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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely fuming - in laws

433 replies

I8toys · 29/04/2021 13:38

I just need to calm down before I take it out on my husband.

In laws are looking to downsize to our area - that's another thread on its own - not happy about it.

Heard a conversation between dh and them last night about popping around and parking outside our house whilst they went for a wander around the area. I said remind them I'm working please - ie don't knock on or come in. Oh that's okay we've got a flask they said.

Just finished a zoom with my boss and the door goes. Husband is at work. A delivery and my fil standing behind the delivery driver. WTF. Can we go the little boys room mil asks. What can I say no! So she goes to the downstairs loo and then they proceed to enter the house and wander around - looking in the garden. Still made no attempt to leave so to be polite I had to offer a cup of tea as they were here so long. Then they mentioned lunch but luckily it was too early.

So there I am answering emails whilst fil just chats away about eff all. They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing.

I didn't say anything because I thought WTF but they aren't even supposed to be in my house. We're not in a bubble. They have had both jabs but I haven't. They could give it to me.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
19thNamechange · 29/04/2021 14:39

My FIL stopped to speak to me on my way home from work the other day. "Do you still work at ...? Ah, gets you out the house I suppose." Annoyed me so much. He wouldn't say that to my DP. My FIL lives two doors down from us, so there's been many a time he just pops round at 9am on a Saturday morning for no reason etc. He's got a new wife so it's not like he's lonely. He has also spouted a load of rascist rubbish in front of my 6 year old, which really upset me. He's the sort of man who sees an attractive woman on TV and says "phroar!", also in front of my 6 year old. My DP just looks embarrassed and never tells him off. I think he's afraid of him tbh. In short I detest my FIL so would also be annoyed too OP.

Leeds2 · 29/04/2021 14:40

I don't think YABU for not wanting to be disturbed, but you did rather spoil things by offering a cuppa!
Personally, I wouldn't answer the door next time and make sure to have the key in the lock on your side, so that any key they may have won't work. Or, if you have to answer the door so that they can use the bathroom, stand by the open door so that it is obvious they are meant to leave.

Darkbrownistheriver · 29/04/2021 14:40

It wouldn’t bother me ..... because I’d have said, ‘Sure you can use the loo, no problem’. Then I’d have also said, ‘Lovely to see you, but I must get on now’ and shown them the door smiling all the time. I’m rude like that.

Cushionsnotpillows · 29/04/2021 14:40

I didn't say anything because I thought WTF

More fool you. Use your words, it helps. It's called communication.

Figgygal · 29/04/2021 14:41

Id have let them use the loo and that would’ve been it you certainly gave mixed messages offering a drink

5zeds · 29/04/2021 14:41

Ask for the key back.

Heatherjayne1972 · 29/04/2021 14:41

Get a ring doorbell. And make sure they can’t get in if they try the handle

I ended up locking the now ex mil out

It was the only way

OutspokenNotThatFunny · 29/04/2021 14:42

Massively over reacting.

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 29/04/2021 14:42

Have to say, I'd be fine with this, and I've a job where I've a lot of calls and deadlines. Would have made them a tea, and worked from my laptop and chatted where I could. Its family. Would be furious if my partner was rude or dismissive of my mum, or couldn't even grab her a drink.

Having said that, I would put boundaries in for when they move to your area. So much frustration and resentment is down to miscommunication and differing expectations on both sides. Get your key back, be clear about no visits without calling first or messaging its convenient etc. Whatever your triggers are. I hate people casually dropping in with no warning!!

CovidSmart · 29/04/2021 14:43

You’re not over reacting but you need to start treating your job with the same seriousness you expect them to treat it.

Don’t make small talk. Don’t offer cups of tea.
Just remind them that you are work and tell them you need to get back to work. Sit down and read emails etc.. whilst pointedly ignoring them.
Even better, if you are in a separate room, close the door.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 29/04/2021 14:44

Just think when they move to your area they'll be able to pop in all the time Grin

BMW6 · 29/04/2021 14:44

Don't have a go at your husband - this was YOUR fault for not telling them that they can use the loo but then must leave as you are working!

You really must get to grips with this before they move nearby - especially if they have a key to your house! If you don't want them to just let themselves in you MUST make it clear to them.

AnotherEmma · 29/04/2021 14:45

Why on earth do they have a key?!

MajorMujer · 29/04/2021 14:45

Get the key back too, op.
DH got FIL's key back after he let himself in one morning, I had been on a run of 4 nights so was asleep in bed and he came into the bedroom and shook me awake to tell me it was a disgrace that I was still in bed at that time.
He learned some new swear words that day !!!

BingBunnyIsAnnoying · 29/04/2021 14:45

I hope they don't move too close to you. Sounds very odd having to park by your house to have a look around. There must be other streets they could have parked in

Offering a cup of tea was not a good move, I thought you wanted to get rid of them asap!

Laiste · 29/04/2021 14:46

You've done well here OP. Lots of good advice. I was going to say that i've learned over the years when i over react it's because i didn't react at the time or didn't react enough.

It's hard, dealing with inlaws. They're your family - but they're not. Y'know? :)
Flowers

BIWI · 29/04/2021 14:47

They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing

Nice bit of casual ageism there, OP Hmm

Laiste · 29/04/2021 14:47

And i think you DO need a whole other thread for the moving to be near you thing god help you Wink

Livpool · 29/04/2021 14:48

YABU

I wfh and this doesn't bother me. PIL and DPs collect DS from school then bring him here and wait for me to finish.

Is it just that you don't like them?

themalamander · 29/04/2021 14:51

@bettertimesarecomingnow

She was at work. Would you walk into someones office, after being told not to visit and stand around talking at them for 20 minutes whilst suggestively looking at the cup of coffee in her hand? I'm guess that her own family would never put her in that position. She as at work. Being at home doesnt change that; it's a working day and if her boss is expecting emails to be returned at that time then she cannot just take a lunch break.

I really hate it when people think working from home isn't the same as being at work and unavailable. It absolutely is, and they were told not to visit.

Vickles20 · 29/04/2021 14:52

Good to see you’re going to be better prepared next time. Yes they over stepped. But you allowed it. Unfortunately setting a precedent here.
Don’t be scared to set boundaries.
See them more as pestilent children. Take control. And breathe. Please. It’ll be alright. With them moving. You can easily fix this.

They certainly took a mile didn’t they. My kids do that. Give an inch. They take a mile.

frazzledasarock · 29/04/2021 14:53

They don’t feel they’re being rude intruding on you, you shouldn’t feel rude telling them to leave you’re working.

Next time put your tea down, go to the door open it and tell them you need to get back to work. Goodbye then.

I absolutely would do this. And it’s not actually rude as you never bloody invited them in the first place and your H told them you would be working. They were rude to intrude.

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 14:53

No! You are mot being unreasonable at all! But this site sends my blood pressure up because the solution to 99% of problems is so, so, ever so simple......COMMUNICATE!!!!! If you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will, instead, they will walk all over you as your inlaws have. You should have simply said 'I'm sorry, I'm working and am so busy, I can't entertain you (while walking them to the door)'. Instead, not only did you not stand up for yourself, you even made them a cup of tea (ok, wtf?)

This site would not exist if people simply had a backbone, cast off the typical British meekness and stood up for themselves. If you let them annoy you, they will continue to do so. That is why you need to stand up for yourself.

I'd also have a genuine talk with your husband about them moving to your suburb (in my experience, at least one suburb or two in between you and inlaws made greater and better inlaw relations), and suggest to him you may want to move if they move to your suburb. I don't think you will talk to your husband though (seen far too many pushovers on here to know and to know what poster will stand their ground and who won't), and they will move there, then be on your doorstep regularly.

And, you will be back on here in 2 years asking for advice to stop you contemplating murdering the inlaws, the DH, or both.

Just talk to your husband and tell him he/you need to dissuade them, or you're moving yourself.

Life is far too short to put up with this misery when you don't have to.

themalamander · 29/04/2021 14:54

@MajorMujer

Omg. What happened after? Did he apologise? What a twat!

stackemhigh · 29/04/2021 14:55

@bettertimesarecomingnow

I think you are overreacting sorry.

They are family - would you treat your mum like that?

My dp would be horrified if I treated his folks like that!!

You make tea, mention you are working and maybe take an early lunch break? Surely it's not that hard to be hospitable.

Do you serve tea to your PIL when they come to your place of work?
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