SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

[Nevermindgeorge]

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

@Nexttome That’s the thing, I don’t feel that ambitious anymore, and that’s ok! I still have my brain, I’m just channeling it into my Dd, channelling my teaching skills and early years experience into her, instead of other peoples children. I can’t imagine preferring to be at work than with her and I probably have lost a lot of ambition, but so what 🤷🏻‍♀️When she starts school , I’ll go back to work.

I’m a SAHM. Wouldn’t recommend it. I had children young now my life is ruined as I have no prospects. Family life is great no issues but personally I am unfulfilled.

With hindsight I should have got started on a career path first. I did work but only minimum wage jobs.

That said it does make life easier for us that I don’t work. We don’t have anyone around to help with childcare ever so we don’t have to worry about that. And life is pretty low stress I always have time to do everything that needs doing so we have a comfortable life in that sense. No rushing around which is nice.

I’ve been a SAHM for 7years now, I loved it, it was planned and it has worked out for us and our family. My youngest is at nursery for his 15 hours now so I find it hard being by myself I literally have no clue what to do and he’s only there from 12.15 till 3.

I love being able to collect the children from school and have them to myself during the holidays. My parents worked so much I wanted different for my kids.

@girlmama32 I love it too (most of the time 🤣) I don’t see how some wouldn’t see it as an amazing thing

@Nevermindgeorge

I just don’t understand why it’s so looked down on, especially in the U.K.? Isn’t it an amazing thing for a child to be with its mother? It’s not the easy option and as much as I’m so happy I’m able to be at home, it’s not a walk in the park! I found working much easier. I’ve contributed to the system for years and will do again, why do some look down their noses 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t know if the judgement is linked to the old culture of ‘teen mothers’ who would be unlikely to work then and in many cases, ever. With that being so frowned upon socially, other mothers who ‘don’t work’ are kind of lumped in with that, wherever they fall in the socioeconomic scale? Not sure.

Maybe it’s because wealth, success and intelligence are celebrated and the ‘anyone can be a mother’ idea suggests that you’re not intelligent or you’re lazy if you stay at home to look after a child.

Or perhaps it’s just that culturally, women are always found wanting, and so anything that’s exclusively a woman’s role, ie mothering, is not celebrated.

None of these viewpoints are my own, by the way. Though I will be entirely honest and say I cannot understand how people do it as I found it so tedious. But that’s not to say I think they’re lazy/stupid etc. Of course not. Mothering is a hard job and often unfulfilling.

I genuinely love being a sahm. I just love spending all day with my kids, even this last year! But I totally get it's not for everyone. I find it a pretty easy life and definitely have it a lot easier than working parents in my experience. I gave up work when I had ds1, I hated my job and it wouldn't have worked with a small child anyway. I've been so fortunate to have a husband who earns good money who just shares it all with me. I have a savings account in my own name that DH pays into each month for my retirement/if we were to ever split. I plan to return to work when my youngest is at school. I have never been career minded, I just don't care, but again, that's just me and I totally admire women who are.

I don't think SAHMs are 'looked down upon' as such.

But a lot of people - me included - think it's stupid to make yourself so reliant upon another person and give up your independence.

Just look at some of the threads on MN, for examples of why.

[quote Nevermindgeorge]@girlmama32 I love it too (most of the time 🤣) I don’t see how some wouldn’t see it as an amazing thing[/quote]
And thus variety is the spice of life. We’re all different as I can’t understand how you do it happily. 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP - never complain, never explain

I knew I was doing what was best for my DD and for me. And trust me, there is plenty of time to catch up with work so don't let the doom mongers of Mumsnet make you doubt your choice.

I had to work with my first DC as I was a single parent from her being 6m. It was hard but basically I decided to devote her first years to be centred around her - so, providing for her, roof over our heads, food, clothing, paying for nice things for us to do on a weekend and earning enough to be able to visit my family. Everything she needed came from me, we were a great team and still very close. I don't recall missing any milestones or not being there for her emotionally, she was simply at the centre of everything (including me taking time for self care once she was tucked up in bed so I was regrouped enough to cope with everything). I worked up to director level so I had autonomy and enough money (and flexibility for school plays, unpaid leave etc. )

Now with three DC and a DH, and made redundant (thanks Covid) so have been a SAHM for a year (and previously on mat leave 2 years ago). Also love it, I do prefer it (especially as I simply hate commuting!) as I adore and am interested in daily life with my kids. It's never boring, plus no HR crap to deal with! However, my DD was so proud of my job so I'll eventually look for something with more balance. Especially as I've just had another DD. Plus I don’t want DH to have the pressure of being sole earner - he loves being with the kids too!

It doesn't have to be either or. But not many job structures support more balance. I'm determined to find it!

@GameSetMatch See, that would be the ideal for me too. I will likely have to return to work when she starts school, but really hope I can do it round her school hours (I’m a teacher)
In all complete honesty, if we were very wealthy, there’s no way I’d want to return to work and would want to be there for every drop off, pick up etc, but I feel some sort of shame saying that!

I loved my time as a SAHM. They really are tiny for so little time, I'm glad I got to spend that time.

But, when DS was tiny there were so many opportunities to spend quality time with him. Local toddler groups were plentiful and inexpensive. There was no pandemic limiting numbers at sessions. There were also lots of volunteering and training opportunities available locally, so I was able to spend a few hours a week being a grown up and keeping my brain ticking over.

If I lived somewhere isolated with little to do, or indeed was at home during the pandemic I'd probably have had a very different experience.

I did enjoy being a SAHM for a while but now I'm done with it. I did get work last summer but failed my probationary period because of the need to home school in September. I am really low now youngest is at school, I don't even get interviews I am very restricted on hours I can apply for as my husband's work is frequently away, overnight and quite a few weekends but nothing is fixed. I want so badly to work. Right now I get why I am at the bottom of the pile 6 years out of work I might as well have no qualifications or experience AND I can only commit to mon- Friday. I'm hardly looking keen.

@KateWinsome

I don't know why WOHMs are answering when OP specifically asked for experiences from SAHMs. And some of the sneery responses will put some off answering.

I was a SAHM, sometimes it was wonderful, sometimes ok and sometimes a drag - just like a job. I just didn't want to put my baby/toddler into day care and wasn't bothered what other people thought. And I'd respect other women to make their own choices too.

God forbid mothers with experience of both sides join in 🙄 it’s an open forum. Please don’t police it.

[quote Nevermindgeorge]@cinammonbuns I agree it doesn’t need to be at all, but it could also be nice if it was? And not looked down upon 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Perhaps it would he nice, but it isn't always feasible for lots of people for lots of reasons. Many will see their children thrive in being around other children at nurseries/childminders and developing strong bonds with other families such as grandparents. There is no right or wrong.

Conversely, I have observed more comments that can sound judgemental of full-time working mums e.g. they are only little for a short time/you'll never get this time back. Comments like that can rub salt into the wound of parents who would like to be around more but can't for a variety of reasons. But perhaps that's because this is my situation so I naturally notice those comments more. Perhaps the same could be said of you?

*I was a teacher (secondary). It was totally incompatible with parenting as a single parent to younger children. Sorry if that's not helpful but schools as employers are not in a position to support anyone needing time off for childcare.

Not a full stay at home mum but have dropped to two days in work, I don't want to give it up completely as I'm a nurse & a HV, I'll lose my registration and have to do a return to practice course if I wanted to go back. I also enjoy my job. I was 3 days after DS, DD is 7 months, I was 13 weeks pregnant at the first lockdown so not been in clinic for all that time. I can't wait. I can't wait for the routine and to have my work time. With school and nursery drop off it just didn't make sense to go back 3 and struggle.

I'm a SAHM. I used to work full time and the children's dad was a SAHD.
Unfortunately circumstances changed. I suffer multiple disabilities and I have severe MH problems, and the children's father left me.
The kids are 12, 7 and 5.
I suppose being disabled and mentally ill makes it different. I cant say my life is boring, it's certainly far from it (feel free to search for my thread on psychosis!) But it is frustrating at times. I miss being stable. I miss being able to work. I miss being able to run round after my children.
So yes, I'm a sahm, but im also in need of a lot of care and support which changes the dynamics drastically I think. I cant do the things other sahp do.

No I don’t think it’s a lovely thing particularly. I think it’s pretty romanticised and as I say, I was a SAHM to all my children. The reality is you dont get paid for your work, your children don’t miraculously turn out to be better humans having had a few more hours with you during the day.
I’d be gutted for any daughter of mine that became a sahm yes. I’d assume she was in some way financially dependent on a man (a very precarious position imo), and that she wasn’t fulfilling her full potential (educationally and career wise). Being a SAHM is pretty mind numbing because everything has to be achieved in bite sized chunks . Concentration and developing things to a deeper level is next to impossible. The day is partly bonding and playing with children but mostly it’s spent cleaning up messes and dealing with minor dramas. It’s really not as if you never see your children if you work full time.
It’s simply that the crap bit of the day (the bit where you have to prepare endless meals and snacks and stand in the park and go to toddler group) is done by someone else. You still get the nice bit at the end of the day, to relax and read a story and see friends over dinner. And you get to keep your income, stay sane, and maintain an enriching social life (not just people who happen to be parents too).

Oh and I've had mil not best pleased about dropping a day despite her being a sahm when she had her kids!!

I'm not technically a SAHM.. i'm a Carer (i get Carers allowance benefit), but my DS goes to school every day, so i get plenty of judgy people telling me i COULD still work during school hours.. the issue is he has disabilities that can mean a sudden day off, or needing me to drop everything to get to school..it also facilitates me being able to be around for my other child who needs taking/picking up every day as the buses are non existent locally.

I fill my time with my housework, admin, chores...etc.. i also spend a fair amount of time looking after my mum, keeping her company, taking her shopping, doing HER household maintenance/chores as she has limited mobility, walking her dog and so on.

I also get to spend some time with my friends as i can't leave my kids home alone, and the only real 'respite' i get is when they're with my ExH every other weekend for one night.

Both kids are now at secondary, and there's times i kinda miss my job (Was a teaching assistant) but this works for us as a little unit right now, and i dont regret giving up my job to look after my kids..

@Voomster953 Some valid points there. Yes, admittedly I do find it mainly dull 🤣it has been hard at times to go against my old self, where I used my brain daily. I think if I thought it was for many years, I’d feel differently as I would likely go nuts, but for a short time, I’m enjoying it mainly

I'm not being the thread police. There are loads of SAHMs-v-WOHMs threads but this was just for SAHMs' experiences and it skews the discussion if others chime in saying they couldn't be a SAHM because they're too intelligent and independent.

I think whether you work or not as a mum in the UK you will get criticised, you're seen as a target of other people's advice nonsense.

I honestly take my hat off to anyone who can be a SAHM. Being a SAHM or at least being very part time at work was the plan when we had DC1 but I absolutely hated my year of mat leave and couldn't wait to get back to work. I ended up going back full time. I think anyone who can hate it but do it because they know it is the best thing for the kids (it is, evidence is fairly clear on that) is amazing, and if you actually enjoy it, then that's even better! Personally I think working full time is easier.