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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your dh/dp can look after the children independently?

415 replies

Neonprint · 30/04/2021 08:53

Can your dp/dh/father of your children look after them on his own? Two children aged 18 months and 4.5? Or just tow under 5. No additional needs or SEN.

If so for how long? What set up support would be needed if any? For example getting clothes out, sorting food etc. If he did look after them alone would he manage well or just cope?

Is this something which happens regularly in your home? Or would it be like you owed him something and he'd be a bit put out?

To be full transparent just having a conversation with a friend and she felt it's normal her dh can't really (doesn't want to) have the children on his own. When she is out of the house. I don't think this is normal and most fathers can do childcare independently even for pre school age. I look after the kids I know although I love them it's not easy!

I think she thinks what men can do and what they should ideally do are different. So is it unreasonable of me to think a father should look after two children that age? Not sure if I'm being unrealistic?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 30/04/2021 09:34

My husband is a better parent than me.

HermioneKipper · 30/04/2021 09:35

Yes my DH looked after our daughter solo many times from when she was very small and is a totally equal parent with our now 1 year old twins as well. Regularly has all 3 of them on his own although it’s hard work with twin toddlers. I myself struggle with them on my own. He did more than his fair share of night wakings too.

He just sees it as his role as well despite also working in a busy management role for work

MizMoonshine · 30/04/2021 09:36

He could. They'd all survive. But it wouldn't be to my standards.
I left him with both kids for a morning two weeks ago, so I could go out for a run. He had to get them fed, dressed and take the older one to taekwondo.
They left late, the boy didn't have his hair brushed and the little one didn't eat her food.
I would have managed it all, but it's what I do every day. We have different jobs within the family unit.

swimlittlefishy · 30/04/2021 09:37

What an odd question. Of course my DH can look after his own children, and needs no set up or support of any kind. He's just as capable as I am (if not more so in some areas).
Men choose not to do it, its not that they can't. And some women let them make that choice, which I'll never understand.

steppemum · 30/04/2021 09:37

of course. my dh can look after his own kids.
What a strange idea.

My kids are now teens, but when they were little, we lived overseas.
When dd2 was 18 months old, she had an accident and she and I flew home to UK.
Dh stayed overseas with 5 year old and 3 year old for a month, and then came and joined us.

I would not be with a man who could not look after himself (cooking cleaning washing) and then by extension look after their own kids

Dollywilde · 30/04/2021 09:37

9 month old here and DH is exactly as capable as me when it comes to taking care of her (except the place is way more of a bomb site when I come back but I don’t say anything because I know what a PITA chasing around after a crawling baby is like and it doesn’t really matter Grin) Not had a night away since she was born but have had 3 full days away and no problem at all.

Love51 · 30/04/2021 09:37

Worth noting that when my husband took my 2 and 4 year old swimming he got a lot of praise from anyone who this was mentioned to. It became a bit of a standing joke so he dropped it into conversation a lot. I had been taking both children swimming fortnightly since DC 2 had all his jabs, no one felt the need to say well done!

Dollywilde · 30/04/2021 09:38

@Merryoldgoat

My husband is a better parent than me.
Same, actually. He’s more patient and engaged (although I suspect at the moment that’s because I’m still on ML with her and it’s hard work staying patient and engaged all day every day Wink)
motherloaded · 30/04/2021 09:39

being a mother or father makes absolutely no difference on anyone's ability to look after their children. None.

It is harder to catch up when you are the one working full-time and the other is being a SAH parent. It doesn't mean it's a big deal. I have been away for a few days for work in the past, and when I came back my toddler favourite food had changed, there was a new routine for bed time because they had decided they needed different soft toys, and I am the mum!

CoolCatTaco · 30/04/2021 09:40

My DD is older now, but DH was grand looking after her. The only things he couldn't really be trusted with was picking out clothes and doing her hair. He seemed to always hone in on the too small tatty stuff that I hadn't got around to bucking our, like the toddler equivalent of paint clothes, and his ponytail efforts were ridiculous. But he was able (and willing) to feed, care for and entertain her.

motherloaded · 30/04/2021 09:41

Some mothers are also guilty of being over-protective of their "territories" and don't allow their partner to do anything (then moan).

There was a brilliant thread where a poster was laughing and abusing her husband who took the kids out all day to give her a break. He didn't take the "right hat". He fed the kids at the "wrong time", he did this wrong, that wrong... All sounded absolutely fine, just preferences and everybody should have been happy.

I don't believe many fathers are as bad.

Theweedonkeeey · 30/04/2021 09:43

Yes. There are some things that are ‘my job’ usually like I do teeth, eczema creams, bedtime and getting dressed. Not because I’m some kind of 50s housewife- because he does the tidying and cleaning in the evenings and he leaves for work early (after getting the kids up and giving them breakfast). On the occasional days when he’s the one doing ‘my jobs’ I do tend to leave out pyjama/clothes ready but if I don’t then the worst that happens is that they end up wearing colours that don’t match 😂

ALevelhelp · 30/04/2021 09:44

@motherloaded

Some mothers are also guilty of being over-protective of their "territories" and don't allow their partner to do anything (then moan).

There was a brilliant thread where a poster was laughing and abusing her husband who took the kids out all day to give her a break. He didn't take the "right hat". He fed the kids at the "wrong time", he did this wrong, that wrong... All sounded absolutely fine, just preferences and everybody should have been happy.

I don't believe many fathers are as bad.

A (ex) friend of mine was always like this, her DH was useless when their DS was a young child, he wasn't even capable of doing the school run - he was more than capable, his wife just wouldn't have him being as good a parent to their son as she was. Very odd!
DappledThings · 30/04/2021 09:44

@Regularsizedrudy

Yes my Dh can look after the kids independently for any length of time because I didn’t marry a selfish half wit.
Exactly. I think this summarises it entirely!

Both were ebf to 6 months and younger one never took a bottle so there was a certain dependence on me being there near constantly pre-weaning but otherwise equal.

I can't imagine having to tell him what clothes to dress them in, or food to make them. Aged 5 and 3 now.

Iliketeaagain · 30/04/2021 09:45

Of course DH can - I wouldn't have had a 2nd one if he was incapable.

In fact he was made redundant while I was on mat leave with no2, and I went back to work early as he decided he wanted a few months of being a sahd before he got a new job.

He has taken them both abroad to see family from when they were small by himself.

There have been a couple of occasions I've picked up dd at nursery and been Blush at what she was dressed in (the nursery staff just laughed when I asked if she arrived wearing that), but he manages just fine. I start work earlier, so he was always responsible for getting them up, dressed and to nursery / before school childcare.

I have a couple of friends in a group of us who comment how lucky we are that our DPs will babysit / bring to birthday parties etc - it's not luck, it's the expectation that the fully able male parent will be a parent, rather than an occasional babysitter.

Merryoldgoat · 30/04/2021 09:45

The only think my DH isn’t great with is illness - he panics where as I’m much calmer. I think it helps that my mum was a nurse and I was brought up in a very big family with lots of children so I was aware from early what danger signs were and when not to worry too much.

DH had never heard of croup and stuff like that. However as soon as little one gets a nasty cold we start packing a bag as 9/10 times we’re heading to hospital.

WinterStrawbsAreLikeTurnip · 30/04/2021 09:45

My ex ... I had a medical appointment when newborn was 4 days old that took all day. I'd left a full feeding schedule and all instructions (to be prepared, nobody told me this stuff I had to use brain - baby in 2 hour feeding schedule for medical reasons) ... baby ended up in hospital dehydrated as he forgot to feed the baby. I have never been more angry to use MN phrases I seethed! And worse the importance of feeding etc was explained to me at hospital as if it was my fault for leaving baby. I had an urgent medical appointment due to serious health issues.

KFleming · 30/04/2021 09:46

Of course he can. He’s not incompetent.

JSL52 · 30/04/2021 09:47

What an absolute joke of a man who can't look after their own children. Doesn't matter re SEN - the mother had to learn.

majesticallyawkward · 30/04/2021 09:48

It's lovely to see so many replies saying the DH is a capable adult!

My DH can do everything I do (birth and breastfeeding aside but we're past those now) and we share everything pretty evenly. DC are 5 and 18m and we both regularly have them alone, the house is usually tidier after dh has been in charge. He's fully capable of dressing and feeding them, some of his outfit choices are questionable but it's not limited to the dc. If he's alone on an evening and I know it's a busy one I might prep a meal to save time but it's not something that needs to be done and he would do the same for me.

I can't imagine having children with a man incapable of caring for them or allowing that kind of behaviour to continue. When I hear someone saying their partner is 'useless' or can't care for their children I get them really angry, I have a friend who has 3 dc and he has never changed a nappy, fed any of them, got up in the night, bathed them, taken the dc out alone, looked after all 3 at the same time or done a school run and both he and his dw laugh about it. It's ridiculous that either of them think that's ok.

Imreaaaaady · 30/04/2021 09:48

I work full time during the day and my DH works in the evening so he has them all day.

I can't be doing with useless men who don't know how to look after their own kids. It's not rocket science and it's disrespectful to women when men act like they're incapable of doing so.

AudHvamm · 30/04/2021 09:49

DP has regularly had sole care of our 7 month old for 4-5 hours at a time since they were a few weeks old. Baby takes a bottle which helps. He is completely capable of dressing, napping, feeding appropriately (now weaned) etc. We do often discuss particulars before I leave them but I know he’d work it out if we didn’t.

My own dad was not a very hands-on parent in the day-to-day sense (he worked long hours & travelled a lot of work; mum was SAHM) but even he managed to take me on a weeks holiday without her (just him and a mate) when I was 2.5

Nesski · 30/04/2021 09:51

@Neonprint it might be the case where your friend is selling her husband short of what he's capable of. Has she ever just experimented and let him get on with it? Sure the house will look like a bombsite and perhaps some activities would be questionable (dads tend to be a bit more 'relaxed' in their parenting style), but push came to shove the children will probably survive Grin

paralysedbyinertia · 30/04/2021 09:51

We only have one, and she is too old to need looking after now, but when she was younger, DH could and did care for her as required. Of course he was capable.

I can't imagine who these parents are who don't know how to look after their own children!

SonnyWinds · 30/04/2021 09:51

DH is almost undoubtedly a better parent than I am. I do things like the organising (paying nursery fees, booking doctors appointments, ensuring DS meets his milestones and looking up strategies to improve, creating a routine etc etc) but DH makes DS so happy. He reads and plays and is just wonderful. I could disappear completely with no notice and I have no doubt at all that DH would be able to handle absolutely everything. I can't really see how it could ever not be the case though - he's a parent so he knows how to parent.