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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely fuming - in laws

433 replies

I8toys · 29/04/2021 13:38

I just need to calm down before I take it out on my husband.

In laws are looking to downsize to our area - that's another thread on its own - not happy about it.

Heard a conversation between dh and them last night about popping around and parking outside our house whilst they went for a wander around the area. I said remind them I'm working please - ie don't knock on or come in. Oh that's okay we've got a flask they said.

Just finished a zoom with my boss and the door goes. Husband is at work. A delivery and my fil standing behind the delivery driver. WTF. Can we go the little boys room mil asks. What can I say no! So she goes to the downstairs loo and then they proceed to enter the house and wander around - looking in the garden. Still made no attempt to leave so to be polite I had to offer a cup of tea as they were here so long. Then they mentioned lunch but luckily it was too early.

So there I am answering emails whilst fil just chats away about eff all. They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing.

I didn't say anything because I thought WTF but they aren't even supposed to be in my house. We're not in a bubble. They have had both jabs but I haven't. They could give it to me.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 14:27

I know @Saraclara. I'm kicking myself but I was drinking my coffee so felt bad. I know grow a backbone!

OP posts:
Thecatsawinner · 29/04/2021 14:27

I would be annoyed too, they’ve really overstepped but it’s happened now. I would be firm in future, they can park but if you are working no coming in. Then be usual friendly self

andtheweedonkey · 29/04/2021 14:27

Ah, now the key thing...
Keep a key in the lock with it turned so you can't get in from outside (if that's possible - depends on the lock); Fit and use a chain; Change the barrel (the ABS ones are registered and can't be copied without a pass code 😉 )

Janaih · 29/04/2021 14:28

"I'm sorry but I'm going to have to kick you out, I need to get on with work". Said in a smiley sing song voice while holding the door open.
Going forward, I think a video camera doorbell might be a wise investment.
You have my sympathy, my ex in laws moved froma safe distance of 200 miles away to our local area.

Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 14:29

@Youjustfolditin - its not that I don't like them its that they have no respect for my working at home. If DH was working at home they wouldn't disturb him.

OP posts:
Forrestcat · 29/04/2021 14:29

but see it from their point of view....they were around the area...needed the loo. if that was me, i would feel awkward to have stopped over only to use your loo and would have made polite conversation until told to leave. thinking i dont want my daughter in law to think that we only stopped over to use her facilities.

it's totally normal to let people know that you're busy. it doesnt offend people. it makes it clear what your boundaries are

AmyDudley · 29/04/2021 14:30

Next time they turn up suggest they go to your DH's place of work, ask to use the loo then wander about, have a cup of tea and have a chat with him.

It's totally disrespectful - but I think it is a universal problem not just confined to your in laws. People seem to think that if you are at home you are available , despite you telling them you are working. I've found the only solution is to be rude in return, 'I'm working right now so you can't come in/chat on the phone at me/ pop into my office to ask inane questions' .

I'd probably have allowed the loo but would have stood at the door and made ushering out motions as soon as I heard the chain flush :D

MzHz · 29/04/2021 14:30

@I8toys

The reason I offered a drink was because I had a cup of coffee in my hand and they weren't looking in the slightest as if they were going to leave. You're right about mixed signals.

The thing is if I said I was busy they'd just come back with its okay leave us until you're finished.

Give me some stock phrases to use next time please.

The only way to have managed this would have been to show you’re mildly irritated, explain you’re working that yes they can use your loo but will need to let themselves out as soon as they have finished

Not offer them a cuppa, not chat about anything

I agree you have to get this down or it’ll be hellish if they’re closer.

MzHz · 29/04/2021 14:31

And if they didn’t immediately leave, you escort them to the door saying you are about to go into an important call and they will have to leave you to get on with it.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 29/04/2021 14:31

No, but you should've told them to go after using the loo.

saraclara · 29/04/2021 14:31

So there I am answering emails whilst fil just chats away about eff all. They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing.

It's neither an age thing nor a gender thing. Presumably they wouldn't have done this with your husband because he'd have let them use the loo (perfectly reasonable) and then said "sorry I can't offer a chat or a drink, but I'm working". I don't have the first idea why you didn't do the same.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 29/04/2021 14:32

They are Family.

You could treat them more like that.
Using the bathroom - absolutely let them in for that.
Cup of tea and lunch -" Sorry, I am working. If you two want a cup of tea there is a kettle in the kitchen. Lunch sounds great. Mil why don't you make us all some sandwiches while I answer these emails?"
If they still hang around afterward - "Don't worry about washing up. Just load the dishwasher and refill the kettle. I will do the rest when I am through with work."

Carryonlikeaporkchop · 29/04/2021 14:33

Wow.

They are moving to be nearer to you and they already have a key to your house.

You are incapable of telling them that it is not convenient to visit because it makes you "feel bad".

Might as well reserve several AIBU slots as you are going to need them.

UrbanRambler · 29/04/2021 14:34

YANBU, they were intrusive and thoughtless, they crossed your boundaries without a second thought which then put you in the awkward "I can't say no as they're family" position. They won't change, so you and your DH will need to be firmer. If this is how they are they could be a nightmare if they move locally to you - stand firm now.

Notaroadrunner · 29/04/2021 14:34

@I8toys

I know I'm getting worked up about them moving near us and what that could mean for us (me).

Thanks for all the responses. I need to change how I manage and react to the situation.

If they do move closer to you, make it perfectly clear to them that calling to your house during the day is not going to be possible as you will be at work all day (from home). They may have viewings another day in the near future so be prepared for that. I wouldn't begrudge them the use of the loo but I'd be leaving the front door open so they leave again as soon as they're done. Either that or simply ignore the doorbell.
Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 14:35

I realise absolutely fuming is ridiculous now reading it back.

I've listened to everyone's comments and ideas and have a better view on handling it in the future I hope.

@Georgia You say they are family but we hardly ever see them and have hardly been involved in the children's lives even before the pandemic

OP posts:
Moonwhite · 29/04/2021 14:35

If they were urgently needing the loo they'd have gone and then left (but why your house when they live so close?) but for them to be pottering around and asking about lunch, they deliberately called in on you.

And they probably wouldn't have done it before they had their vaccinations. You're going to have to get stricter. "No, sorry you can't come in, I'm expecting a zoom call any minute now." Same excuse every time. They'll figure it out.

Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 14:36

@Carryon I know I did think I've got loads of AIBU's in the future

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 29/04/2021 14:36

No, they should have gone to the loo before they left the house!

Don't open the door next time and if they won't give the key back, change the locks.

Onwardsandonwards · 29/04/2021 14:36

YANBU - my in-laws (and weirdly my parents) treat my DH as this great captain of industry, whereas I am just doing a little hobby (not true!)

moggiek · 29/04/2021 14:36

Not at all. You’re at WORK!!!

bettertimesarecomingnow · 29/04/2021 14:36

I think you are overreacting sorry.

They are family - would you treat your mum like that?

My dp would be horrified if I treated his folks like that!!

You make tea, mention you are working and maybe take an early lunch break? Surely it's not that hard to be hospitable.

Kangaroobill · 29/04/2021 14:37

I’d have answered the door, said yes to the toilet but said “I’ll leave you to it because I need to get back to work”, I’d have made sure I looked busy when they came back from the loo if they didn’t see themselves out and then told them I had a call to go on.

Porcupineintherough · 29/04/2021 14:38

You could have let them use the loo then politely booted them out you know?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/04/2021 14:39

No. They'd already been told no and they overrode your boundaries.