SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

[Nevermindgeorge]

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

I never wanted to be a SAHM, but was persuaded that it would be best for the children by my STBXH and my MIL. So, I gave up a very well paid career, and followed my husband to the other side of the world so that he could further his career. Every time I tried to return to work, I was told that I was lucky that we could afford for me to be a SAHM, and made to feel like I was an awful mother for even contemplating it. It was more usual to be a SAHM in the country that we had moved to, so I kept quiet about it, even though I was bored to tears and was diagnosed with depression. I opened my own business from home, once the kids started school, but he was not at all supportive, and I was eventually made to feel so bad about doing something that wasn't 'family', that I closed my business. When we moved back to the UK I was 'told' that I should stay at home for at least a year 'to settle everyone in', and then that he would 'think about' me going to work.

I left him in the end, for lots of reasons including the fact that he had treated me that way, but also because I found out he had had an affair with a work colleague whilst we were living overseas (whilst I was at home with the kids...).

Luckily I was able to live on savings for a short while so that I could retrain (my old career was long gone by then). I now have the kids 90% of the time and am working in a job that I love but which is not far over minimum wage. We separated about 2.5 years ago, and he paid his first child maintenance payment at the beginning of this month (when I had previously complained about his non-payment, his mother told me I 'couldn't have my cake and eat it' - i.e. I couldn't expect to have left him and still have him support the kids). I am much, much happier now, but I do wish I had stood firm and kept my old career going, even if it had been part time. I'd have been in a much better financial position moving forward, and I'd have had the courage and the means to have left him before I did.

I'm not saying that it always ends up like this, but maybe my story should be a cautionary tale?

Dot ...I totally get you about it being tedious, certainly at times. I used to love being out and about with DD when she was little, exploring, going for days away, wood walks and being with her and watching her reactions to the world. In fact when I see other parents doing this with their toddlers now it makes me feel quite emotional because as a previous poster has said, that time is so short. Plus, is it awful of me to say I miss the days when I was her absolute favourite person in the world?!!

However, the words guaranteed to strike fear into my heart were "Mummy will you play dolls with me?". Good lord it was so boring. 5 minutes minutes of playing dolls or schools feels like a day

@tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz

Those saying they'd be gutted if their daughter decided to be a SAHM, can I clarify ...do you mean as a Career Choice or as a short term solution? I see where you're coming from in the first case.

As a career choice, yes, I'd be disappointed for her. As a short-term solution, less so, but I would still be quite concerned.

I've seen quite a lot of women struggle to get back into work as quickly as they had anticipated, or who have ended up going back on jobs at a much lower level than they are capable of. I would be worried about that.

I'd also be worried about her creating a dynamic in her relationship where she was the default parent/cleaner/cook etc, even after going back to work. Again, I have seen this happen frequently. I think it can be quite hard to get a partner to step up and take on an equal share of the domestic labour if they have become accustomed to seeing that as someone else's primary responsibility.

Is it looked down upon? I never noticed that when I was a stay at home mum for a couple of years. It feels like you are collecting opinions for a short free newspaper story

When the kids were younger being at home was great .
I’m currently on furlough and my kids are 16 and 13 now and I would
give anything to be back at work SAHM is not for me now

I'm a SAHM and I both love and hate it atm.
Absolutely adored it pre-covid as we were at groups every day and had a great routine.
Post covid it's been really hard but I do still enjoy it for the most part. I've started to make a plan to get back to work when my eldest starts primary school as I feel I need a career for my own self worth.
My children are now in nursery twice a week and that's been amazing for everyone.

My kids are honestly very happy and thriving, it's just me that's craving something more.

@tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz

Dot ...I totally get you about it being tedious, certainly at times. I used to love being out and about with DD when she was little, exploring, going for days away, wood walks and being with her and watching her reactions to the world. In fact when I see other parents doing this with their toddlers now it makes me feel quite emotional because as a previous poster has said, that time is so short. Plus, is it awful of me to say I miss the days when I was her absolute favourite person in the world?!!

However, the words guaranteed to strike fear into my heart were "Mummy will you play dolls with me?". Good lord it was so boring. 5 minutes minutes of playing dolls or schools feels like a day

I should probably have never had kids.

Everyone said it would be different with your own, but I haven't found that to be the case.

I'm a SAHM to school age children. It's a family choice and suits us very well.
I enjoyed working and I enjoy home stuff, I hated doing both.
The only time I've ever felt judged is on Mumsnet which is fine, it's not a true representation and I can take the predictable comments with a pinch of salt.
I think it's something that needs to be planned and frequently reviewed though. It's not a position where you just drift along hoping it will be ok.
If my children want to be SAHP then that's up to them and their future partners.

Agree and this would be on my mind too. Also the fact I did it when she was young means I could look like a massive hypocrite . Even now we chat regularly about what I did before she was born, how much I loved my job and why. We were having a sort out of old photos this week and found one of me from about 15 years ago at a work awards dinner ... it felt good to show her some "evidence" of my last life if that makes sense? --God I looked so young. Like I got lots of sleep!

But yes if she was to make similar choices to me I'd really want to be sure she'd thought it through, considered safety nets and protecting herself and have a plan for the future.

Never

[quote Nevermindgeorge]@GameSetMatch See, that would be the ideal for me too. I will likely have to return to work when she starts school, but really hope I can do it round her school hours (I’m a teacher)
In all complete honesty, if we were very wealthy, there’s no way I’d want to return to work and would want to be there for every drop off, pick up etc, but I feel some sort of shame saying that![/quote]
You should never feel shame looking after your own kids, what better chance could you give your child other than your time, at this age.
We aren't wealthy, in fact we are poor, but we made our decision that family life was more important than work, and live within our small means.
Saying that though neither of us have worked for employers, I'd hate that.
We are all different though, and you choose what fits with you and your family.

I've been a stay at home mum for 8 years now. I've really enjoyed my time at home. Youngest starts school this year. I feel a change in the air. I'm looking forward to what's to come. I don't what's coming but bring it on!

It's sometimes boring it's sometimes lots of fun. Like most parts of life.

And to the poster who said about not having any intellectual conversations... You obviously don't know any interesting or intelligent people! Being a SAHM doesn't mean you have to be stupid. Or become stupid.

I’d only be happy for my daughter to become a SAHM if she had enough money of her own (earned by her) to comfortably tide her over for the few months that it was a necessity to give up any other work. And I’d advise her during those months, to throw money at home help, lest she inadvertently get dragged into taking on the lions share of domestic chores. The absolute worst situation is to just trundle into a relationship, wind up pregnant, and end up being the SAHM parent by default because of being the lower earner. Those women rarely bounce back from the impact of those lost years of domestic drudgery ime.

I’m a SAHM for the time being to my 2.5 year old and 9 month old, I also have 3 primary school aged DC. I was a teacher for a few years and will return to that eventually but for now I’m at home because DH and I decided it was best for the DC.

Pre-covid it was honestly great. I only had my toddler and we went to at least 3 different groups a week. They were all drop in sessions so I never felt obliged to attend which was great and DS absolutely loved going. Now 2 of those groups are no longer running and the other one is pre-booked but I’m stuck on a waiting list because they were full up until at least June... Same for the other groups in our area tbh, I’ve checked lots out and added us to waiting lists because they’re all full.

So right now my life is actually pretty miserable. It tends to be a cycle of cleaning, cooking, breastfeeding, changing nappies, school run, helping DC with their homework/spellings/listening to them read/organising them in general etc. Nothing to feel particularly enthusiastic about, every day feels like constant drudgery and I’m depressed quite frankly. We were new to the area almost 3 years ago and I still don’t know anyone here. I shared the odd bit of small talk with people at the groups but never anything further and no one at the school talks to me, I think most likely because they all made their friends way before we turned up and it’s a small place so everyone knows everyone. I can’t go to groups until places free up so my only adult contact is my DH. I’m very lonely.

@Babdoc

I couldn’t wait to get back to work as a hospital doctor after six months maternity leave! It would have driven me mad to be stuck at home a minute longer. Watching everyone drive out of the village each morning on their commute, leaving a graveyard of pensioners and housewives. Stuck all day with a baby, no intelligent conversation, no challenging work, just nappies and domestic chores. Definitely not my thing.

@Babdoc

Re found the quote. I actually find bringing up children quite challenging. I'm not perfect at it and I've learned an awful lot. It's certainly not unchallenged!
Also you can intelligent conversations with lots of people in life. Not just people who have jobs.
I would be very sad to think people thought I wasn't intelligent because I chose to look after my children.

Mine are adults now but I really enjoyed being at home with them until secondary school best times of my life , it did help that money was no problem and I got a lot of help with domestic stuff from then DH

I love it and couldn't imagine doing this any other way. I don't really care that others might look down on it as I'm 100% sure it's the best start for my babies. In the future when they're grown I sure I'll look back at this as being the most precious time.

There can of course be times when it gets a bit samey but I keep myself connected to other local mums as well as getting out and about in the beach and woods, cycling with baby on bike. There's so much you can do. Forest school, crafts, teaching the little ones.

I will go back to work when my second child goes to pre school. Out of desire to buy a home as we rent now. But both me and husband are on the same page regarding the early years plans for our children.

I actually think it would be more detrimental to women to make being a sahm more difficult. There's so many studies proving that the first 2 years with mum or dad are best for a child so I think there should be more support to ensure families are able to do this if they want to.

It’s not that you’re not intelligent because you choose to be a SAHM. But it’s really really hard to enjoy an uninterrupted conversation when surrounded by small children.

I am really happy being a SAHM. I do the school run, then walk the dog for an hour. When I come home I usually do jobs round the house, prepare meals, go shopping etc. 3 days a week I do weight training. I have lunch, then do a bit of reading or more jobs or watch TV (stuff that dh doesn't like) then go get the kids at 3. Then I'm with them till they go to bed, taking them to clubs, homework, sorting tea etc. We have a caravan so on weekends we go straight after school on Fridays. DH has a non 9-5 job and can be working at weird times and weekends but it is flexible that he can do this.
It's been a godsend this last year that I had the time for the homeschooling but that's a very unusual situation I hope!! Before my youngest was in school the house wasn't as clean and we did playgroups and swimming during the day. It's not for everyone, and I might decide it would be best to get a job one day but right now it suits us all. I absolutely don't miss work it was boring as fuck

Adding to my post, for a decent amount of the day I'm quite happy without conversation apart from my 3 yr old. I understand that more sociable people probably need more outlets and groups. Definitly easier when you have close connections with other mums. I'm blessed to have 6 sisters and 3 sister in laws all who have young children and babies so I'm well aware my "village" is big

I lasted 12 weeks before my brain started to atrofy

Fortunately, my brain didn't atrophy.

All these comments just show that we’re all different with different priorities and we have to do what we want to do and what we feel is best for us.

Are you in Europe somewhere? Northern Europe hails the mother as an angel when she is a SAHM full time until early teens. Many countries heavily fund such roles too tbh (free nursery, tax reductions and payback if married with kids).

It wasn't my intention but I ended up a sahm after having postpartum psychosis when dc1 was born. I'm now six years into being a sahm (another baby/still shit mental health). I must admit I don't recognise a lot of the descriptions in this thread...I don't really do "chores", I enjoy cooking and make everyone help with the tidying/cleaning. We're out most of the day doing various things. For example when dc2 was a baby I volunteered in a charity shop with her in a sling for over a year. I sit on multiple committees including chairing one and I'm due to graduate with another degree this summer. I've also learnt to knit, improved my Russian to the point that reading my Grandfather's books seems possible and got back into running.

As for potential it depends who you ask. I have a tendency to think I'm worthless and incapable of holding down a decent job (that therapy has failed to shift). I wouldn't say I'm happy but honestly although I enjoyed my job (working with homeless families) I wasn't happy then either. When my 2 year old starts preschool, I will be looking for a job but I accept it won't be the sort that requires my level of qualifications or experience.

I went back to work full time when DT’s were six months (normal maternity leave then). My career wouldn’t have lasted with any further time off. I would have made a rubbish SAHM and didn’t know any other SAHM’s. DT’s thrived at nursery and school so happy we made the right choices for our family.