SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

[Nevermindgeorge]

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

@Nevermindgeorge

I just don’t understand why it’s so looked down on, especially in the U.K.? Isn’t it an amazing thing for a child to be with its mother? It’s not the easy option and as much as I’m so happy I’m able to be at home, it’s not a walk in the park! I found working much easier. I’ve contributed to the system for years and will do again, why do some look down their noses 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think it is looked down on as such, but I think there is a growing recognition that it is often detrimental to women in the longer term.

I absolutely wouldn't want my dd to become a SAHP, not because I think it's a bad thing to do, but primarily because I have seen too many cases where it has not worked out well for the women concerned. There is a reason why we don't see lots of men becoming SAHPs. Long periods out of the workplace frequently lead to loss of career prospects and loss of financial independence. Sometimes loss of confidence, too, or even a woman's sense of identity/purpose. I saw this first hand with my own mum, who loved being a SAHP when we were little but bitterly regrets it now.

Of course, it works out brilliantly for some people, so good for them. With careful planning, I think a lot can probably done to mitigate the risks, but people don't always think about this until it's too late. If I were in that situation now myself, I would be giving a lot of time and thought as to how I could promote and preserve my financial independence, how to maintain my skills, contacts and confidence while out of the workplace, what kind of strategy to pursue with regard to an eventual return to work, how to retain an identity/interests/sense of purpose beyond the home etc. I think being a SAHP would be much more enjoyable if you know you've got these things covered and you're not leaving any of them to chance.

I've done every iteration from trailing spouse, SAHP, FT WFH, FT WOHP, WOHP plus international travel, PT WFH, PT WOHP.

Every single version comes with some great bits and some crap bits.

But the big lesson for me was sometimes one model worked better than others, so I don't think there's a right or wrong, just what's right at that time for your family. Personally I found the time at home when they were teens more important than when they were babies but that's about my family not anyone elses.

And I definitely don't judge anyone their choice whether that's back to FT work when the baby is super young or SAHP when the kid is heading to Uni - to name just two contraversial stereotypes!

I was a SAHM and I don’t regrets a single moment. It was without doubt the hardest thing I had ever done but I know that we all benefitted from it. However if it doesn’t work for women it is important that they don’t feel they have to be a SAHM, it only benefits everyone if you are happy - or content at least if not jump up and down happy every day! They grow up so quickly and my eldest isn’t far from leaving home and I am eternally grateful for every second we spent together those early years.

As for being looked down on, I think women are always looked down on, they can never do right - work full time = bad mum, SAHM = scrounger/ unambitious/ not pulling their weight.

I'm a SAHM and have been for 5 years now. Originally became one as my son was very ill as a baby and we decided it would be better for me to give up work and look after him than putting him in nursery. It was a struggle money wise at first but we did it for my sons health.

We have since gone on to have a 3rd baby and my husband has had 2 promotions since then so money wise I don't need to go back to work. I am looking to go back now my youngest is starting preschool. I have in the main enjoyed it but it is hard work and sometimes with I worked so I could get a break! I have felt judged by people, mainly other mums on the school run! It used to bother me....I dont care anymore!

[quote cinammonbuns]@Nevermindgeorge It shouldn’t be looked down upon for men or women.[/quote]
I totally agree with this. I do find it interesting that SAHMs are still far more common than SAHDs. And that the majority of parents I see at school gates, baby classes etc. are women. Not always but for the vast majority. No judgement again as I've obviously been part of this myself as a mum but I do wonder why it is - it sometimes feels like a very old fashioned notion of women being the main caregiver to children that is still prevalent in a supposedly forward thinking and equal society.

Sorry, derailing a bit but it's something I find quite interesting/frustrating I suppose.

@KateWinsome

I'm not being the thread police. There are loads of SAHMs-v-WOHMs threads but this was just for SAHMs' experiences and it skews the discussion if others chime in saying they couldn't be a SAHM because they're too intelligent and independent.

I’m not sure anyone has said that, have they?

I was hazarding a guess at why it did seemed to be socially frowned upon and the only thing I could really think of is that because women generally are seen as lesser, anything exclusively female is also seen as lesser. Such as being a mother. And that coupled with a real onus on education, success and wealth, could be why someone choosing to not work to mother their children feels a strange need to defend it.

I was one until ds turned 5.I now work very part time in a school nearby (2 hours a day).I can do school drop off and pick up,have my own alone time and adult conversations it is the best of both worlds.
I clawed my way into the job,heard through word of mouth that they were short staffed at lunchtimes.I really wanted school hours and the holidays that came with it.I used to be a gp receptionist before i had ds.

I don’t think you’ll get a balanced picture op. I am a sahm and I get the feeling I will be flamed if I say it’s worth it in any way, so I’m out.

I don't judge Sahm at all, however I don't understand the complaints I hear from some sahm I know. Looking after a child is easier and muhh more pleasurable for me than working

Well I have been a SAHM for long time now and absolutely love it! Time is my own ,can take my dog out ,bake ,go shopping and so on .I do feel that in many countries SAHMs are looked down on though.My friend was at DH works Dinner and was not really spoken to at all by any of his colleagues! Its all and what do you do? As though looking after DC and home was a breeze FFS! I too hate routine and having to be somewhere and do something by a certain time .

In my circles it’s only looked down upon if you choose to be a SAHM and have to rely on state benefits to do so, as then the state is funding a lifestyle choice. I don’t know anyone who looks down on people who choose to be a SAHM that can afford it. It’s a great opportunity to be around for your children if you can.

I personally think you need to think a lot about future. To many women think oh I’ll get a job when they are older but how realistic is it? Lots get stuck in low paid jobs on returning to work. I know when DD was a primary school I got comments about how ‘lucky’ I was with my part time hours in a professional job. It wasn’t luck it was because I’d kept working. There was zero chance I’d have been able to get a similar role after 4/5 years out. Your family unit is also more vulnerable if the one wage earner gets ill/redundant/leaves/dies.

I have teenagers and since the fist came along I've always worked part time. This has been the ideal fit for our family.
I've been able to bring in a bit of money for extras, plus I've enjoyed and been proud of having a job.
I wouldn't have liked to work full time. I didn't enjoy my job that much. We waited 10 years for children to come along until we finally adopted DS, who is now 17 and I felt that after waiting so long I wanted to be there with him as much as possible. For the first few years I was very part time, 6 hours per week. That has increased over the years and now I do 20 .
We've never used a childminder or creche we've been able to manage the child care between us and DH

I think women should be more supportive of other women and the choices they make. It's great that it's possible to to stay working. My mother had to leave her job when she had her first baby. and it's great when women choose to stay at home with their children. Neither choice is better than the other, they're just different.
Less judging please!!!

I don't look down on SAHMs but I do wonder if they've really thought beyond the toddler years. It can ruin your working prospects, damage your pension and long term earning, cause homecare disparity with your partner, make you the default parent which lasts long beyond any return to work.

I always internally eye roll when people say their life dream is to 'be a mother'. Yes its amazing and a unique experience, but is that really all there is too you?

I think the best thing for a small child is to have family looking after them more more often than they are in paid care. So SAHP, or both parents working 4 days a week and 1 day at home with child or grandparents doing 2 days a week. I remember sitting at work after finishing maternity leave and wondering why the hell someone else was looking after my child when I could be doing it. So I quit. Sometimes it’s lonely and monotonous and frustrating but having had children, and having a husband who works long hours, I feel like I’m the best person to look after them. I definitely feel like I have to justify having any childcare when I am at home with them but how else would I go to the dentist etc? It doesn’t really occur to me whether people would look down on me as a full time SAHM but mine are still small and I might feel I have to justify myself when they’re bigger. But honestly I’ll just need to get over it. If it’s the best thing for my family it really doesn’t matter at all what other people think

SAHM to a 4 year old and 2 year old. I love it but I've been very lucky to meet a good circle of friends so I've never been bored or lonely.

I wouldn't go back and change anything. They grow up soooo quickly. I did plan to go back to work when my youngest was 6 months which didn't happen

I plan to retrain as being a SAHM has given me time to think about what I really want to do so actually it hasn't affected my career.

Honestly OP you will look back at this as a golden time.

I have a three and one year old who I’m at home with. I do it because I believe it’s best for them, and even though it’s a hard slog (soul destroying at times) I really want the experience of raising them myself until the youngest is at least two. I’m just not willing to give that up. I’ve overcome all sorts of challenges in my life and I believe I can afford three or more years out of what will probably be at least 40 years in the workforce. I had quite a swanky sounding job before and I’ll figure something out.

I've been a SAHM for nearly 6 years. It was a choice, and the first 4 or so years of that were not in the UK, it was the norm as a trailing spouse. I'm back in the UK now though, and would LOVE to go back to work, but having been off the UK working market for so long (8 years in total), I'm not really sure what I'm good for. Also, ds is primary school age, and I do not want him in before and after school care, the thought of it makes me a bit upset tbh. So not only am I more or less unemployable, I also only want to work school hours. Not realistic, I know. I guess I'll be a SAHM for a bit longer.

DD is 12 now and whilst I'm now back in work (2 x days a week, in education so crap pay but benefits like having the school hols off make it bearable for now. Its incredibly boring with a boss who's difficult to work with when she's stressed. Which is often. But yes it's ok for now) I've spent many years since she was born doing a mix of SAHM, casual paid work locally or voluntary work, all of which had given me a nice balance, adult company and brain stimulation and helped filled Cv gaps giving me things to talk about in interviews and references. if nothing else I'd heartily reccomend any SAHM looks do do an hour or so a week of something voluntary if circumstances permit. You will gain so much back.

I think if being a SAHM its a choice which suits your family it's no one else's business. There is another discussion about how feminist it is as a choice but we need to be realistic about where we society still is - sometimes it's the best choice to suit a family and at times, theses choices take short term priority over our beliefs as feminists. But yes, another discussion . I do agree the choice to be a SAHM definitely can be detrimental to women in the long term.

For me, my job before DD was one I adored and was very, very good at and it paid well. However it demanded long hours and working away every week with hours spent sat in airports. It was a bit dog eat dog too so if you sat still too long, your skills and experience quickly became out of date. So all in, not compatible with starting a family. Maybe I'll go back to it one day!

The important thing for me is what ever I did work wise or not when DD was little, I did it in a away that tried to future proof things if that makes sense?

Those saying they'd be gutted if their daughter decided to be a SAHM, can I clarify ...do you mean as a Career Choice or as a short term solution? I see where you're coming from in the first case.

It's horses for courses - everyone's circumstances are different and there's no one size fits all. Do what's right for your family. I'm not sure where you live OP, but like you I was not living in the UK when my DCs were born. They were brought up in a French (then German with French school) environment and I actually think in those circumstances it was vital to be at home to get them speaking good English as well as the other languages they were picking up in nursery and at school. The last thing they needed was more childcare in the language of the countries we were living in. I didn't get back to working again until my youngest was at secondary school - I'm now doing something quite different though not entirely unrelated to my previous career and it it fits in really well around everything else. I loved every minute of the time spent with my DCs and I wouldn't swap a single moment. It is a cliché, but kids grow up incredibly fast and you can never wind back the clock to have those days again. Like you had had many years work under my belt when I had my DCs and was able to draw on that experience and those contacts when I eventually decided to go back. It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks as long as you are happy with your choice.

@Iwonder08

I don't judge Sahm at all, however I don't understand the complaints I hear from some sahm I know. Looking after a child is easier and muhh more pleasurable for me than working

You see I don't get that at all. I love my job, I love working. I love my kids, but find them really tedious for long periods.

I did not expect to feel that way when I had kids, and expected I would be a SAHM or very part time worker.

I think a lot of it depends on what you have done before children and how confident you are.

When I gave up work to be sahm I'd already been working for more than 20yrs. I wasn't bored or lonely, I didn't find it hard and I'm confident enough that other people's views don't affect my decisions.

I lasted 12 weeks before my brain started to atrofy.

I just didn't do 4 hard years of training, clinical practice, placement, study. assessment, exams and being shouted at just to mop-up baby poo and throw the vacuum round.

I hired a nanny, picked-up my security pass and got back into my uniform/scrubs.

But hey, each to their own. Personally it wasn't enough for me. I needed more.