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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely fuming - in laws

433 replies

I8toys · 29/04/2021 13:38

I just need to calm down before I take it out on my husband.

In laws are looking to downsize to our area - that's another thread on its own - not happy about it.

Heard a conversation between dh and them last night about popping around and parking outside our house whilst they went for a wander around the area. I said remind them I'm working please - ie don't knock on or come in. Oh that's okay we've got a flask they said.

Just finished a zoom with my boss and the door goes. Husband is at work. A delivery and my fil standing behind the delivery driver. WTF. Can we go the little boys room mil asks. What can I say no! So she goes to the downstairs loo and then they proceed to enter the house and wander around - looking in the garden. Still made no attempt to leave so to be polite I had to offer a cup of tea as they were here so long. Then they mentioned lunch but luckily it was too early.

So there I am answering emails whilst fil just chats away about eff all. They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing.

I didn't say anything because I thought WTF but they aren't even supposed to be in my house. We're not in a bubble. They have had both jabs but I haven't. They could give it to me.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
netstaller · 29/04/2021 21:05

Yes I think you are. They were passing and stopped in for a cup of tea. You clearly dislike them from your post and it's clouding your judgement.

AmberIsACertainty · 29/04/2021 21:05

@rawlikesushi

"The in-laws behaviour however, that the OPs work isn't important and she should host them whenever they want because she's a women, is sexist."

OP rarely sees them so it's hardly a regular occurrence, and 'whenever they want' is a bit of a stretch.

Also - they are relocating to the area, in their 80s, and were willing to park on the drive and disappear, no argument about this frankly shocking instruction, full compliance with the barmy, mean request.

The only reason they ended up inside at all is because they happened to arrive at the same time as a delivery and needed the loo enough to consider asking.

Who would ever consider leaving their elderly parents outside, desperate for the toilet? Somebody with a skewed set of priorities IMO.

Nah. People who well know their own toilet needs, who've been told their sons house is out of bounds because his wife is working in it, should have planned their trip so there was no possiblity of becoming desperate enough to need to use the loo in OPs house.

And the frequency of visits is irrelevant. They're turning up when they feel like it and expected to be hosted, with no consideration for whether their son is home or his wife's plans. OP says they're always doing it. How often it happens isn't the point. It shouldn't be happening at all.

If you turn up at someone's home uninvited you have to accept the possibility of it not being convenient, whether the person is home or not. They could be asleep, ill, in the bathroom, having sex, entertaining visitors, getting ready to go somewhere, eating etc etc etc. Or just relaxing quietly enjoying some time alone. They're under no obligation to answer the door just because someone knocked on it and if they choose to, there's no additional obligation to invite someone in for a chat. If visitors don't want a wasted journey they need to make mutually acceptable plans to meet up with someone, not turn up when they feel like it.

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 21:08

I've spent months wfh coke.

I could spare half an hour for close elderly relatives I hadn't seen for ages.

If I really couldn't, I'd point them towards the loo and kettle and get back to work.

If they failed to get it and lingered too long, I'd ascribe kinder motives to them than you have.

I wouldn't under any circumstances be fuming.

Springingintospring · 29/04/2021 21:09

Of course you are.
By chatting to them and offering tea you are showing you have time to spare.
If you had said you were sorry but busy and they stayed, that would be different.

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 21:10

"OP says they're always doing it. How often it happens isn't the point. It shouldn't be happening at all."

I apologise if they are 'always doing it.' Could you quote that post because I missed it. I thought op said she barely sees them.

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 21:11

"Or just relaxing quietly enjoying some time alone. They're under no obligation to answer the door just because someone knocked on it."

They didn't knock. They were told to park and go, which they were doing until op opened the door to a parcel.

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 21:13

They actually brought their own flask of tea, so they planned to remain outside I think.

MunchyCat · 29/04/2021 21:13

@rawlikesushi

I've spent months wfh coke.

I could spare half an hour for close elderly relatives I hadn't seen for ages.

If I really couldn't, I'd point them towards the loo and kettle and get back to work.

If they failed to get it and lingered too long, I'd ascribe kinder motives to them than you have.

I wouldn't under any circumstances be fuming.

Ok, so in the situation I was in today I was presenting to the rest of my dept, cameras on, part Q&A session. I was leading this meeting.

Hypothetically do you think I should have stopped, taken off my headset, answered the door, and engaged in conversation had a relative knocked on my door who had been explicitly told not to, causing confusion in the meeting and making myself look unprofessional?

BearGum · 29/04/2021 21:15

Yes you are.
Just say "You're very welcome to use the loo but I've got an important call in five minutes so I'm going to have to kick you out afterwards. Apologies, next time you're in the area on a weekend we'd both love to see you - perhaps we could have lunch together in the garden?"

doitwithlove · 29/04/2021 21:16

I would not have opened the door, the delivery man would have left the parcel and mil/fil would have had to find another toilet to use.

usedtobealawyer · 29/04/2021 21:16

I think you are overreacting massively. I don't like my inlaws much to be honest as they are really fucking annoying but I would find it really hard to get worked up over this. Why the fuck didn't you invite them in and tell them to sort themselves out. The only bit I have got sympathy with is the not in a bubble bit but if that's important to you you should have flat out refused to have them in at all.

AmberIsACertainty · 29/04/2021 21:16

@rawlikesushi

"Or just relaxing quietly enjoying some time alone. They're under no obligation to answer the door just because someone knocked on it."

They didn't knock. They were told to park and go, which they were doing until op opened the door to a parcel.

Yeh then they came in and didn't leave even though OP says it was awkward and they'd previously been told OP wasn't available to host them. They're piss takers.
AmberIsACertainty · 29/04/2021 21:18

@rawlikesushi

"OP says they're always doing it. How often it happens isn't the point. It shouldn't be happening at all."

I apologise if they are 'always doing it.' Could you quote that post because I missed it. I thought op said she barely sees them.

CBA
rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 21:21

"Hypothetically do you think I should have stopped, taken off my headset, answered the door, and engaged in conversation had a relative knocked on my door who had been explicitly told not to, causing confusion in the meeting and making myself look unprofessional?"

No but if your meeting had finished and you'd been cheerfully answering the door to someone else and happened to spot your 80yo parents arriving simultaneously, I'd think you could take a couple of mins to show them where the bathroom was without fuming about it.

They didn't knock.

BIWI · 29/04/2021 21:21

I simply take employment seriously, and dislike callous, unkind sexism and disrespect

... but you're clearly OK with ageism.

For the record, I hate callousness, sexism and disrespect. Or anything unkind. Along with racism and disablism too.

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 21:23

@BIWI

I simply take employment seriously, and dislike callous, unkind sexism and disrespect

... but you're clearly OK with ageism.

For the record, I hate callousness, sexism and disrespect. Or anything unkind. Along with racism and disablism too.

@BIWI I thought you got the message last time? It seems you still haven't learned.

You clearly don't know what ageism is. Nothing in this thread points to ageism. Please stop lying, and learn what ageism is. Saying the same lie over and over won't make it come true.

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 21:24

"Yeh then they came in and didn't leave even though OP says it was awkward and they'd previously been told OP wasn't available to host them. They're piss takers."

Sure, not elderly people who haven't worked for at least 15 years, have never wfh, and just you know got caught up in chatting and seeing their DIL, and she didn't seem to be in a hurry.

But piss takers. I'd hate to have the world view of some on here.

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 21:24

"CBA"

Because it doesn't exist?

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 21:25

@rawlikesushi

"Hypothetically do you think I should have stopped, taken off my headset, answered the door, and engaged in conversation had a relative knocked on my door who had been explicitly told not to, causing confusion in the meeting and making myself look unprofessional?"

No but if your meeting had finished and you'd been cheerfully answering the door to someone else and happened to spot your 80yo parents arriving simultaneously, I'd think you could take a couple of mins to show them where the bathroom was without fuming about it.

They didn't knock.

How do you know that the parcel wasn't work-related and needed for a teleconference?

Of course they didn't knock. They had been outside staking out the house and couldn't believe their luck when the delivery came.

Eilethya · 29/04/2021 21:25

@rawlikesushi

"Aka: women, know your place."

Good to be kind.

Thank you

How they translate "it's nice to be nice" into "Women, know your place" is beyond me. I lead a team that includes 6 men, I know my place Confused

Takes a lot more energy to have a stick up your arse than it does to show some kindness and understanding. Don't know where people get so much energy to "fume" about such shite.

If they hammered the door down with a battering ram and took a shit on the rug, yes fume away but they needed the lav and were offered a brew.

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 21:26

"Of course they didn't knock. They had been outside staking out the house and couldn't believe their luck when the delivery came."

Psychic too. Must be great in your head, just adding in all the stuff you don't actually know.

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 21:26

@rawlikesushi

"Yeh then they came in and didn't leave even though OP says it was awkward and they'd previously been told OP wasn't available to host them. They're piss takers."

Sure, not elderly people who haven't worked for at least 15 years, have never wfh, and just you know got caught up in chatting and seeing their DIL, and she didn't seem to be in a hurry.

But piss takers. I'd hate to have the world view of some on here.

Then if they haven't worked for 15 years, that is no excuse. They were specifically asked not to approach the house.

Is there something you cannot comprehend about 'specifically told'?

Yes, I certainly would hate to have the selfish, entitled and narcissistic world view some on here have.

sHREDDIES19 · 29/04/2021 21:28

@CokeDrinker I’ve worked from home for 13 years in a very demanding role and would happily offer a quick cuppa to my mil. Whilst it’s not ideal having them drop by if busy, really odd for the op to be so enraged with the prospect of being civil to her in laws. Not sure what sex has to do with this as I’d equally expect my husband to offer my mum a quick cuppa if the roles were reversed. Bigger picture moment here people!! No one is that busy or important that they can’t take a quick break. The reality is op clearly doesn’t like her in laws as I’m sure she wouldn’t have batted an eyelid had it been a friend pop bu to use the loo.

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 21:31

"Then if they haven't worked for 15 years, that is no excuse. They were specifically asked not to approach the house.

Is there something you cannot comprehend about 'specifically told'?

Yes, I certainly would hate to have the selfish, entitled and narcissistic world view some on here have."

Thank you for replacing caps with bold, still shouty but not quite so alarming.

I know they were 'specifically told' because I can fucking read.

They knew too didn't they? It's why they turned up and parked, with a flask, and didn't knock.

I don't think it's selfish, entitled or narcissistic to be 80 and desperate for the loo.

I don't think it's selfish, entitled or narcissistic to get carried away and talk for - gasp - 20 minutes.

You do. That's ok. I'd still rather be me than you.

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 21:35

@rawlikesushi

"Then if they haven't worked for 15 years, that is no excuse. They were specifically asked not to approach the house.

Is there something you cannot comprehend about 'specifically told'?

Yes, I certainly would hate to have the selfish, entitled and narcissistic world view some on here have."

Thank you for replacing caps with bold, still shouty but not quite so alarming.

I know they were 'specifically told' because I can fucking read.

They knew too didn't they? It's why they turned up and parked, with a flask, and didn't knock.

I don't think it's selfish, entitled or narcissistic to be 80 and desperate for the loo.

I don't think it's selfish, entitled or narcissistic to get carried away and talk for - gasp - 20 minutes.

You do. That's ok. I'd still rather be me than you.

You do. That's ok. I'd still rather be me than you.

Likewise. Believe me, likewise.