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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely fuming - in laws

433 replies

I8toys · 29/04/2021 13:38

I just need to calm down before I take it out on my husband.

In laws are looking to downsize to our area - that's another thread on its own - not happy about it.

Heard a conversation between dh and them last night about popping around and parking outside our house whilst they went for a wander around the area. I said remind them I'm working please - ie don't knock on or come in. Oh that's okay we've got a flask they said.

Just finished a zoom with my boss and the door goes. Husband is at work. A delivery and my fil standing behind the delivery driver. WTF. Can we go the little boys room mil asks. What can I say no! So she goes to the downstairs loo and then they proceed to enter the house and wander around - looking in the garden. Still made no attempt to leave so to be polite I had to offer a cup of tea as they were here so long. Then they mentioned lunch but luckily it was too early.

So there I am answering emails whilst fil just chats away about eff all. They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing.

I didn't say anything because I thought WTF but they aren't even supposed to be in my house. We're not in a bubble. They have had both jabs but I haven't. They could give it to me.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
CuddlyDudley71 · 29/04/2021 22:59

I'd nip it in the bud before they move nearer.

saraclara · 29/04/2021 23:06

The in-laws behaviour however, that the OPs work isn't important and she should host them whenever they want because she's a women, is sexist.

There is absolutely nothing in what happened to suggest the above. They asked to use the toilet. Everything after that.happened at the OP's suggestion. FFS she even offered them a cup of tea! If she'd let them in to use the toilet (and seriously, who wouldn't?)* and then sent them on their way, there wouldn't be anything for us to discuss.

  • I like that a pp has told us that there's a shopping centre and public toilets nearby. I can only assume she's the OP's neighbour.

There is no shopping centre within 10 miles of me. There might be a public toilet in the next small town 2-3 miles away, but I can't be sure. If that's the case for the OP, then no, the 80 year old PILs might well have had little option but to all to use hers.

worriedatthemoment · 29/04/2021 23:17

Fine to borrow the loo , but would of gone back upstairs and said I had a work call

SnackSizeRaisin · 29/04/2021 23:44

Hmm. Either you were working and couldn't give them tea and chat, or you actually did have time but just didn't want to. The fact that you did makes it seem like the latter.
The situation sounds annoying. But it's up to you to say "sorry I have to work". You can't really blame them. If the real reason is that you resent them and don't want to spend time with them, then work is the perfect excuse. I also think that taking half an hour to show a bit of hospitality to your in laws is not a big ask, as long as they are nice and it happens only occasionally. After all they probably don't really understand what working from home is. On the other hand you don't have to like them, and if you really don't want to see them, you need to put the boundaries in place to make it clear.

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 29/04/2021 23:45

@worriedatthemoment

Fine to borrow the loo , but would of gone back upstairs and said I had a work call
Borrow the loo?!
SnackSizeRaisin · 29/04/2021 23:46

I can't stand my in laws so if this happened would probably say I had an urgent meeting. I would let them use the toilet though.

Sibi67 · 29/04/2021 23:53

They needed the loo, what else could you do and it's easy to offer tea to be polite but if that sends you from ..happily working at home to fuming, that's on you. Dont please others at your expense ...say no!

TiltTopTable · 29/04/2021 23:55

What a mean spirited thread. Imagine one day your own children speaking about you in similar terms. Nobody is perfect, and yes maybe they shouldn't have taken up your time but it's hardly the crime of the century is it?

apooagnuandyou · 29/04/2021 23:57

@TiltTopTable

What a mean spirited thread. Imagine one day your own children speaking about you in similar terms. Nobody is perfect, and yes maybe they shouldn't have taken up your time but it's hardly the crime of the century is it?
I wouldn't treat my own kids and their partner with less respect that I give anyone else.

When in-laws behave with so little consideration towards their DIL, they can't complain if they are not really appreciated.

Sibi67 · 30/04/2021 00:00

I would appreciate honesty in my kids, say not now or make tea I'll catch up in a bit..you know honesty! No crime just dont put yourself in these situations, they're clearly taking kindness for weakness.

apooagnuandyou · 30/04/2021 00:02

remind them I'm working please - ie don't knock on or come in. Oh that's okay we've got a flask they said.

how more honesty do you want?

Homehaircuts · 30/04/2021 00:06

Fine to use the loo but I would of been annoyed if you said you were busy and working and they didn't respect that. You did offer them a cup of tea though (even if you were fuming inside) they will think it's ok. After the loo you could of said sorry but I must crack on with work now I will catch up with you l soon or something

Sibi67 · 30/04/2021 00:08

The bit where shes making tea and clearly doesn't have time...then 'absolutely fuming??'
Point missed ..be kinder to yourself..

reader12 · 30/04/2021 00:08

You should have stood up for yourself at the time, instead of being fake polite than and then angry afterwards. Let them in to use the loo, explain you’re working & go back to your work area.

rottielove · 30/04/2021 00:14

Annoying but it's not like they mean to be...

flowerbombVR · 30/04/2021 08:40

Get a grip

Rubyrecka · 30/04/2021 08:51

@I8toys

I just need to calm down before I take it out on my husband.

In laws are looking to downsize to our area - that's another thread on its own - not happy about it.

Heard a conversation between dh and them last night about popping around and parking outside our house whilst they went for a wander around the area. I said remind them I'm working please - ie don't knock on or come in. Oh that's okay we've got a flask they said.

Just finished a zoom with my boss and the door goes. Husband is at work. A delivery and my fil standing behind the delivery driver. WTF. Can we go the little boys room mil asks. What can I say no! So she goes to the downstairs loo and then they proceed to enter the house and wander around - looking in the garden. Still made no attempt to leave so to be polite I had to offer a cup of tea as they were here so long. Then they mentioned lunch but luckily it was too early.

So there I am answering emails whilst fil just chats away about eff all. They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing.

I didn't say anything because I thought WTF but they aren't even supposed to be in my house. We're not in a bubble. They have had both jabs but I haven't. They could give it to me.

Am I overreacting?

No. I have a very similar situation with my FIL where he just turns up at no notice - or Rings my DH which is useless as he's in work- and just knocks the door consistently when I'm WFH. It happened the other day when I was on a call, he just stood there for ages knocking and the dogs were going mad. There's absolutely no consideration or communication and people expect you to be happy to see them!
PleaseValentina · 30/04/2021 10:26

We live by the rule, "Your parents, your problem." In this scenario, my husband would have telephoned his parents later that evening (once he'd heard from me what had happened) and would have made the observation that a) his wife was WORKING and they have disturbed her, please don't do it again and b) there is a pandemic on and they are not allowed in the house anyway. I can understand it was difficult for you to come up with boundaries right away because you didn't expect them to do what they did, but I'd expect him to deal with it now and make it clear it is not to happen again. Will he confront them about their behaviour?

PleaseValentina · 30/04/2021 10:29

@Rubyrecka Do you eventually open the door to him or do you just ignore him until he goes away? (I appreciate it's hard if he's getting the dogs all worked up, I'd probably excuse myself from the call briefly, open the window and yell at him that he's disturbing me AT MY WORKPLACE and to please go away unless he's actually on fire right now, in which case I am happy to leave my meeting for 30 seconds to go and get a bucket of water to chuck over him.)

Jamboree01 · 30/04/2021 10:30

Honestly, ridiculous and awful

Rubyrecka · 30/04/2021 11:19

@PleaseValentina on this occasion I frantically ran downstairs, head set flailing, and not very graciously flung open the door shouting 'I'm on a call, help your self to what you need... '

I do think if you say your working from home people seem to think your just at home. Not working so they can 'pop in'.

Original poster
I8toys · 30/04/2021 11:25

@PleaseValentina - I agree we also think your parents, your problem but on this occasion it was my problem wasn't it!! I will get him to have another word when they have their regular call.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 30/04/2021 11:37

@19thNamechange

My FIL stopped to speak to me on my way home from work the other day. "Do you still work at ...? Ah, gets you out the house I suppose." Annoyed me so much. He wouldn't say that to my DP. My FIL lives two doors down from us, so there's been many a time he just pops round at 9am on a Saturday morning for no reason etc. He's got a new wife so it's not like he's lonely. He has also spouted a load of rascist rubbish in front of my 6 year old, which really upset me. He's the sort of man who sees an attractive woman on TV and says "phroar!", also in front of my 6 year old. My DP just looks embarrassed and never tells him off. I think he's afraid of him tbh. In short I detest my FIL so would also be annoyed too OP.
Why do you think it's up to your DP to "tell him off"? Presumably, it's your home too.

No-one, but no-one, gets away with racist talk in my house. They get one warning, and the next time I ask them to leave.

I have very few house rules, but that one's a biggie.

ittakes2 · 30/04/2021 11:40

I think you are overreacting to some things but not to others. Sounds like you don't like them at all so that is likely to impede your perspective on things. Considering it is covid times I would absolutely let my family members visiting my area use the toilet so they don't have to go into a public toilet.

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 30/04/2021 12:27

If my in laws did this it would be a totally aggressive move to directly go agaisnt what's asked of them
If my dm did this it would be because even though being told someone is working she would be concerned she seemed rude!