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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Wedding day drama

306 replies

Nellybellyfrillytilly · 29/04/2021 07:54

Looking for a bit of perspective and advice if possible.

My sister is getting married this year and I was asked to be made of honour (prior to becoming pregnant), since she found out I was pregnant she was angry that her wedding would not be the same as mine because I wouldn’t be able to drink/would have a child to look after (she does not have and does not want children). This caused a lot of tension between us.

Because of covid the original wedding date was moved, I since had our baby but my sister has rarely been present in their life - I’ve blamed covid for a lot of it as everyone is in a similar situation, but she rarely asks about my child over the phone or text.

The conversation came up that my sister would like all the bridal party to stay over at the venue the night before and night of the wedding (it’s tents and camping for everyone other than the bride and groom), at which point I spoke privately to my sister and let her know that I breastfeed my child at night, we are nursing to sleep and often have a wake up in the middle of the night, so I may not be able to stay over - she doesn’t want our baby there with me and I’m not sure camping would be practical - she is not happy, called me selfish and I should be dedicating myself to her for those few days and my husband can look after our child.

We have now not spoken for nearly a month because of this.

Am I being unreasonable, I am sticking to my guns that my child needs me and other ladies in the bridal party have older children or do not breastfeed their children so have that flexibility. I also need to add we have tried many times to introduce a bottle and rocking our child to sleep to give our household some more flexibility and it’s not been a pleasant experience, I would much rather continue breastfeeding.

Thank you for your help ☺️

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 29/04/2021 10:15

I wonder how many guests will actually stay in tents the night before.

greenlynx · 29/04/2021 10:15

The comment “Is she on crack?” Is spot on.I can’t understand why you are even asking about this, even if your child is 18 months or 3 years it’s absolutely your choice where to stay the night before someone’s wedding. You accepted invite to the wedding not life long slavery.

And what for your sister needs you so much? If she’s so upset and nervous about getting married she needs to go to her GP for medical help. Or maybe she needs to call her wedding off if she can’t go through it without all relatives holding her hands.

Lindy2 · 29/04/2021 10:15

Your husband can't breastfeed your child.

Even if he bottle fed you'd potentially be very uncomfortable with overful breasts, stuck in a tent, trying to express milk, with other people around etc.

It would be a definite, non negotiable no from me. Your child's needs and your needs come first.

It is perfectly possible to be a perfectly good maid of honour whilst only attending for the actual wedding and reception and whilst also being a parent.

Mehoooole · 29/04/2021 10:16

I wouldn't go to anything other than the actual wedding day now whether the baby stopped breastfeeding or not. Why would you dedicate 3 days to a grown adult on their demand? You have your own life and can make your own choices and she can't decide what you do.

ddl1 · 29/04/2021 10:19

I was married over 30 years ago and even then it was usual for bridesmaids and bride to spend the night before together.

It wasn't ever usual for them to have to camp! If the OP's sister is prepared to put her - and her baby - up in proper accommodation, then that's fine. In a tent, just NO.

ComDummings · 29/04/2021 10:20

I know she’s your sister and you love her but as an outsider to me she sounds like a selfish dickhead.

NotSorry · 29/04/2021 10:20

I got married nearly 30 years ago and have never heard of this "tradition" OP YANBU

Lordamighty · 29/04/2021 10:21

Baby or not, I wouldn’t spend the night before anyone’s wedding in a tent.

lockdownalli · 29/04/2021 10:23

Camping!!

The night before a wedding!!!?????

So she really wants everyone else to look like shit doesn't she?

YANBU for that reason alone. I don't do camping, and certainly not with a baby the night before a wedding. She sounds unhinged.

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 29/04/2021 10:24

She basically wants her own mini Glastonbury dedicated to her... she doesn’t sound worth celebrating tbh!

It is funny when weddings become a “couple worship” and we all have to sit there and pretend they’re amazing as opposed to just human! It’s really weird!

drpet49 · 29/04/2021 10:27

* since she found out I was pregnant she was angry that her wedding would not be the same as mine because I wouldn’t be able to drink/would have a child to look after (she does not have and does not want children). This caused a lot of tension between us.*

^This alone is ridiculous.

I spoke privately to my sister and let her know that I breastfeed my child at night, we are nursing to sleep and often have a wake up in the middle of the night, so I may not be able to stay over

^You have a breast fed baby that feeds to sleep. You can’t leave the baby with your husband and disappear for a few days. Your sister is being extremely selfish and quite frankly I wouldn’t want to go to her poxy wedding after all this unnecessary drama.

drpet49 · 29/04/2021 10:29

* Sleeping over the night before is a tradition*

^Since when? I’ve been to a large amount of weddings and don’t recall anyone doing this.

HelloDaisy · 29/04/2021 10:29

I love camping and happily took my dc when they were little. However, that was on our own time and holidays not for a wedding.

Your sister sounds far too demanding and that alone would be enough for me to bail out. Even if she’s doesn’t want children she should still have some understanding of your situation and know that children can’t simply be abandoned.

Why is everyone camping apart from her?

Scottishskifun · 29/04/2021 10:43

Stick to your guns of course a child is more important than being there the night before as for the night of the wedding its your choice. We camped with our DS from 5 months old but it's not for everyone!

She is having a bridezilla foot stomp I think if she hasn't spoken to you in a month then it might be worth asking her if she still wishes for you to be maid of honour.

Personally with that sort of behaviour it may be a blessing in disguise to just be a wedding guest!

TurquoiseDragon · 29/04/2021 11:02

@drpet49

* Sleeping over the night before is a tradition*

^Since when? I’ve been to a large amount of weddings and don’t recall anyone doing this.

And in this case, OP had offered to set up beds at her wedding, if people wanted to stay over, she didn't insist.

Whereas, the sister is insisting. It's a different situation now.

In any case, it's the camping. No way, that's enough to put me off.

Rupertbeartrousers · 29/04/2021 11:03

I was sacked as a bridesmaid over a camping hen do I couldn’t attend 300 miles away with a 10w old, and not being able to stay over the night before (which would have been with 6 other bridesmaids plus my teething, breastfed 5m old - no one would have got much sleep if i’d done that) I was a bridesmaid for another friend around the same time and she couldn’t have been kinder or more accommodating to enable me to come to hen do and enjoy the wedding (private space to feed etc). Needless to say one friendship has stood the test of time much better than the other, although it is trickier with family.

It’s the anxiety of leaving your baby with a bottle he/she might not take, boobs hurting from missed feed, husband stressed out etc. Surely there’s a compromise position here. I’ve been to some extremely stressful weddings with small children... trying to integrate their food/nap routine with the order of the day - tears in the speeches, exploding nappies in the church and spoon feeding at the table trying to avoid everyone’s nice clothes. It would be nice if she could consider making it easier for you to be there for her rather than making difficult demands. Weddings should be joyful for everyone there.

readingismycardio · 29/04/2021 11:07

I don't have children yet. I haven't slept in a tent ever nor I intend to. Especially not for a wedding, what the heck?! Nope. She's selfish and rude.

missfliss · 29/04/2021 11:09

agree with @Rupertbeartrousers

and yes OP - she is being a blinkered and spoilt and selfish - i blame the rise of bloody weddings on telly / instagram etc. Its madness, people expect a flipping celebrity entourage rather than a nice accessible bonding time for clse famly and friends...

user1471538283 · 29/04/2021 11:14

Dear god! Even without a baby I wouldn't camp before or after a wedding. I went to an evening do in a marquee and I have never been so cold in all my life and I had a nice warm hotel room on the same grounds to go back to.

Your baby is a baby and needs you!

notalwaysalondoner · 29/04/2021 11:15

I don’t know, I can see it both ways - to not be able to leave your child for one night at 13 months does seem a bit OTT, just because she nurses to sleep now doesn’t mean she will do in several months time. But then you know your child and and what is likely to be reasonable - and two nights definitely seems excessive. I think refusing is fine, but equally, she’s justified in being a bit annoyed, it’s not like your baby is 6 weeks old...

whereislittleroo · 29/04/2021 11:22

She is being utterly unreasonable. A baby's needs trump an adult's wants every time. Anyone who called me selfish for meeting my child's fundamental needs would be out of my life. Some babies don't take to the bottle. Mine fed to sleep until the day they were weaned. It wasn't always easy and did mean missing some outings or taking the baby and pram out with me. But it is what it is. Plus since when did weddings go from being a half day celebration to days and days of being the centre of attention? She is asking way too much.

iknowimcoming · 29/04/2021 11:32

Tradition or not the bride isn't actually staying with the op anyway - she's staying at the venue, not in a tent. Confused yanbu, babies and breastfeeding and tents aside - when did the world get so messed up that 'I don't want to do that, thank you' wasn't enough for people, particularly family! Sad stick to your guns OP!

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 29/04/2021 11:34

Shockingly rude for the bride and groom to have a nice room and expect everyone else to camp Shock Jaw dropping to treat friends and family like second class citizens. If the camping is so great then why isn’t the bride in a tent?! She sounds like a knob.

HugeBowlofChips · 29/04/2021 11:36

You won't be the only one who doesn't want to camp, so I am thinking this idea will be shelved and the problem will just reinvent itself in another form.

This isn't about the wedding. It's about your relationship.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2021 12:05

I can understand why a non parent and some parents would be confused as to why you can’t leave a 13 mo with dad for a night or two. I said upthread I did with dd. I was adamant she would take bottles and introduced them at about 6 weeks and expressed breast milk etc. But I get your baby is not the same as my dd was.