same. I am so jealous of women who have equal partners, in fact I dont even know what I would do in a relationship where the man could do equal to what I have to do as it seems so alien to me!

@KnitFastDieWarm

Why the actual fuckety fuck do women reproduce with men like this? And why do they accept it? And how do they think same sex parents or single dads manage? How the fuck is it socially acceptable to imagine that having a penis renders you incapable of caring for a small child? This is so far removed from my experience of LITERALLY EVERY MAN I KNOW. Why are you associating with/marrying/enabling these men????

I can understand it happening where you think someone is going to be a good parent and they end up being shit, people can hide their true colours for a long time.

What I can’t understand is that happening and then choosing to continue having kids with that person. Unless the mother is genuinely happy with doing it all, and I guess some must be? Maybe some people really like old fashioned gender roles or get a kick out of being the only one who can settle their child or whatever.

@Pethaireverywhere

My DP wouldn't cope, he can do a few hours now our DC is 2 but if I ever do leave them alone together he takes DC to his mums/nans mostly I think so they can help juggle the childcare. He cannot do the night time routine so I could never leave him with her in the evenings/overnight.

I certainly couldn't leave them overnight or longer than that because he doesn't know how to cook, doesn't know how to work a washing machine and knows nothing of our DC's routine.

I have an older child with a different partner and he was exactly the same. I am so jealous of women who have equal partners, in fact I dont even know what I would do in a relationship where the man could do equal to what I have to do as it seems so alien to me!

You’re brave to admit it, only noticed a couple of posters on here who have admitted that (though haven’t read every comment thoroughly).

Might be too personal a question so feel free to ignore if you see this, but what makes you stay with such a person? Doesn’t it make your life harder?

My husband definitely could (EBF our youngest aside). Granted, less attention would be paid to cleanliness of house and clothes and they'd probably eat more treats but they'd have a blast.

It doesn't happen regularly but that's not to say it wouldnt. He's more then capable and I too find it strange that men can't look after their own children?

He would try in an emergency but no.

Farmer, true to stereotype, horrendous hours, no clue about routine or house.

Not just kids though, couldn't pay a bill or operate bank account.

He does logs, bins (outside to road end) and anything I ask with detailed instructions. When I had dd2 I had to leave list after list, food ready, clothes laid out.

He's a good, kind, gentle man. He is however absolutely useless. I've never had a birthday or Christmas card or gift. He takes zero mental load.

I would say it bothers me more now than it used to. My mum went to work and dad raised us. DH is not a bad person but he could do significantly more. He can run a gps system in a huge combine but can't work the washing machine, there's where the issue lies.

@brokengate do you have livestock, can he look after them?

He can run a gps system in a huge combine but can't work the washing machine, there's where the issue lies

No, he CAN work the washing machine, of course he can. He chooses not to. Just like he chooses to not do childcare and cleaning and pay bills. And you facilitate his choice to do none of those things. Why?

Literally DP is better than me in some areas. I went away mon to fri for 12 weeks when dc were 3 and 6 and he coped brilliantly. He did find he got a little overwhelmed at one point but that I think would have happened to me too being thrown into single parenting. He was still trying to work as well.

He now gets them ready for school every morning, does they're lunches, school bags, sorts uniforms, does at least half of the washing and cleans up. I am responsible for clearing out their old clothes, buying what they need, helping out with more complex homework, I do most of the shopping and cooking (although he is capable of doing it). We divide the labour pretty equally albeit if I'm honest he is far better at housekeeping and being a fun, present parent than me.

I literally wouldn't put up with somebody who couldn't look after themselves and their kids. I absolutely despair when I hear of mothers doing all the grunt work and fathers doing their day job thinking that's enough. Imagine the luxury of only having to go to work and the rest is done for you. Work is easy compared to running a household.

@limecoconut
To be honest it's a combination of the following one being as I've said I have an older dc with a previous partner who was exactly the same and I just feel ashamed I suppose that I've set up home and had a DC with somebody else who is just the same. I think I stay to punish myself. And then despite my DP being useless with our DD he would want access if we split up which is rightly so but he has never put DD to bed or made her a meal etc and he gets very angry with her when she wont do what he wants her to do or has a typical 2 yr old tantrum and tbh there have been times I've been worried he might lash out at her especially if he was on his own with her. (He has never been violent to me or her before but he gets very verbally angry and will pick her up or put her down very harshly when he's in that mood it just makes me worry)

It makes my life 100 times harder and I am miserable, I've made plans in my mind to leave over and over again, hopefully one day I will!

I'd think it utterly bizarre if any adult couldn't look after two children unaided, for any length of time.

If he needs 'support' or can't work it out then he's utterly pathetic. How hard is it to feed and clothe your own children, for god's sake?

It's slightly boring, perhaps. But hardly rocket science.

@brokengate

He would try in an emergency but no.

Farmer, true to stereotype, horrendous hours, no clue about routine or house.

Not just kids though, couldn't pay a bill or operate bank account.

He does logs, bins (outside to road end) and anything I ask with detailed instructions. When I had dd2 I had to leave list after list, food ready, clothes laid out.

He's a good, kind, gentle man. He is however absolutely useless. I've never had a birthday or Christmas card or gift. He takes zero mental load.

I would say it bothers me more now than it used to. My mum went to work and dad raised us. DH is not a bad person but he could do significantly more. He can run a gps system in a huge combine but can't work the washing machine, there's where the issue lies.

That's just not ok, any of it. He could do these things with some thought and effort. Honestly, I do actually think it makes him a bad person because I don't think a good and kind person would completely check out of family life.

@Pethaireverywhere

My DP wouldn't cope, he can do a few hours now our DC is 2 but if I ever do leave them alone together he takes DC to his mums/nans mostly I think so they can help juggle the childcare. He cannot do the night time routine so I could never leave him with her in the evenings/overnight.

I certainly couldn't leave them overnight or longer than that because he doesn't know how to cook, doesn't know how to work a washing machine and knows nothing of our DC's routine.

I have an older child with a different partner and he was exactly the same. I am so jealous of women who have equal partners, in fact I dont even know what I would do in a relationship where the man could do equal to what I have to do as it seems so alien to me!

Why would you be in a relationship with a man man who can't cook or use a washing machine, let alone go on to have children with him? Baffling.

I'm divorced but my ex husband can of course cope alone with DS and has been doing so ever since DS was born. I wouldn't have expected anything less.

Blimey some of these are shocking!

I went back to work when our twins were 9 months and DH condensed his hours into four long days so he could have a day off in the week to look after them. I never worried at all about how he’d cope or if the babies would be ok.

Ok the place was a bit messy but DDs happy and well cared for.

This was 20 years ago!! How depressing that some men are still so shite 🙁. I would seriously lose respect with a partner like that, it wouldn’t have lasted.

Yes, of course he can, he's not incompetent. Ours are 16mo and 3yo.

If it was a mid-day handover I'd want to tell him when they last ate, what and how much; when the little one last had her nappy changed and if it's been unusually long since the big one went to the potty or if he's been drinking vast amounts; how the little one napped in the morning (to judge expectations for afternoon nap); if I've made any rash promises about future activities which he may now be expected to fulfil or if I had any bright ideas about something fun to do later which he may or may not wish to take up.

Then I'd waltz out the door and not give it a moment's further thought. I'd expect to come back to two reasonably happy children and a reasonably tidy house (depending at what crunch point I actually rock up!) just as if I'd been there.

What has in fact recently happened is that I have been very ill with morning all day sickness and basically took to my bed for a few weeks. DH has done all the childcare and chores, including things while I usually have sole charge of (we split chores like for example I do all the laundry, he does all the dishes). I don't think I've had to chase after him or remind him of anything really, except some food I had bought pre-sickness that needed using up but wasn't on the written meal plan yet. He doesn't cook the meals I would or do the same things with them that I would, but it's a difference of style, not competence. He's been taking the two of them to church an hour away on public transport (3yo out of nappies) by himself every Sunday I've been ill, including packing the bag and pre-making lunch for when they get back.

Yes. My DP has always been able to look after our 2 DC independently. We both work full time and we often end up splitting school holidays between us.
I would lose respect for a partner who is able bodied yet incapable of looking after his own children.

@brokengate

He would try in an emergency but no.

Farmer, true to stereotype, horrendous hours, no clue about routine or house.

Not just kids though, couldn't pay a bill or operate bank account.

He does logs, bins (outside to road end) and anything I ask with detailed instructions. When I had dd2 I had to leave list after list, food ready, clothes laid out.

He's a good, kind, gentle man. He is however absolutely useless. I've never had a birthday or Christmas card or gift. He takes zero mental load.

I would say it bothers me more now than it used to. My mum went to work and dad raised us. DH is not a bad person but he could do significantly more. He can run a gps system in a huge combine but can't work the washing machine, there's where the issue lies.

Of course he can work a washing machine. He’s just choosing not to because he has a mug that will do it for him.

I have two children aged 26 and 19 and my dh has been able to look after them independently since they were born. Even the disabled one.

DH hadn't even held a baby before he held his own. He had no little nephews and nieces or cousins. He hadn't a clue what we were doing. He read Miriam Stoppard babycare books (it was the 90s) and practiced nappies on my teddy bear.
I think it's sad that the concept of dad 'babysitting' his own dc still exists and a little surprised as I supervise quite a few mothers with young children on differing shifts and most childcare seems to be done by their partners. Certainly on the 14.30 to 22.00 shift, it's dad doing the pickups, dinner, bath and bed.

[quote Pethaireverywhere]@limecoconut
To be honest it's a combination of the following one being as I've said I have an older dc with a previous partner who was exactly the same and I just feel ashamed I suppose that I've set up home and had a DC with somebody else who is just the same. I think I stay to punish myself. And then despite my DP being useless with our DD he would want access if we split up which is rightly so but he has never put DD to bed or made her a meal etc and he gets very angry with her when she wont do what he wants her to do or has a typical 2 yr old tantrum and tbh there have been times I've been worried he might lash out at her especially if he was on his own with her. (He has never been violent to me or her before but he gets very verbally angry and will pick her up or put her down very harshly when he's in that mood it just makes me worry)

It makes my life 100 times harder and I am miserable, I've made plans in my mind to leave over and over again, hopefully one day I will![/quote]
That sounds incredibly hard for you and DD, I’m so sorry. I really hope you get some support ASAP to start the process of leaving, it sounds like you can see how awful this situation is from the outside

Absolutely 100% he can.
They are grown now, but he has always been a hands on, fully engaged parent. He did everything but the breastfeeding.
He learned how to braid and do buns and such when our dd was little, so he could do her hair before school. He read all the available stuff on ASD when our son was going through diagnosis so he could better understand.
He has always made the effort, been willing to learn, and has been a great dad.

We only have one child but DH is a SAHD so yes, he can look after our child completely on his own.

@waxonwaxoff0 unfortunately I fell pregnant very early into our relationship even though I was on the pill.

I agree had I lived with him or known what he would have been like then I wouldn't have actively chosen to have a child with him.

[quote Pethaireverywhere]@waxonwaxoff0 unfortunately I fell pregnant very early into our relationship even though I was on the pill.

I agree had I lived with him or known what he would have been like then I wouldn't have actively chosen to have a child with him.[/quote]
I read your other post, I hope you can find some way to leave.