SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

[Nevermindgeorge]

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

Have been reading this thread with interest (no children personally yet but am curious about potential future decisions so thanks for all the insight.) Herefore not chiming in on my opinion of preference (as apparently its irrelevant)

However, OP, think it is a bit rich to keep saying how SAHM is so looked down upon whilst also constantly crowing about how fantastic it is for a child, how much better it is surely for them to be with their mother in the day etc...tbh you sound a bit judgey of working mums and I can see how they might take it that way as everyone is always more sensitive to criticism of their own situation. Maybe try toning down your judgement that your way is the right way, and you'll get the same courtesy back

I’ve never had a bookkeeping or insurance claim line job - don’t know much about either. I like my career as a corporate finance M&A specialist. It’s the norm to return to full time work as the training was long (and difficult) and it moves on very quickly so a long maternity leave wouldn’t work well. DH is a doctor and supportive of my career and takes joint responsibility for DT’s and the home.

It's depressing how these threads always go the same way.

WOHPs rueing the financial vulnerability of SAHPs with a distinct undertone that the SAHP was either too stupid or naive to have made an informed choice about undertaking the role. Rumblings of SAHPs being bad role models or feminists without any questioning of why our capitalist society functions in such a way that even taking a few years out of a previously successful career has to be so fatal to someone's career and how someone can undertake a role of immense value without being financially renumerated (hint: women didn't make up the rules). Suspicion that SAHPs are non-ambitious and more easily fulfilled than their WOHP counterparts.

WOHPs and SAHPs are not different species nor do they need to be pitted against each other. You will find a bunch of intelligent and driven people doing both roles and also some lazy and unmotivated people. You may plan on being a WOHP/SAHP for life and circumstances intervene to push you into the other category. It won't fundamentally change who you are or give you more moral worth.

@HelloMissus

Temple quite. It’s amazing how so many SAHMs have husbands with amazing careers, and who can manage to be amazing dads and have said amazing careers. Must be their amazing bollocks that do it.

But women. Well we book keep and dream of not working. We can’t possibly have great jobs or manage to enjoy a career and family life - like the menfolk.

Yep Billy Bigballs is always doing an amazing job. If a woman dares to do the same job shes a terrible parent by default

@Templetreebalm

think it’s jealousy actually, same as the faux financial concern for random strangers on the internet if they get divorced

Its really not jealousy, my MH nosedived when I was SAH.
I love WOH and have an interesting job not " a bit of book keeping"
Why is it always a miserable non interesting job when women have a job/ career and a marvellous interesting job when its the DH ?
The subject of financial inequality is relevent on a parenting website.
Not sure why you think its a faux concern?

It absolutely is a faux concern which is used to belittle people who judge someone who does something different to them. It makes them feel better.

Your mental health nosedived, therefore you feel justified in assuming that it would be the same for others.

My point about the book keeping is that unlike the fantasy world of many on here, not everyone is a high flying Dr or lawyer. It’s just another way to make some feel bad about making a choice you don’t agree with.

If you are secure I your voices then you don’t call other mothers brain dead or lazy.

*and judge someone, not who

Excuse typos, my phone keyboard keeps sticking

WOHPs rueing the financial vulnerability of SAHPs with a distinct undertone that the SAHP was either too stupid or naive to have made an informed choice about undertaking the role. Rumblings of SAHPs being bad role models or feminists without any questioning of why our capitalist society functions in such a way that even taking a few years out of a previously successful career has to be so fatal to someone's career and how someone can undertake a role of immense value without being financially renumerated (hint: women didn't make up the rules). Suspicion that SAHPs are non-ambitious and more easily fulfilled than their WOHP counterparts

This exactly, the patronising of other women, awful.

*Parker231

I’ve never had a bookkeeping or insurance claim line job - don’t know much about either. I like my career as a corporate finance M&A specialist. It’s the norm to return to full time work as the training was long (and difficult) and it moves on very quickly so a long maternity leave wouldn’t work well. DH is a doctor and supportive of my career and takes joint responsibility for DT’s and the home

Not really sure how your boasting is relevant to what I was saying? Trying to make other women feel bad is exactly the point I was making.

I don’t care what you do and even less what your husband does. I was highlighting that these kind of posts are exactly designed to make other people feel inadequate because basic statistics will demonstrate that most men and women are not high earning, high fliers and if they want to give up their job for a while, that’s ok.

@Spiderplants

Yes, absolutely, heaven forefend you should do something intellectually stimulating like reading higher level books or taking a course or taking up a complex hobby

When I have a non sleeping baby my brain dribbles out of my ears but once I get a full night's sleep I regain the brain and curiosity that got an Oxbridge degree. They don't surgically remove IQ points on the labour ward!

Apparently all the ‘super intelligent posters’ think that is the case.

I only read the first page before jumping to the end because I couldn’t face it after seeing a particularly sneering comment about a graveyard of pensioners and SAHM. That level of ignorance is depressing.

I would love to spend time with pensioners, also SAHM, many are highly qualified and ditched the job.

I couldn’t care less what other people do (I work) but it’s laughable that some posters think that they are so intellectually exciting because they do a bit of book keeping or staff an insurance claim line 9-5.

I do think it’s jealousy actually, same as the faux financial concern for random strangers on the internet if they get divorced.

I never liked having "a job" - that's why I was self-employed even when I was working! Always liked arranging my own time and just getting the job done.

Ultimately it's the Protestant work ethic that annoys me. That if you're not earning money or at the very least "being productive" then you're worthless. That genuinely is something I hear/read a lot and I think it's wrong from a moralistic perspective and damaging from a MH perspective. But it really does seem to be modern British culture that you must be working working working all the time. Not unique to the SAHP/WOHP thing, but it really grinds my gears.

People like what they like. Some people like external structure, I like to arrange my own time. Some people like to feel they are progressing and achieving, I like pottering around in a more organic way. Some people would rather chew their own hands off than knit their own cardigans, I love handicrafts and seeing something physically come together. But I don't think buying wool and knitting it up is morally superior to buying a ready-made cardigan, and some people really do seem to think that working for money is morally superior to doing a bit of gardening.

No boasting- just responding to the comment that those of us who work aren’t all doing bookkeeping or insurance claims jobs. Why is ok for fathers to have careers but not mothers?

I’ve not criticised anyone for being a SAHP - I assume they can work out the finances for their family without an internet site commenting. I would have been a rubbish SAHM so happy with the choice I made. As DT’s are now 21 I can see it worked well for us. DT’s are just starting their careers so who knows what they will do in the future when they have a family. We will support them in whatever they decide

I considered being a sahm briefly but only because my job at the time wouldn't let me go back with reduced hours. I ended up in a different career but more flexible regarding hours. I knew that being a 100% sahm was definitely not for me.
I like my independence, being able to contribute and my own money which I invested. I also had a lot of work skills I wanted to continue to use. I enjoyed working. Now I'm older and am over the career stuff I am looking at early retirement which I can only do because I went back to work when I did. Very pleased with my choices.

I think in the UK there is too much weight on a person"s identity through job role/title, so SAHM become a bit invisible because they don't fall into a category.

@Spiderplants

*Parker231

I’ve never had a bookkeeping or insurance claim line job - don’t know much about either. I like my career as a corporate finance M&A specialist. It’s the norm to return to full time work as the training was long (and difficult) and it moves on very quickly so a long maternity leave wouldn’t work well. DH is a doctor and supportive of my career and takes joint responsibility for DT’s and the home

Not really sure how your boasting is relevant to what I was saying? Trying to make other women feel bad is exactly the point I was making.

I don’t care what you do and even less what your husband does. I was highlighting that these kind of posts are exactly designed to make other people feel inadequate because basic statistics will demonstrate that most men and women are not high earning, high fliers and if they want to give up their job for a while, that’s ok.

Oh come ! It was in response to the denigration of womens work as " a bit of book keeping" How is it boasting to say what you do?

No not all people are high fliers .
Some have boring jobs they hate, some have jobs they love.
All on a sliding scale of pay and conditions.
But what has that to do with how well you parent your children?
Nothing

I currently have two part-time jobs whilst juggling looking after a 3 year old. I'm expecting a second child later this year and will probably cut one part-time job and keep the other one where I can wfh. I can't imagine not working for more than a couple of years.

What’s wrong with having a job which makes you happy and for which you studied for? You can have such a career and have a good family life. I’m hoping that DT’s are equally happy with their career choices.

I live somewhere where the opposite is the norm and nearly all women are at home for the first few years. I get a shocked reaction when I say I work. They also have a critically low birthrate and it's rare for women to have more than one child. I honestly think there's a correlation. The disadvantages to women are for many not a worthwhile pay off long term.

I was a stay at home mother for four years. That was mentally as much as I could take and I wanted a career path.
I think it's vital that women are respected for the choice. I do though think that care does not have to be from the mother always and the ideal would be where fathers shoulder more burden

WOHPs and SAHPs are not different species nor do they need to be pitted against each other. You will find a bunch of intelligent and driven people doing both roles and also some lazy and unmotivated people. You may plan on being a WOHP/SAHP for life and circumstances intervene to push you into the other category. It won't fundamentally change who you are or give you more moral worth

Thank you for summarising the thread. Didn't have the energy to read the whole thing, but they are always the same, and I have contributed in the past, but gave up, because you can't win either way. I am one of those awful mothers (and definitely in a minority) who worked whilst her children were small, popped them in nursery and pre-school from 6 months, and THEN gave up work. when they started full school, and haven't worked now for 15 years. Hooray!

Ultimately it's the Protestant work ethic that annoys me. That if you're not earning money or at the very least "being productive" then you're worthless. That genuinely is something I hear/read a lot and I think it's wrong from a moralistic perspective and damaging from a MH perspective.

Agree. I'm heading towards looking for a job after 6 years as a sahm. During that time I've studied for another degree, done a load of voluntary work including chairing a committee, successfully applying for funding and written, illustrated and type set a quarterly newsletter. Discussing applying for jobs with a wider friendship group was interesting. Apparently I'm letting the side down by wanting a part time retail job. I need a "proper" career...only I ended up as a sahm due to postpartum psychosis and having been diagnosed with ptsd relating to a trauma in my 20s. Suspect it will be hard enough to get any job let alone the type I'd have been aiming for before children.

@Parker231

What’s wrong with having a job which makes you happy and for which you studied for? You can have such a career and have a good family life. I’m hoping that DT’s are equally happy with their career choices.

Nothing. Same as there's nothing wrong with being a SAHM.

I’ve never said there is anything wrong with being a SAHM. I didn’t want to be and none of my friends or family are so this is what makes Mn interesting.

I did both. House runs smoother me at home. You would easily fill the days. I do school hours now. Hated full T chased our tails ..

@HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst

SAHM for 14 years to 14 and 6 yo dc. Am laughing at the comments about it being dull or intellectually unstimulating. It is what you make it ime. To answer the OP: yes, I'm happy and my life is good.

While the kids are at school I do all the house stuff, cleaning cooking shopping etc etc. I also meet friends for coffee, dog walks, I've have done a number of online courses for myself, read, sew, bake etc.

Afternoons are for the kids, evenings with DH when he gets in. Weekends we do family stuff or whatever.
We have no worries about childcare, holidays, sick days etc
It suits us perfectly.

I have a degree and worked for 10 years before having ds1. I loved working, but I love being a SAHM too. When ds2 is older I shall return to some sort of work again, I'm sure. I can't see any down side to our arrangement tbh.

Why on earth are you laughing at other people? Do you lack understanding that they are simply differently wired to you? I knit, sew, bake, ride, have dogs and love exercise but it doesnt stop me finding my work more intellectually stimulating ?

In fact I would say I find those things relaxing.
Work is intellectually stimulating to me
you probably not
Nothing to laugh about at all.

It is laughable that people think it's dull or unintellectually stimulating, caring for their own children.