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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely fuming - in laws

433 replies

I8toys · 29/04/2021 13:38

I just need to calm down before I take it out on my husband.

In laws are looking to downsize to our area - that's another thread on its own - not happy about it.

Heard a conversation between dh and them last night about popping around and parking outside our house whilst they went for a wander around the area. I said remind them I'm working please - ie don't knock on or come in. Oh that's okay we've got a flask they said.

Just finished a zoom with my boss and the door goes. Husband is at work. A delivery and my fil standing behind the delivery driver. WTF. Can we go the little boys room mil asks. What can I say no! So she goes to the downstairs loo and then they proceed to enter the house and wander around - looking in the garden. Still made no attempt to leave so to be polite I had to offer a cup of tea as they were here so long. Then they mentioned lunch but luckily it was too early.

So there I am answering emails whilst fil just chats away about eff all. They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing.

I didn't say anything because I thought WTF but they aren't even supposed to be in my house. We're not in a bubble. They have had both jabs but I haven't. They could give it to me.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Scarlettpixie · 29/04/2021 13:53

Yabu to be fuming about them being there when you have invited them in and offered them a cuppa. You are giving out all the wrong signals!

Why didn’t you just say ‘yes, ok for you to just pop to the loo but I can’t invite you in because I am really busy working and you know, covid.’?

Standrewsschool · 29/04/2021 13:54

I think you were over-reacting. Fine to allow them to use the toilet, but then mention that you can’t chat as you were working.

Sunshineandflipflops · 29/04/2021 13:55

My parents do this all the time but I let it wash over me. I am permanently WFH at the moment and they randomly turn up at my back door, next to where I sit to work, and scare the life out of me. If I am not on a call I will have a quick chat with them (they are usually just popping by while on a walk), but there have been a few times when I've had to wave them away and tell them I am on a call. I will always text after and say "sorry - was on a call, anything important"?

I don't mind mostly but a quick text before hand would save the hassle of me being unavailable and feeling bad about it.

Not sure I'd be quite so understanding of in laws doing the same thing but fortunately I don't have any anymore!

Crimblecrumble1990 · 29/04/2021 13:55

I think using the toilet is fine but then you go 'gosh shame I can't offer you a cup of tea as I'm just about to be on a call' etc as you usher them back out.

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 29/04/2021 13:57

I don't understand why you couldn't just let them use the loo, but then say, "Sorry I can't offer you a drink and have a meeting to attend so I'll have to catch up with you over the phone/another time." Job done.

stackemhigh · 29/04/2021 13:57

What bad timing that they came at the same time as the delivery driver!

Otherwise you could have just ignored the doorbell. Could you not have said you're working and can't have visitors?

Moondust001 · 29/04/2021 13:57

I have some sympathy, although I do think you are overreacting as well. You perhaps need to be clearer - asking to use the loo is fair enough, but it would have been easy to say "sorry, I'm working, no time to talk or socialise".

Also, I assume that you have finished work for the day and are not ranting on Mumsnet during working hours, because that would also be a waste of your valuable working time.

Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 13:58

I know I am really passive and need to stand up for myself. I will use those tactics next time and try not to be such a walk over. As it will happen again now they've got the idea to move.

They always seem to arrive when dh is not around so I end up having to entertain them which really grates.

OP posts:
Biker47 · 29/04/2021 13:59

You shouldn't have let them stay or offered them a drink. You should have just said you were busy working, which you were.

But treat this as a potential preview of what your life will be like if they move close enough to your house.

Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 14:00

I know Biker - I am going to pay off every estate agent in the area to say there is nothing available. We need to manage this now before they get anything.

OP posts:
SnoozyBoozy · 29/04/2021 14:01

I think yabu if only because as an adult, surely you are capable of saying 'by all means use the loo, but I'm working right now so can't chat, but we'll catch up another time'...

You can't offer them a cup of tea and then complain they got in your way! This is on you really.

AmandaHoldensLips · 29/04/2021 14:01

But your job is not important because you are a woman. Everyone knows that the men have to be prioritised and given a medal for working so hard, but the wimmin? Not so much...

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2021 14:02

Next time just say you’ve got a call and are too busy so they need to go.

These responses are very at odds with the normal respect for wfh on here. I expect it’s because you’ve said they’re not in your bubble and a lot of people on MN have become rabidly averse to respecting your current restrictions.

If you hadn’t said that and just said you were working and they invited themselves in the responses would have said you WNBU and should have turfed them back out.

Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 14:05

The reason I offered a drink was because I had a cup of coffee in my hand and they weren't looking in the slightest as if they were going to leave. You're right about mixed signals.

The thing is if I said I was busy they'd just come back with its okay leave us until you're finished.

Give me some stock phrases to use next time please.

OP posts:
MustBeTheWine · 29/04/2021 14:07

I think YABU for not saying anything to them. You wouldn't have been rude if you'd explained you were working and couldn't sit and chat. Instead you invited them to hang around longer by offering to make them a cup of tea

Maray1967 · 29/04/2021 14:11

Here we go:
It’s okay, you leave us.
No, it’s not, I’m afraid; I’m working and I need to be on a confidential call very shortly. (While standing with the door open).
I’m not joking - there is no way I would have anyone barge in like this. You have to stop this now or they’ll be round all the time.

Maray1967 · 29/04/2021 14:12

And if they get upset you ask them would they have turned up at DH workplace and expect to sit there? Well your home is your workplace during office hours (or whatever).

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 29/04/2021 14:13

YANBU at all for being annoyed.

Shot yourself in the foot a bit offering tea.

Really the thing to do was say "sorry I can't offer you a cup of tea as I am up to my ears in work but lets catch up soon" and open the front door to facilitate their departure...

Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 14:13

Thanks @Maray1967.

Reading these responses I realise its okay to say no sometimes and not just accept things.

OP posts:
VegCheeseandCrackers · 29/04/2021 14:15

Such an over reaction. If you had a cuppa and thought they wanted one a very simple 'sorry folks I am working right now but my lovely husband/your lovely son will look after you and get you tea' would have more than sufficed. Or just tell them you can't talk now and you'll catch up another time.
Instead you've made them tea and you got really annoyed they didn't immediately leave. Yabu. Who takes being made a cup of tea as a signal they need to leave?

MrsR87 · 29/04/2021 14:15

@I8toys

The reason I offered a drink was because I had a cup of coffee in my hand and they weren't looking in the slightest as if they were going to leave. You're right about mixed signals.

The thing is if I said I was busy they'd just come back with its okay leave us until you're finished.

Give me some stock phrases to use next time please.

Then you need to reply, “we’ll I don’t finish until 5pm (or whatever) so let’s arrange something for another time”. You said this was before lunch so I think they would leave at this point.

Next time they look like they want a tea say something like “I’d love to offer you a drink but I’ve got to get back to work”.

Or, you could just be blunt…you said they shouldn’t be there because they aren’t in your bubble and no indoor visitors, so just be honest - you can have a cup of tea as you can’t stay in the house.

katy1213 · 29/04/2021 14:16

If you can't speak up for yourself and say, 'Sorry, you can't come in/have tea, I'm busy' then really it's no wonder that people think your work must be unimportant.

Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 14:17

I made them a cup of tea after about 20 minutes just standing around chatting awkwardly. They made no intention to go. I realise it was a fatal error! Have learned for next time.

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 29/04/2021 14:18

What an over reaction. You want someone out of your house so you offer them a cup of tea, what was your thought process there? Surely you would just say, please excuse me I have so much work to do, you can see yourself out, have a nice day.

Purplewithred · 29/04/2021 14:18

No, but it might have been better to say nicely but clearly "It's a shame I'm working so you can't come in, just shut the door as you leave, speak soon" then go back to your working space without speaking to them any more. Or make a pretend phone call.

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