SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

[Nevermindgeorge]

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

@YouJustDoYou I'm glad you've found peace

Nobody should ever tell their children that they have made sacrifices for them. The word 'sacrifice' implies some sort of hardship. Children do not ask you to make any sacrifices, if you go without in order to make better lives for them (which many parents do), it is your choice.

I grew up hearing from my mother about sacrifices she and my father had made for me and how I should be grateful, or that I was ungrateful.

Devlesko: Anyone who finds caring for their own children as dull and unintellectually stimulating shouldn't have had kids.
.............
Did you never find it tedious and long to do something more stimulating, to be with adult people who had interests other than children, to be regarded as a person in your own right, not just X & X's mother?

I'm an NHS professional and had 3 DC under 4. It was just impossible to pay for nursery care for all 3 so we made drastic cut backs and I had a 6 year career break.
I wasn't expecting to enjoy it quite so much as I did but I loved those years. For me it was utter bliss to wake up morning after morning and have nothing to stress over. No commute, no deadlines.
Without a doubt it was the happiest time of my life but financially we are still not back to where we were. Eg was band 7 when I left and have been band 6 since returning and my pension took a hit.
However, I would quit to be a foster carer if I could but all our bedrooms are occupied.

@Maggiesfarm

Nobody should ever tell their children that they have made sacrifices for them. The word 'sacrifice' implies some sort of hardship. Children do not ask you to make any sacrifices, if you go without in order to make better lives for them (which many parents do), it is your choice.

I grew up hearing from my mother about sacrifices she and my father had made for me and how I should be grateful, or that I was ungrateful.

Ouch, this hit a nerve. My parents also called me ungrateful because of the sacrifices they had made for me. Except those sacrifices were 100% their choice.

I was two when I was sent to private nursery and five when I was sent to private school. Obviously it was their choice. I had no idea. How could I? To me it was just school. My mother tells me I'm ungrateful for her having to get up at 6am for 13 years because my school was 90 minutes away. They chose where to live, they chose my school. I also had to get up at fuck off o'clock and get home at gone dark o'clock for thirteen years. I had no say in the matter.

@serin

I'm an NHS professional and had 3 DC under 4. It was just impossible to pay for nursery care for all 3 so we made drastic cut backs and I had a 6 year career break. I wasn't expecting to enjoy it quite so much as I did but I loved those years. For me it was utter bliss to wake up morning after morning and have nothing to stress over. No commute, no deadlines. Without a doubt it was the happiest time of my life but financially we are still not back to where we were. Eg was band 7 when I left and have been band 6 since returning and my pension took a hit. However, I would quit to be a foster carer if I could but all our bedrooms are occupied.

Its interesting but all those saying they loved being at home are saying the best bit was no work/ work stress . I was in a similar situation but shit work made it possible to carry on and both of us have a similar balance between work and home.

Shift work
The work wasnt shit

[quote HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst]@templetreebalm

I'm laughing (wryly) at the comments being made about how it's boring/dull/repeptitive/unstimulating etc etc

The implication again and again that if you are happy to settle for being a SAHM then you obviously don't require intellectual stimulation.[/quote]
Ok?

Why does one persons comment that they need more a intellectually stimulating environment relate to you though.
Its not aimed at anyone other than the person making the statement about themselves.
When mine were little I was so sleep deprived I forgot one of their names when asked 🤣
Once they were older I wanted to go back to work for my career and the intellectual stimulation as being at home with 3 DC didnt provide that in the same way that my work did.
Seriously Im baffled as to why this is deemed "wrong"
I love them to bits, was hands on, interested in their learning and development and was a good mother ( so Im told) but my work is different to that.

PerspicaciousGreen:
From that, I'm sure we learned not to put the obligation of 'gratitude' on to our children. It is such a flipping burden, isn't it?

I'm not saying my mum wasn't good in some ways of course because she was but the implication of what she sacrificed was always there and, frankly, I didn't see her go without anything.

Templetreebalm: Once they were older I wanted to go back to work for my career and the intellectual stimulation as being at home with 3 DC didnt provide that in the same way that my work did.
Seriously Im baffled as to why this is deemed "wrong"
I love them to bits, was hands on, interested in their learning and development and was a good mother ( so Im told) but my work is different to that.
......
I know exactly what you mean. I was fulfilled in a completely different way at work (which I found very interesting) and, though I worked with other people who had children, we had topics of conversation other than our kids and were not bogged down in trivia.

didn't say it's wrong to WOHM, where are you getting that from?
Read the charming comments from Devlesko
Yes I agree its a discussion forum but its taking one persons comments as aimed at you personally when its about themselves.
Thats half the problem really.

Why does one persons comment that they need more a intellectually stimulating environment relate to you though.

For me, it's the implication that it has to be got through paid employment when if people want intellectual stimulation there are lots of ways to get it. I'm a sahm. I graduate this summer with another degree. I joined 2 book clubs, one in another language to my mother tongue, I'm learning another language and I do a lot of voluntary work in fields very similar to those I used to work in. I spend close if not more of the hours I would be spending at work across a week, doing those things.

@Templetreebalm

didn't say it's wrong to WOHM, where are you getting that from? Read the charming comments from Devlesko Yes I agree its a discussion forum but its taking one persons comments as aimed at you personally when its about themselves. Thats half the problem really.

Charming comments I've done many things in my life that haven't been dull or lacking intellectually stimulation, without my dc, but I think it's awful for a parent to say raising their kids is dull and unitellectually stimulating.

I'm a SAHM as DH works long hours so couldn't commit to helping at home, if I worked I'd have to do everything at home and have a job.

I have money to use as I please, I have time to do my hobby (horses), I've studied for qualifications.

It's not easy but I do get to be my own boss.

From a point of a non British person who now lives in the UK I had never heard of SAHP! I'm from a Scandi country were it wasnt something I knew any of my friends parents doing. A think a combination is that society is set up around family life, so long well paid parental leave, flexible working hours and cheap childcare. Also theres a culture of pride in working and contribution to society by doing your job and paying taxes (that goes to free hospital, health care, education etc).

I have to admit that I didnt get SAHMP. But that is because I grew up with a different experience and I definitely get it in the UK as childcare is so expensive, parental leave is not the best and working hours are often not compatible with having children.

I chose to go back to work full time but found it very hard. I've dropped one day and compressed my hours which has helped massively and also really greatly for flexible hours in my job and my childs wonderful nursery.

All in all, do what suits you and your family within what you can afford.

I couldn't be a SAHP purely because I couldn't be financially dependent on someone else, and I am not independently wealthy enough to give up work. I don't really care what decisions other people make

@Overthebow

In my circles it’s only looked down upon if you choose to be a SAHM and have to rely on state benefits to do so, as then the state is funding a lifestyle choice. I don’t know anyone who looks down on people who choose to be a SAHM that can afford it. It’s a great opportunity to be around for your children if you can.

If they are able to rely on state benefits then then means...

They have a very low earning partner OR
They are a single parent
AND
They have a pre school child

Otherwise they wouldn’t be permitted to rely on state benefit

@saturning Totally undertand where you're coming from, don't let this feeling of worry about work etc take over though, my mum did this for years and totally talked herself out of going back to work and now I look bk it was just what she needed but the fear took over, you don't have to set the world on fire
Career wise but a little job be it part time intially or admin support or anything to start off with will give you a boost and just take it step by step, you will find something just don't let that doubting Tom take over, you may also make some friends and really come to enjoy once you find the right one too x x x

I spent 3 years as a SAHM. Loved aspects of it especially when she went to school. Chilling at home, meeting friends for lunch, playing sport, wandering around the shops, tidying my house. Enjoyed all the freedom.
However I returned to work some years ago and love that too. I did struggle with identity as a SAHM but I think that was because so much of my identity is career related, as sad as that might be.

I loved being a SAHM, it was something I knew I wanted before children, so it was a mutual decision with DH that we talked about before I became pregnant.

The few years I took out seem tiny considering we work for decades of our lives. No regrets, I'd make the same choice again.

Such an interesting thread. I think it’s great that women can discuss these things with a wider audience and get different perspectives.
I had two daughters young (20 &26) and never really got a career off the ground. I knew I wanted a little family and was ( usually) very happy being the main care giver. I did start working part -time when 1st daughter was 2.5 yrs and then pretty much all the way through until youngest was at High school and I went full time. I worked part time to help with the family finances and feel a bit independent. The worst thing anyone ever said to me-I was at an evening do at my husbands work, all dressed up, enjoying being out and a woman next to me asked what I did? I proudly told her I had a gorgeous 15th old daughter who kept me very busy-she looked me up and down and with a withering look asked me ‘what else I did?’. Tbh I was pretty crushed at the time-so much for the sisterhood! Now I am a nana to a darling 9 month old grand daughter and my daughter has 12mths mat leave-when asked should she go back full time, I have said work or don’t work but whatever you do -do it willingly and understand the sacrifices either way. Because there are sacrifices BOTH ways. Also-I think employers need to be more flexible with hours. It’s very hard wrapping child rearing around a patriarchal 9-5 system. I found it very hard to find well paid, stimulating part time work and usually had to work below my abilities. I also went to college/trained as they got older. But I just bided my time until the children went to high school. I’m now 56 and going back to a full time career I started in my 40’s after 4 years part time to get me through the hideous menopause years! I was always fascinated when I met new mothers who worked, in my experience they usually had a very good support system ( grandparents nearby etc) which I didn’t have and now don’t live near my daughter either. I just wish we could all be a bit more supportive of each other and less judgemental of choices.

I just don’t understand why it’s so looked down on, especially in the U.K.? Isn’t it an amazing thing for a child to be with its mother?

It isn't, when children aren't school aged. But thats only a short period, most people have two children, if they are 2 or 3 years apart, its only 7 or 8 years out if a working life 45 years long.

So most people don't want to do it because those 7 or 8 years out tend to badly damage your career, wonen are often left working for low pay with little financial security.

It is looked down on when people give up entirely and become a housewife for 20+ years, because unless you have disabilities or children with sen/disabilities who require different things, it can be quite a lazy choice as the work to do at home takes considerably less time than the time available when children are at school.

I took a career break after having my second child so was a SAHM for a couple of years. I had a small amount of inheritance that allowed me to do this, though the plan was always to go back to work.
I don't regret it although looking back I actually was quite depressed and questioned my choices. I really wanted to be a SAHM with our first and then had to go back post mat leave, so this was my attempt to be SAHM to two of them - except the ship had sailed a bit with my eldest and I found it harder and more boring than I'd thought it would be.

Glad that I had options at the end of it and my son actually went into a childcare setting 3 days a week from aged almost 3, and I returned to work. I wish I'd had the option of extended mat leave or career break with my first as it felt like about the right amount of time for them, and for me. I'm glad it wasn't a permanent arrangement looking back and that I had options in career terms and could pick it up again.

Oops sorry zombie thread