SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

[Nevermindgeorge]

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

@Spiceyornicey

It’s not that you’re not intelligent because you choose to be a SAHM. But it’s really really hard to enjoy an uninterrupted conversation when surrounded by small children.

Sometimes it can be. But a lot of it has to do with how you interact with your child and how well they behave when they are not being entertained by you. I've got very good at doing 3 things at once. And I've also got very good at getting my children to behave well. So it's not that much of an issue.

The best thing about being a SAHM is by 3.30 all housework is done and I can then pay more attention to my children. Same with weekends. There is nothing to do or sort out so we can just have fun as a family.

I think it's wonderful. I took full maternity and then left my career after my second. I still dabbled in my previous career, taking small jobs on despite my husband claiming i didn't need to work, he had us covered but I love what i do.

Well, 2 years later he ran off with someone else and I would have been STUFFED had i not set up my small biz, which I've now grown since kids were at school. I was totally blindsided. The "I had us covered" turned into a "I know loads of single mums that earn ££££ so get on with it" very rapidly.

I think being a SAHM is brilliant but things change and it is always the woman that is affected if things don't pan out in the relationship and they have been fully out of work for years.

It most certainly is looked down on in the UK! I've done both (sometimes I worked full time, currently a SAHM again) and have received a lot of judgments from all sorts of people for not working. I've heard it all, including comments such as "but what do you actually do all day?", "maybe one day you can actually support your husband", "you just need a real job", and even "women who stay at home are pointless"

Who do you have to justify yourself to? Who looks down on you?

I know lots of mums who work and lots of SAHMs. I don't think anyone of them has ever said they felt looked down on.

Everything mothers do is looked down upon - WOH, WFH, SAH, plenty of people are going to think you're doing it wrong. I've done all three and gotten some weird and nasty comments with all of them.

My spouse was the at-home parent for several years when our children were younger, mostly SAH, but he did some WFH projects sometimes particularly as time went on. We switched when our youngest was about 2 - not so much free choice, but with health and other things it made the most sense. It's been several years now, and like my spouse I started to take on projects a few years into it.

I've no regrets, I feel pretty equally happy in all those positions though at times I feel -- not a loss, but a pang of time having passed and not really being where I'd like to be in terms of health and work I'd like to have done (though I got pangs about the latter even when I was WOH). For me, it's always been the people in my days that make them happy or not rather than what specifically I'm doing.

I’ve found being a SAHM quite difficult but my baby was born during the pandemic so things might have been different if we’d been allowed to do normal things like leaving the house!

I’d quit my job as it was very high pressure and I would have been on call 24/7. I’ve recently got myself a little part time, completely flexible job where she does nursery two mornings a week. I feel much better being able to get out and speak to other adults!

Totally @JungleIsMassive. But more often that not as a SAHM, social interactions are more often than not with other mums. So if it’s not your own child throwing toast on the floor and climbing on the table while you chat, it’ll be somebody else’s.

There's definitely judgement here in the UK, compared to many other countries who value SAHMs. It's sad really.

@LadyOfLittleLeisure

It most certainly is looked down on in the UK! I've done both (sometimes I worked full time, currently a SAHM again) and have received a lot of judgments from all sorts of people for not working. I've heard it all, including comments such as "but what do you actually do all day?", "maybe one day you can actually support your husband", "you just need a real job", and even "women who stay at home are pointless"

Indeed. Or the more snidey comments like 'I needed more than just being a mum.' Which, deliberately or not, implies that SAHMs are just a bit vacuous or dim.

To some of the PPs on this thread, how can you be a SAHP to children of school age? Or any in childcare? Surely at that point, you're an unemployed parent?

@EmbarrassingMama

Who do you have to justify yourself to? Who looks down on you?

I know lots of mums who work and lots of SAHMs. I don't think anyone of them has ever said they felt looked down on.

I think there is often a feeling of guilt that comes with being a mother. Whether you're at home or not. It can often feel like you're doing the wrong thing. Or haven't made the right choices in other people's eyes.

You don't actually have to justify your self to anyone. But threads like these makes everyone get their backs up and feel they to justify why they chose the life they did

Honestly, as long as the children are happy and well looked after and you have a steady relationship and feel happy within yourself. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks.

Own it and be true to yourself and everything will fall into place.

Too many More often than nots

@Spiceyornicey

Totally *@JungleIsMassive*. But more often that not as a SAHM, social interactions are more often than not with other mums. So if it’s not your own child throwing toast on the floor and climbing on the table while you chat, it’ll be somebody else’s.

Haha! Yes! Other people's kids can be quite annoying sometimes. I'm sure people have felt the same about mine at some point.

It’s odd. People do seem to judge sahm’s but then there are often threads on here about whether you would give up work if you could afford to, and the answers are heavily on the yes side with no judgement at all.

I don’t need to work, so even though the kids are getting older i chose not to. Dh is very happy with that as it means he doesn’t have to worry about kids illnesses/ appointments/ clubs etc.

I think it’s becoming increasingly uncommon for financial reasons, most couples need two incomes to afford a mortgage/high rents.

I don’t understand why anyone else cares about my choices, I certainly don’t care about theirs.

@sanfranfibber

To some of the PPs on this thread, how can you be a SAHP to children of school age? Or any in childcare? Surely at that point, you're an unemployed parent?

School holiday care, wrap around care, sick days, inset days etc. Kids are out of school much more than they are in school.

@sanfranfibber

To some of the PPs on this thread, how can you be a SAHP to children of school age? Or any in childcare? Surely at that point, you're an unemployed parent?

No. I'm a mum who stays at home.

about whether you would give up work if you could afford to, and the answers are heavily on the yes side with no judgement at all.

But there is a massive difference between not having to work, being a lady of leisure, being able to spend your time shopping, lunching, at David Lloyd and having to care for 2 pre-schoolers. One of those things I could definitely make peace with, and it doesn't include other peoples snot!

@sanfranfibber

To some of the PPs on this thread, how can you be a SAHP to children of school age? Or any in childcare? Surely at that point, you're an unemployed parent?

Well yes. A parent who stays at home.

Indeed. Or the more snidey comments like 'I needed more than just being a mum.' Which, deliberately or not, implies that SAHMs are just a bit vacuous or dim.

I don't think that is the case at all. I'm a dreadful mum beyond loving my kids and feeding them. I don't enjoy them particularly and find spending time with them frustrating - for me I needed more because doing that made me feel angry, depressed and made me extremely unhappy, which made life worse for me, my, husband, my kids. I have friends who have found their calling in being a mum, it has fulfilled them in ways they didn't realise were possible. It has made them the best version of themselves that they could ever have hoped to be. I have other friends for whom somewhere in the middle is true, but on the whole they enjoy parenting more than they enjoyed their careers. None of us are vacuous or dim, we're just fulfilled by different things. And there is nothing wrong with that. I'm just extremely grateful we live somewhere where we have the choice.

I think our childcare options are very limited in the UK compared to other countries (EU). That makes going back to work such a hard decision that people can be quite defensive about their own choice being the right one. Maybe looking down on SAHM helps some people justify £1000 spent on childcare.

I say that as someone who went back part time. I felt being a SAHM would be really tough mentally in terms of isolation and lack of adult contact. I wonder if those who are happy being SAHM have lots of family support (grandparents) and other mum friends nearby?

I think it’s a privilege if you genuinely have a choice. Most people I know either didn’t earn enough to cover childcare or their wages were necessary for the house so they had to go back to work. I don’t know anyone who had a totally free choice either way.

The best thing about being a SAHM is by 3.30 all housework is done and I can then pay more attention to my children. Same with weekends. There is nothing to do or sort out so we can just have fun as a family.

I don't understand this. When I get home the housework is done because we haven't been in the house to mess it up. The food shop comes after the kids are in bed and the laundry is done in the morning when the kids are eating breakfast. Because the house is empty most of the time there's minimal house work and the cleaner does the bathroom/ hoovering/ dusting/ mopping. When I was at home with the kids I was constantly cleaning up from their food/ crafts/ toys and the house needed so much more cleaning.

I guess if your kids are at school then you don't get that though.

To some of the PPs on this thread, how can you be a SAHP to children of school age? Or any in childcare? Surely at that point, you're an unemployed parent?

Well, they're still a parent at home. The unemployed part is already inferred in that which is why WAHP and WFH came to discuss those at-home who are also working (even though SAHPs have done work, paid and unpaid, for ages). Also, some at-home parents home educate.

This reminds me of soon after I'd come out of the hospital, in the middle of my medical crisis, my spouse got remarks that he wasn't a SAHP anymore because I was now at home (apparently I could be a housewife/SAHM while bedbound, but he couldn't be a SAHD if I was also home). True, he was now also a carer dealing with having watched me nearly die, and he was doing some freelance work, and he was staying at home parenting, but if he wanted to identify with SAHD, I didn't see it as wrong and still do not get why people felt the need to narrow the definition of SAHP or assume that other things being involved means it doesn't count anymore.

I am, 4 year old, 2 year old & another due soon.

Honestly all I ever wanted to be was a mum, so as soon as I had my first DD that was it for me, that was my role. I’ve been lucky enough to have 2 more!

I definitely get the impression that some people see that as a bit pathetic and not very ambitious (mostly online rather than in real life though.) But I don’t care. We’re all different.

We always wanted 3 children, it was always the plan I would stay home until the youngest was of school age at least.

Each to their own, if you couldn’t wait to get back to work - totally get that!

If you couldn’t think of anything worse than going back to work - totally get that too.

But I feel very, very lucky to be able to stay home with my children.

@sanfranfibber

I don't look down on SAHMs but I do wonder if they've really thought beyond the toddler years. It can ruin your working prospects, damage your pension and long term earning, cause homecare disparity with your partner, make you the default parent which lasts long beyond any return to work.

I always internally eye roll when people say their life dream is to 'be a mother'. Yes its amazing and a unique experience, but is that really all there is too you?

How mean spirited @sanfranfibber So what if you want something else? This is so judgemental. If someone just wants to be a mum then that’s up to them what fulfils them.

Why do we always have to judge people by their desires? Some people want to be the CEO, others wants to be the Saturday morning person who does a few hours and goes home - both are valid, both are important. If someone wants to be a parent and that’s what makes them happy and motivates them then good for them. You have no place to eye roll at them, shitty attitude that makes people like the OP feel like they do.

OP I have just decided to become a SAHM. I’ve always loved my career and it’s been going really well. But I’ve had my DC and I realised I want to spend all my time with them whilst they’re small as I’ll never get the opportunity again. So I’ve quite work. In a year or two I’m going to go back into education and switch my career to something I’ve always wanted to do and can work around my DC. I’m happy, I’m excited and I’ve made the right choice for my family.