SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

[Nevermindgeorge]

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

@SleepingStandingUp

My son went to preschool from 2.6yo. Being a SAHM doesn't mean your child is home with you and only you the whole time confused according to posts on here I do home you didn't do anything remotely relaxing or fun during those hours. Scrubbing floors with a wire brush or the loo with your bare hands is the only acceptable activity for SAHPs with kids on childcare

Yes, absolutely, heaven forefend you should do something intellectually stimulating like reading higher level books or taking a course or taking up a complex hobby.

When I have a non sleeping baby my brain dribbles out of my ears but once I get a full night's sleep I regain the brain and curiosity that got an Oxbridge degree. They don't surgically remove IQ points on the labour ward!

I do somewhat judge SAHPs with school age children as wraparound care is much cheaper than nurseries, and barring perhaps parents of kids with SEN or health issues, there's no way housework and life admin fills the 25-30 hours a week children are at school. I guess at that point I would consider it a somewhat lazy choice and quite unfair on the parent wohm to bear all the financial responsibility.

I think you mistake your judgement, for envy. Why do you care how sahps of school aged children spend their time?

It's literally just envy! It's got to be.

I'm very much enjoying my day: currently laid out on the sofa, watching shite tv in between chores while my child is at nursery (he does 2 short days a week). I'll put an oven pizza in the oven shortly for my lunch.

Call me lazy if you like, but I'll assume you're just very envious.

You see, I wouldn't ever think badly of a woman who chose to be a SAHM. I wouldn't judge them to be lazy or lacking in intelligence like some on here have said they've been accused of.

I do think quite poorly of someone whose default argument is "YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS."
Because that is a lazy argument. It's not unreasonable to point out that, if your children are in school half the day or at nursery then you, not working, have far more leisure time than your partner. Great if you're both happy with that- and I assume you are if you're still doing it- but it isn't envy to acknowledge it.

It's sad that these threads always turn into defensive sniping and mudslinging. Families are all different and each one will look at the options that are available to them and make the choice that they feel is best. You can judge them for it all that you want, I suppose, but it comes across as mean and petty.

I probably won't go back to work as soon as my youngest starts school. There would still be school holidays and sick days to cover, plus the fact that school here finishes at 2pm, which probably means negotiating weird shifts or taking a lot of work home with me, or my DH having to drop to part time, which would drastically decrease our household income. It all sounds very complicated and stressful and, frankly, I can't be bothered with it. I will go back to work either when I feel that the time is right, or if my financial situation suddenly changes and I desperately need the money.

I'm not going to make a long list of gruelling tasks that I complete every day as a SAHM. It is hard work, of course, but sometimes it's fun. Some days my kids are both in a great mood and we have no errands to run, so we end up spending the day playing on the beach or in the garden, or watching films and baking cakes. Those days aren't hard work at all. I make no apology for that. I'm happy. It is ok for life to not always be a miserable slog.

@owlpicture

I do somewhat judge SAHPs with school age children as wraparound care is much cheaper than nurseries, and barring perhaps parents of kids with SEN or health issues, there's no way housework and life admin fills the 25-30 hours a week children are at school. I guess at that point I would consider it a somewhat lazy choice and quite unfair on the parent wohm to bear all the financial responsibility.

I think you mistake your judgement, for envy. Why do you care how sahps of school aged children spend their time?

It's literally just envy! It's got to be.

I'm very much enjoying my day: currently laid out on the sofa, watching shite tv in between chores while my child is at nursery (he does 2 short days a week). I'll put an oven pizza in the oven shortly for my lunch.

Call me lazy if you like, but I'll assume you're just very envious.

I don't actually judge anyone for SAH when their kids are in school. If that's what they want to do, their partner is happy with it and they can afford to do so, fair play to them. It is nobody else's business, and I hope that they enjoy it.

I wouldn't personally envy that lifestyle, though. Thanks to covid, I am not working at the moment, and my conclusion is that it definitely would not suit me to SAH for a long period.

@LegoPoliceman

You see, I wouldn't ever think badly of a woman who chose to be a SAHM. I wouldn't judge them to be lazy or lacking in intelligence like some on here have said they've been accused of.

I do think quite poorly of someone whose default argument is "YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS."
Because that is a lazy argument. It's not unreasonable to point out that, if your children are in school half the day or at nursery then you, not working, have far more leisure time than your partner. Great if you're both happy with that- and I assume you are if you're still doing it- but it isn't envy to acknowledge it.

But it wasn't referred to as 'leisure time', we were called lazy. Bit different, and a bit of an insult too.

@LegoPoliceman

You see, I wouldn't ever think badly of a woman who chose to be a SAHM. I wouldn't judge them to be lazy or lacking in intelligence like some on here have said they've been accused of.

I do think quite poorly of someone whose default argument is "YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS."
Because that is a lazy argument. It's not unreasonable to point out that, if your children are in school half the day or at nursery then you, not working, have far more leisure time than your partner. Great if you're both happy with that- and I assume you are if you're still doing it- but it isn't envy to acknowledge it.

My point is, why do some people care how much leisure time I have? Why do people judge me for it? Literal strangers are judging sahps for staying at home once their children are school aged. What's the motivation for the judgement considering it doesn't affect them at all.

I wouldn't personally envy that lifestyle,

What lifestyle? Most of my days are pretty different

My point is, why do some people care how much leisure time I have? Why do people judge me for it? Literal strangers are judging sahps for staying at home once their children are school aged. What's the motivation for the judgement considering it doesn't affect them at all.

I actually agree with this. I genuinely don't care how much leisure time you have. There is no particular virtue in being "busy". If you're happy with your set-up, then I'm happy for you. It doesn't affect my life in the slightest, so why should I care?

I do find it slightly ironic when SAHPs bang on about WOHPs outsourcing the parenting of their children to other people but then send their children to nursery, school or whatever. Apparently, the few hours that my dc spent with her nanny each week were somehow qualitatively different from the few hours that your dc spend in nursery. But whatever...

I was an accountant previous to having my DS's (3 years and 10 months). We also plan another one or two, so no chance I'm going back anytime soon.

I love it, and we are happy for me never to return back to work, but the option is there if I needed to.

I spend my days looking after my family, cooking, cleaning etc, as well as finding some time for myself. This obviously suits some women more then others, each to their own.

I wouldn't change it for the world. My mother was a SAHM and now her children have fledge the nest, she's a housewife, and my parents are quite content with their own little bubble. Again, some people wouldn't like it, but they thrive in it.

Some people wish they were SAHM because they resent having to return to work.
Some SAHM only wish they could return to work, but can't due to say care issues or childcare costs.
Some working mum's love it, earning the extra money. Some SAHM love it, providing at home. Either way, whatever mum you are,there is sacrifices made, so give each other a break, being a mother is hard enough already..

I don't really think anyone has a say on how someone else lives their lives. What works for one family, may not work for another.

I've only ever commented on the kids that do 40-50 hours of nursery every week. I personally think that's too much.

Also, my child is now at the age where the government actually recommend nursery time, hence he's started recently. But he's been at home full time for three years.

@owlpicture

I wouldn't personally envy that lifestyle,

What lifestyle? Most of my days are pretty different

Not commenting on your lifestyle in particular, as it sounds like you have pre school dc at home most days, and are not therefore sat on the sofa watching TV between chores most of the time.

I'm just saying that I wouldn't aspire to have the kind of lifestyle where I had as much leisure time as a SAHP with kids in school. Some people are no doubt incredibly driven and self motivated, and probably make great use of their freedom doing hobbies, seeing friends, educating themselves or volunteering in the community etc. I just know that, for me personally, I function much better and achieve much more with a little more structure. It would not be good for my mental health to have too much leisure time over an extended period, but that is not at all a judgement on those who are able to enjoy it.

@owlpicture

I do somewhat judge SAHPs with school age children as wraparound care is much cheaper than nurseries, and barring perhaps parents of kids with SEN or health issues, there's no way housework and life admin fills the 25-30 hours a week children are at school. I guess at that point I would consider it a somewhat lazy choice and quite unfair on the parent wohm to bear all the financial responsibility.

I think you mistake your judgement, for envy. Why do you care how sahps of school aged children spend their time?

It's literally just envy! It's got to be.

I'm very much enjoying my day: currently laid out on the sofa, watching shite tv in between chores while my child is at nursery (he does 2 short days a week). I'll put an oven pizza in the oven shortly for my lunch.

Call me lazy if you like, but I'll assume you're just very envious.

That is a fairly baseless assumption many would loathe lying around watching daytime TV.

Personally I’ve always wanted the opportunity to go back to old career but not necessarily to have stuck with it over last couple of decades.

I’ve switched in and out of stuff at will which I do like. There is a downside in that I’d be higher up if I hadn’t but I’m fine with that.

I agree, the last year of being a SAHM has been an entirely different experience.

Yes - I'm a Dr and DH is office based, so the pandemic has meant the lions share of childcare has fallen on him. We had school/ nursery places but tried only to use them when absolutely necessary (2 days a week). I actually found I enjoyed parenting MORE during the pandemic. Doing less, really is more for us- not having to go out, not being around other people or kids, being able to potter in the house and the kids getting used to entertaining themselves has really helped both DH and I and we've both said that there are real elements of the pandemic that we have benefitted from (I work in a hospital, so I've also seen some genuine horrors). The DC have also enjoyed and responded well to the last year and I has also meant that DC2 didn't go to nursery full time until she was a couple of weeks off 2, even then I think she only did 3 full weeks.

just saying that I wouldn't aspire to have the kind of lifestyle where I had as much leisure time as a SAHP with kids in school. Some people are no doubt incredibly driven and self motivated, and probably make great use of their freedom doing hobbies, seeing friends, educating themselves or volunteering in the community etc. I just know that, for me personally, I function much better and achieve much more with a little more structure. It would not be good for my mental health to have too much leisure time over an extended period, but that is not at all a judgement on those who are able to enjoy it

I can really relate to this and thats why some people like WOH/ structure and some dont.
I love going to work and was eager to go back after 3 x 14 month ML/ AL included.
I felt ready and DH and I both parented our DC due to shifts which gave us flexibility.

As for the way these threads go there are usually fairly well balanced opinions and then the odd poster with extreme views who only knows miserable brain dead SAHM or evil neglectful handbag buying WOHM and it all goes tits up.
Disclaimer I dont agree with either of the views above .

Whether someone WOH or SAH is not in any way related to how good a parent they are.
Its nonsense to suggest otherwise.

That is a fairly baseless assumption many would loathe lying around watching daytime TV.

I'm not watching 'daytime tv'. And everyone likes a rest now and again.

I was a SAHM for 7 years, people look down on SAHMs particularly other women, but if I could I would rather have stayed as a SAHM. I don't see how balance is possible working and doing everything else.

Yes, absolutely, heaven forefend you should do something intellectually stimulating like reading higher level books or taking a course or taking up a complex hobby

When I have a non sleeping baby my brain dribbles out of my ears but once I get a full night's sleep I regain the brain and curiosity that got an Oxbridge degree. They don't surgically remove IQ points on the labour ward!

Apparently all the ‘super intelligent posters’ think that is the case.

I only read the first page before jumping to the end because I couldn’t face it after seeing a particularly sneering comment about a graveyard of pensioners and SAHM. That level of ignorance is depressing.

I would love to spend time with pensioners, also SAHM, many are highly qualified and ditched the job.

I couldn’t care less what other people do (I work) but it’s laughable that some posters think that they are so intellectually exciting because they do a bit of book keeping or staff an insurance claim line 9-5.

I do think it’s jealousy actually, same as the faux financial concern for random strangers on the internet if they get divorced.

@owlpicture

That is a fairly baseless assumption many would loathe lying around watching daytime TV.

I'm not watching 'daytime tv'. And everyone likes a rest now and again.

Shite TV in the daytime if you need the distinction.

It’s the same point though not everyone is envious of that, I’d find that depressing

I’ve never understood the suggestion that posts are driven by envy.
I’ve never ever envied my SAHM acquaintances. I did that for a bit. Quite enjoyed myself but enjoyed myself much more with family life and a career.
Some folk like a bit of everything. Most men do of course.

think it’s jealousy actually, same as the faux financial concern for random strangers on the internet if they get divorced

Its really not jealousy, my MH nosedived when I was SAH.
I love WOH and have an interesting job not " a bit of book keeping"
Why is it always a miserable non interesting job when women have a job/ career and a marvellous interesting job when its the DH ?
The subject of financial inequality is relevent on a parenting website.
Not sure why you think its a faux concern?

Temple quite.
It’s amazing how so many SAHMs have husbands with amazing careers, and who can manage to be amazing dads and have said amazing careers.
Must be their amazing bollocks that do it.

But women. Well we book keep and dream of not working. We can’t possibly have great jobs or manage to enjoy a career and family life - like the menfolk.

I do somewhat judge SAHPs with school age children as wraparound care is much cheaper than nurseries, and barring perhaps parents of kids with SEN or health issues, there's no way housework and life admin fills the 25-30 hours a week children are at school. I guess at that point I would consider it a somewhat lazy choice and quite unfair on the parent wohm to bear all the financial responsibility.

I take it you are just lazy when you aren't at work then
Gosh life would be boring if all sahp's only had housework and admin to look forward to everyday.
Hobbies and interests take up most of my time as I have a decent dh who has never left it all to me, he does at least 50% of the domestic stuff.
As for unfair, do you really think couples don't agree together to have a sahp?
Mine loves me being at home, we spend a lot of time together, sometimes have a duvet day together if nothing planned.
Life is for living whether you woh or sah.
"Enjoy yourselves, it's later than you think".