To ask if your dh/dp can look after the children independently?

[Neonprint]

Can your dp/dh/father of your children look after them on his own? Two children aged 18 months and 4.5? Or just tow under 5. No additional needs or SEN.

If so for how long? What set up support would be needed if any? For example getting clothes out, sorting food etc. If he did look after them alone would he manage well or just cope?

Is this something which happens regularly in your home? Or would it be like you owed him something and he'd be a bit put out?

To be full transparent just having a conversation with a friend and she felt it's normal her dh can't really (doesn't want to) have the children on his own. When she is out of the house. I don't think this is normal and most fathers can do childcare independently even for pre school age. I look after the kids I know although I love them it's not easy!

I think she thinks what men can do and what they should ideally do are different. So is it unreasonable of me to think a father should look after two children that age? Not sure if I'm being unrealistic?

Addendum: it did take DH a long time to be happy being in sole charge of our firstborn, breastfeeding aside. He knew the theory, but I spent so many more hours practicing as I was a SAHM and he worked full time. He did it a few times when DC1 was very young but was absolutely terrified. He practiced and learned, though, rather than just giving up!

Our children thank their lucky stars that their father looked after them and I went back to work.

Of course - I would be rethinking my relationship if DH was unable to take care of DS

My husband can and does and I wouldn’t tolerate him not. I’ve got friends who complain about this all of the time though and can’t “trust” their husbands to have the kids or refer to it as “babysitting” and feel they owe their husbands one of their do even a bit of light childcare.

Wow! So many replies thanks. Sorry to post and dissappear. The day got unexpectedly busy.

I've read loads of the replies and wanted to clarify a few things. No health need or neuro divergence on his part. I understand what people are talking about re maternal Gate keeping. I am very close to my friend and see them operate as a family. That isn't what's happening here. He will not have them or she then won't ask as heel make it difficult and be huffy. He wouldn't care for them as she does. I've seen him on his phone when he's supposed to be the one keeping an eye on them eg when I'd pop in for a coffee. But honestly she's fairly relaxed and is happy for him to get on with it even if different to her standards.

I know she could just leave the house for a few hours and obviously he'd not let them die! But he'd not be happy and think she shouldn't have done it. And would probably be a nightmare to be around.

To the pp's suggesting it's offensive to men to imply they can't do this. I obviously don't think this. I'm not sure she thinks all men can't just he can't and it's common for men to not.

The replies on this post are fairly unanimous however I did see the posts about how it gives a skewed view and women know many women in relationships like this. I think thersa truth in this. In that she's not the only person I know who does most childcare and the husband is pretty crap.

On the topic of why breed with these numpties. Well I must say I've seen many posts on here asking this and I've been guilty of thinking it myself. But when people post saying this they often get piled on saying you can't know what a man is like, they change in parenthood, you don't know a woman's circumstances etc. So feels a bit conflicted with other posts on here in the past. But maybe it is different individuals? But yeah an interesting question about why women are with these men.

Also the question of why have multiple children with a useless man. Again as I said above people have asked this and been told everyone has different circumstances etc. So again feels a bit of a conflict on this thread from previous posts I've seen about shitty dads.

My DH does looks after our two , two days a week while I am working (albeit working from home so I am there ). They are 2.5 and 1. He does all nappy changes, lunch, snacks, taking them out. Cooks dinner following a simple recipe, I make anything more complicated. Men are capable of doing this.

I would worry about dating someone who couldn’t use a washing machine, an 8 year old can use a washing machine.

Oh for goodness sake op, that’s nothing to do with his ability to look after children that’s everything todo with the fact he’s a sexist controlling dickhead.

Men are just as capable of looking after kids as women are. I can’t believe it’s even a question anyone would need to ask. It’s hardly bloody rocket science.

By what you have written, he obviously doesn't want to look after them, not that he couldn't. He is manipulating her and training her not to ask by sulking. I bet she rightly knows he should be able too, but she is covering for her disappointment in realising her reality that he won't. And men do give off the 'i am great with kids vibe' but then one appears and they decide to step bad and the mother has to step up. Its not that we purposely pick useless idiots to parent with and decide before getting pregnant to make our lives damn hard work

*step back

So, in theory, absolutely he should be able to, and to be honest, I think that if most parents (of either gender) would get on with it and manage perfectly well. What isn’t so clear is whether the partner in question would ‘get on with it’ to the standards/organisation etc that the other parent wants...

I left my two with their dad for I think it was around 10 days when they were just over 1 and nearly 5. I did leave very specific instructions, because my husband didn’t know the exact nature of our day to day routine (I was a SAHM at that time). I also did do some batch cooking and left instructions on meal plans, stuff my older one needed for school each day etc. I also actually got someone to come in and help him out a few hours a couple of times, but that was mainly because he did need to do some work calls etc.

A few years later, when I did the same thing, I still left detailed instructions because again, although I was now working, he still didn’t know the day to day stuff.

Now they are much older, 12 and 8, I don’t think twice about leaving him to it, BUT I still get texts like, ‘what do they need’, ‘what’s for dinner?’ Etc.

It does drive me mad, but they are now pls enough to basically tell him themselves.

Also should add that I haven’t RTFT so was giving my own experience!

@ineedaholidaynow yes

@takemetothelakes I agree.

Married very young, I'm a professional background and pre kids worked long hours myself. I suppose it's just "normal" for us.

I'm more fed up with two under two for sure. Whilst not a single parent by any means,he is very rarely here.

Typical day at moment leaves 6am, home 9pm and out in night. But we are lambing and calving. Normal season 6am to 8pm.

I enable it, I get that. Five brothers, three like this, one the opposite, one I'm not sure as he's abroad.

When I had dd2 he did manage, with my lists. Now, The kids would be safe and loved, but the house would be destroyed and god knows what they would wear.

I went away on business when DC were preschoolers. It wouldn't have occured to me not to leave them with their father. He did have some help from my parents but only for the hours he was at work.

I have to wonder if this means that your friend takes on the lion(ess)'s share of childcare in their house even when both of them are home?
I work offshore and was lucky enough to have 6 weeks off when my kids were born (just the way the rota worked out) so was involved 24/7 from the start. My girlfriend went back to work full time after 6 months and our nursery were flexible for the first couple of years so when I was onshore I would keep them off for a day or two a week to hang out.
Maybe it helps that I'm a chef so cooking for 1 adult and 2 small kids isn't a challenge but I really struggle with people like this.
Can he look after himself even? Sounds like a bit of a d1ck

@Bluntness100

Oh for goodness sake op, that’s nothing to do with his ability to look after children that’s everything todo with the fact he’s a sexist controlling dickhead.

Men are just as capable of looking after kids as women are. I can’t believe it’s even a question anyone would need to ask. It’s hardly bloody rocket science.

You're looking for a disagreement where there is none. He's not my husband I think he's a waste of space. I'm asking as I don't have children and as women repeatedly say here yuu can't know what parenting is like until you have you're own.

Im not sure what you're referring to when you day that's nothing to do with him not being able to look after his own children but is because he's a sexist dick. I can't see any excuses anywhere in my posts so I don't know what you mean.

@SpacemanDad

I have to wonder if this means that your friend takes on the lion(ess)'s share of childcare in their house even when both of them are home? I work offshore and was lucky enough to have 6 weeks off when my kids were born (just the way the rota worked out) so was involved 24/7 from the start. My girlfriend went back to work full time after 6 months and our nursery were flexible for the first couple of years so when I was onshore I would keep them off for a day or two a week to hang out. Maybe it helps that I'm a chef so cooking for 1 adult and 2 small kids isn't a challenge but I really struggle with people like this. Can he look after himself even? Sounds like a bit of a d1ck

Yes she does do the lionesses share! He can look after himself but pretty much doesn't!

Also really early on somone said yes their dh has the kids alone because they aren't married to a selfish halfwit. How do you know him?!

Your friend is ridiculous. I had 2 under 18m and my husband is more than capable of looking after his own children.

If your friend never allows him to do it then she's playing the martyr. Either she doesn't want him to do it and he's accepting or or she's enabling him.

@youcancallmequeene

Your friend is ridiculous. I had 2 under 18m and my husband is more than capable of looking after his own children.

If your friend never allows him to do it then she's playing the martyr. Either she doesn't want him to do it and he's accepting or or she's enabling him.

There's a lot of martyr talk on mumsnet. I'm really not sure about it tbh. As I've detailed above its nota bout not letting its about him not being willing. Of course as I said above she could just go out and he wouldn't let them die.

But I'm not really sure I'm comfortable calling a woman a martyr when they do things because their husband will be moody and unpleasant. To me being a martyr is when you're making a choice where choice exists. I'm not sure he's allowing that choice.

Also of course she's enabling him. I don't think I ever said otherwise. But in the circumstances outlined above.

Of course! Ours are 5 and 18 months he could always look after them from when they were born. He used to be better at going to the supermarket alone with the two of them than I was.

Your friend is trying to justify the lazy oaf she married.

My late DH was very capable of taking care of our 2.

My DS and DD began babysitting as teens and they're very capable.

My DD has a 20 year old DS and 2 more DC ages 3 and 7 and he has taken care of them plus pets for a week when she went on a business trip.

My DH looks after our 3 year old DS every weekend while I work no problem. Admittedly there is only 1 of him but he does have SEN. The only thing I like to do is pick out his clothes. DH is quite capable of dressing him appropriately for the weather but normally chooses rather odd combos.

We have a 2 Yr old DD, no other kids. Since Since returned to work DH has changed his hours and has 1 day just the 2 of them together.Asl I often leave them both at home while I go out to run errands at the weekend. We alternate bedtime as we didn't want a situation where one of us always has to do it so the other can go out sometimes (in theory, not so much in covid times). We are equal parents and discussed prior to birth of DD this was a good idea. Fathers should not be incompetent parents!

Yes. Things might not have been done the exact way I did them or as tidy as I would be but he looked after them from when they were newborn and 3.5 so I could go to the gym, out with friends, anything really. Some friends DH don't seem to manage bedtime but that seems like bullshit so the mum doesn't get a proper night out.

Me and dh are totally 50/50 with taking care of our dcs, I work part-time but that's as a result of a job change and country change and just the reality at the mo with a shortage of wrap around childcare in our area and other factors.
He regularly takes them away on camping trips so I can have lovely relaxing weekends and so do I. We swap over frequently while also spending loads of time together as a family. I know loads of women who can't seem to do anything at the weekends ever on their own and I know for a fact it's because their oh don't want to be left with the kids on their own for hours..
Me and my dh have to free each other up as we have no family support and would never get a break otherwise. We have 3 dcs and 2 didn't sleep for years and years so we both got totally burnt out and then started to give each other a break at weekends to sleep or rest or do exercise and its absolutely fantastic!
I don't understand why more couples with kids don't do it and it's not always the case that they all want family time together all weekend, every weekend. I've had so many mothers say to me that they couldn't leave their dcs with their dh for hours at the weekend or that their dh would never go away on their own with the dcs. I know family dynamics are all different but think its a bit of a cop out with some dads .