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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend erased all traces of me

343 replies

Bluevioletindigo · 29/04/2021 09:32

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish.
Despite this, there were still a lot of good times and conversations. I guess I hoped we could sort it out and that she might realise.
I just told her that it was her choice what she did with the married man but that I no longer wanted to discuss it or support it.
I called her out for some other things that had happened. I said that I still wanted to be friends and be in touch but that I wasn't happy with the current situation.
Her responses were simply attacking me. Understandably she felt hurt and defensive, i messaged apologising if I had been harsh and that I wanted to sort our friendship out.
I just wanted to be firm on the fact that I wasn't prepared to discuss her situation any longer.
She never replied to the last message and the next day I had been blocked and deleted on absolutely everything, even things such as Strava. I thought she may unblock me but two months on and I am still blocked everywhere. I don't know if she has any intention of speaking to me again.

I can understand why, but I guess I didn't expect this. Nobody wants to be confronted about their behaviour. I didn't insult her as a person, swear or anything like that, I was just firm and clear I thought.
I do understand though like I said, but I don't think ghosting for instance would have been the decent thing to do after knowing her for several years.

OP posts:

Alondra · 29/04/2021 11:38

CaraherEIL

I think the friendship pre dates the affair reading OP posts.

At the end is immaterial, the OP can't be a friend and the friend doesn't find value in their friendship anymore. She's ended it clearly and without drama. Friendship is over, move on.

Phoenix121 · 29/04/2021 11:38

No. I do not think a man's behaviour is the responsibility of another woman.

So, a married guy asks me to go to his hotel room. I say 'no, because I don't sleep with married men'. I am taking responsibility for my own behaviour. I am not taking responsibility for the married guy's behaviour. He could then go off and ask the next woman at the bar for all I know. Hopefully, that next woman also has the common decency to decline his offer.

Cloudhopping · 29/04/2021 11:38

I don’t think you were wrong to express how you felt to her but I think you’re wrong to expect anything other than her reaction (ie blocking you from everything). Sounds like you had different ideas about friendship.

3AndStopping · 29/04/2021 11:39

However you’ve said it, it’s going to take a huge amount of pride for her to see it, apologise and/or change it.

She’s on the defensive, understandably. That’s the risk you take sending a message like you did, she might not ever come around tbh.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 29/04/2021 11:39

I think you just need to accept the situation for what it is. You made the decision to confront her about her behaviour, and in response she’s made the decision to cut you out of her life. You’re both entitled to your actions. Not all friendships last, and this one hasn’t.

TheGumption · 29/04/2021 11:45

It amazes me that people have the energy for all these dramatic friendships in adulthood. Just let it go and move on.

Iwonder08 · 29/04/2021 11:46

OP, I don't understand.. Your ex friend doesn't want to talk to you anymore because you don't approve of her life decisions. You think she is immoral for going for a married man, you think she is negative and selfish.. Why exactly you are not happy of her cutting off the contact? Is it the method she chose? Were you expecting a break up conversation?

oakleaffy · 29/04/2021 11:47

Women who date married men are beyond the pale IMO.
No loss, move on!

DaphneDuBois · 29/04/2021 11:48

I’m on your side. She’s constantly going on about herself, chasing after a married man and being selfish, and after putting up with it for too long you told her you didn’t want to continue hearing any more of it. She’s sulking and has blocked you on everything because she doesn’t like being told that not everything is about her. Not sure why you’re the one getting flack on here!

Voomster953 · 29/04/2021 11:48

The friendship didn’t work for you and she’s simply decided it also doesn’t work for her.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 29/04/2021 11:51

You must have known there was a risk this would happen when you decided to confront her? There was always a chance she wasn’t going to appreciate the message.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 11:53

@Phoenix121

No. I do not think a man's behaviour is the responsibility of another woman.

And if she doesn’t?

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2021 11:54

@oakleaffy

Women who date married men are beyond the pale IMO. No loss, move on!

I’m not with you, these married men often lie through their teeth , the whole we are just together for the kids, the marriage is over, we don’t have sex, we don’t love each other, we live seperate lives is a thing. It’s very rare, although it happens, by mutual agreement, that a woman who gets involved with a married man , targets him, knows he is happily married and thinks he loves his wife etc . Often they are being lied to as much as the wife is.

I’d certainly not blanket them all the same.

saraclara · 29/04/2021 11:54

OP is entitled to say what she thinks. But it's a bit daft for her to think that her friend, after hearing the long list of reasons why OP thinks she's shit, would just say "you're absolutely right, I'm going to be a changed person, let's be friends forever"

I doubt there's a poster here who could listen to that long list of faults and carry on the friendship.

BertramLacey · 29/04/2021 11:56

Because she’s not the one having the affair in that case.

Well he's not having an affair on his own, is he? That's just a wank.

Pumperthepumper · 29/04/2021 11:57

@BertramLacey

Because she’s not the one having the affair in that case.

Well he's not having an affair on his own, is he? That's just a wank.

So, again, following that logic, every woman on the planet has to take responsibility for his marriage?

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 29/04/2021 11:59

The OP doesn't have much choice about being constantly critical, as the friend's affair is the constant (and apparently exclusive) topic of conversation.
I'm not a huge fan of this 'calling out' bollocks when talking about a friend, but on balance I don't think you've done a lot wrong, here. She is a person, after all, not an abstract concept, so you can't fail to judge/attack her personally. That's how it works.
And I think we may have found the only thing more boring than other people's dreams/kids/floor plans for new kitchen - other people's sordid shags.

LeilaLiesLow · 29/04/2021 12:00

Mumsnet is a weird place at times.

Over the years, this issue has come up a lot often on the Relationship board.

Where a friend disapproves of her friend's affair, but still wants to maintain the friendship (but compartmentalising the affair chats.)

'Advice' from MN is to continue the friendship but refuse to be drawn into conversations about the affair.

Usually everyone agrees this is the Right Behaviour. Not to give a listening ear.

Now, when the OP has done this, most posters here are saying she was in the wrong.

Surely it's ok to tell a friend you want to remain friends, but you don't want to be told about her affair behaviour?

NataSmith · 29/04/2021 12:02

I don’t think you should feel bad at all, you were honest and direct as you should have been. I also would feel the same, that sort of stuff is energy sucking. I think she’s well within her rights to block you and you need to re-frame it (not feel bad) and accept that you can say what you feel
And she or anyone can react how they want. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. But the friendship had limits and you know them now. I’ve had something similar recently and I blocked her after(it was not at all over a situation like
You describe ) because I was just really shocked at her. We weren’t that close and I just realised this friendship is like deadwood and it’s over.

Phoenix121 · 29/04/2021 12:02

Not sure where you're getting this idea from, pumper, that every woman on the planet must take responsibility for his marriage, or for his behaviour, or for his wife.

BTW, to answer your question about what happens when a woman accepts a married man's offer to have sex, well, what happens is - they have sex!

Coyoacan · 29/04/2021 12:02

Bluevioletindigo

At the very start of your initial OP you say that you told her you think she is selfish and then you repeatedly say that you didn't say she was selfish. We only have what you tell us to go on.

NataSmith · 29/04/2021 12:03

@LeilaLiesLow

Mumsnet is a weird place at times.

Over the years, this issue has come up a lot often on the Relationship board.

Where a friend disapproves of her friend's affair, but still wants to maintain the friendship (but compartmentalising the affair chats.)

'Advice' from MN is to continue the friendship but refuse to be drawn into conversations about the affair.

Usually everyone agrees this is the Right Behaviour. Not to give a listening ear.

Now, when the OP has done this, most posters here are saying she was in the wrong.

Surely it's ok to tell a friend you want to remain friends, but you don't want to be told about her affair behaviour?

I 100% agree, totally right.

NeedNewKnees · 29/04/2021 12:03

With 37 posts on her own thread in around 2 hours, I think the OP is over-invested in the whole thing.

The friendship ended, move on.

Branleuse · 29/04/2021 12:03

I think thats the risk you take when you confront a friend with a list of their faults. She may have felt that instead of an equal friendship where you can be honest, even when your behaviour is a bit shitty, it has occured to her that shes being judged and told off. Its not what she wants out of a friendship, and she is also not what you want out of a friendship. She might be feeling quite hurt. Id move on. Its the risk you took

MmeLaraque · 29/04/2021 12:04

Having read this one whilst drinking my coffee, I'm wondering whether Pumper is one of those carrying on with someone else's partner.

OP, what you did was perfectly reasonable. There are far too many people who refuse to challenge a friend's behaviour, no matter how appalling that behaviour is/becomes.

Seeing/shagging a married/coupled-up person is not morally acceptable. Those insisting it's the cheater's problem, not the person they're cheating with are displaying their own lack of moral compass just as clearly as the cheaters.

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