Page 19 | SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

Nevermindgeorge · 2021-04-29T08:10:20+00:00

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years. Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like? I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

DoubleTweenQueen · 30/04/2021 18:01

I’ve done both too - 20+ years professional career, now COO of The Fam.
Both work(ed) for me in different ways.

I think people should do whatever works for them and their family, and everyone’s circumstances differ so much. Great if you can spend a good amount of time with your children, particularly when very young.

paralysedbyinertia · 30/04/2021 18:41

@Devlesko

It is laughable that people think it's dull or unintellectually stimulating, caring for their own children.

But why is that laughable? Surely people are interested in and stimulated by different things?

Some people are fascinated by scientific research. Others might think that sounds really dull.

Some people love their careers in banking or accountancy. Others can't imagine anything worse.

Some people feel fulfilled and rewarded by teaching teenagers or supporting vulnerable people. For others, that might sound like a nightmare.

We are all different. What is interesting and fulfilling for one person might not be interesting and fulfilling for another. Is that really so hard to grasp? If one person doesn't feel fulfilled or stimulated by being a SAH, that's just a reflection of that individual's personality, interests, values and aspirations, not a judgment on anyone else. Someone with a different personality, interests, values and aspirations might equally not thrive in the first person's chosen career. It doesn't mean that one person is better than the other, or more intelligent or more driven. It just means that they have different ideas about what they want out of life. We don't need to be offended by that.

Devlesko · 30/04/2021 18:45

Anyone who finds caring for their own children as dull and unintellectually stimulating shouldn't have had kids.
Yes, we are all different and enjoy different things, and find different things dull, or exciting.
But if that's how you feel about your own children that's sad and such a shame for the children.

EssentialHummus · 30/04/2021 18:56

There’s lots of wonderful things about being with DC but no, intellectual stimulation isn’t one of them. Taking an interest in their development, finding ways to engage that, going to different activities, playing with them, trying new things, watching them interact with others... all great, most not intellectually stimulating in the slightest imo. And intellectual stimulation also comprises a lot of novelty ime, which parenting young kids doesn’t offer a lot of.

TownTalkJewels · 30/04/2021 19:02

@Devlesko

Anyone who finds caring for their own children as dull and unintellectually stimulating shouldn't have had kids. Yes, we are all different and enjoy different things, and find different things dull, or exciting. But if that's how you feel about your own children that's sad and such a shame for the children.

Wow, you really missed the point of @paralysedbyinertia very fair and reasonable post....

No one can know how they’ll feel about kids before having them.

You sound very judgemental and defensive.

Spiceyornicey · 30/04/2021 19:04

Ha I’d say anyone that DOES find caring for their own children intellectually stimulating has never been properly intellectually stimulated

TownTalkJewels · 30/04/2021 19:12

@Spiceyornicey I was thinking this too but didn’t want to be rude

PerspicaciousGreen · 30/04/2021 19:15

I'm on record upthread as feeling like I have a very intellectually stimulating life as a SAHM, but my kids can be bloody boring sometimes! "Mummy, Mummy, sing that song AGAIN!" x a million. I'm so glad you love it, darling, but maybe I could sing a different song this time? No? Oh, alright, then, as it'll make you happy...

Devlesko · 30/04/2021 19:16

I find it very sad that you feel that way.
Have you never read anything about parenting?
Play, something health related, development etc.

If you feel like this do your children stop being dull when you are at work or just when you are at home.

I really don't understand this mind set at all, my apologies.
I can see why a parent would want more and to find other subjects more intellectually stimulating, but to see caring for your own kids as dull and lacking intellectual stimulation, I don't get.

YonderTweek · 30/04/2021 19:18

I've been a SAHM to my son since the beginning of the pandemic, although he goes to nursery two days a week for social interaction with other kids. He was off for months due to me being in the at risk for Covid category, so I was essentially a full time SAHM for a number of months. I bloody loved it, and still do! To be fair, he is 4 now, so even last year as a 3-year-old he was able to communicate and had some independence and especially now he's excellent company. When he was a baby I stayed at home with him until he was 14 months old and it was vastly different because babies are harder. I was happy to go back to work after my maternity leave, but I've never been particularly keen on work so I was equally happy to stay at home last year. Don't get me wrong, when I do work I work hard, and I was proud of having worked for so many years, but I overdid it in my previous job, burnt out and left, hence my current SAHM status.

I really enjoy staying at home with my son. I do sometimes struggle with trying to find social activities for him though, because everyone is still social distancing and all the clubs are still closed, but for the most part we have a great time playing, learning, going outside and on little trips etc. He starts reception in September and I think I will stay at home for the first year or thereabouts, because we wouldn't have to worry about after school childcare, and it would be nice for him to have his mum at home when he gets back from school. Then I'll see what's going on in terms of work.

I am doing a bit of freelancing on the side though, so technically I won't have gaps in my CV and I'm bringing some money in, which is a bonus.

Spiceyornicey · 30/04/2021 19:29

@Devlesko
"Have you never read anything about parenting?
Play, something health related, development etc."

Yes. Is that the intellectually stimulating bit?

PerspicaciousGreen · 30/04/2021 19:31

@Devlesko

I find it very sad that you feel that way. Have you never read anything about parenting? Play, something health related, development etc.

If you feel like this do your children stop being dull when you are at work or just when you are at home.

I really don't understand this mind set at all, my apologies.
I can see why a parent would want more and to find other subjects more intellectually stimulating, but to see caring for your own kids as dull and lacking intellectual stimulation, I don't get.

I'm finding the linguistic development of my two fascinating. I still want to keel over and die rather than sing the pirate song AGAIN today. It can be fascinating and fulfilling big picture while still having periods that are fuller than ditchwater.

dotdashdashdash · 30/04/2021 19:42

Devlesko but reading about parenting and doing child care are very different. I do not find caring for children intellectually stimulating. That's not to say that SAHP are not intellectually stimulated, I just can't see how the IS comes from the interaction with the child. That's also however not to say that only intellectually stimulating things are fulfilling, that's definitely not true. And not all people need to be intellectually stimulated to be satisfied with their lives.

Devlesko · 30/04/2021 19:47

It must just be me, then.
I'm not suggesting that caring for your children should be enough, btw.
I just can't see how anyone can see parenting as dull and lacking intellectual stimulation.

I get that many working parents also have callings for certain roles that just caring for their own children is not enough.
My most recent examples are the lovely brilliant caring district nurses who visit my dh daily for the last month, all mums.
I'm glad they are working and not sahm's because they are all brilliant at their jobs, and we value them greatly

Maggiesfarm · 30/04/2021 20:25

I compromised by working part time when my two were small. I was happy at work and at home. Apart from the financial aspect, I would not have been happy at home all the time. We managed to have the best of both worlds.

paralysedbyinertia · 30/04/2021 21:06

I didn't find being with dd dull at all - on the contrary, I find her endlessly fascinating, and spending time with her has always been immensely rewarding.

However, for my own sense of fulfillment and life satisfaction, I personally need to feel that I have a purpose that extends beyond caring for my own family. Being a SAHP wouldn't fulfill that need for me, but then, a lot of paid jobs wouldn't fulfill that need either.

My feelings on this are absolutely not a judgment on what anyone else finds rewarding or fulfilling, but merely a reflection of my own aspirations in life and what I believe I'm on this planet to do. And yes, dd is a massive and important part of that, but she is not the only part.

Checkingout811 · 30/04/2021 21:52

@paralysedbyinertia I think that’s a really good post. It really comes down to us all, as women with a choice, finding what fulfils us as individuals. Not what society deems worthy of our time.
One size has never, will never fit all.

Templetreebalm · 30/04/2021 21:55

@Devlesko

I find it very sad that you feel that way. Have you never read anything about parenting? Play, something health related, development etc.

If you feel like this do your children stop being dull when you are at work or just when you are at home.

I really don't understand this mind set at all, my apologies.
I can see why a parent would want more and to find other subjects more intellectually stimulating, but to see caring for your own kids as dull and lacking intellectual stimulation, I don't get.

You are the only person who has said that people find caring for their children dull no one else-very negative interpretation. Others finding their careers stimulating and enjoyable does not mean they hate their children They enjoy both. I adored looking after, teaching and being with my DC it was the bloody never ending housework I loathed . Being a mother is one part of me. Not the only part.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2021 22:34

@Devlesko

Anyone who finds caring for their own children as dull and unintellectually stimulating shouldn't have had kids. Yes, we are all different and enjoy different things, and find different things dull, or exciting. But if that's how you feel about your own children that's sad and such a shame for the children.

I would say dull and intellectually stimulating are two VERY different points. 16 month old twins are never dull. Ever. God I wish they'd be dull for 30 minutes. But they are not stimulating me INTELLECTUALLY because well they're not talking and generally doing what babies this age do. We're not discovering new ground here. They shove everything in their mouth, squeal very highly, climb everything, love Baby Shark and they quack. Whatever happy kissy relationship we have, it's not stimulating my intellect to rarer at them, blow on their faces, try to teach them to count etc.

I'm doing an OU degree (when the world is less school-closery), that's intellectually stimulating. I'm discovering things about cells I never knew before. It's considerably less fun that owing on my babies and being kissed in reward.

YouJustDoYou · 30/04/2021 22:54

yes, I'm very content, it's a gentle, happy life. I had a horrific childhood, I worked for several decades in long hour low pay jobs. my first born died. now, I have my.own income through savings isas, I have healthy children, I spend all day doing what other deem.drudgery but I am content and happy and at peace.

JustAddCoffee91 · 30/04/2021 23:05

I'm a SAHM my little ones are 1 & 2 so I had to come out of work, at least until they both start nursery, I couldn't afford paying nursery fees for the 2 of them it would be way more than I'd earn so I'm just waiting it out.
I love being at home with them although it is exhausting most days and I'm beyond tired! I do enjoy watching them bond and I've seen all the milestones etc which I'm very grateful for... I do find it very boring tho, not them as such they are so funny and entertaining, more so the repetitive parts like the cleaning up toys for the 4000000th time before 10am sort of stuff

Sunhoop · 30/04/2021 23:08

Anyone who finds caring for their own children as dull and unintellectually stimulating shouldn't have had kids.

Eeek...but how does one know how they'll feel about parenting until they actually do it?! I thought I'd LOVE it, I really truly did. Turned out I loathed the first few years 95% of the time and I had brilliant DC compared to many (bright, good sleepers, calm and mostly compliant). I read all the books during the first two years of SAH parenting but then I was bored of that topic as I had learnt all I really needed to know. It wasn't enough, I found the day to day 24/7 care of them/the house beyond tedious. I only started enjoying it when they went to preschool and I was finally able to do my own thing.

There's more than one way to parent a child. Just because people do it differently to you doesn't mean they shouldn't have done it at all.

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 30/04/2021 23:10

Op, I've not waded through 19 pages.

Each person has such different perspectives and reasons why they do each things.
I was a sashm, I spent each and every day with each until 5 and it still feels like a life to me ago and a distance memory. Now 14 and 9.
I wouldn't take it back although just a few hours break each day would have been good.
I'm working now, it's wonderful, I love it, dc see me working, know I love my job, I obviously bring in money, things have massively eased for us, being a sham we were pretty poor money wise.
I wouldn't take it back for the world although one dc was definitely easier than the other.

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 30/04/2021 23:16

We do sacrifice for dc, we brought them into this world and no one will care for them like we do, certainly not a bored over worked, poorly paid teen in nursery!!
But there is also a limit on what each person can take, it's gruelling and hard work with small dc!
I've got cousins over seas with nanny's galore and they still bloody moan about child care

dotdashdashdash · 30/04/2021 23:25

@Sunhoop

Anyone who finds caring for their own children as dull and unintellectually stimulating shouldn't have had kids.

Eeek...but how does one know how they'll feel about parenting until they actually do it?! I thought I'd LOVE it, I really truly did. Turned out I loathed the first few years 95% of the time and I had brilliant DC compared to many (bright, good sleepers, calm and mostly compliant). I read all the books during the first two years of SAH parenting but then I was bored of that topic as I had learnt all I really needed to know. It wasn't enough, I found the day to day 24/7 care of them/the house beyond tedious. I only started enjoying it when they went to preschool and I was finally able to do my own thing.

There's more than one way to parent a child. Just because people do it differently to you doesn't mean they shouldn't have done it at all.

Totally agree.

Of course I wouldn't have had kids if I'd realised how I'd feel about the reality. But I didn't we planned for me to go very part time because I expected to love it. But I didn't. You can't just shove them back in!