Friend erased all traces of me

[Bluevioletindigo]

I confronted a friend over her chasing a married man. Not only that, but constantly talking about herself only, and generally being quite negative and selfish.
Despite this, there were still a lot of good times and conversations. I guess I hoped we could sort it out and that she might realise.
I just told her that it was her choice what she did with the married man but that I no longer wanted to discuss it or support it.
I called her out for some other things that had happened. I said that I still wanted to be friends and be in touch but that I wasn't happy with the current situation.
Her responses were simply attacking me. Understandably she felt hurt and defensive, i messaged apologising if I had been harsh and that I wanted to sort our friendship out.
I just wanted to be firm on the fact that I wasn't prepared to discuss her situation any longer.
She never replied to the last message and the next day I had been blocked and deleted on absolutely everything, even things such as Strava. I thought she may unblock me but two months on and I am still blocked everywhere. I don't know if she has any intention of speaking to me again.

I can understand why, but I guess I didn't expect this. Nobody wants to be confronted about their behaviour. I didn't insult her as a person, swear or anything like that, I was just firm and clear I thought.
I do understand though like I said, but I don't think ghosting for instance would have been the decent thing to do after knowing her for several years.

Ok the trolls are really boring me now. So she or anyone else can do whatever the hell they like. But if you stand up for yourself you are horrible and nasty.

@Pumperthepumper

It isn't about taking responsibility for the wife. It is about taking responsibility for her actions.

What responsibility though? Why is his behaviour her problem? If she refused to see him would he never cheat on his own wife again?

We all have a responsibility to act morally within a civilised society.

His behaviour isn't her problem.

If she refused to see him again then that's one more woman who is helping to respect the institution of marriage. Whether he would never cheat on his wife again is irrelevant. His choices are not her responsibility.

HTH.

OP, it's not you, it's her. Your friend is a narcissist. I've had plenty of them, only ever want to talk about themselves, bad mouth you behind your back, and so on. They are also extremely fragile and cannot tolerate any pushback on their behaviour whatsoever.

You did the right thing, and she couldn't take it. But honestly, she's the loser, not you. I know it's hard, you've shared a lot with this woman, but try to move on and find better, healthier friendships.

She has cut you off because some of your home truths have made her uncomfortable and think about her behaviour.

Nup. She has cut the OP off because her constant disapproval have erased the friendship.

Friendships end and it can be painful, and some responses are not good. However OP I applaud you for thinking chasing a married man is wrong and not being silent on this.

@Susie477

You found her behaviour unacceptable and told her so. That’s your prerogative.

She thought your criticisms went too far, and retaliated by cutting you off. That’s her prerogative.

The friendship is over, and it’s time to move on.

I agree with this.

You've both made your feelings clear here.

I don't think you did anything wrong, not sure why you want to be friends with such a person

Regardless she doesn't sound like a good friend of she never asked about you and your life. You're well rid

If she refused to see him again then that's one more woman who is helping to respect the institution of marriage. Whether he would never cheat on his wife again is irrelevant.

Well no, it isn’t - because if he cheats again that means, according to you, it’s then that woman who has responsibility for his wife. What you’re saying is every single woman in the world is responsible for his behaviour, because he’ll always be willing to find someone else.

She can’t do anything about the institution of marriage if she’s not married.

I think the OP was poorly worded and made it sound like you'd gone to town in her entire personality, rather than her situation with a married man, the responses since don't imply that at all.

Honestly, why are you upset? The woman clearly IS selfish if she A: willingly involves herself with a married man and B: won't have a conversation about your partner but chats incessantly about hers.

Sounds like a good escape to me! Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and find a friend who appreciates you and your honesty.

@Bluevioletindigo

Ok the trolls are really boring me now. So she or anyone else can do whatever the hell they like. But if you stand up for yourself you are horrible and nasty.

What are you talking about? You are the one complaining being ghosted in your first post. You can do what you like just like she does.

You were not standing up for yourself, you were talking about HER life and being judgemental about it.

No wonder she's cut you off, I'll do the same.

Honestly it sounds like you're well rid. She doesn't sound like she was a good friend. You expressed your feelings about your friendship and her actions (something most of the time you'd be told to do, or applauded for by most people on mumsnet, so I don't know where all these attacks about that are coming from). She didn't like it, fair enough. Try and forget about her and move on, it doesn't sound like it was a very equal friendship to begin with, and when you put a boundary in place which she didn't like, she spit her dummy out. Well rid!

OP I get it’s a shock to you as you thought she would take what you said on board and change. But think about it, she’s the type to have an affair with a married man and talk about nothing but herself so she’s hardly the type to self-reflect and amend bad behaviour is she?

Although it feels bad now as it’s come as a shock, you’re honestly much better off without a “friend” like her, so this is overall a good outcome for you.

@Pumperthepumper do you have no morals? Of course it’s wrong to sleep with someone you know is married and cheating on their spouse! If I came and hit you/swore at you is that ok because you’re not my wife so not my responsibility?! Of course not, it would still make me a terrible person and I would expect my friends to judge my behaviour accordingly and possibly want to cut ties. The Op’s ex-friend was knowingly causing hurt to someone so that makes her a bad person - you don’t have to be married to someone to cause them hurt! HTH.

It sounds like a total assassination rather than just a firm, "You're my friend but I don't want to talk about your relationship anymore it makes me uncomfortable."
You said you confronted her about the relationship, constantly talking about herself, being selfish, being negative and called her out for some other things as well!

That. You say you didn't tell her she was a bad person. Maybe not, but you told her all ways in which she was a bad person in your eyes.

If someone said all those things to me, whether I deserved them or not, I'd assume that they disliked me and I'd want them out of my life. I'd have done exactly the same as her.

The relationship thing was fine. All the rest was personal, and I don't believe that you could have heard someone say the same things about you and not be very hurt and upset.

A large part of affairs is the chemical high the participants get from such aspects as the subterfuge and the idealisation of the other. In this case it sounds like the ex-friend received chemical highs from engaging the OP in the analysis of the affair. The continual need to talk about the situation with a third party served to perpetuate the drama of the affair. Take away that forum, and the ex-friend needs to find another source. That's exactly what she's done, by sacking off the OP and finding some other schmuck to talk to about her sordid affair (no offence, OP!).

@Conkergame

OP I get it’s a shock to you as you thought she would take what you said on board and change. But think about it, she’s the type to have an affair with a married man and talk about nothing but herself so she’s hardly the type to self-reflect and amend bad behaviour is she?

Although it feels bad now as it’s come as a shock, you’re honestly much better off without a “friend” like her, so this is overall a good outcome for you.

@Pumperthepumper do you have no morals? Of course it’s wrong to sleep with someone you know is married and cheating on their spouse! If I came and hit you/swore at you is that ok because you’re not my wife so not my responsibility?! Of course not, it would still make me a terrible person and I would expect my friends to judge my behaviour accordingly and possibly want to cut ties. The Op’s ex-friend was knowingly causing hurt to someone so that makes her a bad person - you don’t have to be married to someone to cause them hurt! HTH.

How is she causing hurt when it’s his marriage? Are you another one who thinks his marriage vows are the responsibility of every woman on the planet?

Alondra- that’s a good point does this friends behaviour predate the affair? Or has she changed since the affair and stopped wanting to talk about your life? If she has always been this way then it’s likely you were never really compatible as friends. If it’s just since the affair people don’t want to be friends with people they think are judging them. If she knows you wouldn’t get involved with someone married then she will feel your disapproval all the time, because you do disapprove and that will come through to her whenever you talk about it.

@Pumperthepumper

If she refused to see him again then that's one more woman who is helping to respect the institution of marriage. Whether he would never cheat on his wife again is irrelevant.

Well no, it isn’t - because if he cheats again that means, according to you, it’s then that woman who has responsibility for his wife. What you’re saying is every single woman in the world is responsible for his behaviour, because he’ll always be willing to find someone else.

She can’t do anything about the institution of marriage if she’s not married.

Nope.

I never said the next woman who comes along would then have responsibility for the wife.

No, not every woman in the world is responsible for his behaviour.

Each person is responsible for their own behaviour.

Please go back and read what I actually typed.

Seriously this topic has turned into a purposely go for the OP kind of topic, no matter what the OP posts. Brave of you to post in AIBU.

OP similar happened to me, a friend had an affair and got with the MM, but insisted on bad mouth the the wife. I told her politely I really didn't want to discuss her private life and we would just have to agree not to agree. She flipped and started making out her relationship was some kind of Romeo and Juliet tale and re-wrote history (forgetting she'd told me a lot of things she was subsequently insisting never happened).

I ended up blocking her as I couldn't condone or support her behaviour and she could not have a conversation without being incredibly nasty about the wife.

You'll need to move on, this friendship has run it's course.

The friendship is over, just leave it be but on a good note you don't have to listen about her affair, she doesn't seem a nice person anyway, move on and find better people to be friends with.

Some of the replies on this feel really odd to me. I’ve seen people saying they are having an affair with a married person on here get absolute kickings time and time again. I have also seen people complaining someone has had a go at them for it and people saying it’s well deserved. But on this post the OP reached her limit of her friend banging on about it, asking for support and being an asshole about the wife in question and somehow the OP is now the bad guy for not being supportive. I hope all my friends would tell me if i was being selfish and refuse to put up with my bullshit when i consistently made shitty choices. But apparently instead i should just expect blind support.

How is she causing hurt when it’s his marriage? Are you another one who thinks his marriage vows are the responsibility of every woman on the planet?

Just another woman thinking a man's behaviour is the responsibility of another woman. I despair.

@Pumperthepumper they are BOTH causing hurt, not just the husband. Hurt can be caused by more than one person, you know! Why does that seem to be so hard for you to understand? I take it you must have had an affair with a married man to be this invested in getting the woman off the hook for her OWN actions.

If she was innocently in a relationship with him and had no idea he had a wife then of course it wouldn’t be her fault at all. But she does know. So she’s doing this while knowing it causes great pain to the wife. That kind of person is not a good person.

[quote Conkergame]@Pumperthepumper they are BOTH causing hurt, not just the husband. Hurt can be caused by more than one person, you know! Why does that seem to be so hard for you to understand? I take it you must have had an affair with a married man to be this invested in getting the woman off the hook for her OWN actions.

If she was innocently in a relationship with him and had no idea he had a wife then of course it wouldn’t be her fault at all. But she does know. So she’s doing this while knowing it causes great pain to the wife. That kind of person is not a good person.[/quote]
I don’t think we’re going to agree that him shitting on his wife is the responsibility of womankind.

OP you were entirely in the right. Some of these replies are ridiculous. I had a friend just like this. She used to call me for upwards of an hour a day to discuss every detail of the affair she was having with a married man including mind-numbing analysis of every conversation and descriptions of her "detective work" on his family and real life. Occasionally she would break off to bitch about a mutual friend who she had fallen out with. She rarely asked me a question and then only for form's sake before she launched into another hour on whether I thought that day's texts had seemed particularly dismissive or mean.

Eventually I just stopped taking her calls. I realised that she wasn't a real friend at all and once I had some space I realised I didn't miss her. I got back a huge amount of free time and was able to invest in other friendships. When I got back in touch with the mutual friend who she used to bitch about it turned out that the friend had previously been the one receiving the daily calls and had also had enough.

A lot of the people on this thread have a very immature view of friendship. Supportive friendship doesn't mean pandering. Your friend will eventually end up friendless if she keeps using people, good on you for trying to help her before she gets to that point.