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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Absolutely fuming - in laws

433 replies

I8toys · 29/04/2021 13:38

I just need to calm down before I take it out on my husband.

In laws are looking to downsize to our area - that's another thread on its own - not happy about it.

Heard a conversation between dh and them last night about popping around and parking outside our house whilst they went for a wander around the area. I said remind them I'm working please - ie don't knock on or come in. Oh that's okay we've got a flask they said.

Just finished a zoom with my boss and the door goes. Husband is at work. A delivery and my fil standing behind the delivery driver. WTF. Can we go the little boys room mil asks. What can I say no! So she goes to the downstairs loo and then they proceed to enter the house and wander around - looking in the garden. Still made no attempt to leave so to be polite I had to offer a cup of tea as they were here so long. Then they mentioned lunch but luckily it was too early.

So there I am answering emails whilst fil just chats away about eff all. They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing.

I didn't say anything because I thought WTF but they aren't even supposed to be in my house. We're not in a bubble. They have had both jabs but I haven't. They could give it to me.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

Eddielzzard · 29/04/2021 14:58

The problem is you let them step all over your boundaries and it's got to be you that enforces them. It's not enough for your DH to say 'remember don't come in because i8 is working' when you offer them tea and hospitality. Mixed messages.

Play the scenario in your head before next time so you're armed with a few phrases you can trot out. 'So lovely to see you, but I'm afraid I'm working so I can't offer you anything. Look forward to seeing you at aunt Betty's next year! Toodle ooo' as you walk towards the door.

It will feel uncomfortable as hell the first time, but you'll get used to it.

themalamander · 29/04/2021 14:59

@A1b2c3d4e5f6g7

So, if you told your mum very clearly that your husband had a busy day at work so she absolutely could not visit that day, and then she turned up anyway, you would be livid with your husband if he didnt make her tea and sit and chat to her? Is that right? Wouldn't you be livid with your mum, as she is the one in the wrong and causing your husband trouble. Why be angry at him? Hope it never happens, poor guy.

notalwaysalondoner · 29/04/2021 15:00

I appreciate you didn't want them to stay after using the loo, but you didn't tell them so. I certainly feel like I could tell my in laws as I answered the door "Ohhh, sorry, I understood you weren't coming round today, of course you can use the loo but I'm in the middle of something for work so let yourselves out after' then disappear back off to my home office. Sounds like you're making yourself a martyr for not actually communicating to them.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 29/04/2021 15:01

I also find it a bit of an overreaction. Fuming? Mildly irritated, perhaps.

KnitFastDieWarm · 29/04/2021 15:01

They sound a bit obtuse, true, but I think the issue here is that you weren’t direct. I’ve worked from home for years and sometimes I’m desperate for a break from long boring documents and would welcome a cuppa and a chat and sometimes I’m up to my eyeballs in meetings and need to be left in total
solitude all day. But I can’t expect other people to just know that. I can’t understand why you didn’t just usher them out the door after they’d used the loo with ‘i’d love to chat but i’m snowed under today, let’s catch up soon.’ It’s got to be preferable to quietly seething!

Original poster

I8toys · 29/04/2021 15:01

@Cokedrinker. Good advice.

OP posts:

Batteriisincluded · 29/04/2021 15:02

What is massively frustrating in some of these replies is the MN'etters who don't understand that working from home should be respected. Saying they are family... make them welcome... take an early lunch break... WTAF? I've worked from home for many years. It's my office. Like hell do I invite anyone in for tea during working hours, I don't have the spare time for that. Nor would I just drop everything and take an early break to encourage anyone to come in and chat.
Sounds like you're on the right track for the future Op. I think you might need to have a frank conversation with all involved about this before they move. Then stick to your guns if they don't take any notice.

Hadjab · 29/04/2021 15:02

@Wakemeuuuup

YANBU. Ridiculous and you need your dh to understand its not on so he can pass the message on to them

Why does her husband have to pass the message on? Is OP not able to use her words? If she’s busy, she should have said so.

IsThisJustLife · 29/04/2021 15:06

From experience, my advice is to set boundaries and ideally be clear about what those boundaries before they sell their house and well before they are living over the road - when the fact that they will overstep your boundaries all the time will soon drive you round the bend. Especially if you haven't told them what they are.

It would help if they understood the day-to-day reality that you are working from home and are not available for coffees just whenever. In a (very) similar situation, I found that the annoyances are likely to be random dropping ins, letting themselves in, and the 'I know you're busy but just a quick question..'. They (of course!) will see you as a friendly face when they have just moved to a new area and don't know anyone.

You will probably be thinking you'd like to have them round for a meal once a week, and perhaps vice versa. Make it clear that you cannot replace whatever social life they are leaving behind in its entirety and they will have to make their own friends. Be sure they've thought about that.

If you get it right it can work really well, kids get to know grandparents better, babysitting, etc. But if you don't it's dreadful and you'll be constantly cross with them.

ancientgran · 29/04/2021 15:06

They were in the wrong but to be honest why didn't you say OK to the loo visit but then you have work to do and they have to go.

IsThisJustLife · 29/04/2021 15:07

Oops, x-posted, see it's too late for babysitting..

stackemhigh · 29/04/2021 15:08

[quote I8toys]@Cokedrinker. Good advice.

I've made it perfectly clear that I am not happy with them moving near us especially when they've had hardly any input in their grandchildren's lives over the past 18 years. He knows exactly how I feel about it and that if it causes problems I am moving. Whether he comes with me is up to him. Its funny that I can speak my mind with him but with his mum and dad I can't.[/quote]
Why are they moving so close now? Are they expecting you and DH to provide care at some point?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/04/2021 15:10

Ring doorbell, chain on the door, assertiveness classes.

Lostinthemail · 29/04/2021 15:11

Just say no, yes. Why wouldn’t you? I used to work from home long before it became a thing with COVID and I’ve learned to refuse unannounced visitors during the work day quite early on, because I wouldn’t get any work done if I didn’t.

I did have some people apologize after they started working from home last year and had to deal with unannounced visitors (when not in lockdown). Yeah, quite annoying, isn’t it 😂

Aprilx · 29/04/2021 15:11

[quote I8toys]@Cokedrinker. Good advice.

I've made it perfectly clear that I am not happy with them moving near us especially when they've had hardly any input in their grandchildren's lives over the past 18 years. He knows exactly how I feel about it and that if it causes problems I am moving. Whether he comes with me is up to him. Its funny that I can speak my mind with him but with his mum and dad I can't.[/quote]
Who do you think you are to decide who gets to move to your area! You don’t need to be happy or otherwise about it because you don’t have a say in where other people live. Get over yourself.

And you are being unreasonable to be “absolutely fuming”. It is at the very worst, slightly irritating and all you needed to do was say “I need to get back to work now, let yourself out when you are done”.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 29/04/2021 15:13

@bettertimesarecomingnow

I think you are overreacting sorry.

They are family - would you treat your mum like that?

My dp would be horrified if I treated his folks like that!!

You make tea, mention you are working and maybe take an early lunch break? Surely it's not that hard to be hospitable.

The OP shouldn't have to be hospitable during her working day, though, should she? I mean, imagine if her in-laws had turned up at her office in the middle of the working day? Should the OP have been hospitable in that situation, too?

FrankButchersDickieBow · 29/04/2021 15:17

They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing

Yes over-reacting.

And can we please stop with the ageism.

If you think they're rude and you don't like them, please don't attribute it to their age.

Original poster

I8toys · 29/04/2021 15:21

@Stackemhigh - I don't know why they are moving so close. The only thing I can think of is that they want care in the long term. I think we need to know what they are expecting. We both work full time so that's the priority.

@FrankButchersDickieBow - I don't think they're rude but just don't appreciate home working. I also don't not like them. I just wish they'd respect boundaries. I would never just turn up at someone's house to use the toilet, family or no family, especially if we rarely see them.

OP posts:

stackemhigh · 29/04/2021 15:23

@FrankButchersDickieBow

They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing

Yes over-reacting.

And can we please stop with the ageism.

If you think they're rude and you don't like them, please don't attribute it to their age.

You're over-reacting. OP hasn't said anything ageist, she has ventured an opinion.

Folklore9074 · 29/04/2021 15:23

Yes, huge over reaction. I work from home and if I was completely unavailable I'd just politely make that clear but if between meetings and not on a deadline then no problem with them popping in for a quick cup of tea and to use the toilet (!) They are family for for goodness sake not just people off the street.

Yaya26 · 29/04/2021 15:24

So.... what the problem?? You must have little to worry about!

I’m also working from home. - on calls for the majority. FIL often calls in on his way past. If I can’t talk I mute, say a quick hello/smile, apologise, chat later and back to my call. Doesn’t bother me in slightest and I enjoy the days when I do have a couple of minutes for a chat.

DawooU · 29/04/2021 15:24

@I8toys but to be fair, you didnt set the boundaries. you didnt say yes come in to use the loo but am working so see yourself out. thats setting boundaries that they can then choose to abide by or not

SunshineCake · 29/04/2021 15:26

You really shot yourself in the foot by offering tea.

You fell for their ruse. The toilet was just a way to get in as who can say no to that ?

harknesswitch · 29/04/2021 15:26

No yanbu. But way too passive. What you should have said is 'yes come in and use the loo, can you shut the door on your way out please as I'm about to go into another rmeeting/ at work/ answer emails or whatever

harknesswitch · 29/04/2021 15:28

Oh and if they do love locally you're going to have to get really good at booting them out, and get your key back

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