To ask if your dh/dp can look after the children independently?

[Neonprint]

Can your dp/dh/father of your children look after them on his own? Two children aged 18 months and 4.5? Or just tow under 5. No additional needs or SEN.

If so for how long? What set up support would be needed if any? For example getting clothes out, sorting food etc. If he did look after them alone would he manage well or just cope?

Is this something which happens regularly in your home? Or would it be like you owed him something and he'd be a bit put out?

To be full transparent just having a conversation with a friend and she felt it's normal her dh can't really (doesn't want to) have the children on his own. When she is out of the house. I don't think this is normal and most fathers can do childcare independently even for pre school age. I look after the kids I know although I love them it's not easy!

I think she thinks what men can do and what they should ideally do are different. So is it unreasonable of me to think a father should look after two children that age? Not sure if I'm being unrealistic?

My spouse was a SAHP with 4 under 7 at one point, and for a bit was also my carer as I ended up bedbound for months, so yeah he was very able to take care of his young children independently indefinitely without my input and enjoyed going out with them (how much the outing was enjoyed depended on a few things, but planning out and going was enjoyed).

Hell, I was babysitting 2 under 5s for hours at a time when I was 12 and was working the church nursery sometimes left with more little ones for a while at 13.

There is a learning curve and it can be difficult at times. I think some parents feel more overwhelmed by the learning curve than others especially if they're used to feeling fully in control and competent (even with my oldest as a teen, I get smacked by the learning curve at times), but I'm not seeing how a well adult couldn't care for a couple of typical young children.

Oh, and while it is only 1, she does have SEN to manage around

I think some women think their dhs can’t look after the children, either because they fear their role being encroached upon, or because the dh is not doing the job to their required standards .

I remember a post on here some while ago with the Op berating her dh for not looking after their dc properly, including not attending the toddler group, watching children’s tv and leaving crumbs in the kitchen. I was surprised that posters were joining in to beat the dh with a stick. If dh had reprimanded me for swerving toddler groups, snoozing in front of Peppa Pig and not keeping a pristine kitchen, he’d have been nagging 24/7...

DP was always good with the kids, we used to split annual leave so he was off for school holidays and then i was off. He always dressed them and cooked for them, changed nappies, did outings with them etc.

When they were teens we had a DD, he is the same with her, looked after her very well and never thought i was owed because he looked after her all day when i was at work. Generally when she has been off sick its is DP who takes the time off to stay at home with her.

My DH is perfectly capable, as is any man who doesn’t have some inherent special needs that prevents him doing this.

It comes down to practice.

The reason some men seem incapable is because they don’t do it enough. This is either because they aren’t around enough to do it, or often that because the woman does it more and is more experienced, she steps in and takes over and it is implied she can do it better. Rather than doing this, she needs to explain what she does and then back away more often so man can do it and learn.

Men are not imbeciles and so are perfectly capable of looking after all their children. They might not enjoy it much or feel they are very good at it or as good as the woman, but they can learn to do it and all it takes is practice.

I wouldn’t be prepared to let my man avoid looking after the children. If there was any sign of them lacking confidence, I’d see it as even more reason for them to spend the time doing it to build confidence. Weekends or evenings need to be arranged so that can happen. Don’t put up with avoidance techniques or pleas of being incapable. It’s crap and too many men do it and sadly I think women are often complicit in letting it happen.

My partner could look after our three indefinitely. I would have no worries about him doing everything I do and his share also.

My husband stayed at home with our son. Apart from a few questionable clothing combinations, he managed perfectly.

I used to travel for work quite frequently so he didn't have much choice!

I honestly can't believe you are asking this.

You are asking if a grown adult can look after his own offspring on his own??!?!

Of course he bloody can. And no I don't provide food, clothes or anything else. I mean my daughters hair sometimes looks a bit wild when he's finished with it but so what?!

We only have one so far, who is nearly 3, and am pregnant. I've had HG and still recovering so the past few months DH has had to look after DC basically himself with me being so unwell. He's a great father and totally capable. Of course sometimes we do things a bit differently and there are some things he cares about a lot less than me - clothes, and the state of the house, for example! But that's all personal preferences and he's perfectly capable of keeping our DC happy, safe, healthy and loved without any input from me. We are planning for him to go part-time when I go back to work after no.2 and he will have both DCs 1-2 days a week himself then.

My DH can and does look after the children on his completely and independently of me. I never ever have to think about it. Ever. That's how it should be.

Yes, let him get on with it.

If he doesn’t do it exactly as you would or the house isn’t in exactly the state it would be with you in charge, just learn to put up with that and relinquish some control.

Dads have to do the childcare in their own way and too much precise instruction or feeling judged as if they are doing it wrong doesn’t help.

I went away a couple of times when mine where that age. I made sure plenty of food in house for all, pointing out what was there (that's me, I still do it though). I wouldn't have expected much in the way of housework, but he was capable of entertaining, feeding and taking them out.

@WorraLiberty

I think sadly in real life, men claiming they can't manage their young kids alone is far more 'normal' than this thread indicates.

I've known of loads of men over the years who have claimed they can't, (because they're not interested in learning), or they've gone down the strategic incompetence route and their wives and mothers have either bought every word or it, or they just worried too much about leaving the kids in their care.

But I think the chances of some MNetters actually admitting their DH's are like that, are pretty slim because they're likely to get flamed and perhaps they don't have the mental energy to deal with that.

I think it's factually correct to say men are capable of looking after kids on their own, unfortunately it doesn't follow that they will. Just because they can and should doesn't mean they do.

There's a lot of men who apparently turn into helpless and flustered little things as soon as kids or housework is expected of them. In a way that they never seem to at work.. funny that.

My DH can look after our 13 month old independently because I didn’t marry an incompetent man-child. 😂
There is no reason men can’t do all the child rearing, a significant number of men feign helplessness because they don’t want to do the boring bits of looking after young children. They get away with it because culturally women are expected to raise the children and men should be praised if they do any more than the bare minimum.

The reason some men can't manage is usually because the DW thinks they can't and has always done it all herself, so I think she's partly to blame.

Of course, he is an equal parent (nearly 3 year old). It wouldn't occur to me for dh not to be able to care for our child.

@TheWayOfTheWorld

Er yes. I had to go away on a work trip for a few days when DC1 was 24 months old and DC2 was 3 months old. They were all fine! And no, I didn't have to leave v detailed lists of foods, schedules, favourite toys etc.

So DC1 was two, then.

Should they be able to, damn YES. Unfortunately you find out they are not so keen once baby appears. Bit like leading a horse to water. You hope it will get better as baby/child gets older. But for some they will do the bits they want or they never will. And by not doing so keeps the other parent stuck at home/no social life which also suits them. I have told my kids, they will both be capable of looking after themselves before they leave home and also when they do, that the house is half and half. Going to ensure they don't continue in a one sided household like they have grown up in.

Exactly @MedusasBadHairDay but you'll rarely see MNetters on these threads admitting their DH's can't/won't look after their own children.

Yet in real life, I see it and hear of it a lot.

Well I had an EMCS so took some recovery time at first with DH doing everything, and then when DS1 was 4 weeks, I was back in hospital with a burst appendix. He had a bit of a crash course of solo parenting a very tiny newborn which even I didn't have to do as he was there for the first 2 weeks on paternity leave.

DH can and always has been able to do everything, he is as on top of things as I am with the one exception of the dentist - he has always had excellent teeth naturally and never seems to have gone to the dentist as a child so it just doesn't occur to him. So that's the one thing that might not happen regularly if I got hit by a bus. Apart from that he is just as capable as I am.

Yes he can.
I overload him with pointless information and get things ready, but that’s because it makes me feel better and more comfortable leaving my children.

He probably does a better job than me because he’s fun dad 😂

In my experience, the men who like to suggest they can’t do it fall into a couple of categories.

There are those who are out at work for long hours. It can mean they don’t see the kids much in the week, but they often then also choose to spend weekend time doing other activities rather than choosing to be with the children or not looking after them in their own. Some seem to feel that because they earn most of the money they are exempt from looking after their kids ever and weekends is their leisure time and childcare doesn’t factor. Somehow, childcare is another ‘work’ task, but they need to see doing it as part if famiky life. They won’t build strong relationships without it and they need to do some on their own to build confidence. However much the man earns and however hard he works, women do him no favour by letting him never spend time with the kids alone and learn to do it. It is a downward vicious sipiral or an upward virtuous one. You choose as women to either feed the idea of it not being their role or being incapable or you help turn the tide.

The other group seem to me like those who might be around more, but have decided childcare is women’s work. They might not say it directly, but it is their view. They think women are inherently better at it and essentially don’t actually want to do it. They don’t take responsibility for their children but shirk it and pass it to the mother. There is some inbuilt sexism here without doubt. And lots of women also feed into this. They feed the idea that women can do it better and men lack the skills. So they both feed the problem and shoot themselves in the foot by perpetuating strong gender stereotypes. In my experience, this thing where men are around but leaving the woman to do nearly all the childcare are often working class men. It’s a generalisation but it’s broadly true. Women seem to give themselves importance by the suggestion only they can do the childcare....but then they moan as well about the outcomes.

The best thing is for men to be actively involved from the start. It makes it easier. Women might be spending the time breastfeeding, but there is lots of other time and jobs to be done that men can be doing to build the bond and confidence. The longer fathers don’t spend time being hands on, the harder it is. But it’s not impossible. All it takes is a bit of recognition if the problem and action to first have the man spend more time with the woman looking after the kids and then having time alone to do it. He’s not going to break the children, so women need to get out of the house and let them do it. And not just once, and then give up becaue try found it hard or didn’t like it much. It needs to be regularly and that’s how confidence and it being ‘normal’ grows.

Men and women together making childcare and interaction ‘women’s work’ deny their kids the full relationship with their father and deny the father the relationship too. Just don’t put up with this in your families but do something about it.

My husband has looked after our 4 children for weeks at a time on his own. He is of an age when a lot of people would expect him to struggle (he is over 20 years older than me, so he is nearly 70 and our children are all still at school).
Most of these times, I've been in hospital, and he managed perfectly well. The children were quite vocal about his cooking being not as good as mine (I cook, he makes frozen food hot!), but nobody died, nobody was poisoned and no visits to A&E were necessary.
When the kids were babies they were all breastfed, so that limited us slightly, but apart from that I have never felt the slightest qualms about leaving him in charge at home.

My husband is totally crap around the house and as I was mainly a SAHM when D.C. were little I was definitely the lead parent but even so when times were tough I would work weekend shifts and he looked after them on his own those days. It didn't occur to either of us that he wouldn't or couldn't do it. The meals they had on those days weren't as carefully cooked or well balanced as they were when I was around but they all survived and have very happy memories of when dad was in charge.

Of course he bloody can, he's an adult.

My friend's husband can look after their two boys as long as it's not over a mealtime, and he can't do bedtime because it's very stressful. The mind boggles.