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Original poster

Absolutely fuming - in laws

433 replies

I8toys · 29/04/2021 13:38

I just need to calm down before I take it out on my husband.

In laws are looking to downsize to our area - that's another thread on its own - not happy about it.

Heard a conversation between dh and them last night about popping around and parking outside our house whilst they went for a wander around the area. I said remind them I'm working please - ie don't knock on or come in. Oh that's okay we've got a flask they said.

Just finished a zoom with my boss and the door goes. Husband is at work. A delivery and my fil standing behind the delivery driver. WTF. Can we go the little boys room mil asks. What can I say no! So she goes to the downstairs loo and then they proceed to enter the house and wander around - looking in the garden. Still made no attempt to leave so to be polite I had to offer a cup of tea as they were here so long. Then they mentioned lunch but luckily it was too early.

So there I am answering emails whilst fil just chats away about eff all. They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing.

I didn't say anything because I thought WTF but they aren't even supposed to be in my house. We're not in a bubble. They have had both jabs but I haven't. They could give it to me.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow3 · 29/04/2021 21:44

Next time be confident and enforce your boundaries. When they needed to use the bathroom letting them was fine, but as you let them in to do that tell them you need to get back to work immediately and they can let themselves out and lock the door behind them. Then go back to work. Show them your work matters. If they're moving locally there may well be a lot of future occasions like this. You need to show them from the start that they can't just turn up and expect to be treated as a guest.

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 21:50

"Likewise. Believe me, likewise."

Weird that you'd hate to be someone who lets old people use the toilet.

Blurp · 29/04/2021 21:50

Obviously the proper grown-up thing to do would be to calmly explain that you're at work and can't talk, and then when they hang around, be assertive and ask them to leave, but it sounds like you're about as likely to do that as I am, so you need to fall back on the time-trusted approach, and lie through your teeth.

In this situation I pretend to be in the middle of "a conference call on Zoom". My parents and in-laws are all a bit in awe of Zoom and think it's Very Important. Somehow "a call" doesn't worry them, but "a conference call on Zoom" sends them scurrying off.

Note: don't claim to be expecting a call; claim to be in the middle of one. That way you can look a bit flustered and just sort of run off saying "Feel free to use the loo; just let yourselves out! Nice to see you! Bye!"

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 21:55

@rawlikesushi

"Likewise. Believe me, likewise."

Weird that you'd hate to be someone who lets old people use the toilet.

Weird that you'd hate to be someone who has morals, respect for women, respect for work and respect for boundaries.
Heronwatcher · 29/04/2021 21:58

I think there is a way to be polite but also achieve what you want- I think I would have let them in happily, 5 mins chit chat and then “you’re welcome to help yourself to a drink/biscuit but I am afraid I have a call starting now and won’t be free for a couple of hours, just slam the door when you leave and let’s catch up soon.” This is obviously going to be slightly difficult if you work in the kitchen, so maybe think about making sure you can disappear somewhere else if you need to. I think you might be giving slightly mixed messages and/ or they are lonely.

PferdeMerde · 29/04/2021 22:00

“I’m busy. I’ve got a lot of work to be getting on with” would have ended it.
Did you give them tea just so you could make a good rant thread on mn about it later?

Jamboree01 · 29/04/2021 22:01

Yes you are overreacting. And your post rather unpleasant

derxa · 29/04/2021 22:01

@doitwithlove

I would not have opened the door, the delivery man would have left the parcel and mil/fil would have had to find another toilet to use.
FFS
rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 22:02

"Weird that you'd hate to be someone who has morals, respect for women, respect for work and respect for boundaries."

I wouldn't. I love those people.

gottakeeponmovin · 29/04/2021 22:03

You simply shouldn't have offered them tea. I would have opened the door let them in and gone back to work just telling them sorry can't talk shut the door behind you.

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 22:03

I like blurp's solution. It solves a problem whilst still being respectful and kind.

gottakeeponmovin · 29/04/2021 22:06

@sHREDDIES19 I literally have back to back zoom meetings all day apart from lunch. As do all my colleagues. I can't leave people waiting for me on conference calls while I have a matter with the parents. So actually some people are too busy and important to stop and have a natter. Different jobs require different things

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 22:11

@rawlikesushi

"Weird that you'd hate to be someone who has morals, respect for women, respect for work and respect for boundaries."

I wouldn't. I love those people.

Good that you agree with me then.
JetBlackSteed · 29/04/2021 22:12

No, not overreacting. My mum struggles to think I am actually working from home. You should have returned to work and left them standing.

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 22:12

Yes it's a pity her inlaws couldn't have been respectful and kind.

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 22:16

Yes gottakeeponmovin she should have done that. Hopefully she does in future. But her inlaws should have simply respected that she was working. It's one thing to use the toilet, but it is really taking the piss when as the OP said, they loitered, wandered around inside etc. That's when it moves into taking the piss (pardon the pun) territory. When they know they are holding someone up and do it spitefully, that's disrespectful and unkind.

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 22:16

"Good that you agree with me then."

Gosh no I don't think that you've come across as any of those things.

You might be in rl but I find your posting style and opinions on here abhorrent.

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 22:18

@rawlikesushi

"Good that you agree with me then."

Gosh no I don't think that you've come across as any of those things.

You might be in rl but I find your posting style and opinions on here abhorrent.

Just as I find your posting style and opinions ill-brought up, disrespectful, rude, unkind, misogynistic and showing a lack of work ethic.
CaptainAwkward · 29/04/2021 22:19

For the posters saying ‘sounds like you don’t like your PILs’ perhaps you should have read the posts from @I8toys who says they’ve never bothered with her or the children for 18 years.

My PIL are pretty shoddy but if they were totally shit grandparents who couldn’t be bothered with their grandchildren then they wouldn’t be getting the steam of my piss never mind a brew.
YANBU

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 22:19

@CokeDrinker

Yes it's a pity her inlaws couldn't have been respectful and kind.
I don't think we can say someone isn't respectful and kind just because they need the loo though. They could be lovely people couldn't they? Got carried away chatting? Hadn't seen DIL in ages? We're chuffed to be offered tea. I don't see how we can infer disrespect and unkindness from that really, it's a bit of a stretch. Could you try to attach some less negative traits to their behaviour, just for fun, see if you can do it?
rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 22:21

"Just as I find your posting style and opinions ill-brought up, disrespectful, rude, unkind, misogynistic and showing a lack of work ethic."

What do you mean by ill brought up?

You might be right, just need clarification.

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 22:22

I'm not taking misogynistic though.

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 22:26

@CaptainAwkward

For the posters saying ‘sounds like you don’t like your PILs’ perhaps you should have read the posts from *@I8toys* who says they’ve never bothered with her or the children for 18 years.

My PIL are pretty shoddy but if they were totally shit grandparents who couldn’t be bothered with their grandchildren then they wouldn’t be getting the steam of my piss never mind a brew.
YANBU

Tbf she said 'we hardly ever see them and they have hardly been involved in the children's lives.'

It might be because they're shit grandparents but we don't know that it isn't due to distance, or because OP's dh never welcomed or included them in family life.

Bunnyrun5 · 29/04/2021 22:29

How sad, I appreciate you felt they weren’t respecting your need to be working but goodness we’ve had a year of worrying we might lose our loved ones. I lost both my parents and in-laws when my children were young. So cut them some slack they want to be part of their sons family. Wait till you become a grandparent one day and you’ll understand.

sHREDDIES19 · 29/04/2021 22:47

@gottakeeponmovin ok, but we’re talking about the op who failed to express her lack of availability due to ‘back to back’ meetings, one is led to assume? I still stand by my point that op simply doesn’t like in laws as the reaction is ott and unnecessary. A simple and swift explanation would have nipped this in the bud. Why say nothing and then leave it to fester? Storm in a teacup.