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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Wedding day drama

306 replies

Nellybellyfrillytilly · 29/04/2021 07:54

Looking for a bit of perspective and advice if possible.

My sister is getting married this year and I was asked to be made of honour (prior to becoming pregnant), since she found out I was pregnant she was angry that her wedding would not be the same as mine because I wouldn’t be able to drink/would have a child to look after (she does not have and does not want children). This caused a lot of tension between us.

Because of covid the original wedding date was moved, I since had our baby but my sister has rarely been present in their life - I’ve blamed covid for a lot of it as everyone is in a similar situation, but she rarely asks about my child over the phone or text.

The conversation came up that my sister would like all the bridal party to stay over at the venue the night before and night of the wedding (it’s tents and camping for everyone other than the bride and groom), at which point I spoke privately to my sister and let her know that I breastfeed my child at night, we are nursing to sleep and often have a wake up in the middle of the night, so I may not be able to stay over - she doesn’t want our baby there with me and I’m not sure camping would be practical - she is not happy, called me selfish and I should be dedicating myself to her for those few days and my husband can look after our child.

We have now not spoken for nearly a month because of this.

Am I being unreasonable, I am sticking to my guns that my child needs me and other ladies in the bridal party have older children or do not breastfeed their children so have that flexibility. I also need to add we have tried many times to introduce a bottle and rocking our child to sleep to give our household some more flexibility and it’s not been a pleasant experience, I would much rather continue breastfeeding.

Thank you for your help ☺️

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 29/04/2021 12:06

@Cabinfever10

How old will your baby be by the time of the wedding?
Dee it really matter? Surely the point is she shouldn’t have to justify leaving her child for a night.
Bluntness100 · 29/04/2021 12:08

I was with you till you said your child was 13 months. And will clearly be older by the time the wedding comes, I also thought new baby.

I mean your call but you can leave your kid for a night, they have two parents.

On the flip side though, no way would I want to camp the night before the wedding, that is shit.

BuggerBognor · 29/04/2021 12:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

murbblurb · 29/04/2021 12:16

exactly. What a nonsense over a one-day frilly frock party.

my sympathies are with the groom. Shame to have a sister who is so spoilt and childish, but it isn't your fault. Hopefully she'll grow up one day. Being on separate sides of the child divide shouldn't cause all this.

MrsWombat · 29/04/2021 12:16

We need to know more about the camping. Is it DofE style backpacking tents with you getting dressed lying down on a sleeping bag, or glamping safari tents complete with servants?

LalalalalalaLand123 · 29/04/2021 12:27

She is being outrageous, selfish, horrible. You are the mother of a breastfeeding infant. Of course you can't stay overnight. Of course you need to be with your child. She is acting disgracefully. I'd probably pull out of the whole wedding if I were you.

WhoIsH · 29/04/2021 12:33

YANBU. It amazes me how much people expect of others when it comes to their weddings. I was BM for one girl who insisted we had to stay in the expensive venue the night before / night of the wedding, the suddenly decided she was no longer paying for it and I had to stump up money. We're no longer friends.

I don't have much in the way of advice, just wanted to say you are not unreasonable and your sister sounds annoying. Stick to your guns.

Allwokedup · 29/04/2021 12:34

How old will your child be? Why can’t you drink? Why can’t your husband take over the childcare stuff for one day so you can there for your sister? Just because you have a baby it doesn’t mean you can’t do anything again! You could just pump as well. I’ve been a BM after I had a baby and I still managed to stay over the night before, help bride out, had my aunt take baby for me. You don’t really want to put yourself out though do you.

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2021 12:38

@LalalalalalaLand123

She is being outrageous, selfish, horrible. You are the mother of a breastfeeding infant. Of course you can't stay overnight. Of course you need to be with your child. She is acting disgracefully. I'd probably pull out of the whole wedding if I were you.
Oh calm down, she can express. Women are not tied to their kids at this age, the child has two parents. Not wanting to go is something different, but she needs to own it. The child isn’t a reason.
Purplewithred · 29/04/2021 12:38

Oh I do love a good Bridezilla.

Has she always been a spoilt brat?

Oddsocksandeverythingelse · 29/04/2021 12:43

Your sister sounds awful, stick to your guns. I had this exact same situation except it was me getting married and her with a baby due to wedding delays ect. She said she might no longer be able to be maid of honour because she’d have a tiny baby. I said that was no problem and just to do whatever she was comfortable with. I also loved having my new born nephew at my wedding.
Even without a baby why on earth would she expect you to dedicate two days to her. People are so bizarre about weddings!!

HarebrightCedarmoon · 29/04/2021 12:44

PEOPLE ARE CAMPING BEFORE THE WEDDING? Christ alive, how will they get ready? Everyone will turn up looking like they slept in the park. Mothers and fathers too?

Also weddings are a full-on day, I'd want a nice comfy bed to sleep in afterwards and no mistake.

I did manage to attend a child-free wedding when I was breastfeeding once because my mum came and stayed with us upstairs in the hotel room with DD and the wedding was just happening downstairs, so I could pop up to the room any time. Also DD could take a bottle then and I'd expressed some milk for her. But any suggestion of tents, or a venue where this was not possible and I definitely wouldn't have gone.

PurplePansy05 · 29/04/2021 12:49

Wow, Bridezilla much?

Stick to your guns, OP. Sorry she's not understanding of you and your baby, she sounds rather selfish and lacks recognition of your situation and choices. Flowers

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 12:53

OP, you haven't answered a few people asking if your mother could pull your sister aside and tell her to come to her senses?

sunflowertulip · 29/04/2021 12:57

I think if you're with her the night before and the morning and just go home/to a hotel to sleep that's ok, but I think your sister should be prioritsed for the day before and day of her wedding. I totally get not wanting to sleep in a tent either with or without a baby if it's not your cup of tea.

Your child will be 13 months, not a small baby and will be fine.

NotSorry · 29/04/2021 12:58

My step-son was going to do the camping thing - we said "no thanks, we'll drive home" (only about an hour away) no-one else ended up camping....

Nanny0gg · 29/04/2021 13:03

[quote Carefree1]@RampantIvy it isn’t necessarily about being nervous or ‘terrified’. It’s about having a lovely evening before your wedding, when traditionally, you don’t stay with DH to be. The comparison to Victorian times is a bit off the mark. Some of my ladies stayed with me the night before and I wasn’t remotely nervous.[/quote]
But the bride is staying in a hotel!!

Nanny0gg · 29/04/2021 13:05

@Allwokedup

How old will your child be? Why can’t you drink? Why can’t your husband take over the childcare stuff for one day so you can there for your sister? Just because you have a baby it doesn’t mean you can’t do anything again! You could just pump as well. I’ve been a BM after I had a baby and I still managed to stay over the night before, help bride out, had my aunt take baby for me. You don’t really want to put yourself out though do you.
That was you and your baby. No two babies are the same, in case you hadn't noticed. My kids refused bottles
Lemonyfuckit · 29/04/2021 13:25

Your sister is BVU. And I say that as someone who is getting married this year! She needs to get that whilst this is the most important day for her, and whilst it is of course also important to a degree to her family, your lives doesn't also revolve around her and her wedding.

Lemonyfuckit · 29/04/2021 13:27

And that's without the camping. Sod that. And how are you all supposed to properly get ready for a wedding after having slept in a tent? Some people like camping, which is great for them but no one should be forced to camp, absolutely ridiculous.

BlowDryRat · 29/04/2021 13:34

I think Y might B being a bit U. If you don't like or aren't used to camping then I can see why it sounds a lot but IME babies and toddlers love camping and sleep really well as long as they're warm enough. It wouldn't be too tricky to put baby to bed with your DH in charge, then spend the evening with your sister and the other bridesmaids.

EileenGC · 29/04/2021 13:38

I don’t understand the camping. And if it’s such a compulsory and essential part of the weekend you need to dedicate to her, why isn’t she and the groom camping as well?

HunterAngel · 29/04/2021 13:38

I don’t camp for anyone, I certainly wouldn’t do it with a toddler the night before a wedding. Breastfeeding issues aside, what if the child is an escape artist like my DS? How secure is a tent really? My fear would be waking up to find my child drowned in a nearby pond or run over by a car after escaping the tent.

Your sister is being unreasonable. Stick to your guns!

EileenGC · 29/04/2021 13:39

@EileenGC

I don’t understand the camping. And if it’s such a compulsory and essential part of the weekend you need to dedicate to her, why isn’t she and the groom camping as well?
Btw I say that as someone who loves camping and I don’t like fancy weddings in full attire and 5 star hotels.

But come on, if I wanted to camp for my own wedding I’d do it myself, with the groom to be. I wouldn’t insist all my guests or family did it. That’s just nuts.

worriedatthemoment · 29/04/2021 13:39

It seems she expects it as she did it for you and your wedding as you say your sister and bridesmaids all stayed for you
There is a compromise surely
Maybe you and dh could stay in a nearby hotel and dh keep little one whilst you spend evening with sister then you ho back to hotel to sleep and feed baby , then back in morning.
That way you are trying to be there for most of it and if thats not good enough then not a lot you can do
I never had this issue as my bf always took a bottle as well as I needed a break sometime so introduced a bottle ( expressed) quite early against midwife advice