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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your dh/dp can look after the children independently?

415 replies

Neonprint · 30/04/2021 08:53

Can your dp/dh/father of your children look after them on his own? Two children aged 18 months and 4.5? Or just tow under 5. No additional needs or SEN.

If so for how long? What set up support would be needed if any? For example getting clothes out, sorting food etc. If he did look after them alone would he manage well or just cope?

Is this something which happens regularly in your home? Or would it be like you owed him something and he'd be a bit put out?

To be full transparent just having a conversation with a friend and she felt it's normal her dh can't really (doesn't want to) have the children on his own. When she is out of the house. I don't think this is normal and most fathers can do childcare independently even for pre school age. I look after the kids I know although I love them it's not easy!

I think she thinks what men can do and what they should ideally do are different. So is it unreasonable of me to think a father should look after two children that age? Not sure if I'm being unrealistic?

OP posts:
shouldistop · 30/04/2021 08:56

We have 2 dc under 5 and dh could look after them independently. Ds2 is breastfeeding so I haven't left him for longer than a couple of hours but dh would have no problem if I did.

KateMuff · 30/04/2021 08:57

Both my DH and my father managed no problem. I'm one of 6 and Dad is a very traditional old school man but he managed no problem. I think it's bizarre when I hear this- like when adults can't cook anything or use a washing machine. I'd be utterly ashamed if I couldn't manage my own kids - why isn't he? Or is she enjoying being 'the martyr', which my DGM did, despite DGM managing perfectly well

Original poster
Neonprint · 30/04/2021 08:58

Thanks @shouldistop

Sorry should have said no longer breastfeeding.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 30/04/2021 08:58

Why couldn't he look after his own children, what a strange view! Of course my DH looked after them on his own when they were small he didn't need any instruction.

NeverMetANiceOne · 30/04/2021 08:58

We have 2 under 5, my DH had them on his own for 4 weeks while I had to be away last year Ave he was fine. The house wasn't as tidy as I like it when I got home, but that would have been the case without the children.

I wouldn't procreate with a man who chose to be incompetent.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 30/04/2021 08:59

Why on earth would he not be capable?

TheWayOfTheWorld · 30/04/2021 08:59

Er yes. I had to go away on a work trip for a few days when DC1 was 24 months old and DC2 was 3 months old. They were all fine! And no, I didn't have to leave v detailed lists of foods, schedules, favourite toys etc.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 30/04/2021 09:00

DS’s dad wouldn’t need any help or set up with DS… he’s his father, he knows what he needs, knows how to take care of him. It’s be bloody weird if he didn’t.

Woodpecker22 · 30/04/2021 09:00

Yes but the house will look like a bomb has hit it.

romdowa · 30/04/2021 09:00

Does her partner have an illness or something that would prevent him parenting his children by himself ?

InDubiousBattle · 30/04/2021 09:01

Yes he can. Our dc are 5 and 7 now but from being tiny he has had them alone for varying amounts of time. In terms of support he would need some to work obviously it not just to take care of his own kids! He is unusual amongst our friends though, not being able to put them to bed, not knowing who their teacher/doctor/keyworker is, calling their own mother for back up etc is very,very common.

CaptainAwkward · 30/04/2021 09:01

How bloody depressing!
DH can do everything I do bar breastfeeding and giving birth. Same with household shitwork.
If the father of my children was useless like your friend’s DH then I think my clit would shrivel up and die. Eeeeeew, men children Envy (boak).

Choice4567 · 30/04/2021 09:01

DH would require no ‘set up’ or guidance and he certainly wouldn’t be getting any! They’re his children therefore he can look after them

Pinkyavocado · 30/04/2021 09:02

Yes of course. Mine are older now but he’s had them on his own many times since they were babies if I’ve been away for weekends or longer.

ineedaholidaynow · 30/04/2021 09:04

Only have one child but DH was just as capable as parenting as I was

madmara · 30/04/2021 09:04

We have one child. DH is perfectly capable of looking after him without leaving out clothes, food etc. It's a natural thing, no "payback" or "favours" involved.

Ragwort · 30/04/2021 09:05

Yes of course, DS is much older now so not relevant but I frequently went away when he was young and DH coped ... how depressing to have a DH who can't even parent his own DC. We often holidayed separately and both DH and DC loved trips away camping etc ... they also go skiing together as that's not something I enjoy.

Besom · 30/04/2021 09:05

Oh no that is not normal. DH is actually better at the practical stuff than I am.

Marmite27 · 30/04/2021 09:06

Yes, my DH could. He does the laundry, so more likely to know what clothes they have clean than me.

He forgot sun cream once when he took them to the beach. It cost him £15. I doubt he’d do that again.

Generally if one of us is taking the kids out, and the other isn’t busy we’ll help by packing a day bag/ making lunch. But we’re both equally capable of doing it.

I’ve taken the kids on short breaks alone before, and so has he. They’re going for 4 nights in June, which should be nice for all of us!

Ragwort · 30/04/2021 09:07

Do these useless fathers ever think what might happen if their wife was seriously ill or died, sadly happened to a neighbour of our's, the wife was killed in a car crash and the father obviously had to bring up the three children.

polexiaaphrodesia · 30/04/2021 09:07

Yes of course! We had a couple of business trips I went on where he was absolutely panicked when they were younger but quite frankly as he would have travelled for work without a second thought I did the same.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 30/04/2021 09:08

I would have left a sperm donor who isn't interested in behaving like a father, much less have had another child with him. Yes, my spouse looked after his children independently.

Whatisthisfuckery · 30/04/2021 09:08

The only reason men are unable to look after their own kids is because they don’t want to. There is nothing about having a Y chromosome that makes it impossible to look after children.

zafferana · 30/04/2021 09:08

18 months and 4.5 years? My DH could've managed our DC for as long as it took me to go and get my hair done or do the shopping at that age. TBH, he's not much better now. If I'm going to be out all day - fine - he can manage that by feeding them sandwiches or pizza - but if there were multiple things he had to juggle like an appointment, a party, a sports fixture - all in different places - he'd struggle. If I am ever away for a weekend he needs my DM to come and stay and our DC are 13 and 9.

It's pathetic how he can't juggle their needs with his own, but he's not the only one - I know several dads like this. My own dad was pretty hopeless, as was his, which I think is the main issue here. If you have a parent of the same sex who is capable, then you tend to be capable yourself.

Seeline · 30/04/2021 09:09

Yes of course. As a SAHM, I took responsibility for most child related stuff, but DH was perfectly capable of looking after them. Once they were a bit older - school age - I would have had to left details of things like when PE kit was needed and times/locations of after school activities, because that wasn't something he normally needed to know. But he would have clothed, fed, entertained and kept the house running (better than me in fact!).