To ask if your dh/dp can look after the children independently?

[Neonprint]

Can your dp/dh/father of your children look after them on his own? Two children aged 18 months and 4.5? Or just tow under 5. No additional needs or SEN.

If so for how long? What set up support would be needed if any? For example getting clothes out, sorting food etc. If he did look after them alone would he manage well or just cope?

Is this something which happens regularly in your home? Or would it be like you owed him something and he'd be a bit put out?

To be full transparent just having a conversation with a friend and she felt it's normal her dh can't really (doesn't want to) have the children on his own. When she is out of the house. I don't think this is normal and most fathers can do childcare independently even for pre school age. I look after the kids I know although I love them it's not easy!

I think she thinks what men can do and what they should ideally do are different. So is it unreasonable of me to think a father should look after two children that age? Not sure if I'm being unrealistic?

I went back to travelling for work when ds was 6 months (only the odd night till he was 1) leaving DH with a freezer of EBM, nursery, his own FT job, and ds. DH manages perfectly well when I'm away and has for 14 years when I can be away for up to 2 weeks. He doesn't need instructions or meals left.
I have no respect for men who can't look after their own children

Of course! Apart from birth, breastfeeding and my ability to do a cracking French plait there's no difference! I wouldn't be with a man who couldn't take care of his children independently.

Yes absolutely. It might not quite be 'to my standard' house messy, clothes not quite what I would choose etc but he can, of course, look after them with absolutely no input from me if required and I have absolutely no worries at all about him looking after them.

My husband could - but he struggles. The one occasion he had to he did get some help to put one to bed. One does have SEN otherwise I think he’d be ok.

Yep of course they can my DH has been looking after our son pretty much solo for the last 5 weeks whilst I recover.
Even before this he did breakfasts and he looked after him one day a week.

Your friend is making excuses for her enept and lazy parenting from her Oh!

Yes he is perfectly capable. He is less keen and I am better at it but this is because he is a bit of a lazy parent (will park them on their tablets with endless snacks rather than play with them or take them out).

One of mine is a teen now but when they were both younger he was also a bit prone to trying to get me to take one of them with me so he only had to deal with one. He would sometimes get a bit martyrish if I went out for the day/evening and left him with both but I would tell him tough, I do it when you want to go out, so no excuses! We both work FT though (and I earn more) so he can't even pull the Big Important Man Job excuse, ha!

Up to her if she wants to enable his individual laziness but it is an insult to men to suggest that, as a sex, they would not be capable of this. Does she not realise that a lot of men do jobs that are much harder than looking after children?

Dad should be a parent the same way that mum has learnt to be one. I think it’s more complicated with a breastfed baby that wants mum’s comfort, but toddler and a pre school kids shouldn’t be a problem at all.

My DH has always been able to do this, at any age.
When they were 3, 6 & 9 I went to Australia for 6 weeks leaving him in charge of 3 DDs. I was entirely confident he would be fine and he was. When I got back I asked the girls how it had been and apparently the only domestic disaster was that he shrank all their tights!

Yes. My husband was able to look after two children, and he has a disability. Absolutely no reason why a man should not be able to.

I’m still BF and with Covid not been able to go anywhere anyway-but DH perfectly capable of having DD. He does do whole days now and again, regularly does half days.

His outfit choices are a bit interesting! He sometimes puts things on back to front and avoids tights. But he can do everything else perfectly well.

The only thing he hasn’t mastered is putting together cloth nappies. He changes them, he washes them-but he can’t get his head around the different inserts. But that said, if he needed to put some together they’d work, even if he might not have matched them up properly (we have 3 different sorts of pockets with different inserts and boosters).

This is not normal. My dh has his useless moments, but he could absolutely manage to take care of his own children.

Dc are not that close in age but I distinctly remember having a conference in the States and being away for a week and they were all ok.

Your friends partner just doesn’t want to I assume he can manage to drive a car, monitor his bank accounts and other stuff. He is just lazy and she is enabling his lazy behaviour.

But he told me the reaction of the school mums had been amazement and comments like "She's gone for 6 weeks?? My husband wouldn't even do that for a weekend!" So he was left with the impression most men either can't or won't

The only thing DH struggles with is Dd's hair 😂 oh and he picks out outfits for them that I wouldn't choose but are weather appropriate and perfectly adequate.

Both of mine were bottle fed so I was able to leave them with DH to go for days out/weekends away with my friends as soon as I was comfortable with being away from them (8ish weeks I think). We also tag team with shifts at work so he was on his own with them while I was working from 9 months old. I couldn't be doing with a bloke that wouldn't look after his own kids.

Absolutely. I’ve been out with friends, been on a short break with my sister, stayed over with friends and he gets on with it.
When they were younger, I would help him by making sure the fridge was well stocked, that there was food like croissants and fruit that were readily available in case he got busy and kids were hungry.

I would often go on week long holidays when the kids were little, if my DH had even given the briefest hint he couldn't manage i would have been furious. We have raised them together and he is just as good, if not better, than me at looking after them, even when they were under 1.

I can't understand why any right minded woman would stay with a man who has such little interest in raising the children he helped create, that isn't an even relationship and the imbalance frankly makes me disgusted at some men.

I think sadly in real life, men claiming they can't manage their young kids alone is far more 'normal' than this thread indicates.

I've known of loads of men over the years who have claimed they can't, (because they're not interested in learning), or they've gone down the strategic incompetence route and their wives and mothers have either bought every word or it, or they just worried too much about leaving the kids in their care.

But I think the chances of some MNetters actually admitting their DH's are like that, are pretty slim because they're likely to get flamed and perhaps they don't have the mental energy to deal with that.

In non-covid times I travel for work - up to 2 weeks at a time 2-3 times a year to the Far east.

Boyfriend has had to manage this plus working full time. Luckily we have his family close by to help out if needed but his mum doesn't come to stay over.... I made it very clear I would still be traveling for work post baby and he is really hands on.

He is more than competent day to day, packs toddlers bag for nursery, puts on washing, gets him dressed and fed in the mornings. Reads books, makes sure he is fed at night and is better at doing 'bedtime' than I am.

He is great at parenting. I cant believe he seems to be some kind of freakish exception.

Yes absolutely, and for days a time whilst I work away or have a short holiday with friends if needs be. He’s just as capable as I am.

Perfectly capable. I'm going on a work offsite next week, 3 nights. I will do the usual food shop before I go but that's it.
DH will be on his own with ds13m and dd4y. He will do the cooking, cleaning, stories, playtime, packing bags for daycare, drop offs and pick ups. Just like I would if he was away. When we are both home we share the load and just get on with it all. We live overseas from family so it's just us and there's no knight in shining armour coming to save the day!

I wouldn't have had children with a man who was unable to cope with looking after children. And yes, I think you can know if they are going to be capable before the DC come along, just as much as you know a woman will.

Too many women end up trapped with useless men, I am always shocked when people think this sort of stuff is okay.

Barring a disability, men should be able to look after their children on their own without prior prep!

I think it's really sad this is even a question. How little society expects from fathers!

My husband has always been every bit as capable of raising our children as I am, and yes, both of them are disabled too.

I'm aware that sounds like a boast which pisses me off because it bloody shouldn't be possible to be taken that way.

Every adult should be competent to care for their young (with aids etc in case of disability). It's a bloody disgrace that that's not the case.

DH is more than capable. I did leave rough instructions when they were still bottle fed, mainly timings etc but I just leave the house now and he gets on with it. As it should be really.

Well, DH did look after our only DD plenty of times at that age. I had to travel for work on occasion, and also was studying for a masters as part of FT work.

He also, if she was sick, shared the load with me on who took time off.

I made life easier if i was away and had a chance beforehand re meals etc. But DH is very handy around the house anyway, he does more of the laundry, and we always shared care of DD (bath, changing, nappies, feeding, getting her to sleep etc).

If he was left to it FT alone, there may have been a period of adjustment on some things like organising appointments etc, and making sure shopping was done before it was needed and not needing to drag a screaming toddler around supermarket at 7pm looking for that night's dinner.....bubt it wouldn't have taken long to get his own systems in place and thinking ahead back on track.