SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

[Nevermindgeorge]

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

I’m a bit of both - I work 3 evenings a week and one day at the weekend. So I’m home with my children 6 days a week; DH has them on the weekend day I work (I also work from home, and did pre Covid)

I love having the time with them while they’re little, but only because I’m still able to do something which is still in my industry, so I don’t feel I’m sacrificing my career development. I’m very lucky I can choose my hours to suit me.

It was also ridiculous with the cost of childcare. I didn’t see the point in paying for care when I knew this option of evenings was available.

I think there’s judgement whether you work or not. oh you work full time? Don’t you miss your children? How can you cope with paying someone else to raise them, I couldn’t bare it!!!

And likewise oh, you’re a stay at home mum? What do you do all day? I’d love to have the break from working! I don’t know how you can cope sacrificing your career, it’s important kids see mum working you know!!

Blah blah blah and repeat!

Personally I find working a break - I can sit in peace, drink hot tea, I love what I do. But I’m also very grateful for the day times with my kids - even the days I want to tear my hair out, it’s temporary and they’ll be in school before I know it!

Later this year there is likely the promotion coming up that I’ve been working toward for years. If I get it, it’ll go full time and DH will become a SAHP

@Shmithecat2 I agree. I even find myself doing it about myself if someone asks what I do: "oh I'm just a stay at home mum". I have internalised a lot of shame from those snidey comments and end up constantly feeling like I have to justify it.

I did it for 8 years. Had 3DC. I was losing my shit by the end, and went to Uni when my youngest was almost 2.

The pandemic has forced me back into a SAHM role whilst also trying to do a STEM degree and my MH is in fucking tatters.

Being a SAHM is not for everyone but if its for you and you can afford it then I would respect your decision! And never look down on you for it. The people I do judge slightly (perhaps unfairly but I will be honest):

• people who become SAHM because 'they'd only come away with £100/£200 a month etc after childcare' and then moan about money constantly. Work is about more than money, as long as you're not actively losing money its still worth it for career continuity/progression
• SAHP who act like childcare is cruel. It's definitely not and a normal healthy positive part of many childrens lives. Just as I don't judge for your choice don't for mine!

The only thing I would say as I work PT and meet a variety of mums at groups/parks etc on my days off is that I don't often feel I have as much in common with SAHP as I do working/working PT parents. I couldn't devote years just to my children despite adoring them as I value my own identity and career and find I tend to have more in contact with like minded parents. Sometimes I wish I could be that mother that didn't drop her kids off with relief on a Monday morning but... I'm not .

To some of the PPs on this thread, how can you be a SAHP to children of school age? Or any in childcare? Surely at that point, you're an unemployed parent?
Unemployed implies someone is actively looking for work, which I'm not.

I was a SAHM for years. Tbh I think people judge you no matter what you do. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I think women just fundamentally love to judge each other (which is very clear by some of the remarks on here!) whatever they do and wherever they work which is sad really. Some women are only happy if they can put another woman down.

I really loved being a SAHM, despite the fact that it wasn't what I'd planned. I did it for 10 years plus, though have 3 DC with quite big age gaps, so had a young child in tow for much of it.

Pros: loved the fact that I got to spend loads of time with DC and never had to panic about emergency childcare when someone was ill. My eldest has SEN and it undoubtedly benefited him hugely to have me at home all that time. I enjoyed doing lots of volunteer work that fitted around DC's school and nursery days. Had plenty of friends either doing a SAHM role or working part-time, so always plenty of socialising during the day and lots of adult company - never felt as if it was me and DC on our own.

Cons - with hindsight, I do regret giving up my professional career (but I was on the verge of a breakdown with work related stress at the time I opted to become a SAHM, so something had to give, and at the time it was the job). And I did find that as the years went on I lost confidence in myself and felt my self-esteem slipping as DC got older. I agree that people judge you more for being a SAHM as DC get older. I countered the negativity by doing as much volunteer work as I could (and would highly recommend that for anyone who's opted to be a SAHM for a longer term period of time - it can really help with then getting back into the workplace if and when you want to).

I work now (though not in my original career) and have to say I am very happy to be back working but that's not to say I didn't enjoy the SAHM years. With hindsight I think I probably should have gone back to work earlier but certainly the first 6/7 years of being a SAHM were amazing.

As has been said on this thread, you'll be judged no matter what you do, so you might as well do what makes you and your family happiest.

I'd assumed we'd eek out 12 months mat leave then I'd go back p/t or compressed hours. Then DS came out very complicated and I quit and spent the next 18 months in and out of hospital. We did lots in-between, day trips and a few holidays to the sea side.

Started to get stagnant brain when he was 3 and we were no longer constantly at appts / he started 15 hours at nursery so I started an Pu science degree.

Was going to look for term time / part time etc when I got pregnant with twins who are now 16 mo. O couldn't afford childcare right now and I wouldn't feel right putting them in whilst we still have an option after DS having a SAHP for so long. Esp as we've been limited by lockdown since they were 3 mo.

My day is
Get up with DH and together we dress and feed 3 kids and ourselves.

School run and then possibily a trip to town for chores etc.
Feed kids again and in theory put them down to nap at 11.30 (will have done little between play, nappies, drinks etc).
If they both go down I like to have some quiet time / snack etc / watch some telly but more likely I end up bringing one down and then playing with him then trying repeatedly to make him go to sleep.
DH made lunch whilst WFH but now I'll get me and whomever is awake lunch. Quick tidy up.
Kids up for 2.15 so I can get them changes and back on school run. Home by 3.30-4.
Make the kids dinner, feed them, wash, dress and play with them.
DH home at 6, he'll play with kids whilst o make sure our dinner is prepped / on.
DH takes eldest to bed at 7.15 with one twin and o take the other. They generally self soothe.
I'll come down and tidy, DH does bed for eldest. He'll help finish tidying if he's down first

I have recently become a SAHP of a reception age child. I wish I could have done it sooner but we couldn't afford it until now. I am not unemployed as I am not seeking work.

I am very happy, with an abusive family background I am finding being home and focusing on my family and my own health and wellbeing has been very healing.

SAHM to an almost 2 year old (will start a couple of sessions a week at nursery in September) and pregnant with number 2.
I do enjoy it and I’m happy but I definitely see it as temporary, if I weren’t pregnant again I’d probably look for something part time now-ish.
I wouldn’t be happy if I never worked again in my life.

I'm pretty happy being a sahm, to be honest I never liked my job before having DD and one motivation for having a family was an excuse to leave work. But I do find there's a lot of judgement so I started a small company for the sake of having another status and small talk. I'm quite lazy with running it though, it's mostly passive, and have put myself on furlough since the scheme started so I've done nothing for over a year. But most people think of me as a businesswoman now. I don't plan to get a proper job when DD starts school, but I will keep the business ticking over (if only as an excuse to get out of pta type duties). I'm not a sociable person so I don't mind not having colleagues or anything. I do need to keep mentally stimulated so I am doing an OU course (not for career reasons) and do a lot of reading in the evenings.

We're lucky that we could afford for DD to go to nursery 3 days since she was 2. I loved spending every day with her in the first 2 years - I went to every baby class going and we were always out visiting museums, theatres, parks etc. Even in lockdown we were out at parks and public gardens all the time. DD is with me 2 days and we're out most of the day (music, dance and swimming classes), and then on weekends we go out as a family with DH. I don't like staying at home with her for too long, plus we're in London so there's a lot of activities going on. I do the minimum of housework, I don't spend all day cleaning or anything.

Finances aren't a problem, fortunately I have my own assets and income and DH is a high earner, I have a pension and maxed out ISAs so I don't need to work to be financially comfortable.

I was a SAHM for many years while my DC were little. I went back to work as soon as my youngest started school.

I loved being a SAHM, but looking back I think I took a big risk. I was lucky enough to find a fulfilling job after many years out of the office (because there was an opportunity for someone with my specific combination of skills). I really love my job now, and I know many women who have struggled to find interesting work after being a SAHM so I am relieved that it worked out OK for me.

The only thing I would say as I work PT and meet a variety of mums at groups/parks etc on my days off is that I don't often feel I have as much in common with SAHP as I do working/working PT parents.

I find these kind of comments baffling. The things I have in common with my friends don't relate in any way to work.

@dotdashdashdash

The best thing about being a SAHM is by 3.30 all housework is done and I can then pay more attention to my children. Same with weekends. There is nothing to do or sort out so we can just have fun as a family.

I don't understand this. When I get home the housework is done because we haven't been in the house to mess it up. The food shop comes after the kids are in bed and the laundry is done in the morning when the kids are eating breakfast. Because the house is empty most of the time there's minimal house work and the cleaner does the bathroom/ hoovering/ dusting/ mopping. When I was at home with the kids I was constantly cleaning up from their food/ crafts/ toys and the house needed so much more cleaning.

I guess if your kids are at school then you don't get that though.

That's fantastic! It's great you can get stuff done so easily and I bet the cleaner really makes a difference.

I do see a lot of women on this forum moan about how much they suffer working and doing housework. They often reply to SAHMs with "I do all of that AND work" so I just assumed that they struggled in the evenings and weekend to get washing etc done. I forgot a lot of working families would have a cleaner! Lots of people probably have dishwashers and tumble dryer too. Which I don't have.

I know quite a few parents who drop off their kids at 8 am and pick them up at 6 pm then run around trying to do everything else.
But it sounds like you have it worked out well!

I am Sahm to my youngest. I worked part time with older two. I worked 25 hours a week once they were both in school. We have a big age gap for the youngest and I gave up work.
He’s almost three now. I will go back to work next year. Our days used to be full with various baby groups. Slowly these are opening again so have more structure. The last year I’ve been, like others, helping the older two with school work as well as dealing with the toddler.

The school run provides routine and we make sure we get out to the park a few times a week. Play outside, shop and play inside.
He will go to pre school in September too.

I don’t give a monkeys whether I am judged or not. I find when people judge over something that doesn’t harm anyone else, it’s about something going on with them. Insecurity or jealousy. I have worked all my life. Happy to take four years off before I go back to the world of work. I won’t ever go back full time though. We are lucky to be able to afford to work fewer hours.

Don’t feel ashamed of it, OP! You feel how you feel!
I love being a SAHM. I feel very lucky and privileged to be able to be at home with my children until they start school. We did have to rearrange our lives and finances somewhat in order to achieve it, but where I am there are plenty of women - and a few men - who have put careers on hold or changed careers so as not to miss out on the early years. I would do it over again in a heartbeat, as I really just enjoy the day-to-day of taking them out and about, and watching and helping them to learn and develop!

I wanted to stay home with my kids and not have them brought up by a nursery or nanny, but I also wanted to work and contribute financially towards the family, use my brain and achieve something for myself, plus have the freedom of having my own money. So I decided to be a wahm instead of a sahm. I loved being home with my kids but I also love having my own business and having the freedom to work around my kids. It's harder, longer hours, and can be difficult to balance everything, but it's absolutely worth it. My mum was a sahm as well but was always doing some freelance work on the side.

YANBU OP.

I get the impression that people think I’m a bit stupid or incapable because I stay at home with my DC. They don’t know that before I had them I was earning over £100k at a job in the city and have saved enough to see me through until they start school.

I get constant comments off other parents along the lines of “what do you do with all your spare time” (I have a toddler = no “spare” time) or “your house must be immaculate” (See previous point about said toddler) or - my favourite - “don’t you find your brain turns to mush at home”. Urgh. I spend time with my child. We play together. We learn. We read. In normal times we leave the house and go out... shock horror we don’t spend all day at home.

I chalk it up to people trying to feel more at peace with their own decisions.

I really don't think it's a big deal either way. It's all personal preference and circumstances. I wouldn't look down on a sahm but neither do I look up to them...it is what it is. I love my job so there's no way I would stay home...and I could if I wanted to.

In my day to day life, I love being a sahm and I think I have a fantastic quality of life. We have a ds with asd and everything about our family life would be harder if I worked outside the home.

I have a great relationship with dh, but there is an imbalance at the heart of it because it would be very difficult for me to leave. Even though we have a good relationship and I’m not planning to leave, that has an affect in small ways. And even though we have agreed on equal financial access when we disagree on a financial matter I’m more likely to concede because I don’t feel equally entitled.

Outside of our home there’s a lot of negativity about my choices from family, friends, acquaintances, blind strangers and ransoms on the internet. And that is probably the biggest sense of dissatisfaction for me. There is precisely zero respect for the role. And other women dismiss you as not worth knowing, and other sahms are often too busy with caring and volunteering work to socialise regularly.

I wouldn’t encourage other women to sah, and I’d strongly advise women to get their financial security locked down if they do. Mind you I read about women paying half of the household costs while earning a fraction of their dh/dp’s wages, or surviving maternity leave on their savings while their dh/dp is building up his own fat pension and climbing the career ladder. So I think lessons on establishing financial equity are needed by all, not just sahps.

I don’t know if I’d make the same decisions again. On a domestic level it’s been good but on a social level it’s not. But then I think about ds and I’m not sure I would choose the alternative either.

I am and I love it. it works perfectly for our family. I never had a career, just worked to pay the bills. Some women do look down on me, but their opinions is worth nothing so I just shrug and that's that .

On the ‘looked down upon’ front. I think that’s either down to the fact that we are pushing so hard for equality that being a SAHM takes it away a little bit.. or at least is seen that way. The women stays home, cooks cleans and looks after the kids. It’s a bit of an old fashioned thing.

I tried; the idea of staying home with DD was nice. However I’ve always worked full time and it was alien to me not to work. So I went back full time when DD was 10 months old.

It wouldn’t be worth putting her into nursery on a part time income so full time is better for us. She’s thriving at nursery and we don’t have to budget anymore- works for us!

I also think people look down on SAHM because some automatically assume your claiming benefits/living off everyone’s tax. Which isn’t always the case but I do know of a few ladies my age who boast about their free childcare and how their partners have cut their working hours too so they can claim more from the gov. That annoys me but a general SAHM doesn’t.

I’d strongly advise women to get their financial security locked down if they do. Mind you I read about women paying half of the household costs while earning a fraction of their dh/dp’s wages, or surviving maternity leave on their savings while their dh/dp is building up his own fat pension and climbing the career ladder. So I think lessons on establishing financial equity are needed by all, not just sahps

This.

@Kottbullar

The only thing I would say as I work PT and meet a variety of mums at groups/parks etc on my days off is that I don't often feel I have as much in common with SAHP as I do working/working PT parents.

I find these kind of comments baffling. The things I have in common with my friends don't relate in any way to work.

To be fair @Kottbullar a lot of my best friends I met on my course at university so one of our main common interests is our career so perhaps that is a bit different. I don't mean that I talk to any new mum at the park about work (I'm not bonkers!) just that I feel I gravitate more towards people with a similar outlook and work/family balance is often part of that. I generally preferred the mum and baby groups that were more like chatting with the babies playing together than gazing into my babies eyes singing 'say hello to the sun' and find I bond with mums with a similar outlook and all of my best 'mum friend' work.

I’m a SAHM to 3 DCs, youngest 3. I had a very good job earning more than my DH, I went back part time after DC1 and loved it as I had what I felt was the best of both worlds, 3 days in the office and a half day wfh. Then the rest of my time I was able to take dc to groups, the park, have lots of cuddles during the day. Unfortunately I was made redundant 2 weeks before DC2 was due and there was no way I could earn as much in another job unless I moved cities (I relocated during my first pregnancy through work to a city with less earnings potential in general). So we decided I’d become a sahm. At the same time we moved back to the UK. I definitely couldn’t earn as much in the uk in my field as I never got a degree, apparently that makes me less capable somehow, even though I had over 20years working experience, so I’ve not considered going back to work. I may if we move back overseas.

I agree that sahm’s definitely get looked down in here more. I got so much grief from my family, they perceive sahm’s as lazy and having nothing to do all day.

The best part for me is the little things, being able to lie in bed during the day and cuddle my DCs at nap time, sadly those days are gone. Picking DCs up from school on a sunny day and taking them to the park, or driving to the beach, we only live 15 mins from the coast. Being able to take them to activities (pre-covid). Attending sports days, school assemblies every week, not panicking how I’m going to manage work when a call comes from the school saying one of them is sick. The same with medical appointments with 2 DCs having regularly dr & hospital appointments I would struggle if I worked to keep up with those.

@EasterEggBelly

YANBU OP.

I get the impression that people think I’m a bit stupid or incapable because I stay at home with my DC. They don’t know that before I had them I was earning over £100k at a job in the city and have saved enough to see me through until they start school.

I get constant comments off other parents along the lines of “what do you do with all your spare time” (I have a toddler = no “spare” time) or “your house must be immaculate” (See previous point about said toddler) or - my favourite - “don’t you find your brain turns to mush at home”. Urgh. I spend time with my child. We play together. We learn. We read. In normal times we leave the house and go out... shock horror we don’t spend all day at home.

I chalk it up to people trying to feel more at peace with their own decisions.

Totally agree with this, and will add that some people seem to think that sahm = the same situation, choices and decisions on what they do with their time, for all I know sahm's who have never spent time shopping and coffee out with friends, going to the gym, toddler/ baby groups. etc. Also, for most it isn't just housework and kids, it's having hobbies, interests and time for yourself, which is good for a work/life balance. The freedom it affords is immense, but a lot of people would be bored as they like their time dictated to them by an employer, or trying to fit a job, family time, partner/ relationship time, own time, and domestics. I'd have hated to have worked and had to come home and start again.